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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect the guest I invited over not to send the nanny as a substitute?

252 replies

sabretoothtiger · 31/05/2011 15:53

I hate posting in this category but am genuinely interested in whether my reaction is unreasonable.

DD1 is friends with a girl at school. DS is also friends with her brother. They all get on well but we haven't yet had any occasion to invite them over to play. I know the parents to chat to if I bumped into them but again not particularly well.

DD1 has been asking for the friend to come and play and so I sent a text asking if the mother would like to bring both children over to play and for tea and said that we could have a chinwag over coffee whilst they were playing and get to know each other better.

So the response has come back that the mother is busy but the nanny would love to come over for a chat and coffee. I was quite shocked and thought this very cheeky since the invitation was clearly directed at the mother too.

AIBU to expect either the mother to come or else to suggest an alternative date if she is busy rather than send the nanny (who I've never even met) - or is this normal?

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 31/05/2011 17:11

I don't think this is out of line. Presumably you suggested a date? She can't do that date but the dcs and the nanny can. Why not go with that and see how you all get on?

silverfrog · 31/05/2011 17:13

it is a bit rude, but I don't think it was a snub on purpose.

she has a nanny. who looks after the children during daylight hours (for whatever reason)

children are invited on a playdate within those hours, and so she says children can come, but it will be with nanny.

I can see me ending up in this kind of situation. we are about to have a nanny, for various reasons. I can't just breeze in, on a "nanny day" and say - oh, this bit is more fun - I'll do that today - yuo can get on with the chores"

for whatever reason, the mum is not free at that point.

yes, you could refuse the playdate now - but your children will be disappointed.

it may be that she will not ever be free to come over on playdates - maybe she works form home? are you goign to not foster this friendship now, because the other mum has a nanny?

LineRunner · 31/05/2011 17:15

But OP specifically asked for a 'chinwag' with the mother so they could get to know each other a little bit better. That's really normal behaviour, especially if a friendship grows up between the children through time.

What's not normal is sending one's staff over. That's a caricature of low-class snobbery.

Honeybee79 · 31/05/2011 17:15

YANBU.

Extremely rude and no, it's not normal.

Your invitation clearly included the mother and not just the kids and she should have suggested an alternative date.

spongefingerssavedmylife · 31/05/2011 17:15

That is so rude! IMO she has decided that she is 'above' you socially and thus you aren't worth getting to know (but you might get on with her nanny). And I think probably not done deliberately to be rude - but just without any thought at all as she has decided you aren't worth bothering with. Otherwise she would just have said 'love to , busy then, can we re-arrange'.

I wouldn't bother pursuing her!

harrietthespook · 31/05/2011 17:16

The point is, you invited someone to an event who didn't explain why she couldn't make it and suggested a stand in. Yes, that's rude.

Does the mother work?

I do - if other mothers got the hump every time I couldn't attend a playdate and had to send the DDs with the nanny they would have a very restricted circle of friends! When I was on maternity leave I hung out with other families' nannies, too, they always got invited to stuff the mums did. I wouldn't assume that she sees you on the same level as her 'help' - I did get the feeling that there was a bit of that here but maybe more from other posters.

I would, of course, have called you though and said something like: I'm not sure you realise, but I work that day. Is it okay if the nanny comes along?

That would be the polite thing to do.

missinglalaland · 31/05/2011 17:18

Linerunner you are a girl after my own heart, I was going to allude to outsourcing other aspects of one's personal life myself! Wink

bluebobbin · 31/05/2011 17:21

I think that her text was a bit rude, it's not clear whether she was just in a hurry or whether she considers herself to be above playdates.

Regardless, I'd have the kids and the nanny over. Your kids get the benefit of playing with their friends and the nanny is probably very nice.

LineRunner · 31/05/2011 17:22

Exactly, Missing, does the nanny take care of all those other pesky chores that mom doesn't have time for - folding sheets, checking messages, taking it up the arse...

DaisyLovesMetronidazole · 31/05/2011 17:24

I think it's very rude and I'm a bit surprised so many people are trying to make excuses for her.

I don't think the mother viewing the playdate as just for the DCs is a reasonable excuse. Plus, if this was really the case, I can't see why she'd bother sending the nanny for a chat. She could have postponed anyway.

Just for the record, I work long hours whi is sometimes called to work at short notice so am not coming at this from the viewpoint of someone who never needs to change plans.

harrietthespook · 31/05/2011 17:26

How is it making excuses for the mother to say she may have been working?

V annoying when you are working from home, by the way, and people assume you are 'not really working.' If that's what she is doing.

Original poster
sabretoothtiger · 31/05/2011 17:28

To put it into context a bit, she works part time 3 days a week. I work (full time) but work flexible hours.

She could surely have said I work on Fridays but how about Monday?

OP posts:
harrietthespook · 31/05/2011 17:31

Sabre she may have been flat out on something or if she knows you work too may have thought that was the only day you could do.

You guys do need to get to know each other better! Sounds like a lot of misunderstandings here.

MumblingRagDoll · 31/05/2011 17:32

I think she may have been a bit Hmm at her being included...I have never once been asked..nor have I asked anyone to jin their DC at my home. Playdates are often seen as a chance to do something else while your child socialises....plus maybe she's working? I work a lot from home and am very shy...an invitation such as you sent...kind though it is....would fill me with dread.

HorseWhisperer · 31/05/2011 17:32

I am going against the grain here in that while I do feel her response was cheeky, she clearly wants her dc to play with yours, that is why she wants to send the nanny for the date you suggested. She has said she is busy, and perhaps she doesn't want to get to know you better (harsh I know). How was she to tell you that without being really offensive?

Some people really do not feel the need to be friends with the parents of their children's friends.

I will be honest and admit that I am one of those people. I am not a snob and I do not feel I am better than anyone. I have made a couple of very good friends from the 'school gates', however I am very introvert and allow very few people in. I get panic attacks when placed in certain social situations, only my husband and one of my brothers know of this. I have been in some very awkward situations when other mothers from dc's school ask me to tea and I just did not want to go. I am sure I have appeared rude to a few school mothers.

Having said that I do not think you are being unreasonable to feel a little bit Hmm.

DaisyLovesMetronidazole · 31/05/2011 17:32

Harriet, that's not what I said.

Also, please excuse toddler-related typo in last post.

MumblingRagDoll · 31/05/2011 17:33

That's right Sabre....who knows what else she has on. If she wanted to snub you she would have refused te playdate point blank

MumblingRagDoll · 31/05/2011 17:34

Horsewhisperer puts it well....I also don't wish to be friends with my DC friends parents. I barely have time for my current and old friends.

LavandulaFathead · 31/05/2011 17:34

Would it have been better if she'd replied that the children's grandmother was looking after them for the day and would love to come over with them? If this is not as unpalatable a suggestion as her sending the nanny over, then perhaps you ought to ask yourself whether you only feel as annoyed as you do because you think it is beneath you to socialise with "the help" (be that "help" younger or older than you and the mum).

Not trying to snipe at you, just genuinely curious. Although I do love the fact that people automatically assume that she is "rude", "snobby", "entitled" ... I doubt the same reaction would have been garnered had she had an unpaid family member taking care of her children and had suggested that they go along instead.

Or maybe I'm just projecting as I know that when my DS starts to attend pre-school/school, he will still have a nanny and I shall probably have to turn down all requests for playdates as, due to the profession I'm in, I simply won't be able to attend with him. Some might say that I should offer to send him on his own, but I would feel rather uncomfortable sending him alone to what is, to all intents, a stranger whom I have never met and/or whose house I have never visited.

So, YABEverSoSlightlyU. I'm sure the nanny is a lovely person in her own right - I know mine is. I would be rather hurt if she were looked at as "second-best" when she is currently my DS's primary caregiver during the day.

Original poster
sabretoothtiger · 31/05/2011 17:34

harriet I really have no issue with her being busy or needing to rearrange the day - or even saying really sorry I'm swamped at work/home/whatever, at the moment and struggling to manage playdates/social stuff but can I take a raincheck and do it next month. I just think its odd to suggest sending the nanny when I specifically invited her so that we could get to know one another better.

OP posts:
luckylavender · 31/05/2011 17:36

I don't think that is rude at all actually. I work FT and don't have time for "play dates" but a lot of DS's friends mother's find it hard to understand. Someone once asked me when I had a day off so that I could see her new coffee machine.....

CravingExcitement · 31/05/2011 17:37

People who have "staff" tend to be a bit like that. She was very rude.

harrietthespook · 31/05/2011 17:38

Okay Daisy but that was the only 'excuse' it seemed like anyone was bringing up, the fact that she might be busy with work.

Original poster
sabretoothtiger · 31/05/2011 17:38

I think I would have felt the same if the grandmother had been offered as a substitute.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 31/05/2011 17:40

as a nanny i dont think the mum was being rude, just the fact she was busy that day, therefore the nanny was working/looking after her dc so offered her to come instead so that the 'playdate' (know mn hate that word) Grin would still go ahead

she could have said,im busy/working that day so either my nanny can bring them or we can make another date where im free

us nannies are lovely so give her a chance :)