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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect the guest I invited over not to send the nanny as a substitute?

252 replies

sabretoothtiger · 31/05/2011 15:53

I hate posting in this category but am genuinely interested in whether my reaction is unreasonable.

DD1 is friends with a girl at school. DS is also friends with her brother. They all get on well but we haven't yet had any occasion to invite them over to play. I know the parents to chat to if I bumped into them but again not particularly well.

DD1 has been asking for the friend to come and play and so I sent a text asking if the mother would like to bring both children over to play and for tea and said that we could have a chinwag over coffee whilst they were playing and get to know each other better.

So the response has come back that the mother is busy but the nanny would love to come over for a chat and coffee. I was quite shocked and thought this very cheeky since the invitation was clearly directed at the mother too.

AIBU to expect either the mother to come or else to suggest an alternative date if she is busy rather than send the nanny (who I've never even met) - or is this normal?

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 31/05/2011 17:41

I agree Blondes, I imagine the mum didn't want the child to miss out on the play date.

MumblingRagDoll · 31/05/2011 17:42

Look....OP you invited her....it doesn't mean she has to come. She has not however refusd to let the kids play....she has done nothing wrong and may have though it was etter to send the nanny than to leave two small children at your home with no help.

Playdates are for the DC...not for us.

cazzybabs · 31/05/2011 17:44

If she works what is she to do? I can see it from both sides - have a coffee with the nanny who is probably lovely

missinglalaland · 31/05/2011 17:44

sabretooth you are totally right. She could have explained herself and given you options of postponing, picking another time, just having the daughter or, if you didn't mind, the nanny. It's very rude to specifically invite a new acquaintance for coffee and then to have them send someone else because they are busy. You extended an invitation to her, not her daughter plus one.

I am a sahm, and I have no problem helping out friends when they are stuck at work and need help on the odd teacher work day etc. I understand that their schedules are less flexible than mine. But, they treat me with respect and friendship in return.

If this happened to me, the daughter would be welcomed to birthday parties and the like. When she is old enough she could come over from school etc, but I'd keep the relationship with the mother polite and somewhat formal. For two reasons: 1. She has signalled this is how she sees it, and 2. You'll just get your feelings hurt again and again.

MumblingRagDoll · 31/05/2011 17:44

If you are not comfortable having the nanny but want the playdate then text and say "Oh give the nanny the afternoon off....if you are comfortable sending them alone I am happy to have them both....we can catch up another time maybe?"

That way you wont be forced to socialise with the person whom was not the subject of your invite.

MumblingRagDoll · 31/05/2011 17:44

who was not the subject.

MumblingRagDoll · 31/05/2011 17:46

Disagree with Missing the woman has sent her substitute...the nanny....she may have as I said thought this was better than the DC not going and would give the OP some help with the DC.

harrietthespook · 31/05/2011 17:47

snort at people with 'staff tend to be like that' re working mums and nannies.

honestly I have met a few in my time who are paranoid the SAHM will prefer the nanny to them and they'll feel left out!!

Original poster
sabretoothtiger · 31/05/2011 17:50

Yes I know she doesn't have to come Mumbling, and yes she may have no wish to socialise with me. However, as this progresses I think I am feeling more and more like I ANBU and that it is rude to foist someone else on me, whether that is a nanny, a grandmother or even her DH.

Text went like this:

Hi x. Hope you managed to get rid of the ice cream stain! I was wondering whether you'd like to bring dd and ds over to play one day in the holidays. Maybe Friday if that works for you? We can have a chinwag over coffee and get to know each other better whilst they play. Let me know if you can make it. If not, maybe next saturday after dancing?

OP posts:
nancydrewfoundaclue · 31/05/2011 17:51

It really depends how you worded the text. Presumably you didn't actually say you wanted to "get to know her better" so maybe she didn't realise that your invitatation for a coffee was anything more than you being polite because she would have to stay due to distance.

At 4 and 7 I would assume that a playdate was for the benefit of the children and wouldn't expect/necessarily want to stay. So I don't honestly see the issue.

omnishambles · 31/05/2011 17:53

I dont really get why this is rude actually - I find playdates the work of the devil and if I could get out of it by sending someone else I would - why would I want to spend time making idle chit chat and looking after my dc and not getting any work done while the nanny who I pay to look after them kicks their heels at home?

Numberfour · 31/05/2011 17:55

YANBU. The mother of the other kids was rude and self absorbed. I would probably have the nanny over with the kids so that the kids can play together, but I would not pursue a friendship with her - the mother, not the nanny.

missinglalaland · 31/05/2011 17:55

Mumbling, doesn't it seem strange to you that she didn't offer some explanation and choice to sabretooth? It's the assumption about other people's feelings that's rude.

I had a friend who couldn't come to lunch with her dd because she was working. She explained that her mum watched her dd that day so I had grandma come instead who was lovely. It felt fine because she showed me the courtesy of explaining the situation rather than acting as if my hospitality was a entitlement. Had she just said "great, and btw my mom will come instead of me" I would have found it odd and rude.

nancydrewfoundaclue · 31/05/2011 17:56

Oh x posts - I see you did actually use the phrase "get to know you better". So that makes her reply a little ruder, but TBH I'd find such a worded text...well just a little odd. Sorry.

magicmelons · 31/05/2011 17:56

I think YAB a bit U, i can see where you are coming from but as a wahm i often feel the dc miss out on playdates etc, in her position i might even do the same. She probably wasn't clear and thought that you were only asking her because you wanted the kids to play.

If she doesn't work and has a nanny then i would feel differently about this.

basingstoke · 31/05/2011 17:56

Had she said she wasn't free but her DH was and could he bring the children instead, would that have been OK. I don't know - I'm wondering if the people who think it's infra dig to chat to the nanny are the ones who are a bit snobby? Wink

omnishambles · 31/05/2011 17:59

The phrase 'get to know you better' would have me running for the hills.

ObiWan · 31/05/2011 17:59

TBH a text like that would have had me running for the hills - there is something a bit cloying about it.

Probably the we can have a chinwag over coffee and get to know each other better whilst they play.
It sounds like you're hitting on her Grin

bobbismum · 31/05/2011 18:00

wow! after reading exact wording of text I have 2 comments 1-YANBU,rude,rude,rude woman...is basically you saying 'I think we could be friends' and her saying 'Not a chance,befriend the nanny' and therefore 2-stuff her

LineRunner · 31/05/2011 18:00

Basingstoke You are making assumptions out of molehills!

lemonandhoney · 31/05/2011 18:01

I dont think it's rude. I have, in the past, sent our nanny to events if I'm working. In this instance I would have phrased the text slightly differently but I don't think it is rude or snobby of her. Our nanny is now great friends with several of my friends who dont work, and they meet up with the dcs frequently. But if I hadn't made the introduction originally that wouldn't be happening now

Am laughing at the notion that I am part of a group of "people with staff" whose behaviour can be predicted on the basis of my childcare arrangements.

omnishambles · 31/05/2011 18:02
Original poster
sabretoothtiger · 31/05/2011 18:04

Ah ok that would be it. She thought I was hitting on her - ok Hmm

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 31/05/2011 18:04

If she's paying the nanny for that particular day of work then maybe she wants to get value for her money?
Maybe she sees the nanny and herself as interchangeable minders of the children.
Maybe she thought your intention was to have the four children play together supervised by her nanny?

Either way, she is not as interested in getting to know you as you are interested in getting to know her. Her focus is filling in timeslots in the children's day.

wisecamel · 31/05/2011 18:05

Hang on, I have a nanny looking after my DCs after school. She is in no way 'the help' or 'the staff' but a caring, professional woman who does things with DCs while I work. She initiates playdates after school with mums and DCs friends and I am very grateful that she makes the effort so that my DCs are not excluded on the after school circle.

Bearing in mind that OP only send a text, which is in itself pretty casual, I'd have asked my nanny to take the kids along and if she would have minded staying if the other mother felt there needed to be another adult around. Probably the DCs would have really wanted to go and there would have been no other way to do it. At least she emailed you back to say what her plans were. Anyway, if the visit was reciprocated on another school day, the nanny would be sorting that out, not me as I'd be at work!

I reckon it says more about the OP if she's got a problem making coffee for the nanny.