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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect the guest I invited over not to send the nanny as a substitute?

252 replies

sabretoothtiger · 31/05/2011 15:53

I hate posting in this category but am genuinely interested in whether my reaction is unreasonable.

DD1 is friends with a girl at school. DS is also friends with her brother. They all get on well but we haven't yet had any occasion to invite them over to play. I know the parents to chat to if I bumped into them but again not particularly well.

DD1 has been asking for the friend to come and play and so I sent a text asking if the mother would like to bring both children over to play and for tea and said that we could have a chinwag over coffee whilst they were playing and get to know each other better.

So the response has come back that the mother is busy but the nanny would love to come over for a chat and coffee. I was quite shocked and thought this very cheeky since the invitation was clearly directed at the mother too.

AIBU to expect either the mother to come or else to suggest an alternative date if she is busy rather than send the nanny (who I've never even met) - or is this normal?

OP posts:
LineRunner · 31/05/2011 19:51

Sabre Do you wonder why she gave you her mobile phone number? Did you think (as I would) that that meant she was up for some kind of acquaintanceship?

Original poster
sabretoothtiger · 31/05/2011 19:52

I'm quite surprised that people think it odd to invite the mother over. I've been invited over to lots of playdates before and part of it was getting to know the other mums. Maybe its different at this school.

Its not that I don't know the mother. I do know her in that we have had a number of small talk conversations at school, at parties and after DD1's dancing lessons. DD1 and her DD get on well at dancing and DS and her DS are in the same class at school.

Anyway I have now texted back with no mention of "lady love" or "chinwagging" and said that its a shame that she can't make it and we'll have to rearrange for another time. have said the nanny is very welcome to bring her DCs over on Friday.

OP posts:
Original poster
sabretoothtiger · 31/05/2011 19:54

Line runner I have her number since she has asked me to collect her DD from dancing a couple of times.

OP posts:
missinglalaland · 31/05/2011 19:55

knackermother sorry to be so insistent! I hope the other mums give you a chance. I am friends with several working mums at school. Our kids get along, and there is always time for a Sunday lunch here and there.

LineRunner · 31/05/2011 19:58

I think you are very sensible Sabre. It wasn't odd to invite the mother over, especially as she had presumably given you her mobile number, and you have acted very nicely.

Gotta laugh at the 'lady love' excuse given by one imaginative poster on this thread! I mean, as if the other mum would let her DCs go into the lair of someone she thought was a predatory lady lover... Or is the nanny going to be armed with a special curative spray?

Dear lord.

missinglalaland · 31/05/2011 20:00

Sabretooth I think everything you've done is normal. It certainly would be normal at either of my children's schools. Perhaps her nanny could pick your DD up from dancing a couple of times to return the favour? If you are going to have a functional relationship rather than a friendship, it might as well cut both ways.

foreverondiet · 31/05/2011 20:01

I think its ok to suggest. At that age the playdate is for the kids. If you don't fancy meeting up with the nanny just repond and say so.

ChippingIn · 31/05/2011 20:04

I think the way she replied was rude - she should have said either that she couldn't make it, but would it be OK if their nanny brought them because they'd love to come OR she was sorry she couldn't make it, but can you do x time/day instead?

However, if I had got your text I'd have run a mile too - it sounds like you are preparing to give her a spanish inquisition!! Next time, I suggest, you leave the 'we can get to know each other' bit out.... it's a bit 'intense'.

If you don't want to meet their nanny, who is by the way, another human being who you may actually like.... then text back that either you will have the children without the nanny or ask her to call you when she does have time to meet up - but don't be too surprised if you don't hear from her, whether that's due to the intensity of your text or her own issues.

brokenarrow · 31/05/2011 20:06

Stop right here. You have picked up her DD from dancing a couple of time, and she has not the time for a cup if coffee with you? wow.

wisecamel · 31/05/2011 20:06

Oh. LineRunner it was just a joke about the 'getting to know you better' being misunderstood! Anyway, of course, the DCs would still have been quite safe in the house, even if she had been a 'predatory lady lover'. Which she isn't.

You know what, OP, you should show X these messages and have a good laugh about it!

TheOriginalFAB · 31/05/2011 20:16

Maybe the mum works and that is why she has a nanny?

I found mums were very welcoming and not at all snobby when I went to their houses so the children could play.

Laquitar · 31/05/2011 20:18

OMG this is when i feel like the weirdo one here. It seems i'm the only one who finds the reply absolutely fine and normal.

If anything i think that OP is the snobby one here and not the other mother.

Oh and if she has a nanny then the nanny will be the one to host when your dcs go over there so it actually makes more sense to 'get to know' the nanny.

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/05/2011 20:21

ditto laquitar

Laquitar · 31/05/2011 20:22

Ah Thank God Grin

wisecamel · 31/05/2011 20:23

and me

Original poster
sabretoothtiger · 31/05/2011 20:27

I have nothing against nannies. I have nothing against people who have nannies. I may well have to have one myself in the future. I really am not a snob and whilst I have never met this particular nanny there are nannies and a childminder in the playground who I chat to.

I also understand being busy. I work full time and my life is one big juggling act with a full time job, three DCs and DH working away a lot. That's wasn't the point.

OP posts:
cat64 · 31/05/2011 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mumonahottinroof · 31/05/2011 20:29

And me

If you employ a nanny it is because, for whatever reason, you can't chaperone all playdates. I would however have said something like "so sorry I can don't that but my nanny would love to bring them if that's OK". My nanny just spent the day with another mum from dcs' school, I am very relieved these mums don't shun her as staff but simply treat her as another human being.

ObiWan · 31/05/2011 20:30

And me too!

Laquitar · 31/05/2011 20:31

Well if you work full time and have 3dc then surely you can understand that the mum is probably busy.

Original poster
sabretoothtiger · 31/05/2011 20:33

yes clearly but that wasn't the issue - Oh I give up!

OP posts:
Laquitar · 31/05/2011 20:36

What is the issue then?

ZombiePlan · 31/05/2011 20:38

This isn't about the OP not wanting to socialise with someone "beneath her". It's about the fact that she's extended a hand of friendship to someone and that person has offered a substitute without even asking if that was ok. That's a major snub imo (given the way your text was phrased, it's clear the invitation was personal to her rather than to "DC plus chaperone"). I mean, if you asked a guy out on a date, would you think it was ok for him to day "I can't make that - why not go with my friend instead"? I'm guessing the OP would be equally pissed off whether this woman had proffered the nanny, her best friend or her bank manager in her stead.

FWIW, while I wouldn't impede the girls' friendship in any way, I wouldn't be picking up this girl as a favour to the mother anymore. If she wouldn't even deign to have a coffee with me, then the nanny could do the pick-ups as far as I was concerned [bitchy emoticon]

herhonesty · 31/05/2011 20:38

and laquitar another one from me. perhaps the mother works full time and didnt want her children to miss out on a playdate.

sabre, i'm not sure what the issue you are saying the issue is. if you want to get to know the mother then ask her for drink when kids are in bed??

Original poster
sabretoothtiger · 31/05/2011 20:45

The issue was that the invitation was clearly directed at her too and that it is rude to send someone else along be that her nanny or anyone else who I've never met before without even asking if that is ok.

I really do understand that she might be busy and had she responded to suggest postponing, even indefinitely then that would have been fine.

Anyway - not even sure whether I should post this but have just had a response

"x will bring them for lunch instead since they are busy at tea time. Can you collect DD on saturday?"

I'm being very specific - I hope she's not reading this!! Blush

OP posts: