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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect the guest I invited over not to send the nanny as a substitute?

252 replies

sabretoothtiger · 31/05/2011 15:53

I hate posting in this category but am genuinely interested in whether my reaction is unreasonable.

DD1 is friends with a girl at school. DS is also friends with her brother. They all get on well but we haven't yet had any occasion to invite them over to play. I know the parents to chat to if I bumped into them but again not particularly well.

DD1 has been asking for the friend to come and play and so I sent a text asking if the mother would like to bring both children over to play and for tea and said that we could have a chinwag over coffee whilst they were playing and get to know each other better.

So the response has come back that the mother is busy but the nanny would love to come over for a chat and coffee. I was quite shocked and thought this very cheeky since the invitation was clearly directed at the mother too.

AIBU to expect either the mother to come or else to suggest an alternative date if she is busy rather than send the nanny (who I've never even met) - or is this normal?

OP posts:
HorseWhisperer · 31/05/2011 18:05

Yes definitely rude of her to foist someone on you. However, having read your text you gave her very little options to let you down nicely if she did not want to "get to know you better". Maybe the response should have been "playdate for the dc is a great idea but I would rather not establish a friendship" ....

Original poster
sabretoothtiger · 31/05/2011 18:10

I accept it might have seemed a litle pushy horsewhisperer. And maybe I ought to have given her a better get out.

Its difficult, we were new to the school in September and I was just trying to be friendly. I completely accept however that some people have their own friends and don't want others.

I still think its rude to offer the nanny and that is not because I'm a snob.

OP posts:
Doitnicelyplease · 31/05/2011 18:12

It does seem very cheeky and rude so YANBU, but you should probably give her another chance just in case, and if you do still want the DCs to play together.

I would just ring or text and ask if there is another time when SHE rather than the nanny could make it as you thought it might be nice to get a chance to chat. This should lead to a further explanation eg too busy, working and then you will know where you stand.

wisecamel · 31/05/2011 18:13

Oh, just read your text too...I'm with ObiWan and in this case might have been a bit scared to send even the nanny in. Does sound a bit like OP's interested in more than just a 'play' date.

(Which I'm sure is a misunderstanding that OP can laugh about with X and the shared humour will lead to a lasting friendship.) Smile

bobbismum · 31/05/2011 18:14

Am guessing, as OP has not once said she had issue with the nanny coming as such, that the point that was being made was more along the lines of am I being unreasonable to be upset at the offer of my friendship being rejected.....that was my take on it anyhow.
So again I'd say it's not unreasonable at all to be upset/put out by this, but if woman in question doesn't want you as a friend then so be it.
Sure this was never intended to be a nanny bashing, class war type question

SandStorm · 31/05/2011 18:15

It's very easy to misread a text. Is there any possibility that she thought you didn't want her two children without another adult there and that rather than cancel because she couldn't be an extra pair of hands she has suggested the nanny came instead?

alarkaspree · 31/05/2011 18:15

Basingstoke I think it's having another person that she's never met foisted on her for a coffee, not that it's a nanny specifically. Presumably she had chatted to the mum a bit and thought she seemed nice enough to want to invite her over. She has never met the nanny so she doesn't want to invite her over.

basingstoke · 31/05/2011 18:17

How would you have felt if she'd offered her husband?

I suspect to be honest, that she is viewing this as something for the children, and you are viewing it as for the grown ups.

scarlettsmummy2 · 31/05/2011 18:17

I don't think the mum meant to be rude. Perhaps she thought it would be something nice for the nanny to do and allow her to have a bit more adult company. I think you are perhaps reading to much into it.

HorseWhisperer · 31/05/2011 18:19

Hi OP, I get it. Do find some compromise that works for you that will allow your dc to have the playdate with her dc. And I think it was you who suggested that maybe you will offer to have the children without the nanny if she is happy. Good idea.

If it is right then friendship will develop organically in the coming months and years.

Bonsoir · 31/05/2011 18:22

I think that the other mother was very rude.

It happens where I live that many mothers cannot themselves do accompanied play dates but they have always, IME, been very apologetic about that fact and make a huge effort to return invitations to my DD on Saturdays when they will themselves be around, as opposed to the nanny. I have no problem with nannies doing drop offs and pick ups but I don't want another family's nanny (or granny) to stay during a playdate.

LineRunner · 31/05/2011 18:27

Personally I like to get to know the parents of the children that my own children are becoming friends with. I think this is pretty normal, especially if they are ever going to be able to spend time at each other's houses without two households of adults in tow. When they're little it starts as playdates; then it might become outings with the other family; then it can progress to sleepovers. Sometimes even holidays.

The process has to start somewhere and it's often with an invitation for coffee, mother to mother.

It's bang-on normal to want to get to know the children's parent(s) and to weigh them up and hopefully trust them. It's a two-way process and can't be done by substitutes.

MumblingRagDoll · 31/05/2011 18:30

I reckon it's because you said "chinwag" sabre! Grin

Now I have read your text, I thnk she was rude not to say "I can't manage it...shal I send them with the Nanny or shall we make another date?"

But some people assume a LOT and imagine everyone can read heir minds. It is unlikely she was snubbing you...I have met a lot of other Mums and in all my time, only one of them was really rude and snobby. Give her another chance in the future.

BalloonSlayer · 31/05/2011 18:30

oooh crackingly rude!

Still, the nanny must have a host of even better stories, so you should be able to get all the dirt Grin

MumblingRagDoll · 31/05/2011 18:32

I agree Linerunner...but in my experience VERY few parents have time to do it...most of my DDs friends have working parents...one or two of them but not ONE has a SAHM.

As a result we end up havng their DC here a lot...with no adult....but I dont mind, they're busy but very pleasant when I do see them, I won't allow m own DD to just visit any old house though.

Tryharder · 31/05/2011 18:40

For heaven's sake.

This is how I would see it:

You tried to make a playdate with her and her children. She can't make it because she's working/genuinely busy and not wanting to cancel the playdate as she wants her children to have a social life, she suggests that their nanny could accompany them.

If you don't like the idea of entertaining the nanny, then suggest another time/date. I can't believe some of the absurd theories on here. YABU, OP. It won't hurt you to serve up coffee and cake for the nanny, even though you might consider yourself above her socially.

LineRunner · 31/05/2011 18:40

I think (!) I am saying that Sabre was being normal.

The other mum handled it very badly indeed to the point of apparent snobbish rudeness.

No-one surely is doubting the value or loveliness of nannies.

If I'd received Sabre's text and I'd found it odd, I'd have phoned her to chat. I'd have found the time.

missinglalaland · 31/05/2011 18:45

I think Linerunner and Mathanxiety have the measure of this.

I don't think anyone minds the nanny filling in, or even the dc coming on her own (assuming the children are old enough.) What is rude is the imperiousness of the assumption; the not offering of any choice or explanation. It belies the fact that the other mother does not see the OP as a potential friend and ally.

Snuppeline · 31/05/2011 18:56

I would feel snubbed too with regards to the offer of friendship (implicit in the "lets get to know each other") but like the others have said you should still allow your dd to have a friendship with the other lady's dc. And who knows, the mother in question might become a friend in time. If you still want her to be.

Knackeredmother · 31/05/2011 19:24

I'm not sure the woman was being rude. I work very long hours and my rare time off is precious. I simply do not have time for coffee with people I don't know. However, I would not want my dc to miss out on playing with their friends.
I often feel that other SAHMs or part time workers have no idea how little time I have/how much needs to be crammed in to my days off.
I would be in the same position as this woman but there would be no personal slight against you op.

missinglalaland · 31/05/2011 19:29

Knackeredmother, wouldn't you comment something along the lines of "I can't make it, but would it be all right if my nanny accompanied DD?" Surely, you wouldn't just say "my nanny will be there."

Knackeredmother · 31/05/2011 19:35

Missing, yes of course I would so I guess yes she was rude in that respect. I worry that I am going to be in this situation, already all the preschool mothers know each other but I'm unable to cultivate friendships due to lack of time.
It's a minefield!
Ok revised opinion:YANBU!

oxocube · 31/05/2011 19:40

Agree with HeadfirstForHalos Smile

cat64 · 31/05/2011 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

domesticslattern · 31/05/2011 19:45

I think this is why it's a good idea to ring people up rather than try to start a new friendship with long texts!
For what it's worth, her reply didn't seem rude to me- presumably she works on Fridays, sees Saturdays as family time, but is glad for her kids to have a playdate.
Either you get your desired 'chinwag' when you accompany your kids round her house on the return match or you have to understand that she's just " not that into you " (which I think is less likely than that she's busy and wants the kids to get together soon).
Incidentally this thread contains two of my most hated words- playdate and 'chinwag'- blurg!