Our baby has been NFI to all our weddings this summer! How would you address?

[hellojude]

This is a tricky one...advice please.

We have been invited to a number of weddings this summer, however all of them have said no children. When I've check this inc babies. I've asked if we can bring our DD. Must couples have said sorry no, but if it's a problem let us know... Another has said a flat no
I fully understand no children at wedding as you have to feed them etc etc no babies....Yes it's their wedding but..WTF to me this seems unreasonable? Is it?

Our DD hasn't even had her 2 round of jabs yet. And whist I don't wish to miss any of our dear friends weddings, I don't want to leave her for 12 + hours. We don't have any family near-by and any friends who i could leave her (ie. godmother) with will be at the wedding too! And I'm not getting a sitter to look after a baby all day.

DH has said we can split the wedding, I'll go to my friends and he'll look after her and vice versa.

1. We are married and I don't want to go to a wedding without my husband.
2. We have a newborn baby and I don't want to leave her.
3. Everyone loves babies and IMO surely would bring great joy at a wedding

I really don't make to be 'that' person who makes the brides life a pain as planning a wedding is tough. I know I've done it. But should I make a stand and say, I'm sorry but I can't come without my baby??

Dam and blast it's tough, what would you all done / say?

TIA

p.s) none of these couples have children...I'm sure in a few years they will 'get it' so to speak.

It's the bride and groom's day and if they say no DC then that's the way it is.

YABU saying you have to go as a couple IMO that is a bit silly. I think your DH's suggestion is a very good one. If it was a really good friend of mine I would go solo and enjoy.

that's a good point about partners - i had a couple of random girlfriend/boyfriends at my wedding, can't remember their names, didn't speak to them all day (not deliberately), they've now split up with my friend/relative but i still had to pay £* to feed them and take up a place. how is that o.k but a baby in a buggy sleeping most of the day (i know not all babies do, but mine does) is not? only older kids need a meal (i wouldn't expect £* worth of food for my 3 and 2yr old) and they won't be necking all the alcohol so i really don't get the logic.

i'm missing a wedding this week due to a 'no babies/kids' rule and am really pissed off about it but hey ho. dh doesn't have to use up a day off work and we get to save some money.

porcamiseria, where did I say that it was ok not to invite a child/baby but not ok to refuse to include a friend or family member's obnoxious spouse?

I'd have no problem with either. I see no reason why anyone HAS to invite any person they don't want to their own wedding, regardless of the age or relationship to them of that person. And yes, I HAVE practised what I preach.

You've been invited to a social event organised by and paid for by your friends. Because of your circumstances you are unable to attend that social occasion. It's a shame but you're a parent now and it comes with the territory. All you need to do is politely decline and wish them a great day.

Not all guests are delightful wedding guests either. Some people have never been in a church and don't know how to behave.

The difference past 6 months is that solids, and cups of milk are an option for the day.

A 19 month old at a wedding sounds a recipe for disaster!!

Vallhala I wish I had your bravery. I reluctantly invited the girlfriend of a friend of mine to my wedding and I regret it to this day. I hate seeing her in the photos. She is easily the most horrid person I have ever met.

Maybe the increase in childfree weddings correlates with more and more children being allowed to be complete brats without being told off by their parents? Even if you think you will remove a child straight away, the noise is still disruptive while you are getting them out of the ceremony. As for weddings being a family occasion, I agree, but these are not family weddings, they are friend's weddings. Not all families have children within them anyway so it's perfectly reasonable for them to have a childfree wedding.

YANBU. We had no children at our wedding as the venue (and our budget) limited the amount of people we could sit down and feed. Babies were perfectly welcome as they did not require a chair or meal - simple. I explained this to all of our friends who had kids and apologised for any offence and as far as I know none was taken. We now have an 8 week old DS. We have been invited to two weddings this year and luckily DS has been welcomed too but if he hadn't I would have stayed home (but would have been happy for DH to go alone). Try not to be offended and don't let it spoil your friendships - I'm sure they just don't understand if they have no kids yet.

This has been debated before, and its their wedding so their choice. Whatever you think for some people it is a pain to have babies there, even newborn ones a weddings. There might be limited space in the room and the buggy might get in the way, and the baby might cry at the wrong moment, also they might be the centre of attention and the bride might not want that.

Also, FWIW I think they get in the way of your enjoyment of the wedding as a parent, eg you are constantly on edge worrying about the baby waking up and crying, or wondering whether the music is too loud.

Personally if it was me I'd probably leave the baby behind, but if I didn't want to leave my baby for that long (esp if breastfeeding) I'd take a babysitter with to push the baby around outside etc. If it was in a hotel I'd hire a room for the babysitter and the baby. If that isn't feasible (eg cost or finding suitable person) then you can't go.

Also perhaps you can ask the bride/groom if they can find you babysitter - that way the babysitter wouldn't have to travel with you. We've been to weddings overseas and the hotels we've been in have been able to find babysitters.

How many of us have spent a fortune on babysitters for the day, as children are not invited, and looked forward to some "grown up" time, only to be seated beside a baby because, "you are good with kids!"?

How many of us have sat next to two or three empty seats during the meal because we are seated next to a family with an infant at a child free wedding and the mum has had to go and breast feed during the meal?

I love kids and I enjoy weddings with lots of kids at them. It is frustrating for parents of older children though, to not be able to take their own children to a wedding, yet to still be left dealing with children at a wedding because others have guilted the bride and groom into inviting theirs.

naturalbaby - I know what you mean about partners, but if you invitation says X plus guest then they can bring a guest.

My friend turned up with her on/off bf to mine and it STILL pisses me off that I spent £40 feeding the knob head. AND it was 10 years ago.

No baby/child means just that. You should not put pressurs on the bride by asking her to change her plans. As for everyone loving a baby, well they are a bit smelly and boring and unpredictable so, no, I loved my OWN babies, not so keen on others.

I was at a recent wedding where the bride had been obliged to invite a close family unit with two small ones; one howled through the service- he was obviously unwell as he later vomited his lunch on the table. The other one would not keep his special outfit on and ran around in his pants all day. "How cute!"-NOT!

I have nothing much to add but I did enjoy the bits about "everyone loving babies" and the OP's baby "bringing joy to the wedding"!!
Sorry to burst your balloon but:

a) Lots of people only love their own babies and some people actively dislike babies and/or children.
b) The happy couple's joy will not depend on your or anyone else's baby.

HTH

WoD I'm a determined boot when it comes to people I don't like! Not brave, just arsey!

FWIW I've been invited to the June wedding of the brother of my oldest, dearest friend, who is to be witness at the ceremony, some miles from where I live. His DP doesn't want to go as she hates weddings so he's invited me instead. My teenaged DDs are invited of I wish, I have chosen to go without them and have a rare break.

My mother, for the first time in nigh on 16 years of my lone parenthood, has offered to have my DDs for that weekend but nonetheless if my rescue friends cannot care for my dogs I will be unable to go.

I won't be "making a stand", I'll be saying, "Sorry, I can't get dog care but I wish you all the happiness in the world, Bride and Groom." What else? Should I kick off because they won't invite the centre of MY world, my dogs?!!

I think you should explain to your friends (nicely!) why you won't be able to go. I recently had an invite to a child free wedding from a very good friend (have 2dc aged 2 and 4). We have no family nearby and no one I would ask to look after the two of them all day, so decided that I would go on my own and dh would stay at home with the kids.

Saw friend last week and she asked who was having the kids. I said dh, I was coming on my own, and she was horrified - I think it just hadn't occured to her that it would be difficult to find someone. Cost and space is the issue for her so she said that if anyone drops out the dc can come. She also mentioned that lots of her friends had babies, but that was ok because it was much easier to leave a baby all day than my dc... er... not at all sure that it is!

So your friends might just have no idea, and if you talk to them, they might change their minds.

I think it's quite offensive to assume that just because they don't have kids that they don't understand.

Maybe they don't understand because they don't have kids, but maybe they understand perfectly that babies can cry, and that parents can be too obsessed with their offspring to care, or even realise how much they are disturbing others. Maybe for the most special and expensive day of their lives, they don't want to take that risk.

Nobody wants a crying baby or a giggling toddler making noise during their vows, but it regularly happens.

I welcomed children of all ages at my wedding, but if someone doesn't want to, that is their choice, not their lack of understanding.

Potplant you are a nicer person than me. When inviting people to my wedding, I went with the reasoning that if they would know other people there and had no serious partner, they were invited alone. I would never put 'and guest' on all the invited, some people bring friends along!
[meanie emoticon]

Actually, your dogs might be better behaved than some children I've encountered at weddings Valhalla!

Icelolly craving - my best friend got married 5 years ago this month. It was a 'child free' wedding. As she was my best friend I had a sitter look after my ds1 (aged just 3) and my ds2 (aged 10 months). It never occurred to me to ask if I could bring my ds2.

When I got there my friend had allowed other friends to bring along 'babes in arms'. I would say the other babies were all under 6 months. I was quite upset that my ds2 wasn't there and felt it wasn't fair.

However, what one person's idea of a baby is not always another persons. I have a SIL who still insists upon calling her daughter a 'baby' when she is 4!

Oh... and if I get sat next to anyone else's screaming, boring small child at this wedding, I will not be a happy person. Of course I will not say a word but I've done my time with my own small children, I have never been fond of other people's and I really don't want to be expected to indulge yours, fellow guests!

(Unless of course you are happy for me to bring the dogs along! :o ).

I would happily sit next to one of your dogs at a wedding Valhalla - beats a screaming baby when I have spent a fortune not bringing my own!

This is already up to page six.

OP: sorry but none of your three points in the 1st post are anything to do with the bride and groom. I think the comment "I'm not getting a sitter all day" kind of says it all. The bride and groom are thinking about themselves in laying these rules down, you've clearly got YOUR interests in the forefront of your mind (but hey, great to be honest about it). But it's their day.

I asked people not to bring babies to my wedding. In fairness, there was only one person who would bring her baby - baby was only going to be 3 months old and friend lived nearby and had close family nearby, so I knew she had someone who could look after him no problems. I just didn't want to hear a screaming baby during my wedding ceremony.

On the other hand, I'm going to a wedding in a foreign country in the Summer and DS is coming too. However, he will be 18 months old, friend has said it's fine as they have other friends bringing children, and he's old enough to be quiet for 30 minutes during a wedding ceremony. And if he's not quiet, he will get taken outside by DH! It's an old friend of mine getting married, and DH has said that he'll take DS back to the hotel in the evening whenever he starts to get tetchy or tired.

If my friend had said no children then I would have gone to the wedding, and left DH in the hotel with DS for the duration and probably not gone to the evening bit. I think the people getting married have a right to say who does/doesn't come to their wedding.