Am sick to fucking death of my theiving fucking kids AIBU to keep them in indefinitely

[shinyshoes]

For months now money have been missing from my purse.

I decided to not keep any cash on me whatsoever, this became difficult when I was out and needed a drink as was paying for a can of drink on the debit card and was embarresed.

Both my elder children deny taking it.

They are given the best trainers, the best clothes, the newest Xbox games, treats , they ant for nothing.

One of us is alwways at home, we both work but make sure it works out one parent is always at home with them, so it's not for attention.

I had to draw out money as I have my ironing sent out and pay by cash when it gets redelivered. Plus the window cleaner has been this eek so I needed cash to pay him.

I hide my purse regularly and often carry it around the house with me.

Unfortunately last night I left it downstairs, waking up in a panic I retrieved it and counted the money. It was all there. I left it on the bed came downstairs again forgetting to bring it down and now a £5.00 is missing a £1.00 coin is missing and bits of loose change.

Of course the kids haven't touched my purse

I'm fucking sick to the back teeth of this. I'm at my wits end and so bloody angry.

AIBU to just keep the kids in until one of them owns up

My DS1 has gone sailing but can't definitley rule him out.
My DS2 is upstairs under much protest tidying his pigsty of a room

My DD is 3 and normally tells me if she's touched the money to play 'shops' she says she hasn't touched it.

This is going on pretty much everytime my purse is left unattended

I think op is getting a hard time here for providing what is within her means for her children, many families are well off enough to afford this luxury many are not, but I think it is just nieve to say that will produce thieves.

Many children steal from their parents and I would say at 10 your son is the most probable culprit by taking noticeable amounts, IMHO at 14 your other son knows the value of money far better and is likely to steal smaller amounts over longer periods of time.

I would now sit ds1 down and tell him he must tell you where ds2s stash is or you will get ds down and tell him ds1 has told you about the staff and between the both of them you expect the truth or the four of you all will be sitting up at this kitchen table until the truth comes out. Keep them thier untill they are hanging for sleep, let them go bed way after midnight but no ones leaves the table and wake them up 6am sunday and they get back to the table and you and dh do shifts between the table and caring for dd. I would continue this all week if need be only leaving the table for school and bed. One of them will crack they wont be able to keep it up as long as you guys cam.

If he shows you where the stash is ds1 is no longer involved and ds2 need not know he told you just happen to stumble across it and confront him.

A reasonable punishment would be chores chores chores for a long time, still give him pocket money but dont buy him any added extras wether that be a t shirt bag or a drink crisps or pocket money, continue to buy for the others so that he sees he is missing out.

Cry and be so very disappointed that he could do this to you, discuss consequences of stealing off other people who would be within their rights to call the police and over 10 year olds can be arrested, cautioned and or charged, tell him how horrid a police cell is, etc, ham it up big time.

should be drink crisps on top of pocket money

Do your kids go out much with friends etc op? Would it be possible that whoever is stealing might be doing it to fund activities they may do with friends/transport back from friends houses and nothing more sinister?

I know that sounds a bit lame (and certainly doesn't excuse it) but when I was in my early teens I stole from my parents for that very reason so I guess its possible.

Im ashamed of it, but as far as I was concerned at the time my parents were loaded (they were), I lived miles away from my friends (we lived above my parents' business in a town), I was bored and lonely.

On a brighter note, it didn't turn me into a criminal...in fact i'm possibly more honest than I should be at times and my mum trusts me completely, thank fook.

Have you looked for said stash? Checked back of drawers, things taped to undersides of furniture...inside speakers was a favourite hiding place for my stash too. You've had some great advice but I know if it was me (a big softy), i'd feel so bad about punishing both I would be sneakily finding out who was actually responsible for the theft. Videocam, webcam etc? Then punishment as suggested on this thread?

Sorry haven't read the whole thread. I think it's unfair to punish both as one may be innocent. what I would do is put a little bit of ink on one side of a coin(s) and leave coins laying around (obviously leave coins on a plate or something ink side down) whoever nicks it should have ink stained fingers. Just an idea :)

It sounds to me as though your DS is very worried that the x box is going to be taken away from them. I agree that you should take it away from the house and tell your DSs that they'll get it back when you get to the bottom of what has happened. And that should include all the missing money being accounted for. If they have spent it, they should be able to tell you exactly what they spent it on.

I disagree with selling any of their posessions at present. You don't know which kid has been stealing. My Mum often punished both my sister and I when only one of us had been naughty and I can still remember how angry that made me feel when I was innocent. If she'd sold anything that had belonged to me for something my sister had done I would have been absolutely furious with her. If you ended up feeling that you had to replace the innocent party's possessions it could cost you more money in the long run.

I've read a lot of the thread (but not all).

I stole from my parents as a child... not sure why, I think it was just because it was there and I could. When my parents found out they sat down with me and calmly asked if I thought I was getting enough pocket money (we were quite poor in relation to my friends' parents so I was getting less than most of my peers). I was so shocked by their reasonable stance that I think I said I was happy with the amount. They doubled my pocket money anyway and said they hoped that the raise would take away the temptation to "steal". I don't think I have ever felt so humbled and ashamed.... I was about 13.

TheFrogs, Yeah DS1 has a great social life to the point when the phone rings we tell him to get it as it's generally for him.

Ds2 not so much, he has my cousins child as a social frind and 1 or 2 frinds locally but he is not great socially and tends to piss people off easily. (I suppose I'm like that)

TomhardyismyDH , that's certainly a different and interesting angle. I didnt think to look under things lol. I am actually quite taken aback that a child could be that sneaky

sc97. No it was deffo one of the children . e had an attempted break in about 2 weeks ago and I'm so security conscious

Jaffacake. I don't want to sell it but I don't want them seeing me as an easy touch anymore

Mumakaz that's a great idea. I have thought about other posters that have mentioned webcams but e have a laptop and a webcam would be too obvious for a techy 14 year old

Duckdodgers I laughed out loud at your story but there is no way on gods green earth either of mine would do Avon. I have done it but I had trouble getting ds2 to read to me this afternoon. He still hasn't

I suspect it is probably DS1. Kids generally get artfull when they are in the teens and things like smoking etc start and they want money but can't ask because they will be questiond about what it is for.
If you can prove this, might I suggest you put his beloved trainers on ebay and get him a cheap crappy pair out of part of the proceeds. I know it's cutting your nose off to spite your face but actions have consequences and he has to learn that, the hard way if necessary.

Step 1: discuss with dh. Agree exactly between you what each child should get as allowance, toiletries, phone credit etc. Agree what the rules are especially about helping themselves to what they find around the house. (If they find money down the back of the sofa can they keep it? Are you happy that they help themselves to sweets and fizzy drinks? Agree what punishments will happen as a result of theft, rudeness, disobedience etc. Decide what you will allow or remove. X box could be a reward to be earned back

(E.g. My ds 14 gets £20 a month plus I buy him a basic wardrobe of non label clothes and equipment as needed. He contributes a token part of his £20 to a phone contract (£3). Any sweets, treats, gadgets, fashion items or outings with friends he pays for himself. He does a paper round and picks up extra work in the holdays delivering leaflets)

Step 2 Family conference: Calmly everybody sits down including dh and dd. You explain the changes you are going to make. Keep calm. Explain you think the previous 'system' is making them not very nice spoilt people and you love them enough to want to change that. Stay calm.Tell them exactly what they will get or need to earn themselves. Explain the rules about theft very very clearly and carefully. Still be calm.

Step 2 b: Allow each dc their turn to say what they think about the new rules and to suggest their own ideas. Listen and respond fairly. If they make a good point be prepared to renegotiate the rules fairly. Do NOT get dragged into a row. Just repeat that you know it will be a big change but it's necessary and you are not going to change your mind.

Step 3. Implement firmly and fairly and stick to it.

Step 4. keep calm and keep loving them!

Shiny I can piss people off without trying!

Re stash: I would look everywhere if I were you! I hid stuff all over the place...I would cut the middle out of books, lift floorboards, behind pictures, top of curtain rail, in speakers, taped to underside of drawers, in the loft, behind mirrors, underneath bathroom/kitchen kick boards...I was a sneaky little git!

My family (DP + 3DC) went from very poor to not bad to quite ok and comfortable, and it was hard for me to say no to requests when I knew that we could actually afford it. And it was a treat for us all to be able to afford things.

This year, I have found ways to resolve it. We wanted a new telly, so I said that we would have to live on half our usual food money for 15 days to pay for it. And we had a calendar to mark off the days. The kids were great and thought up meals with the odd mixture of food in the cupboards so that we could afford the telly. It worked. The we were going on holiday and so (having no ability to save money myself, and not wanting to pass this inadequacy to the kids, ) I told them that whatever they saved for the holiday, I would double it. They really took a lot of care, then, and did extra chores around the house to save money. In truth, on holday, they spent their enhanced money on things I would otherwise have bought for the, but didn't really realise it. They also now question whether an item is worth X pounds of their hard-earned cash. It is very interesting and quite effective so far.

( I used to steal money off my mum when I was young, and got a good smacking for it. That stopped me.)

whodunnit that's fantastic. I will try that next time we book a holiday. I need tham to appreciate money. This is a great way

try it they wont last the day out tomorrow with out a confession, believe me.

my mum used to do this with the aid of lying powder that turned your tongue black albeit when we where younger than your dcs, so a confession or a very fidgety guilty looking dc. she carried on with the all siting around the table, she would leave briefly to earwig from the other room at the conversations from time to time.

But generally it would be a few hours and someone would own up. or a spokes person would be sent to say mum X said to tell you it was them.

Shiny, we are going through something similar at the moment with DS1 who will be 14 next month.

I found money missing out of my purse too - I know it was missing and not me spending it because I hardly ever carry money, I use my debit card and then I have to think twice about making the purchase. This particular day I gave a £10 note to the assistant in the shop, my change was £9.45 (a note, four pound coins and some silver). The next morning DS2 needed a £1 for non-uniform day, I got my purse and found only the £5 note - all the change had gone. I turned my bag inside out - nothing. I told the pair of them they were grounded until they owned up. 10 mins later DS1 said he had found the change in the bottom of my bag and I had not looked properly . I know the odd pound here and there has gone too. I either hide my bag now or keep it with me.

Funnily enough my parents and I were discussing this very subject yesterday. My mum thinks I need to give the boys a raise. She thinks that £5 a week is actually not a lot for a teen who is nearly £14. She has suggested that he gets £10 but only £5 in the hand and the other £5 into a savings account where his pocket money currently goes - he then saves this and buys cd's/dvd's. DS2 gets £3 a week and his too goes into a little savings account then he usually buys a train or wharhammer when he has saved enough.

My boys never go without either - all their clothes are bought and they wear Superdry etc, all toiletries are bought for them, they do jobs like the dishwasher though to earn top-up money for their phones - so basically they pay for nothing.

I work in a school and was chatting to a parent about how much her son gets - he is 15. She said he gets £20 a week pocket money and £20 paper round money. Also if he washes one of their cars he will get £20 too. She also pays for phone, clothes, toiletries. I said I don't spend £20 a week on myself so I won't be giving DS1 that. She said I was out of touch!!!

I used to nick money out of my mum's purse when I was about the same age as your DS1, OP.

I needed it because I wanted to buy cigarettes

I was a right old entitled little madam when I was younger, but the truth is that I had a smoking habit and needed to steal money to fund it.

My money (:o) is on your eldest being the culprit.

PS: I have matured into a very respectable, well educated, law abiding citizen, so it doesn't necessarily mean you're raising delinquents. (Just cheeky buggers!)

Seriously Coffee? My teenaged children get £10 a month pocket money, plus their age in pounds per month as a clothing allowance for non-essential items (I buy school uniform, underwear, footwear and socks, school supplies like pens and bus fares and they have packed lunches). The most they will ever get is £27/month (the arrangement ends at 18). They have NEVER found it to be too little- they just budget for things. It gives them enough per month to be able to go out to the cinema or for a milkshake with friends, but not so much that they don't have to think carefully about impulse purchases or squander it instantly on things they don't want. They ask for special things like Super-dry trackies for their birthday. My daughter had to save up for 3 years (pocket and birthday money) to buy her ipod and she values it all the more for it. She wants to do BSES in a couple of years' time and has got a little job to begin to raise the money. As it's £4000 I expect that at some point we will help her out, but it's very important that she feels she's being proactive in funding it.

They have never griped about the low amount of pocket money they get. Average pocket among their friends ranges from nothing to £150+ a month. Their opinion is that anything over £50/month is crazy and unnecessary. The friends with the most money also seem to waste the most.

They want for nothing materially but have somehow learned the value of things. To them, £5 is a lot of money. They have NEVER stolen from me. They will put any money they find lying around into the tin in the kitchen, not their pockets. It's about moral values, not amounts of pocket money.

£20 for washing 1 car?? You can get it done for £5 with wax round these parts. Unless that kid is also doing inside the car. Otherwise he is being way overpaid for that job and getting entirely the wrong idea about economics and the bank of mum and dad. They should get the same rate for the job as you would pay an external person.

OP I'm astounded.

How is their behaviour generally? What are the sanctions for bad behaviour? Do you follow through?

My 17 year old gets £30 a month and the 14 year old £20.I buy all the 14 year olds clothes so his is just pocket money really.The 17 year old;I pay for big things eg shoes and clothes for school( he has to wear suit and tie)he buys extra plus pays for nights out etc.If he needs extra he will sometimes ask and if it is reasonable I will give him some extra.He manages OK so usually if he asks there is a good reason

I stole a bit as a teen but we were poor and i had nothing,i stole for things i maybe should have been allowed ie-skin care when got spotty or a fair ride when the fair was in town and ll the other kids had money,i felt bad tho.
I later had a teen thief of my very own but he stole for fags and eventually weed I remember phoning parentline and te critisised me for my lack of trust he had pretty much cleaned us out at this point,sodl all dh power tools etc, I tried everything and he was given money for things he wanted to do,eventually he stole as managed to cash a cheque for 200 pound from me. I decided enough was enough and he went to live alone,he was 18. He did come back eventually but i told him if he stole anything he'd be back out,he didnt. Looking back i think maybe a regular,earned amount of pocket money may have helped thngs. Its a horrible situation tho.

You can get mininsecurity cameras that you can hide. I don't think they are that expensive. I saw a program about surveillance type gadgets a while ago. Why don't you get something and have it set up to monitor wherever you leave your purse?

It sounds like they need to realise that money isn't limitless. I don't think locks is the answer - who wants to live like that? But you could have a proper 'no blame' meeting about how upsetting it is that you can't trust them ( as well as how much trouble they would get into if they keep doing this). Ask them to agree to a list of chores they will do as I bet they take all the housework for granted too
My DS (9) now gets £5 a week but this gets written in a book. It used to be £1.50 but this just got frittered on nothing. There are things he wants to save for ( new fish tank, nerf gun...) so this way they are achievable if he saves up. BTW he also has a £20 debt to pay off as he was playing on the computer with a friend and they bought 'game credits' on my itunes account. He is now responsible for paying this money back with his pocket money or doing jobs. Oh yes and £2 interest is going to be added if he hasn't paid it off by end of May!

A tough lesson, but surprisingly no arguing as he could see it was fair.