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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DD is promiscuous and unreasonable?

377 replies

dangerousdebbie1 · 23/05/2011 20:26

DD, been going out with boyfriend for six weeks. She only turned 17 nine days ago. DD met her boyfriend at a guiding / scouting convention and they hit it off. Unfortunately, he lives 81 miles away in Nottingham. Anyway, just had a blazing row with DH and DD as DD announces that boyfriend is coming to visit next weekend and when I asked her where she thought he would sleep, she looked at me with aghast, and said in my bed of course.

Rightly or wrongly, I said over my dead body. I told DD in no uncertain terms that this was our home and not a brothel. DH says i'm out of order and reminded me that this is 2011 and not 1951.

I have been in tears over this. Sorry, but it wouldn't matter if she was 17 or 21, she isn't married so I will not let her share a bed in my house. Am confused.

OP posts:
heymammy · 23/05/2011 20:38

flowery...that's the situation I am in with MIL. DP and I have been together 16 years but we are still not allowed to stay overnight Hmm

Malificence · 23/05/2011 20:38

Your DH is correct and you sound unhinged.
If you want to destroy your relationship with your daughter, carry on, otherwise get a grip and come to terms with the fact that she is legally able to have sex and is doing something natural and hugely enjoyable with someone she cares about.
I hope she doesn't inherit your warped views on sexuality, I pity the state of your sex life and feel a bit sorry for your DH if all your views on sex are so repressed tbh.

Shakirasma · 23/05/2011 20:39

Listeningstick you have got to be joking!

Dappylittlemomma · 23/05/2011 20:39

You could take the view that if she is planning to share a bed with the new boyfriend ?(and I wouldn't have thought you could really stop her if she wants to) it's less worrying that she is where you and DH are around. You can always have a wee chat with her about not having sex with him until she is sure she's ready- she may not have been planning to anyway (or is that a ridiculously naive thought!)

AnyFucker · 23/05/2011 20:39

gosh, you sound like a lovely mother

I wonder that your 17yo is still wanting to stay at home, tbh

if you spoke to me like that, you would get a slap round the chops a verbal assassination

usualsuspect · 23/05/2011 20:39

wind up
complete with sock puppet

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 23/05/2011 20:39

bloody hell do you want to drive your dd out of your home??

I am mumble mumble well over thirty, my parents allowed many of my (fairly short term ahem!) boyfriends to stay over, it was my home aswell as theirs, I was over 18 tho (in fact I could well have been over 20). I really respect them for that now (I have small girls so am dreadingthis stage).

To tell your dd IT WILL NEVER happen is just asking for problems further down the line. Did you never have sex outside of marriage?? How on earth can you develop a good relationship with her if you won't even meeet her halfway and discuss boundaries... if she is exepecting him to stay in her bed it would suggest that they already have some form of a sexual relationship, you're are not protecting her with an outright ban a chat about their relationship and where he can stay might be more helpful with a hint that when the relationship is a bit "older" (and you have met him)you would be happier with him in your home overnight.

Original poster
dangerousdebbie1 · 23/05/2011 20:40

Thanks Kangee, i'm afraid that is the way I think. It's all to do with respect, isn't it?

OP posts:
saidthespiderwithahorridsmile · 23/05/2011 20:40

lolol at "I would throw any of my daughters out if they tried to bring this imorrality into our home"

your dds will be making a break for it as soon as they are able, I think

who ARE you people?!?!?

AnyFucker · 23/05/2011 20:40

the sock puppets are popping up now Smile

saffy85 · 23/05/2011 20:40

I'm starting to think wind up too. Think it was the word promiscuous. WTF is promiscuous about a girl over the age of consent sharing a bed with her boyfriend? Just one boyfriend and presumably for the first time?

If it is a wind up OP should jog on. If not then I just thank fuck (no pun intended) that my mum was never so bloody horrible to me.

Although would like to point out that when I get to this stage in life with my own DC I would be mightily pissed off that they invited anyone to stay the weekend at house without consulting me first. That would rile me, especially if I'd never met the person.

Greythorne · 23/05/2011 20:41

I think you are totally within the norms to be shocked and surprised that your 17yo is having a sexual relationship.

But you are way off the mark to say she is promiscuous and to suggest she will be turning your home into a brothel. That's not only inaccurate, it is also mean and nasty.

I suggest a calm chat with your DD, focusing on:

  • monogamy
  • sexual health (STDs)
  • pregnancy avoidance
  • respect for your rules in your home

Stay calm and remove all mentions of brothels!

Malificence · 23/05/2011 20:42

How about having respect for your daughter and her ability to make her own choices in life?

kaid100 · 23/05/2011 20:42

A 17-year old sharing a bed with her boyfriend would not be considered promiscuous, promiscuity implies sleeping with lots of men. While it is your rules under your roof, I think that talking about this in the way you have will make you something similar to a Wicked Stepmother, and your bewildered daughter will run off with her Prince Charming and you won't have any say about what happens to her. She's reached an age where she can make her own mistakes, but you need to stay civil with her so that when she realised she's made a mistake it's you she turns to for advice.

flowery · 23/05/2011 20:42

"It's all to do with respect, isn't it?"

You are not showing your poor DD any respect speaking to her the way you have. Fine refuse her request politely if you feel that way, and come to a compromise with the sofa or whatever, but if you expect her to respect you you need to show respect to her as well.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 23/05/2011 20:42

She is 17. Legally entitled to have sex with whoever she likes. She isn't promiscuous, she is a normal seventeen year old. You mentioned the word brothel, you called your own daughter a prostitute! Shock I think you need to get a grip. Tell her that you would rather they didn't have sex in your house, say he needs to sleep on the sofa. But FGS don't accuse her of that, just because she has a boyfriend!

GypsyMoth · 23/05/2011 20:43

respect??

and yet you speak about your dd in that tone??

ivykaty44 · 23/05/2011 20:43

exit stage left - with socks over frilly knickers Grin

JamieAgain · 23/05/2011 20:44

IME, sleeping under my parents roof is, and never has been (even at 17) much of a turn-on, anyway

lubeybooby · 23/05/2011 20:45

What ILoveTIFFANY said!

and will add... YABVVVVVhorriblyVVVU

Greythorne · 23/05/2011 20:47

Sorry
I didn't realise it was a windup
Ignore all the sensible advice above, OP, and just send in the sock puppets

Ephiny · 23/05/2011 20:47

What an awful thing to say - you basically called her a whore for wanting to share her bed with her boyfriend. My parents have always been similar - I'm 30 and have been with DP for over 10 years, but they still treat our relationship as some shameful, embarrassing thing because we haven't got married. He has still never been invited to stay over, if I visit for Christmas or something, I have to go on my own. I have no idea what will happen when we have children, if they'll only be allowed to visit if their dad stays at home Hmm.

I agree with others that it's your house, so you get to decide who can stay over. But take it from me, this sort of attitude is not going to do any good for the future of your relationship with your DD.

Malificence · 23/05/2011 20:47

I'm begining to think that all these new names on MN ( all ending with numbers coincidentally) are trolls from a large and well known military forum, they've been talking about invading mumsnet for a week or so now. Wink
There do seem to be a lot of weird threads floating around and it's not half term yet, is it?

Original poster
dangerousdebbie1 · 23/05/2011 20:48

mumblechum1

My God. I really mean this. Isn't it very sad when I disaprove of a young girl, only just turned 17, in a relationship for five minutes and people on here wondwer if this is a wind up. I could cry.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 23/05/2011 20:49

I've thought for a while theres been some odd threads on MN

any way ,troll fail on this one

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