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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DD is promiscuous and unreasonable?

377 replies

dangerousdebbie1 · 23/05/2011 20:26

DD, been going out with boyfriend for six weeks. She only turned 17 nine days ago. DD met her boyfriend at a guiding / scouting convention and they hit it off. Unfortunately, he lives 81 miles away in Nottingham. Anyway, just had a blazing row with DH and DD as DD announces that boyfriend is coming to visit next weekend and when I asked her where she thought he would sleep, she looked at me with aghast, and said in my bed of course.

Rightly or wrongly, I said over my dead body. I told DD in no uncertain terms that this was our home and not a brothel. DH says i'm out of order and reminded me that this is 2011 and not 1951.

I have been in tears over this. Sorry, but it wouldn't matter if she was 17 or 21, she isn't married so I will not let her share a bed in my house. Am confused.

OP posts:
TubbyDuffs · 24/05/2011 19:31

I remember my mum accusing me of all sorts at younger than that and it wasn't the case. could be that they may share a bed without actually having sex?

If you paint your own child as a tart it doesn't make for a very good relationship, can't you speak to her and tell her why you aren't happy about the arrangement.

Maybe he could come and stop and sleep in a separate room?

SpeedyGonzalez · 24/05/2011 19:31

Shiney, you are a prophetess! Grin

susantheslut · 24/05/2011 20:03

YABU and a wind up merchant.

fairydoll · 24/05/2011 20:07

YANBU to say separate beds but YABU toliken your DD to a hooker

TrillianAstra · 24/05/2011 20:15

Fuck. Ing. Hell.

What a horrible thing to say to your daughter.

I imagine she'll be moving out pretty sharpish.

Not allowing bed-sharing is fine but the way you speak to her and regarding her as a prostitute is truly horrible.

"It's all about respect" - yes, and where in this have you shown her any respect?

shineoncrazydiam0nd · 24/05/2011 20:18

Grin at trills taking it seriously

4madboys · 24/05/2011 20:40

totally unreasonable to liken your daughter to a prosititute!

not necessarily unreasonable to say that as they have only known each other for 6 wks and not seen each other much in that time? that they dont need to share a bed just yet, but be nice about it, talk about contraception and relationships etc.

fwiw my mum didnt want me sharing a room with my boyfriend when i was 19 and already pregnant!! ha ha, talk about bolting the stable door after the horse has bolted Grin 14yrs later and we are still together, so even when people do get preg at a youngish age its not the end of the world, we both still graduated from university and dp has a good job, i dont, well not a paid one i just look after the 5 kids we now have! and yes we do know what contraception is!

TrillianAstra · 24/05/2011 20:55

Just thought I'd put in my proper response, I shouldn't miss out on being trolled just because I wasn't here earlier! :o

FannyNil · 24/05/2011 21:04

Your choice of the word brothel is totally U. Did you have sex before your marriage? If you did, are you a prostitute? You are, however, reasonable to not want the guy to share your daughters bed just yet. He could sleep on the sofa or in the spare room. Explain that to her calmly. You could run the risk of alienating her - would it not be a lot worse if she announced she was going away to stay with him?

ivykaty44 · 24/05/2011 21:13

I am shocked at the amount of people that would willingly interfere with their dd's sex life and tell them how long they have to date before they can have sex Shock I have heard of helicopter parenting but I didn't know it went this far....

EggyAllenPoe · 24/05/2011 21:40

I agree with Bran.

EggyAllenPoe · 24/05/2011 21:41

I also agree with Hecate.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 24/05/2011 22:05

I agree with that poster who's name escapes me. Tethering? Tethered?

ivykaty44 · 24/05/2011 22:10

I would echo that chickenshavenoeyebrows

I would echo that chickenshavenoeyebrows

ivykaty44 · 24/05/2011 22:11

I would echo that chickenshavenoeyebrows

I would echo that chickenshavenoeyebrows

CheerfulYank · 24/05/2011 22:17

I always agree with Bran as a general rule.

suburbophobe · 24/05/2011 22:31

You're right, there's no way I would let my teenage just turned 17 daughter have a (strange) guy to stay in her bed/my house!

The couch in the living room is the furthest he would get here! (if he couldn't get back home at night).

Have you met him, or his parents?

Sad that your man is not sticking behind you!

Have you had the contraception/STD protection talk with her? I would start there anyway, if not (even if she rolls her eyes).

hairylights · 24/05/2011 23:08

Can't believe there are people proclaiming to be Christian and saying theyd throw their own child out of the house. Confused

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 25/05/2011 01:52

Rightly or wrongly, I said over my dead body

As the OP hasn't come back with an update, I'm wondering if her DH & DD have taken her words literally.

Is there a boy scout somewhere whose forthcoming weekend away will include nights tucked up in bed with his gf, and days spent bob-a-jobbing with the patio paving stones?

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 25/05/2011 02:32

Mumofaflump, the problem with your theory is that it's utter bollocks, from a historical perspective.

People have always had premarital sex. As in, the vast vast majority of people, always and everywhere. The idea of 'not before marriage' is a recent construct. It makes far more sense to establish if your partner is fertile before making a lifelong commitment, from a survival-of-the-species point of view, after all.

It's only really ever been middle/upper-class families, where virginity was considered to have a financial price upon it (dowry), where the practise was condemned and young women had their freedom curtailed to ensure their 'purity'.

iscream · 25/05/2011 02:42

Yanbu. However, perhaps you could have been a little more diplomatic in how you worded it. She may have been thinking he would sleep in her room same as past gf's have on sleepovers, not having idea's of having sex. Who knows for sure?
I would have probably told her I wanted her to help make up the couch for him, thus letting her know he was sleeping there. I would assume she knew he would not be sleeping in her room.

I assume you do not have a spare room or this conversation would not have happened?
My youngest son has had girl friends, as in friend only, sleep over in the spare room before. I see nothing wrong with it when they live far away as your daughters bf does.

whatever17 · 25/05/2011 04:55

I think it is entirely your right to put guests in your house whever you choose. If you want to put him in the shed, that is your right. But "promiscuous"? is she? has she slept with lots and lots of men? If she has, look at your parenting, it shows that she has no self worth and she is unhappy.

If he is her boyfriend and she likes him a lot and he wants to meet you and likes her a lot and she is 17 that is different.

Personally I would get to know him and get her to the docs for those implants.

AND make him sleep on the sofa.

SpeedyGonzalez · 25/05/2011 13:26

I can't believe there are Christians who are claiming to be people, who would throw their own houses at their children. Angry Appalling behaviour if you ask me.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 25/05/2011 22:54

'Is there a boy scout somewhere whose forthcoming weekend away will include nights tucked up in bed with his gf, and days spent bob-a-jobbing with the patio paving stones?'

AHAHAHAH! OP is long gone. Off to troll somewhere else hopefully!

Fecklessdizzy · 26/05/2011 00:42

Shouldn't worry about DD getting preggers, OP ... If he's a scout he'll Be Prepared ... ( I can't believe I just read through umpteen pages of this nonsense Confused I'm going to bed ... )