Our baby has been NFI to all our weddings this summer! How would you address?

[hellojude]

This is a tricky one...advice please.

We have been invited to a number of weddings this summer, however all of them have said no children. When I've check this inc babies. I've asked if we can bring our DD. Must couples have said sorry no, but if it's a problem let us know... Another has said a flat no
I fully understand no children at wedding as you have to feed them etc etc no babies....Yes it's their wedding but..WTF to me this seems unreasonable? Is it?

Our DD hasn't even had her 2 round of jabs yet. And whist I don't wish to miss any of our dear friends weddings, I don't want to leave her for 12 + hours. We don't have any family near-by and any friends who i could leave her (ie. godmother) with will be at the wedding too! And I'm not getting a sitter to look after a baby all day.

DH has said we can split the wedding, I'll go to my friends and he'll look after her and vice versa.

1. We are married and I don't want to go to a wedding without my husband.
2. We have a newborn baby and I don't want to leave her.
3. Everyone loves babies and IMO surely would bring great joy at a wedding

I really don't make to be 'that' person who makes the brides life a pain as planning a wedding is tough. I know I've done it. But should I make a stand and say, I'm sorry but I can't come without my baby??

Dam and blast it's tough, what would you all done / say?

TIA

p.s) none of these couples have children...I'm sure in a few years they will 'get it' so to speak.

its a bride and grooms perogative to decide who/ what takes place on their wedding day. so accept it and make plans accordingly

I have no problem with child free weddings and am always surprised that so many people shriek and fall about at the terrible insult of their children being excluded.

However, I did go to one child free wedding that nearly had the entire guest list rioting. It was in a location that is about as remote as it is possible to get in the British isles and the accommodation was over an hours travel from the venue. Not only were children not invited, bit the bride and groom dictated that people could not bring children to the hotel and arrange babysitting or tag team. The reason was that they wanted everyone to travel together by coach and they didn't want people coming and going over the course of the whole day wedding activities. They enforced it by banning cars at the venue.

So anyone who wanted to attend had to arrange childcare for 3 days, pay an absolute bloody fortune to travel and stay and were confined to the venue from 10am till 4 in the morning.

And when we got there an exception had been made (or someone had ignored the rule, not sure which) and two children were present. You could almost hear the collective in drawing of breath when everyone discovered this!

We sucked it up as they are (normally) good friends but things were a little frosty at the wedding for a while!

valium - some people may try to!
I had a dance teacher from Singapore who was having a party in the UK. An evening one, barbecue and dancing - some of the class asked if children were invited, knowing that she had 1 of her own - and she was shocked! She said No, the party was for adults, it was an evening thing to allow them to get drunk if they wished, let their hair down and have a good time without worrying about the kids for once. She said this was normal in Singapore (I only have her word for it though). Some of the class seemed most put out that their beloved offspring wouldn't be welcome.

kungfu - that DOES sound very bridezilla-ish. It's one thing to prefer not having children at a wedding, but to do it because you want the guests focusing on the wedding ONLY all day is ridiculous. I think I would have refused that invitation.

A cocktail party and a wedding are in no way comparable! A wedding is about two families joining together and celebrating. I hate the attitude of "it's my day I'll have what I want" as though the couple are a pair of tantrumming toddlers. If you invite guests, surely their enjoyment of the day is important, otherwise what's the point? You may as well go off and get married alone.

if someone isnt happy with the arrangements then DONT GO! amazes me how much people bitch about couples' planning their OWN wedding day. which is a day ultimately for them, a one off and frankly how they choose to do it is up to them!

What is NFI Not formally invited?

Don't go. They sound like a miserable bunch anyway.

I am in total agreement with those upthread who've stated that weddings with no children are a symptom of the overpriced, overcoordinated nonsense that weddings have become.

I also agree that children do need to learn to socialise with adults. And most importantly, adults need to accept that children have a right to be in wider society, rather then scowling if a parent dares to take their children out anywhere other than McDonalds.

I don't agree that a wedding is all about two families coming together. It isn't the family who promises to love and care for each other, is it? It's the bride and groom. Ultimately, they are the ones doing the joining - the rest are incidental. And sometimes parts of the family will never meet from either side, so there isn't much "coming together" going on.

I also don't agree that a wedding is about pretty much everyone else apart from the bridal couple. I get really worked up at the idea that the guests are more important than the celebratory couple. Of course you should want your guests to enjoy their day, but not at the expense of your own enjoyment.

Noddy - I took it to be not fucking invited, but you could be right

If you don't want babies there you just don't. Some people have their vision of the 'big day' and it doesn't inc screaming and wriggling they will soon learn when they have kids of their own but until then you have to respect their wishes. If it bothered me I just wouldn't go. I personally would prefer a screaming baby at my wedding than some of my family. Although I am not married and never would so is irrelevant really

I think no kids is reasonable but no newborns is not. Also, if your baby cries, you walk out of the room. That is just plain good manners.

I think on eof the problems with traditional weddings and children, is that so few children now go to church so they aren't used to sitting through a church service. I generally find children who do got to church are often much better behaved at this part of the wedding than other children.

I think weddings used to be about bringing 2 families together and occassionally still are. But nowdays the focus is much much more on the nuclear family, so weddings now tend to be much more about the couple rather than the families.

So why bother inviting anyone if it's all about the bride and groom?
I agree the OP should decline the invitation but I think it's sad that people have an image of their "perfect day" that causes resentment and unhappiness (unintentionally as it was) on what should be a happy occasion. Weddings, births and funerals always bring out the worst in some people!

Xpost Lesley, it sounds like I'm having a go at you - I'm not!

Some weddings are adult only affairs and dont welcome babies - it is the bride and grooms choice and since i think their wishes should be respected. Not all people love babies and frankly children at weddings can be a complete pain in the backside - crying, grizzly running riot.

I didnt have children at my wedding and since having my own dont regret making that choice at all - i think you should go with your husbands comprimise.

nochy - Although I agree in principle, I have been at a wedding where a parent sat with a screaming baby all through the church service. Frankly if I was inviting that parent to my wedding I would say no babies.

No its fine, Celia I didn't think you were having a go.

Celia - perhaps because the bride and groom would like people to be there to join in their day? That's the usual reason, now we do seem to have mostly got past much of the "duty invitations" that certainly existed in my parents' day.

And having been to my mother's funeral, with 2 family children who kicked up a rumpus throughout most of the ceremony until their father asked the mother to remove them (it hadn't crossed her mind), I can say that those parents wouldn't be welcome at a wedding where people might like to hear the vows either.

It's an old fave on mumsnet this topic - but I'll wade in anyway! (even though I've only skimmed this thread...)

I actually agree with OP - people do love babies (IME) and I think of a wedding as a lovely time where everyone gets together, kids slide about on parquet, aunties coo over babies and there are charming photos of the bride surrounded by scowling toddlers :o People who don't want kids at their wedding are IMO miserable gits! Yes flame me, I don't care.

All the weddings I've been to have included kids and the very sensible parents of babies sit at the back and whisk them outside if they start making a noise at an important moment. One I remember was in a marquee and i and half a dozen other parents ended up outside during the ceremony with our bored toddlers / crochety babies. It was lovely, we all sat on the grass and chatted, and were able to join in the fun/meal/dancing afterwards.

But anyway, what to do - to the one who flatly refused, say you can't go - to the others who sound a bit more flexible, get in touch, say you would love to come but you can't leave your baby, so would it be OK to bring the baby for a bit, and promise you'll do as above and remove the baby if necessary.

I do sympathise to an extent.

DH and I had a nominally child free wedding, not because we hated children, but because we were on a budget, had limited space and if we'd invited all of the children of cousins who we see (ironically) only at weddings and funerals etc we couldn't have had as many of our friends and family who had supported and shaped us, and who we wanted to celebrate with. We also made really clear that this wasn't 'anti-child' and if this would cause people any problems they should get in touch, and we'd see what we could do. A good number of people were happy to have a child free weekend (older DCs)

We made 2 exceptions, one for a couple whose family we too far away to provide childcare, and one for a 6 week old baby.

But I do slightly object to 'everyone loves babies'. I don't. Your baby is a delight to you, and possibly to your close family and friends. But not to everyone.

LOL im far from a miserable git but actually realise a good enjoyable time can be had without children being present!

I left my DD all day to go to a wedding when she was 8 weeks old, but only because she was looked after by her grandparents, she was FF and the wedding venue was not very far away. However, in your circumstances I would have declined the invitation. I certainly wouldn't have expected them make an exception for me, so YABU to expect them to relax the rules so you can take your baby. If they did give in to your request, you might not find it a very comfortable experience as I expect the other parents who have had to arrange childcare will be looking daggers at you!
To add to the debate, not all parents want to bring their children to weddings - we invited several couples with children to our wedding, making it clear the kids were more than welcome, but still ended up with a child free wedding.

I think YABVU to not even understand their points of view on this. Not everyone loves babies, but it isn't just about that. Unfortunately you have no guarantee your little one will be quiet when the ceremony is taking place.

OP, is this baby your PFB by any chance?

Just decline the invitation