Our baby has been NFI to all our weddings this summer! How would you address?

[hellojude]

This is a tricky one...advice please.

We have been invited to a number of weddings this summer, however all of them have said no children. When I've check this inc babies. I've asked if we can bring our DD. Must couples have said sorry no, but if it's a problem let us know... Another has said a flat no
I fully understand no children at wedding as you have to feed them etc etc no babies....Yes it's their wedding but..WTF to me this seems unreasonable? Is it?

Our DD hasn't even had her 2 round of jabs yet. And whist I don't wish to miss any of our dear friends weddings, I don't want to leave her for 12 + hours. We don't have any family near-by and any friends who i could leave her (ie. godmother) with will be at the wedding too! And I'm not getting a sitter to look after a baby all day.

DH has said we can split the wedding, I'll go to my friends and he'll look after her and vice versa.

1. We are married and I don't want to go to a wedding without my husband.
2. We have a newborn baby and I don't want to leave her.
3. Everyone loves babies and IMO surely would bring great joy at a wedding

I really don't make to be 'that' person who makes the brides life a pain as planning a wedding is tough. I know I've done it. But should I make a stand and say, I'm sorry but I can't come without my baby??

Dam and blast it's tough, what would you all done / say?

TIA

p.s) none of these couples have children...I'm sure in a few years they will 'get it' so to speak.

Everyone does NOT love babies, unless they are their own. Some might, but not EVERYONE.

Your child is the centre of YOUR world, she is NOT the centre of these weddings nor of the happy couples' universe. Get over it

My 15 yo ds ha snot been invited to dh's cousin's wedding this summer as the rule is no children under 16 (he'll be 16 in October, wedding is in August). It's fine as I don't have to go from one country to another via a third for the wedding to leave ds with his gran; neither do I have to buy him a new suit, shoes etc, so we have declined.

I had one baby at my wedding as it was very very new, but even 25 years on I'd still be thinking carefully about having kids there.

Don't go. Most weddings are expensive and a bit shit anyway.

Save the money (I never give a present if I don't go) on something more fun.

I think there is a big difference between children in general and babies under six months who haven't been weaned yet, esp if they are breastfeeding.
Breastfeeding is, really, a half-way house between being in the womb and being in the outside world, so it's not reasonable to expect a mother of a new baby to leave said baby for more than a couple of hours at a time.
And how many of the guests at any one wedding are really likely to have a baby under six months? I really think an exception can be made for these.

Therefore, I would say, YANBU to decline the invitation, although they ANB entirely U to say no babies at their wedding. However, they would BVVVVVVU to be angry or annoyed with you for not coming because of that. You, on the other hand, WBU to insist on bringing your baby. Just don't go.

Although it is true that this is their wedding etc etc, it is really rude not to consider the (legitimate) needs of your guests at all. Refusing to do so makes you a bad host. You wouldn't invite someone who needs a wheelchair to get about and then ban wheelchairs, would you? Banning very young, breast-feeding babies is similar because it makes it impossible for the mother to attend. Furthermore, if you are breastfeeding a baby, it actually becomes quite painful to have to go for prolonged periods without feeding. I think it's a bit cruel to expect a new mother to do that.

I do think the "screaming baby" excuse is a bit of a red herring as well. Most will be quiet if you shove a boob at them and, if not, one of you takes the baby outside. Simples.

I hate the whole child free wedding thing personally, most couples without kids just assume that you can get babysitters and don't realise its more difficult

usually if its a close friend and you get in contact you can scope out a bit more detail.

Just call them, it will be crap going without your husband unless you want to be the loser drunk dancing on your own

(have photo evidence of said loser dancing having been let off the leash for a night)

just explain that if they cry you'll take them out of the service etc and they're breastfeeding, then look very sad and say you never get to go anywhere anymore......:)

It's possible that the Reception venue won't allow children. I looked at one place that didn't allow any kids under 7, not even babies. On that basis I discounted it, but we had a teeny tiny number of guests so I really wanted to accommodate everyone. Personally I was much happier having a screeching baby along than great-great-aunt-Fanny-who-I-don't-even-know. But it's their day, so their rules.

I KNOW I KNOW

here is what really fucking annoys me, you have to invite peoples partners, even if they are the worlds largest shit you cant NOT invite a partner.
true isnt it?

yet in the UK its completely OK to not invite a small baby

that wont eat
that wont drink

fuckers

just dont go if you cant leave her simple, you weill save a fortune on gifts/hotel/outfit and go to soemwhere nice instead

the worst thing is making an exception for one couple to take a baby, and the people sat on thier table at the reception, who have all left thier children at home, get stuck with the couple cooing over the newborn (have been there)

Just dont go.

their wedding, their rules but they have to be prepared for a fair few parents who dont want to dump their kids on someone else for the day (and evening)

I wouldnt go. WOuldnt think twice about it

i agree with hully also, weddings now seem to be flled with peoples mates having hedonistic fun, very little family

one of the nicdest weddin gs I went to was 80% family, a really lovely vibe

and valhalla, why is it OK to exlcude a small baby but not for example someones partner?

Agree with dollius a baby under 6 months is totally different to an older (eating) baby or child. Totally understand those who don't want bigger children at their wedding.

Esp if bf you can't leave them all day (regardless of if anyone offers).

Bit of a shame to invite you when really its not an option to go.

Why don't you just go to the evening do?

Wow, some of these venues sound so very dangerous, ponds and.... corridors...

Anyway, though I am of the ones that think it odd, I really wouldn't get upset about it. It's just my opinion. Fair enough, they don't want to pay for everyones kids or they hate kids or whatever, it's their wedding, their perogative, they can do what they like. Just don't go.

FWIW (probably not very much) I have been invited one wedding without DC and have not gone, but have sent a politely worded reply to the tune of 'As I am unable to leave the DCs for that length of time, I am unable to attend'. I have never seen this as 'taking a stand'!

Don't people decline to go to weddings because they are working/distance/cost/accessibility/pets that need kennels/elderly parents needing caring for/exams the next day/all sorts of reasons? If you don't feel that you can go, don't go. You choose what suits your personal situation. But it is not an issue.

To all the people who (sensibly) say, "Just decline politely" - have you ever actually tried that? I've had many invites to child-free weddings. Sometimes, depending on location, the age of my kids and who else is going, we've been happy to go without the kids. Sometimes we haven't been able to, and have declined. And I have never, ever, had a "That's a shame but we respect your decision" response from the bride and groom after declining. Sometimes they've changed their minds and invited the kids, but sometimes we've had weeks of to-ing and fro-ing and heavy pressure for us to change our minds, in spite of the fact that it's been practically impossible. It's all harder than it sounds!

I understand why people specify no children but it is something that seems to have become more widespread.

I went to quite a lot of weddings as a child and had great fun playing nicely skidding across the polished surfaces of the dance floor with other children. I feel quite sad that my younger DC are unlikely to have these experiences as I every invite in the last 5 years or so seems to have gone for the no children rule. My 18yr old DD went to plenty of weddings as a child so it seems to me to be a more recent trend.

I had children at my wedding including a 2 week old baby and had a fabulous time, don't recall any of them being a problem. My sister had loads of kids at hers and it was lovely seeing them all dressed up and dancing at the disco.

Weddings used to be about families and communities getting together, sharing joy etc...a lot of weddings I have heard about recently seem much more hung up on detail and perfection.

I think it is probably indicative of current culture and I think it is a shame because the more children are ostracised from 'grown up' situations the more isolating and difficult parenting seems.

Soon the only socialising available to parents will be going to play gyms watching children bouncing like lunatics off piss stained padded walls and ball pools, which ironically reinforces all the things children are disliked for. More time spent observing etiquette at family/adult occasions might teach them something. No wonder more people are choosing not to have children.

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable but it is a very subjective manner. I always send a nice card politely declining (we don't have sitters for all day or all weekend weddings) but always feel sad about doing so.

I don't get wht the problem is.

You have been invited to somewhere that babies aren't welcome, so you either go without your baby or you don't go at all. Your choice. End of.

OMG harsh people, harsh. I totally understand your dilemma, the first time I left my DS, was for a good friend's wedding that I was reading at. I agree, they don't get it before they have kids of their own. I was bfing & ended up pumping in the loos. I do think that couples should say children under 6mnths or even 1 year are welcome. I also understand that you don't want to go on your own, where's the fun in that?! I don't think you are being unreasonable, weddings should be family celebrations,it's ridiculous to expect a mother to be parted from a new born. I would explain why you can't leave her & if they don't get it, then unfortunately you may have to decline the invite.

Another one for just don't go. It is a shame but it's only 1 summer of no weddings really, next year the baby will be ok with a sitter I suppose (as you said it was the fact that it is new born that's the problem)

I think it's just one of those things we sacrifice as parents. It's not long.

porcamiseria Wed 25-May-11 13:30:45
I KNOW I KNOW

here is what really fucking annoys me, you have to invite peoples partners, even if they are the worlds largest shit you cant NOT invite a partner.

Of course you can not invite partners. Some people don't even mind going somewhere on their own where they will still be surrounded by loads of people they know, I wouldn't. However, this does get into a whole new category of AIBU

I got the impression from the OP that baby is not BF, simply because she said that there are no family baby can be left with for 12 hours, implying that BF is not the main reason. How would the poor lass feel now that so many people have said 'Of course you should be able to bring a BF baby, that is different, etc etc' if this would not even be one of the reasons for her? Come on everyone, you need to be thinking of specific reasons why the OP should be allowed to bring her baby...

We had this last year and basically just missed several weddings.

Totally agree with you pleasekeepcalmandcarryon so true.

We're the other way. On the few occasions we have been invited to a wedding with our DC we have left them with someone else and gone on our own anyway. The only two times we have taken our children when they were invited as well were when it was family getting married.
The first was my cousin and my 2 toddlers had to be taken out of the church as they were being too noisy.
The church wasn't very large and I ended up outside in the freezing cold with no coat.
The second time was my sister's wedding and 2 of my DD were bridesmaids but another 2 of my children were under 3 so we left them with other family memebers but we did take our 5 week old.
My cousin's wedding taught us that young children and church wedding services don't always mix.

YABVU

a very good friend of mine, had one of her best friends getting married 2 weeks after her due date...
It was no children

she had HOPED she would have had him by then, but realised she could actually be being induced on the date.

as it was baby was 2 weeks early (so 4 weeks old on the day) Wedding was local and so was her mum, so she left baby there... went to church... fed baby.. went to reception etc.

If its no children then its no children...

you need to draw the line.... if an 8 week old baby is ok, what about a 4 months old? What about someone else 6 month old? and the other persons 7 month old who can now crawl.... and someone elses 9 month old who is now walking and a toddler? a 15month old who doesnt yet walk?

there wedding, their choice.

you either get a baby sitter or dont go, but dont expect to take baby because YOUR baby is sooo small, because they can't let your baby in, and not someone elses who is only 8 weeks older or whatever....

I love babies but I didn't want any at my wedding. No children either.

I had to relent with DH's family (long story) and then a friend of mine had severe PND and her baby was only 4 months, so I ended up with that baby, a 6 year old bridesmaid, who was a joy and my only bridesmaid and a 19 month old who ruined our vows. Was furious.

But some friends kicked up a huge fuss, which frankly pissed me off no end. My wedding, my rules

The OP seems to be hiding!