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to expect the guest I invited over not to send the nanny as a substitute?

252 replies

sabretoothtiger · 31/05/2011 15:53

I hate posting in this category but am genuinely interested in whether my reaction is unreasonable.

DD1 is friends with a girl at school. DS is also friends with her brother. They all get on well but we haven't yet had any occasion to invite them over to play. I know the parents to chat to if I bumped into them but again not particularly well.

DD1 has been asking for the friend to come and play and so I sent a text asking if the mother would like to bring both children over to play and for tea and said that we could have a chinwag over coffee whilst they were playing and get to know each other better.

So the response has come back that the mother is busy but the nanny would love to come over for a chat and coffee. I was quite shocked and thought this very cheeky since the invitation was clearly directed at the mother too.

AIBU to expect either the mother to come or else to suggest an alternative date if she is busy rather than send the nanny (who I've never even met) - or is this normal?

OP posts:

LineRunner · 31/05/2011 15:55

Tell her your valet would be thrilled to play host.

Snobby mare.


scurryfunge · 31/05/2011 15:56

Perhaps the mother only saw it as a get together for the children.


usualsuspect · 31/05/2011 15:57

can't the kids come over to play on their own


LIZS · 31/05/2011 15:59

depepnds . Agree she sees it as a playdate for the kids, whether out of habit, she is working that day or as a deliberate snub. How old are the kids, could they be left with you without nanny ?


maypole1 · 31/05/2011 15:59

Sorry but its so rude its funny


redskyatnight · 31/05/2011 15:59

Well it seems that your aim was

  • to have your DC's friends over to play
  • to get to know someone that looks after them

both of which you've achieved by having the nanny over. if you'd know the mum well it would have seemed odd. Maybe she doesn't want to know you/thinks your paths won't cross that much so it makes more sense for you to get the know the nanny.
Maybe she took your invitation as a "you wanted an adult to stay with the children" rather than get to know her per-se.

I used to be good friends with DS's friend's au-pair. I was quite disappointed when the friend's mum changed her hours and the au-pair moved away.

sabretoothtiger · 31/05/2011 16:02

We live about thirty five minutes away from them and so whoever brought them would need to stay really. They are four and seven.

It is obviously mainly for the kids but I did make it clear that it was also a chance for us to get to know one another.

Really not sure how to respond! Think I'll probably say lets rearrange for another time when you can make it - still feel its cheeky though.

OP posts:

jeckadeck · 31/05/2011 16:06

Yeah I think its quite bad form. Even if she did think it was a playdate for the kids it suggests a certain breeziness and a sense of entitlement. If she couldn't make it herself that day but the nanny could then she should have called and discussed it with you -- its ok if both parties sign up to it. But to just fob it off on the nanny unilaterally like that suggests she doesn't have much respect for you and your time. In all fairness she may be seriously busy. But a quick, friendly phonecall explaining that she can't do it herself wouldn't have cost anything.


ObiWan · 31/05/2011 16:07

You could rearrange, but if the parents just don't do playdates (and it sounds as though that was the message the mother was trying to send), you might lose the chance to have these particular children over to visit.


PuppyMonkey · 31/05/2011 16:08

The nanny is probably nicer. Stick with that plan.


mrsscoob · 31/05/2011 16:11

I think sometimes we can read to much into these kind of things. I doubt she was deliberately being rude, maybe she got the text, was busy, but didn't want to turn down your invitation so fired off a quick text without really thinking. It is hard to explain things properly in a text, she may explain properly next time you see her.


TheMonster · 31/05/2011 16:11

YANBU. I woulld be annoyed too.


bubblecoral · 31/05/2011 16:13

I don't suppose she meant to be rude, she probably just thought it was an invitation mainly intended for the children and possibly that you wanted her to supervise the two of them.

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt, after all, it was your dd that insigated it and she still wants to play with her friend. Ask yourself if you would have asked this woman over for coffee if your dd wasn't friends with her dd. If the amswer is no, then I don't see the problem. If the answer is yes, then see if there is another day that she would like to come.


rookiemater · 31/05/2011 16:18

I think that the mum is delighted that her children have an invite - perhaps they don't get many because she is working, and trying to find a way to make it work.
Why not pick up the phone to her and explain that you wanted to get to know her as well and is there any other day that would suit.


MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 31/05/2011 16:23

YANBU - very rude of the mother - and I don't know what I'd do either in that situation , so interested to see people's views...


LynetteScavo · 31/05/2011 16:28

I feel sorry for the nanny. I bet she so didn't want to spend a couple of hours chatting with a mum from school.


paddypoopants · 31/05/2011 16:57

YANBU- if your text made it clear it was both a playdate and a get to know her she could have at least phoned and explained she was busy and that if the children were still invited she would send her nanny to help if that was all right. If she actually suggested you had a chat with her nanny as some sort of proxy then she is being unspeakably rude.


bbird1 · 31/05/2011 17:01

This thread could make a great plotline in Curb Your Enthusiasm


Gooseberrybushes · 31/05/2011 17:03

Yes it's really, really rude.

You should postpone.


missinglalaland · 31/05/2011 17:03

YANBU! How rude! I would withdraw my invitation as politely as possible and not feel embarrassed or guilty about it.


LineRunner · 31/05/2011 17:05

Do you think the nanny stands in for the busy mom in ... other ways?


LadyClariceCannockMonty · 31/05/2011 17:07

Snobby bitch. Of course it was an invite for her as well as the kids. She's either deliberately misunderstanding because she thinks it's beneath her to come over and get to know you, or she genuinely doesn't understand because she's so entitled and in her own little world that she thinks that's OK behaviour.

Get someone whose number she doesn't know to text her back and say 'playdate cancelled.' Sign it 'sabretooth's team' or similar.

Then get the nanny over on her day off, have loads of booze tea and cakes and get her bitching about her employer. Loads more fun.


HeadfirstForHalos · 31/05/2011 17:07

It's rude of the mother, but if the children are friends with yours, I would stick to the playdate. After all, the nanny is still woman who I'm sure could be very nice! Never miss an opportunity to make a new friend :)


brokenarrow · 31/05/2011 17:08

I woud be so annoyed too, what a rude answer on so many levels!
Your kind invitation was extended to her personally and her DCs, I doubt that in any other social circumstances she would suggest someone else attends for her! Now if you refuse/ try to re-arrange, you are snubbing the Nanny!
It might be a genuinely artless (and thoughtless) answer, but then it might not be. Some women are very good at "investing" their time, i.e. sending the Nanny to those they can't be bothered with, and finding time for others.
I would still give her the benefit of the doubt and arrange for the children to meet, it'll be nice for them, and probably the Nanny is lovely, although that's hardly the point.
The onus then falls back on the mother to invite you, properly. If this is another Nanny and you and the children thing, you'll know who you are dealing with.


HeadfirstForHalos · 31/05/2011 17:08

Is still a woman

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