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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect the guest I invited over not to send the nanny as a substitute?

252 replies

sabretoothtiger · 31/05/2011 15:53

I hate posting in this category but am genuinely interested in whether my reaction is unreasonable.

DD1 is friends with a girl at school. DS is also friends with her brother. They all get on well but we haven't yet had any occasion to invite them over to play. I know the parents to chat to if I bumped into them but again not particularly well.

DD1 has been asking for the friend to come and play and so I sent a text asking if the mother would like to bring both children over to play and for tea and said that we could have a chinwag over coffee whilst they were playing and get to know each other better.

So the response has come back that the mother is busy but the nanny would love to come over for a chat and coffee. I was quite shocked and thought this very cheeky since the invitation was clearly directed at the mother too.

AIBU to expect either the mother to come or else to suggest an alternative date if she is busy rather than send the nanny (who I've never even met) - or is this normal?

OP posts:
paddypoopants · 31/05/2011 20:45

Busy or not the woman didn't respond to the part of the text that specifically asked her over for a coffee and chat. If she didn't want to go or was so hideously busy she could've said- 'I can't come but maybe another time', or 'we'll arrange it soon' or 'Feck off I don't socialise with the likes of you, you are just fit for collecting my kids from dancing'- but she didn't she just said she was sending someone else whether it was Nanny or Grandmother or George Clooney it matters not a jot.
Whether she meant to be rude is another matter- she may not have read the text correctly but that's her mistake not Sabre's. FWIW I thought the invite was really kind and not weird at all but I wouldn't bother with another one.

Original poster
sabretoothtiger · 31/05/2011 20:47

TBH paddy it might have been different if it had been George Clooney on offer Grin

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 31/05/2011 20:48

I would be inclined to take the hint and forget this friendship. She had a chance to say she herself couldn't make it for coffee (it was clear from the text that chatting and friendship were on the agenda) and she had an alternative day (after dancing) to consider if she couldn't make it for the original date. She ignored the friendship aspect and focused on the playdate thing. She's just not that into you.

Knackeredmother · 31/05/2011 20:48

Ok, seen second text. She is assuming and rude.

Laquitar · 31/05/2011 20:48

But the invitation was for a playdate, not for a swinging party Grin

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/05/2011 20:49

agree if you want to know mum rather then kids,then invite her and her dh over for dinner one sat evening

sure the hired help sorry nanny will babysit

paddypoopants · 31/05/2011 20:50

She is, of course, taking the piss.

TheOriginalFAB · 31/05/2011 20:52

A please would have been nice! I wouldn't bother with her from now on tbh.

ZombiePlan · 31/05/2011 20:54

I sincerely hope you text her back to say something along the lines of "so sorry, we're busy at lunchtime. Can't do a saturday pickup either but perhaps x can- see you around". This entitled cow is treating you like her staff, never mind the nanny...

smallpotato · 31/05/2011 20:55

I don't see why people think the OP is being snobby about the nanny- it is the mum who gave out her number and who she has chatted to, perhaps if the nanny was the one who dropped the DD off at dance class etc then the OP would be inviting her for a coffee instead.

Unfortunately it does sound a bit like you've been snubbed. It's understandable if the mum is too busy for making friends with mums from school (though it's a shame) but the way she worded it was very rude. You had clearly invited her, not just the kids!

Fwiw, your text sounded quite normal to me, not stalkerish at all! I think you have done the right thing, just accept that for whatever reason she just wants to be acquaintances not friends.

stupiddilemma · 31/05/2011 20:56

The exact same thing has happened to me in the past. And I was a bit annoyed (mostly at having to make 2 hours of small talk with carers who are 15 years younger than me and sometimes have limited English) but not devastated. Now I am specific in my invites,' which days are you at home with the children so you can all come over together for lunch?'

rookiemater · 31/05/2011 20:56

Ok I thought this was entirely ok until the second text from this lady. This woman doesn't want to be friends with you, she is making that clear, she is happy for your DC to socialise together provided you do the grunt work, but not to take the time to come in for a quick coffee after drop offs or to respond properly to your second text is impolite.

smallpotato · 31/05/2011 21:01

Just seen the second text, what a cow! Agree with Zombie, I would be 'busy' at lunchtime and call off the whole thing.

missinglalaland · 31/05/2011 21:02

This specific woman (not all working women with nannies) is a user and not very nice. I would be kind to her innocent child and distance myself from her.

You also work, you are also busy, yet you have manage to extend kind invitations and do her favours, none of which have been returned. She's out of line, you are not.

wisecamel · 31/05/2011 21:07

Ok, yup, she's being a cheeky so an' so. Not worth the trouble. She's probably got a reputation for it at the school, but you're new and didn't know!

Doitnicelyplease · 31/05/2011 21:13

Does she seem this rude when you talk to her in person, could it be that she really doesn't realize how rude her texts are coming across?

I think sometimes people get used to texting people they know really well - who maybe don't need a please/thank you/sorry etc added on, but short, brief texts to can often seem rude.

Has she every said a proper 'thank you' for you collecting her DD?

ChitChattingagain · 31/05/2011 21:27

She was being very rude, Op. If she was being polite she would have responded with something like "Oh I'm sorry, I'm busy/working that day. The nanny is looking after the DC that day so if you're still up for it she could bring the DC over to play."

Original poster
sabretoothtiger · 31/05/2011 21:29

Not sure now that I think about it. She is always rather formal I guess but I put that down to the fact that we are generally making playground smalltalk.

She hasn't ever said thank you actually for the drop offs. Her DD generally jumps out of the car and races in. Her DH waves from the door.

OP posts:
Doitnicelyplease · 31/05/2011 21:35

Well maybe don't make your mind up just yet, but it does sound like she is not someone you'd really want for a friend.

PedigreeChump · 31/05/2011 21:40

You obviously feel snubbed so its likely to have been rude given all the circumstances, the mother seems to be missing a few vital pleases and thankyous...

But - it can be really really difficult as a nanny socialising with anyone. I found with older kids I was completely ignored at the swimming/tennis/after school club as it was all parents and I stuck out like a sore thumb. I most recently looked after a very teeny baby and it was very hard work - especially with no NCT friends, no antenatal mates, and I felt like a complete fraud at "mum and baby" groups etc. I took on the mummy role for those hours but without the lifeline of friends and family. It can be lonely being a nanny!

Not defending the woman, just offering the perspective of the nanny who as others have said, might be better company anyway and will be gagging for a decent natter. Smile

BalloonSlayer · 31/05/2011 22:31

Suggested reply: "Oh shame, busy at lunch. Not to worry - another time. Can't do pick up on Sat, sorry xx"

domesticslattern · 01/06/2011 00:00

YY to Balloonslayers response.

Not adding a "please" re. picking up her DD on Saturday is rude but she could just be in a hurry (and not realising her texts are being scrutinised by hundreds!) It's not a great sign though.

If you do decide to pursue this or other newish friendships, do pick up the phone- texts are terrible. I have a feeling you might be somewhere totally different if not depending on texts.

DollyTwat · 01/06/2011 00:05

Haven't read all the replies, but, consider that whilst she may be a bit rude, you might really like the nanny

cat64 · 01/06/2011 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

piprabbit · 01/06/2011 00:18

I think she thinks that you are the nanny for your family - hasn't realised you are a working parent and thinks that you have nothing better to do than ferry her kids around.