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AIBU?

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Original poster

yet another mil issue but not my fault (?)

570 replies

hayjon · 01/06/2011 17:27

Hi, brief bit of background to start: dh and myself married very quietly a few months back (no dc's as yet). Anyway, mil (widowed) and his extended family all live at least 200 miles away from us and are basically scattered around country.
I don't have a close relationship with mil but she is allright and I neither hate or love her, she's OK.
About a month ago, she called dh to say that she wished to arrange a family gathering to celebrate our marriage, cue many phone calls between them to discuss the event. Mil very, very keen to do what we wished- must stress that I didn't really mind what happened- free meal, day out in nice surroundings, well I didn't care that much for the EXACT details so left it to dh to speak with his mum.

Anyway, basically a day before the gathering her and dh speak on phone and had a massive falling out because she didn't plan the event according to any of my dh's wishes and we didn't go after all. I tried to reason with dh to go but to no avail as I knew a lot of effort had been made. Although I kind of see why he is a bit peed off as she made such a fuss ringing all the time for no reason. He is not spoilt, either. Don't think he cared if she'd made a fuss or not-just hated having her ask him in depth what he wanted and then being ignored IYSWIM.

According to his brother, his mum is v. v. upset and we received a letter from her today saying that it was obvious to her that NEITHER of us wanted to go. This is simply not true; but what the heck could I have done? Gone by myself without dh? I am annoyed with her to be honest for this.
I don't know if I am BU or what or how to sort this.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 01/06/2011 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoAteMySnickers · 01/06/2011 19:53

You should have gone by yourself, yes, how many fucking times do you want me to say it.

Chances are your shit of a DH would have been shamed into coming too.

If not, you make an excuse to your MIL and guests, e.g. He's got horrendous diarrhoea and can't get off the loo.

It's not fucking rocket science.

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 19:54

Oh for Christ's sake, I could not have gone by myself. It would have made it worse, not better.
Think about it. A cake had been ordered- what to do? Get me to cut it by myself.
Honest to god, I despair, I really do. I am not travelling 200 miles and back by myself. Or have some of you not noticed that my mil is not exactly down the road?

OP posts:
IAmTheCookieMonster · 01/06/2011 19:56

Oh my god! How on earth can you support him in this?!!!! He wanted people to travel from far and wide to celebrate your wedding by WATCHING A FOOTBALL MATCH!!! I am totally with your MIL in this one!! If someone invited me to that I would decline and she would probably have been embarrassed to invite people! I think your DH is a spoilt ungrateful !

You should send flowers and apologise, In normal circumstances I would say don't undermine your DH but you CANNOT let him get away with childish behaviour like this!

I agree that you could not have gone alone, but you can now make it clear how wrong he was. There is noway I would let my MIL think that I agreed with something like that and would definitely let her know that I thought he was wrong.

squeaver · 01/06/2011 19:57

Why would it have been so much worse for you to go by yourself? Because it would have reflected even more badly on him? So what?

You agree that he was a shit for not going and that he is his own man and couldn't be persuaded to go. Yet you didn't go. You stood by your man, ahead of your own opinion on the matter and all good sense and good manners.

How feminist is that?

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 19:58

I am sorry, perhaps I should have made that clear throughout the thread and not just in opening post- my mil lives 200 miles away. And, no, I am not prepared to drive a 400-mile round trip by myself.

OP posts:
ChinnyReckon · 01/06/2011 19:58

Holy shit! So the event still happened but you just both couldnt be arsed to turn up??

squeaver · 01/06/2011 19:59

X-posts there. Yes, you should have cut it by yourself. You should have travelled 200 miles. You could have concocted some story about your dh being ill.

Why? Because it was the right thing to do.

7to25 · 01/06/2011 19:59

I repeat: do not have children with this man.

Nuttychic · 01/06/2011 19:59

You honestly think your MIL was out of order :o I dont really care what your DH wanted - she was the host, hosting in your honour. If he/you wanted to host your own then you should have done that!! I would be absolutely furious if I had gone to the trouble and then, because it wasnt what they wanted - they dont pitch? I also dont care if she phoned to ask a hundred times what he thought - she was probably just excited and wanted to share it FFS. Organising a party like that is no easy task!

TBH you both sound a bit strange in your thoughts about this. Not going was wrong (VERY wrong) but getting ticked and foot stamping because sob he didnt sob get what he wanted stamp foot - and you agreeing with that :o is just as bad!

BluddyMoFo · 01/06/2011 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsCampbellBlack · 01/06/2011 20:01

The football!

Lordy - words fail me.

Did this make you look at your DH in a different way - think I'd have been really shocked and upset by such behaviour towards his mother.

Lets hope if you have children that the birth goes exactly how he wants and doesn't clash with a football match.

As an aside - Beesimo - I love your posts Smile

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 20:01

squeaver It would have reflected more badly on HER! People may have thought, 'God her son hates her' if I had turned up alone. In a funny way, at least she could save a bit of face by saying, 'My dil hates me!'

OP posts:
Nuttychic · 01/06/2011 20:01

Those are supposed to be Shock faces up there - not :o

blackbirdfly · 01/06/2011 20:01

200 miles is not that far.

You have no DC.

We have to do that trip with a toddler, a baby and a dog in order to see my family.

We manage.

Because we want to see them.

Have you got health issues that stop you travelling that far? Are there no trains? I can guarantee I would have done anything rather than not turn up.

gapants · 01/06/2011 20:02

hayjon I am afraid I agree with the others, and you, your DH was a brute not to go. It is a hideous thing he did.

IMO you have been very very passive in the whole handling of it, stand back and let others discuss, plan, then it is not up to scratch so again, you are hands off nothing to do with me. Very passive aggressive behaviour and very much a big fuck you to your MIL and family.

I would have gone, I would have made the awful journey made the embarrassing apologies, made nice with every one because they are your family, and maybe that should mean something.

You could have negotiated and reasoned with your DH, made him COMPROMISE and, TBH love they are essential life skills in a marriage. I am flummoxed by your anger on this thread.

DaisySteiner · 01/06/2011 20:02

Aha, there's the real reason you didn't go by yourself, because you didn't want to do a 400-mile round trip by yourself. Very feminist Hmm

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 20:03

One more time:

I can see why her behaviour offended him. I do not think that this 'offence' was reason for him not to go. Or is this too subtle a distinction or something?

OP posts:
Nuttychic · 01/06/2011 20:04

Is this thread even real? I cannot even comprehend that people would do this. Do you think we are being had? Angry

gapants · 01/06/2011 20:04

x-posts with squeaver

Original poster
hayjon · 01/06/2011 20:05

I can only imagine the abuse a man who posted Make her COMPROMISE would get here.

OP posts:
WhoAteMySnickers · 01/06/2011 20:05

Add message | Report | Message poster hayjon Wed 01-Jun-11 20:01:35
squeaver It would have reflected more badly on HER! People may have thought, 'God her son hates her' if I had turned up alone. In a funny way, at least she could save a bit of face by saying, 'My dil hates me!'

Christ almighty, now you're trying to make out you did her a favour by nit going.

I've heard it all now, I really have.

ChinnyReckon · 01/06/2011 20:07

I have re-read your OP (just noticed that she's a fucking WIDOW by the way!). You have asked if you are being unreasonable and what to do to sort it and pretty much everyone thinks you were unreasonable and some people have suggested what you should do to sort it. What's the problem then?

gapants · 01/06/2011 20:07

hayjon could you read my post and respond to it please?

Nuttychic · 01/06/2011 20:08

hayjon I think its this part that lead us to believe that you agree with him. If not for the not pitching at least for getting cross with your MIL which is just as insane! She did nothing wrong! Not a subtle distinction at all.

"I agree with him, frankly, if you're not going to do as somebody wishes for THEIR event you should not **ing ask She should have just gone ahead and organised everything, come back to us and said, 'I have organised this already' however..."

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