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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect the guest I invited over not to send the nanny as a substitute?

252 replies

sabretoothtiger · 31/05/2011 15:53

I hate posting in this category but am genuinely interested in whether my reaction is unreasonable.

DD1 is friends with a girl at school. DS is also friends with her brother. They all get on well but we haven't yet had any occasion to invite them over to play. I know the parents to chat to if I bumped into them but again not particularly well.

DD1 has been asking for the friend to come and play and so I sent a text asking if the mother would like to bring both children over to play and for tea and said that we could have a chinwag over coffee whilst they were playing and get to know each other better.

So the response has come back that the mother is busy but the nanny would love to come over for a chat and coffee. I was quite shocked and thought this very cheeky since the invitation was clearly directed at the mother too.

AIBU to expect either the mother to come or else to suggest an alternative date if she is busy rather than send the nanny (who I've never even met) - or is this normal?

OP posts:
wordfactory · 03/06/2011 17:18

In my view there are two distinct types of invitation.

One is the playdate. Child is asked over and will be dropped and collected by whoever...it really does not matter. They may or may not be asked in for coffee and it doesn't matter if they accept or refuse.

The other is a familial invitation. The request is for children and parnets to get together and be sociable. You cannot just drop and run for these, nor can you send a sub.

mathanxiety · 03/06/2011 17:19

She wanted to know the mother because she has met her a few times and gives her DD a lift to dancing. She has not met the nanny at all afaik. She might turn out to be lovely, but so might any random stranger on a train -- that doesn't mean you should invite them over for a chinwag and coffee just on the offchance.

I don't think the OP is a full time 'housewife' either, but she doesn't employ a nanny.

What I find puzzling is the assumption that individuals are considered completely fungible by some. The OP had the feeling that she and this woman (and specifically this woman) might become friends, not the nanny or the lollipop lady or anyone else she chats with at the school gates, and she issued a friendly invitation to this specific person.

Obviously the other woman has no interest in developing a friendship from the acquaintance stage, for whatever reason.

wordfactory · 03/06/2011 17:31

xenia I don't mind getting to know nannies at all...but they do have a habit of coming and going. It's their job and sometimes they pack it in or get fired or go elsehwere...and mostly you never even find out why or where.

And if I'm honest, though I've met many a charming nanny, they are not their charges parent and thus don't have the same long term views and goals for the children. Not a crirtisism at all. Just an observation.
Often what I like to do is connect with other parents...that's why I love MN afterall.

As for why I like to do that - well nothing to do with being a housewife - I'm not. I work hard. I'm pretty darn successful if I say so myself.
But I just enjoy the company of children and other parents. It's great fun. What could be nicer than a few hours in the park en masse? Sun shining, picnic rugs out, a few glasses of Pimms, interesting conversation, children entertaining themselves with balls and water pistols. What's not to like?

Also, I have found over the years that I've learned so much from spending time with other Mums. None of us, even at our most arrogant, know everything there is to know about parenting...so why not ask the experts on your doorstep?

wordfactory · 03/06/2011 17:36

Also, Xenia you say you couldn't think of anyhting worse than spending time with other Mums but tat's just daft. Your'e here on MN all the time.

Why? Because you like it. You like the company of other parents. It stimulates you.

The only difference is in real life one is chatting whilst holding a cup of coffee, or more often a glass of somehting chilled.

Xenia · 03/06/2011 17:53

Yes, but it's a few seconds between doing more interesting stuff. We're all different in how we want to spend our time.

I've always thought I hugely benefited from not having other mothers, fathers, comparators or anyone else around when I had my first babies - it was so isolated and pure and instinctive in a lovely way (as I had my first set of children about 18 years before my contemporaries.. lucky me) and I can sit here feeling so glad over 26 years as a mother I have managed to avoid all those other parents with whom you've only connected because the chidlren have chosen each other

smallpotato · 03/06/2011 18:16

Xenia, whenever I click on a thread these days I see you woman-bashing! On another thread you were slagging off SAHMs, now it's mums in general - are you aware this website is called mumsnet??

I like the way you assumed the OP is a SAHM and therefore the other woman as a working parent was perfectly within her rights to be rude to her. Has it changed your opinion now you know the OP actually works too?

wordfactory · 03/06/2011 18:20

Well that's a shame, xenia because I always think you sound a hoot and someone whose brain I would love to pick...

but then I find other mothers and how they bring up their children fascinating. Don't get me wrong, there are some that bore me, but then again there are many acquaintances in my work field who I would rather drink my own urine than spend an hour in the park with Grin

Original poster
sabretoothtiger · 03/06/2011 18:22

Xenia - I am not a bored housewife I work full time in the same profession as you. I hold a senior role and therefore have a reasonable degree of flexiblity which enables me to manage my career and still try to spend lots of time with my children particularly in the holidays. I am constantly juggling my time with three DCs and a husband who is frequently away.

The "guest" actually works part time and has far more free time than I do but that isn't the point at all. I understand perfectly if she has other things to do. The issue was about the nanny (or anyone else) being foisted upon me when I had invited the mother. The DCs have only been at this school since September and I was trying to be friendly.

OP posts:
wordfactory · 03/06/2011 18:32

Actually xenia it's high time you stopped avoiding parental social events - so I cordially invite you to lunch at Casa Wordfatory.

You should know that Bonsoir will also be there along with Expatinscotland, Dittany and solidgoldbrass...I think that should be an interesting little gathering no?

LineRunner · 03/06/2011 19:11

Can I just add, that being a nanny is a lifestyle choice. If there's a class divide it's in the mind of the beholder.

LillianGish · 03/06/2011 20:00

Phew - have just slogged through the whole thread before posting and am glad I did as I think Xenia has summed the reason for the woman's response: "You'd have to pay me a fortune to go on most "playdates" (awful word I never use) as the parents are usually awful and it's as dull as ditchwater." I think your text makes it quite clear you are extending the hand of friendship (in an entirely normal and not at all weird way). This woman is clearly Xenia, but still thinks you'd be quite useful for ferrying her kids. Whether or not the nanny might be an interesting person to get to know is an entirely separate matter.

Bonsoir · 03/06/2011 22:06

Gosh, the parents at school are a wildly more cosmopolitan and entertaining bunch than my colleagues (who were no lightweights, just all-work-and-no-play dull) have ever been, with one or two notable exceptions. Plus there are so many parents that there is a seemingly endless feed of new ones. But that is only part of the point: I believe that it is amazingly enriching for children to grow up in a close-knit community of parents and children they know and trust and that daytime "family" socialising is a massive contribution to their upbringing.

PorkChopSter · 03/06/2011 22:07

Yes but did they come for lunch today? Grin

Indaba · 03/06/2011 22:30

YABU

The primary invite was for a playdate.

She said she couldn't but kids and nanny could. You can decline and she gave the chance to decline.

It may have been rude had she accepted then sent kids and nanny, but she gave you the option.

So many times on these threads I think......... stop emailing and texting.......... and just talk

LineRunner · 03/06/2011 23:51

Indaba I think they talked when the other mother first gave the OP her mobile phone number and asked OP to pick up her children from dance classes.

TeenieLeek · 04/06/2011 05:47

smallwhitecat what has being 36 got to do with not having a nanny? Confused

CelebratedMonkey · 04/06/2011 08:48

YANBU

You expressly invited mum out - she didn't mention why she couldn't come/doing it again

She ignored part of your reply offering same again

She is happy for you to pick up her daughter but won't make any steps to know you.

Do you get anything in return from this woman? If not, forget doing favours. Have the kids over when your kids want to, but leave it at that. Don't do pick-ups for her. Do you really think you'd get on with her now anyway?

unspoilmykid · 04/06/2011 09:05

Funnily enough, I have gained a lot from meeting and socialising with other mums...Ive met a physics professors, a fe GPs, phramacist, oxford graduate in languages, environmental scientist, nutritionist. These are interesting people. Would have been a big loss for me to dismiss meeting them because they are mothers.

unspoilmykid · 04/06/2011 09:17

Oh and guess what? We dont talk much about the kids

onceamai · 04/06/2011 09:17

I haven't read all of this but would it have been alright if the lady had said, I'm working on that day but the children would like to come. Their nanny is an important part of our family and their lives, would it be OK if she came with them instead. Perhaps we can meet up another time when I'm not working. The lady might actually just have been frazzled, trying to keep a lot of balls in the air and might be totally horrified if she knew there was a 244 post thread about what might have been an rather inelegant social gaffe and unintentional.

unspoilmykid · 04/06/2011 09:24

The more I read of xenia and her life and views, the more I have concluded how limited her life appears to have been. This comes across really very strongly in her posts.

Bonsoir · 04/06/2011 09:43

Dismissing other mothers as unworthy of attention and interest just because the group which defines them at that particular point in time is a shared choice of school for their offspring is very odd. Surely the fact that you choose the same school for your children indicates a high probability of shared values?

CowboysGal · 04/06/2011 10:20

When my DS's were younger I made a real effort to get to know the parents/carers of their closest friends and sabretoothtiger made a very smart move to try and get to know the mother a little better. As my boys are now into their teenage years and we are currently experiencing the problems that come with that, including a recent discovery of cannabis use, it has been much easier to deal with and find out about problems because I established a relationship early on with (primarily) the mothers of DSs friends.
I don't want to come across as though I have all the answers and am therefore brilliant mummy-I'm not, I am usually tearing my hair out along with everyone else but getting to know the mums of the children yours want to spend time with is vital IMO.

Imagine trying to ring/visit a strange woman you barely know to discuss the fact that her son has been caught smoking drugs in your sons school and you know that your son spends an awful lot of his time with said boy. From what I've heard/read on here that situation is not even the most frightening one either! With regards to getting to know the Nanny, while it isn't a bad idea at all, in the situation I am currently experiencing the Nanny would not be who I wanted to know well enough to have a frank discussion about this because she is not the legal guardian. So again OP was totally not unreasonable at all to be put out by the snub and fwiw the other mother is an arse!

Bonsoir · 04/06/2011 10:31

Absolutely, getting to know the parents of your children's friends enables you to "co-parent". For example, the other day the mother of a close friend of DD's confided in me that her DD had been invited on her first sleepover by another little girl. The mother of DD's friend didn't want her DD to do her first sleepover at the home of a family she didn't know well and asked me whether I could host her DD for a first sleepover as she knows and trusts us and felt both she and her DD would be in good hands.

And we are taking a little friend of DD's with us to England next week for three days - that only happens because we know the family well and have built bonds.

mathanxiety · 04/06/2011 22:42

That is one of the main benefits of the parochial school of about 500 students my DCs attended to age 14 in the US before entering the high school of 3,500ish. The DCs' core group of friends were children they had known from age 5. DD1 still celebrates her birthday with her 'twin' who shared the birthday in elementary school. The only times I was nervous about DD1 in her HS years were the occasions when she was heading off with or sleeping over with teenagers whose parents I didn't know.