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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Our baby has been NFI to all our weddings this summer! How would you address?

373 replies

hellojude · 25/05/2011 12:23

This is a tricky one...advice please.

We have been invited to a number of weddings this summer, however all of them have said no children. When I've check this inc babies. I've asked if we can bring our DD. Must couples have said sorry no, but if it's a problem let us know...Confused Another has said a flat no Sad
I fully understand no children at wedding as you have to feed them etc etc no babies....Yes it's their wedding but..WTF to me this seems unreasonable? Is it?

Our DD hasn't even had her 2 round of jabs yet. And whist I don't wish to miss any of our dear friends weddings, I don't want to leave her for 12 + hours. We don't have any family near-by and any friends who i could leave her (ie. godmother) with will be at the wedding too! And I'm not getting a sitter to look after a baby all day.

DH has said we can split the wedding, I'll go to my friends and he'll look after her and vice versa.

  1. We are married and I don't want to go to a wedding without my husband.
  2. We have a newborn baby and I don't want to leave her.
  3. Everyone loves babies and IMO surely would bring great joy at a wedding Smile

I really don't make to be 'that' person who makes the brides life a pain as planning a wedding is tough. I know I've done it. But should I make a stand and say, I'm sorry but I can't come without my baby??

Dam and blast it's tough, what would you all done / say?

TIA

p.s) none of these couples have children...I'm sure in a few years they will 'get it' so to speak.

OP posts:
bluebobbin · 25/05/2011 13:03

Just don't go. Banning babies from weddings is pretty sad, I think. But their choice - consequences being that some people can't go.

aldiwhore · 25/05/2011 13:04

Its the bride and groom's day, they want you there, they don't want kids... right or wrong, fair or not, they can do what they want. If you can't go, you can't go.

Its always worth saying to a close friend 'I'm so sorry we just can't come as we're not prepared to leave baby for so long, but have a lovely day', they MIGHT just make an exception, I did for a very very few close friends, but I did ask them not to stay too late because our party wasn't particularly appropriate for young children, purely because of the amount of alcohol consumed.

Mumanator · 25/05/2011 13:04

No likds were invited to my wedding for three very good reasons:

  1. Too expensive - inviting the kids would have added nearly another £1000 to our overall costs.
  2. Our venue was near water and woods therefore potentially dangerous if parents aren't paying full attention to their offspring.
  3. I didn't want any kids crying, running about, grisling, whining or generally being a nuisance on our big day!
Think about the needs of your adult friends!
YorkieGate · 25/05/2011 13:05

Giddy - absolutely, its their day, their rules either because of practical constraints or just personal preference.

I only mention that having politely declined invites in the past because I couldn't leave my baby (less than 12wks and breastfed), twice the bride has changed her mind - a surprise to me the first time it happened.

I think that when I first (the first time) asked if I could bring the baby, she didn't really understand that it was either baby+me+DH or none of us. From talking to her she hadn't expected us to decline, I think she was expecting us to begrudgingly find someone to leave the baby with. She didn't understand that no mummy all day = no food all day for the baby. So when she received our decline she was a little shocked and then got in touch to say of course the baby could come.

Mumanator · 25/05/2011 13:05

that should've said kids! not likds!

Folk · 25/05/2011 13:05

We had this when DS1 was a baby 10 years ago - two close friends - but we just couldn't go - and tbh weren't sure we wanted to....

...we used the money we would have spent on hotels / outfits etc. on a nice weekend away Grin

lubberlich · 25/05/2011 13:05

worraliberty
Just for the benefit of that rather racist comment lubberlich I've been to both Irish and Spanish weddings were babies/children weren't invited either.

Well you have got one on me there. I am half Irish and as such have been compelled to attend thousands of fecking weddings - I have never known one where kids were actively excluded. Never been to any Caribbean or Indian or Jewish or Italian ones like that either. The only time I have ever received no kids allowed invites is in England - make of that what you will. This trend seems to be growing in "acceptability".

This no kids allowed thing is just bridezilla bullshit.

fgaaah · 25/05/2011 13:05

1) We are married and I don't want to go to a wedding without my husband.

YANBU

2) We have a newborn baby and I don't want to leave her.

YANBU

3) Everyone loves babies and IMO surely would bring great joy at a wedding

YABVVU

So don't go. You've no idea why they haven't invited children, maybe it's to do with the facilities at the venue, or strict limitations on numbers, or catering reasons, maybe even insurance. Or maybe they don't want screaming children to ruin it. or maybe they have a particularly badly behaved cousin and it's less political just to ban all children.

Don't go if it doesn't suit - that would be fine. But don't complain if you're given your choices, the wishes of the happy couple are known, and you still want to take them...

GiddyPickle · 25/05/2011 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

berylmuspratt · 25/05/2011 13:08

We had lots of littlies and a very lovely baby at our wedding - oh how we laughed when her nappy leaked on her Mum's bridesmaids dress :)

HOWEVER, it is the Bride and Groom's day so their wishes must be respected. I'd send a card and not go.

littlemisslozza · 25/05/2011 13:08

For those of you who don't understand why the bride and groom might sometimes not invite children.... we would have potentially had around 50 children at our wedding!! Ridiculous quite frankly, so it's not that we don't like children, just if you say yes to some (other than immediate family) then it's not fair to exclude others. We did not, however, say no to newborn babies,they were not written on the invitation either though (as weren't born!) but we mentioned that it wasn't a problem if they needed to bring them.

DandyLioness · 25/05/2011 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PasstheTwiglets · 25/05/2011 13:09

It's ridiculous to not allow children to weddings - if you're bothered about noise then all you do is say "no children during the ceremony". The reception/evening are going to be noisy enough that a baby crying won't make the slightest bit of difference. I wouldn't leave my baby at home so I'd decline the invite but definitely explain why (politely, of course!)

LadyOfTheManor · 25/05/2011 13:10

It's not your wedding. If they've said "no children" then don't take any children, or stay at home with children.

Not everyone sees screaming babies as a joy.

Don't try and be difficult and try and smuggle your baby in, just accept they don't want children there. Send a card.

IgnoringTheChildren · 25/05/2011 13:10

I was in this situation at earlier this year - children were welcome at the church service but not the reception so we said DH would go but I wouldn't as DS2 would be about 8 weeks. We were then told we could bring the baby but not DS1 (who's 3) but I still declined as I wasn't sure how DS1 was going to take to the new baby and didn't want him to feel left behind while we went to the wedding. We then were told we could bring him too!

When we got to the reception we discovered that there were in fact quite a few children there! The bride and groom may have wanted a child-free wedding (which I have no problem with - just don't be surprised if you friends with young children can't make it!) however they didn't consider the fact that both brothers of the groom had children and the relatives who ordinarily would have babysat were also at the wedding! Grin

Hullygully · 25/05/2011 13:11

I think weddings have changed a great deal, they are now no longer all inclusive family-oriented knees-ups and it is a shame.

I have been invited to a wedding from which OAPs are banned.

5318008 · 25/05/2011 13:11

I don't see how it's ''tricky'' and ''making a stand'' to decline

can you explain further, OP?

DandyLioness · 25/05/2011 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5318008 · 25/05/2011 13:12

NB if a church wedding then anyone can go to the ceremony invited or not as it's a public event

lubberlich · 25/05/2011 13:13

Weddings are often the only chance large families get together and it is an opportunity for family members to meet new members of the family (i.e. babies) and see how the kids are doing.
Or do children not become fully paid up members of families until they reach 16? What about bridesmaids etc?
All very odd.

moodymary · 25/05/2011 13:13

Although I understand your point of view op, I agree with previous posters - 'their day, their rules'.
We excluded children from our wedding due to restrictions on numbers and therefore felt we had to extend that to included babies (otherwise, where did we draw the line - x can bring their 10 month breast fed baby but y can't bring their 12 month old etc etc). We were lucky that all our guests understood and no one declined our invitation because of it.
Five years on, I now have a three year old and a five month old. We have attended several weddings without our oldest and will attend our first since the birth of our youngest next month.
It is what it is. If you don't want to leave your baby, don't go!

beamel · 25/05/2011 13:16

They don't want babies at their wedding - that's their decision. Reasonable or not you have to respect that.
If you don't want to leave your baby (entirely reasonable by the way), or go without your DH (also entirely reasonable in my book), then decline the invite.
Accept that's the way it is and move on !

mathwi · 25/05/2011 13:17

This happened to us as well. Our DS was only 5weeks when the wedding took place. The venue was 3hr drive away from our hometown with family and friends. I was also breast feeding at the time, therefore we decided that DH should go on his own. Declined very politely and didn't think anything of it. Two weeks before the wedding the bride calls me up to say she's been told off by her mum! Basically telling her that of course she can't expect us to leave such a small baby and we are more than welcome to use her house (which was opposite the church) if I needed to.Their reason for not having kids was that they wanted me and DH to be "ourselves" for a night, not just mum and dad :) Still decided to stay at home though, but DH went on his own. A few weeks after the wedding we met up for dinner and we all sat looking through the wedding album and had a lovely evening. Still very good friends and I still think it's up to each couple if they want children or not at their wedding!

maddiemostmerry · 25/05/2011 13:18

I agree with Hully.

Weddings used to be about family and friends and heaven forbid religion! Now it seems to me about being a princess/control freak for a day.

I wouldn't go

JoyceBarnaby · 25/05/2011 13:20

To the people who think weddings without children are 'sad' or 'odd' - why is that?

IMO, a wedding is a celebration of two people promising to be faithful and together forever. I fail to see why this celebration has to include other people's children to be seen as not 'sad' or 'odd'.

I equally enjoy weddings that have children as I do those that don't. I quite enjoy the opportunity to be child-free if they are not invited! Perhaps, OP, once your children are older that is something you will 'get' as you expect your friend to 'get' why everyone should love having babies around!!