Am sick to fucking death of my theiving fucking kids AIBU to keep them in indefinitely

[shinyshoes]

For months now money have been missing from my purse.

I decided to not keep any cash on me whatsoever, this became difficult when I was out and needed a drink as was paying for a can of drink on the debit card and was embarresed.

Both my elder children deny taking it.

They are given the best trainers, the best clothes, the newest Xbox games, treats , they ant for nothing.

One of us is alwways at home, we both work but make sure it works out one parent is always at home with them, so it's not for attention.

I had to draw out money as I have my ironing sent out and pay by cash when it gets redelivered. Plus the window cleaner has been this eek so I needed cash to pay him.

I hide my purse regularly and often carry it around the house with me.

Unfortunately last night I left it downstairs, waking up in a panic I retrieved it and counted the money. It was all there. I left it on the bed came downstairs again forgetting to bring it down and now a £5.00 is missing a £1.00 coin is missing and bits of loose change.

Of course the kids haven't touched my purse

I'm fucking sick to the back teeth of this. I'm at my wits end and so bloody angry.

AIBU to just keep the kids in until one of them owns up

My DS1 has gone sailing but can't definitley rule him out.
My DS2 is upstairs under much protest tidying his pigsty of a room

My DD is 3 and normally tells me if she's touched the money to play 'shops' she says she hasn't touched it.

This is going on pretty much everytime my purse is left unattended

I told my mum I had tried smoking but didn't like it to throw her off the scent and it did. As I said before, DS1 is pinching money for either fags, cider or other harmful substances. I know the signs...I did it! Don't forget he's been away sailing, perhaps he was nominated to bring contraband.

It's not your kids, it's you.
Children stealing from their parents are trying to fill a hungry hole. They need YOU, but if they can't have you they'll have your money instead. especially if that's how you have expressed your affection.

Instead of cultivating a connection with their children, many parents substitute with "stuff".
What is your deepest need? We all long to have someone who finds us delightful and is tnrilled to spend time with us.
Children are no different.

X box games and gadgets say "here, go and play with that and give me some peace and quiet".
It's cheap actually. It costs far more in real terms to go for roly polys down the grassy banks during the day. Or to play monoploy in the evening when you'd rather be online or infront of the tv. Invest time and affection in your children now. learn how to find them delightful again.
Be hurt, not angry, that they have stolen from you.

Are you thrilled to bits that you have these children?
Have you forgotten how you felt when you first held them and they were full of hope and promise?
Did they get a bit tiring and noisy and overwhelming?

I think you need to start again.
Simplify.
Start by forgiving your children. Actually, it's not their fault anyway.
Just forgive them. No strings attached, no recriminations.
Stop buying stuff.
If you have enough money consider giving up work, or cutting down your hours.
Be more frugal with money and much much more extravagant with your time and attention.
Tell your children that nothing is worth more to you than they are.

Start doing things together. Avoid ever finding ways of palming your children off, or getting them to leave you alone.
If you need to mow the lawn, do it with them.
If you are mopping the floor, give them a swiffer and a spray bottle and get them to help you.
If you are chopping carrots, do it with them.
Ask them to tell you something funny every day, a new joke, a silly song, a story.
Laugh.
See them as the most fascinating people in the whole world. More intriguing and interesting, attractive and funny than any celeb.
Remember the power of a kind face. Smile at them when you look at them.
Slowly you will rediscover how delightful your children are.
Nothing matters more .

Cushie, these kids are 14 and 10, not 4 and 2. They are both criminally responsible in the eyes of British law. The time for monopoly and carrot chopping was eight years ago, when they were still small and still saught her regard. It's too late now, they have fallen into a pit of disrespect, and the respect needs to be applied fairly bloody forcefully onto young people who don't already have it to start with.

Colditz, I think Cushie has a point.

My 9yr old steals and won't behave and I do all those things with her, so I've called in SS for help, but when I was a teen, though I didn't steal, I demanded all kinds of things-expensive clothes, shoes, make up, magazines, money to go out. It was never enough. Sure I was spoiled, but I had learned I'd get anything I wanted pretty much if I went away.
What I really wanted was what my friends had-Parents who spent time with them, watched TV together, prepared dinner, cut the grass, played Monopoly.

It's easy to get into the habit of wanting them to go away, particularly when they're being awful, I know, I do it, but I think it's the wrong thing to do and am trying to break that cycle.

Do you just hand them their pocket money? I always had to help around the house for any pocket money I was given.
I dont see there is anything wrong with giving your kids the things they want. If you have the money then why not spend it.
But thats where birthdays and xmas come in handy!

Keep in mind tho that getting one of them to own up to who stole the money is a totally different issue to teaching them the value of money. Deal with the stealing issue first then lay down some ground rules of how its going to work from now on. And stick to them.

Cushie's post is brilliant. Colditz also has a point that it's a bit late but not too late!

Just read your post. I posted one very similar on the same day! Having same sort of problem, except it can't be my other ds as he was out all day. I'm sure my 16 yr old took a tenner - I semi accused him. Then later in the day another £20 went missing. I couldn't believe it. Dh back from trip today so we will discuss it together with him tonight. I'm actually at a complete loss as to how to tackle it. I still can't prove it unfortunately but I've had suspicions for a long time. Totally devasted at his lack of morals. How could he think it's OK? Feeling slightly sick and very sad.

Cushie
I Think you are being a bit idealistic...either that or we have a Stepford wife posting. These days it's all hands to the pump. Both parents working, trying to raise children, keep a roof overhead and food on the table. Yes we would all like to spend more time with the DC and do things together. If there were 48 hours to the day and ten days to the week it would probably be possible. I waited 13 years for my DD and every moment is precious but sadly. in this world I simply cannot have the time I would like to spend with her. Stop being so patronising, I'm sure Shoes, like the rest of us is doing the very best she can.

apprenticemum
Funny, I didn't realise we were meant to whisper sweet nothings to the OP and tell her what a fantastic job she was doing, and that it's all the fault of her horrible fecking thieving kids.

What do you mean "these days" it's all hands to the pump?
When was it any different? Come off it, this is the "me time" generation.

If you're busy, be busy WITH your children, and keep them busy with you.
Don't palm them off with gadget electronica and designer clothes.
I'm a mother of six, ages 1 to 21 and I had to Google "Superdry". If my children asked me for designer clothes I'd laugh so hard my pelvic floor might give way.
Nothing screams "socially insecure" like labels.
What's wrong with H&M for goodness sake?

"I'm sure Shoes, like the rest of us is doing the very best she can."

And that's a widely repeated lie isn't it? We are all meant to nod our heads in agreement. Yes, we're all doing the "VERY BEST WE CAN".
Actually, no. Hardly any of us are .
I know I'm not. If I was, I wouldn't be wasting my time online.

If they "want for nothing" then there's your answer...they are spoiled and need to learn they cant have everything they want. Start saying the word "No" and sticking to it!

Cushie you are so right...if I was doing the best I can I would be doing the contracts/accounts at work rather than replying on this thread......back on the case now!

Three posts here stand out for me colditz, cushie & Netto

Love the idea of police visit - would make you all realise how serious stealing is, surely if they steal from you and you lock everything away they may start stealing elsewhere. Can't believe they nicked dinner money, I would've made them go without - at least for one day.

Cushie and netto are right though - we all need to spend more time with our children doing important fun family things.
My DD is much nicer to be around when she is doing constructive stuff at home, laying the table, making breakfast, putting things away, helping in the garden when. Gives her a sense of self pride and makes her know she is a useful member of her family.

Actually cushie am going to print out your post and stick it on the fridge.
Thanks for that.

i used to use my dinner money for phone credit to call my boyfriend because he was the only source of affection i had. my parents and i hated each other, i stole from them because i had no respect for them and wanted them to know.
i remember giving my mother one last chance i went into the garden and gave her a hug, she didnt move, wouldnt hug me back or put her arms round me. ive never tried since.

you need to sort this out.

I think you've created a probelm with an odd mix of giving them too much stuff and too little independance with money.

I'm 27 and was getting more pocket money than your ds1 at 14, and I was by no means spoilt. My parents went to great lengths to avoid that.

I was around 14 when my dad and I renegotiated my pocket money as I was finding it hard to stretch my weekly fiver as I went to the cinema most weeks with friends, which left me no change to save towards anything. So my dad offered me a choice; 10 quid a week or 60 quid a month. If I chose the tenner I'd have cash more often so less of a stretch without if i spent it all. If i chose the monthly I'd have to be cautious with it and make sure it lasted but I'd have more in one go. I chose the 60 and made it last.

I was expected to buy trendy, unnecessary clothes for myself and my parents supplied essentials and bought trendy stuff as presents for Christmas and birthdays. Once I had a phone I had to buy my own credit too.

This is going to sound harsh - but I think it's time people realised what it means to 'spoil' a child. It's not a slightly naughty over-loving and over-indulgence: it is spoiling them. They are being spoiled. They characters are being affected by the way they are treated, just as surely and certainly as a child's character would be shaped by not having things.

I hope you get it sorted OP. Lots of good advice here.

Cushie
I never "PALM" my DD off on anyone. However, as I am self employed and run my own small business, I have to either work from home or take her with me during the holidays, not ideal but at least she gets to see how hard I need to graft for the money that comes in. I am always at home when she finishes school (but I don't have a ginghan apron). We do lots of things together but she is a girl and enjoys many of the same interests as me. However if, like Shoes I had two boys, I would struggle to find a miriad of activities to share with them since sport and very active stuff is out (my knees are shot) and with this recession, and the ticket price to watch sport, this would not be an option. I have 7 nephews and am very much aware of their recreational preferences which quite frankly they would rather do with their mates than with their relatives or god forbid, mum. As for expensive gifts. My DD (age11) seldom asks for expensive xmas or birthday gifts and gets only trinkets at intervals. The only expensive or as you would think brash gift she got was when she passed her eleven plus high enough for entry into both the (Uk top 20) local grammar schools and earned a music scolarship into the school she wanted. As an average student in her present school I figured she earned that one!

That's a lot of information about you and your daughter there apprenticemum.
But this isn't about you is it?

"I never "PALM" my DD off on anyone"
Did I say, or even hint, that you did?

And when I was talking about "palming off" I was clearly talking about giving tham things to avoid having to interact with them.
(I didn't address palming them off on other people, because
that doesn't seem to be the issue here)

Very nice that you run your own business,
she sees your graft,
you're always there when she gets home ( the lack of gingham apron is relevant how?)
you do lots of things together,
she rarely asks for or gets pricey gifts,
except for the one she got when she got into a (uk top 20!) local grammar school
AND a music scholarship.
Congratulations.

So you're telling me this why exactly?

Not sure if someone has said this already but I'd be worried about what this money was being used for. If they are given pocket money & you buy everything for them then what could they need the money for.

My brother started out stealing from my parents, then me & then it turned out he'd been stealing from his friends parents when at their houses. He was given £40 a month pocket money & my parents bought clothes, treats etc. This went on from when he was 12 to when he left home at 17, my parents never really dealt with it properly. He was stealing money to pay for cigarettes at first and then to pay for weed & then harder drugs.

I'm not saying yours are doing this but it is worth bearing in mind when you find out who it is you need to get to the bottom of why they are doing it and not just punish the behaviour.

Cushie
I'm telling you that not everyone is Earth Mother and able to do everything for the DC and yes, because other things like working have to take priority some of us feel incrediby guilty that perhaps DC dont get enough of our time as we would like. The temptation to try and ease the guilt and make DC happy is great however, I was trying to point out that you can buy DC expensive gifts on occasion without spoiling them. As I mentioned, you don't consider that the DS's might not want to include Mum in activities now as the are reaching independant ages. In fact you don't consider anyones lifestyle other than your own.
So what I'm telling you is; cut shoes some slack. She sees the error of her ways but now needs some realistic help to deal with the situation, not a sermon on how she should have done things years ago.

"In fact you don't consider anyones lifestyle other than your own."
LOL! We've only just "met". How would you know?
You're excessively touchy.

"So what I'm telling you is; cut shoes some slack. She sees the error of her ways but now needs some realistic help to deal with the situation, not a sermon on how she should have done things years ago."

Realistic help is what I'm giving her. You have your perspective, I have mine.
I completely disagree with your point that they may not WANT to do things with her. Running a household is everyones business, not just mummys.
Whether we "want" to wash the dishes and mow the lawn is neither here nor there.
A family can work like a team. Why should mummy and daddy do all the donkey work while DCs play Nintendo in a darkened room because housework is boring?

"not everyone is Earth Mother and able to do everything for the DC"
I've clearly touched a nerve. "Doing everything for them" is precisely what I am saying NOT to do.
With six children I have learned that I simply can't. I NEED them to help me. And I found that when we all pull together everyone is happier.

Oh and by the way, you have one daughter.
I have four sons. Ages 21 to 8 years.
I think in terms of real life experience on the ground, my advice trumps yours.

They rake the lawn, empty the dishwasher, bath the baby, peel the carrots and stir the soup . They help me in ways too innumerable to list.
I've never asked them whether they "wanted" to, or if they found it "interesting".

It never occured to me that because they were boys that they should be required to pull their weight.

Can't seem to edit posts here.
Obviously I meant to type:
"It never occured to me that because they were boys they NOT should be required to pull their weight."

set a trap. discreat video camera on shelf. money left on table in room with all three children moving around.

what are they buying and are they stealing from anyone else?

best make them earn those trainers, pocket money etc. with draw items if they steal.

we live on a shoe string and my kids even have to have second hand shoes. they earn about 10p a day pocket money for various jobs.