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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DD is promiscuous and unreasonable?

377 replies

dangerousdebbie1 · 23/05/2011 20:26

DD, been going out with boyfriend for six weeks. She only turned 17 nine days ago. DD met her boyfriend at a guiding / scouting convention and they hit it off. Unfortunately, he lives 81 miles away in Nottingham. Anyway, just had a blazing row with DH and DD as DD announces that boyfriend is coming to visit next weekend and when I asked her where she thought he would sleep, she looked at me with aghast, and said in my bed of course.

Rightly or wrongly, I said over my dead body. I told DD in no uncertain terms that this was our home and not a brothel. DH says i'm out of order and reminded me that this is 2011 and not 1951.

I have been in tears over this. Sorry, but it wouldn't matter if she was 17 or 21, she isn't married so I will not let her share a bed in my house. Am confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
dangerousdebbie1 · 23/05/2011 20:29

meant add, I have name changed for this.

OP posts:
ManicAnnie · 23/05/2011 20:30

You have to go with your instincts. It is your house, after all. But I think your choice of language - 'brothel' etc - is unfortunate and your reaction is quite OTT. Can you not sit down and talk this through? You can put across your point - that you are uncomfortable with her having sex under your roof, especially with someone she barely knows - with out attacking her or alienating her, surely?

Crevix · 23/05/2011 20:30

17 is a bit young and she's only known him 6 weeks so maybe not now but to insist she can't share until she's married is a bit victorian.

kangers · 23/05/2011 20:31

YOUR HOUSE YOUR RULES. I agree- you don't yet know him. Let him sleep on settee.

saffy85 · 23/05/2011 20:32

YABTotallyU to speak to your DD that way. I'd have been fuming if my mum ever said something like that to me. Comparing a 17 year old wanting to share a bed with her boyfriend is just ever so slightly different to "treating your house like a brothel" wtf were you thinking????

You have a rule about her not sharing a bed with boyfriends under your roof, fine, that's your perogative (I respectfully disagree with that stance but whatever) but there was no need to say what you said.

EverythingInMiniature · 23/05/2011 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 23/05/2011 20:33

well if you don;t beleive in sex before marriageand you didn;t partake yourself then you are entitled to your views, though it is surprising that she managed to get to 17 being totally unaware of them and obviously believed that you wouldn;t have a problme with it.

Am a bit confused about why having sex with her boyfriend makes her a prostitute or promiscuous. She'd have to be having sex with multiple partners or charging for it surely Confused

WipsGlitter · 23/05/2011 20:33

Weeeeellll. A lot if parents have the "not under my roof rule". But sharing a bed doesn't necessarily mean they are having sex. You might be better off having a chat with her about loving relationships and contraception than accusing her of being a prostitute. Just because you don't want her to do it, won't mean she will listen. I think you're taking a pretty old fashioned approach and it is going to be very hard to open up a dialogue with your daughter. Do you really not expect her to have sex until she is married???

mumblechum1 · 23/05/2011 20:33

Is this a windup?

usualsuspect · 23/05/2011 20:33

Shes 17 ..theres nothing wrong with having sex at 17

whether she does it in your house or not shes still going to do it

Kewcumber · 23/05/2011 20:34

mumbelschum, I wondered that!

Shakirasma · 23/05/2011 20:35

I think it is entirely up to you who you allow as a house guest. It is your home and understandable that you don't want a strange man staying over.

However I think your use of language and general attitude toward your DD having sex are unreasonable. Promiscuous? Brothel? YABU to talk to your DD like that. It is 2011 and she is 17. She is not a child!

flowery · 23/05/2011 20:35

So if she never gets married but gets into a long term relationship with someone, has kids, you still won't let her partner share her bed at the age of 40?

I don't blame you for saying he should sleep on the sofa if she's 17 and only been going out with him for 6 weeks, but calling her promiscuous and implying she's prostituting herself just because she wants to stay with her boyfriend was pretty horrendous. :(

Disasterpiece · 23/05/2011 20:35

Your house your rules.

I used to think my mum was being too strict not letting my boyfriend sleep in the same room, can totally see her point now im an adult though.

Incidentally the boyfriend is now my partner, we have a DS and sleep in the same bed every night!

We are not married. Not that that makes any difference at all!

Dozer · 23/05/2011 20:36

As others have said, yanbu to have rules for your home, but yabvu in your use of language here and to dd.

JamieAgain · 23/05/2011 20:36

promiscuous ? - have you got evidence she's shagging around?

Calm down a bit and think it over. Quite understandable that you'd be uncomfortable about her sharing a bed with someone she hasn't known for long. Understandable you'd be put-out she'd assumed he'd be sleeping with hhim. Fine to find somewhere else for him to stay, but she is 17 and is probably already having sex.

WomanOfMassDestruction · 23/05/2011 20:36

Did you not sleep with your DH before you were married?

TattyDevine · 23/05/2011 20:36

A sexually active teen is not necessarily a promiscuous teen. One does not equal the other.

You are fast on the road to alienating her and pushing her away if you are reacting like this at 17.

There's no reason why he should stay in her bedroom, by any means, but that is not really the issue here. You can say a firm no to that without insulting her.

YAB VVV U.

Eglu · 23/05/2011 20:36

I think your reaction is totally OTT. 'brothel' seriously?

I think it is up to you if you allow her to share a room with her bf, however you could have put it better.

TattyDevine · 23/05/2011 20:37

Just to add, she is not necessarily sleeping with him.

bandgeek · 23/05/2011 20:37

It's your house so you are entitled to do what you like

However at 17 she is legally able to have sex and if you don't let her in your house she will just go elsewhere.

listeningstick · 23/05/2011 20:37

As a practising Christian I would throw any of my daughters out if they tried to bring this imorrality into our home, it is the thin end of the wedge so stick to your principles DD.

SpeedyGonzalez · 23/05/2011 20:37

Hmm Not convinced here, either.

JamieAgain · 23/05/2011 20:38

If he's a Scout he's probably a nice bloke, looking on the bright side. See how he treats her.

kangers · 23/05/2011 20:38

I think it is good to be clear that you think your daughter should not share a bed under your roof with someone you barely knows and she barely knows. Plus I can't believe that you have only just developed these views so what is she thinking of introducing the issue in the way she did- seems a lack of communication and understanding going on here. I would not have someone I barely knew sleeping in my house, and definitely not in DD bed like that. Taking the piss. Need to have some decorum and at least ask if he can stay in lounge/spare room. You are NBU- and you clearly care and shocked by this (tears). Explain your feelings to your dd and suggest the sofa.