Am sick to fucking death of my theiving fucking kids AIBU to keep them in indefinitely

[shinyshoes]

For months now money have been missing from my purse.

I decided to not keep any cash on me whatsoever, this became difficult when I was out and needed a drink as was paying for a can of drink on the debit card and was embarresed.

Both my elder children deny taking it.

They are given the best trainers, the best clothes, the newest Xbox games, treats , they ant for nothing.

One of us is alwways at home, we both work but make sure it works out one parent is always at home with them, so it's not for attention.

I had to draw out money as I have my ironing sent out and pay by cash when it gets redelivered. Plus the window cleaner has been this eek so I needed cash to pay him.

I hide my purse regularly and often carry it around the house with me.

Unfortunately last night I left it downstairs, waking up in a panic I retrieved it and counted the money. It was all there. I left it on the bed came downstairs again forgetting to bring it down and now a £5.00 is missing a £1.00 coin is missing and bits of loose change.

Of course the kids haven't touched my purse

I'm fucking sick to the back teeth of this. I'm at my wits end and so bloody angry.

AIBU to just keep the kids in until one of them owns up

My DS1 has gone sailing but can't definitley rule him out.
My DS2 is upstairs under much protest tidying his pigsty of a room

My DD is 3 and normally tells me if she's touched the money to play 'shops' she says she hasn't touched it.

This is going on pretty much everytime my purse is left unattended

Yes you need to take xbox games or whatever and sell them to recoup your money.

Every time money goes missing sell something of theirs.

They get pocket money though as I've explained it had to be stopped due to all the envelopes of dinner money going missing.

DS1 gets £5.00 a week, I buy any clothes, toiletries he needs and
DS2 gets £2.50 a week, he is 10

I always have sweets, chocs and fizzy drinks available to them so they don't really need to buy these

yanbu to punish them if you think you are teaching a lesson.

yet, will you be following this through. they sound spoilt.

I would say that there's obviously been a burglary and that you are calling the police.

Is there anything that the community police could do? It's not unlikely that they will move on to other people if they're not stopped now.

By the way, do you ever notice one of them spending more than they need?

Putting my detective hat on, I'd say it was your son who went sailing who took some money before he went away, given that you'd stopped his pocket money.

i think you should give them more tbh. sounds like you can afford it.

Stop buying them everything. Tell them you are not going to continue buying everything and they have to earn money so you can either give it to them to save or if it's something really big you will buy it when they have done whatever it is you want them to do for X time.

Tell them if money continues to go missing you will take their stuff and sell it get the money back.

Hmm, I'm not sure that grounding and stopping pocket money really has much impact, especially if you are still buying stuff for them. I agree that removing some of their luxuries until they earn your trust again might be worth considering. Especially trendy clothes, new trainers, mobile phones, Xboxes - anything that would give them kudos with their mates. They can then earn the right to have them back over time by being trustworthy, doing jobs round the house etc.

Shinyshooes - not wanting to have a go but they do sound like they get an awful lot of things, more so than a lot of teenagers. Could this be part of the problem?

I agree with the selling of their stuff each time money goes missing. You shouldn't have to lock things away. They have to learn that stealing will not be tolerated. Locking stuff away will just present them with a challenge.

Sell the Superdry and Nike stuff. Replace from Primark. No more expensive stuff until they appreciate these are treats, not rights?

They have no concept of money as they get all they want.

I stole from my mother when I was about 10 or 11. She called the police who frightened the life out of me. Never did it again.

You are destroying them with all this stuff. Can't you be tough on them??

Try buying them less. Make them earn their own money if they are old enough for a part time job. Withdraw all privileges until the money is returned. And keep your purse locked up.

Harsh but very fair.

Go and talk to the police. Explain to a nice middle aged sergeant that you want two burly police officers to come to your house and scare the living shit out of your sons. burly police officers can ham this sort of thing up nicely, and as my dad (middle aged sergeant) says, better to pretend to be serious to put the shitters up a basically nice teen than to have to be serious two years later when not-nice-any-more teen has just shoplifted a till.

We had to pull our weight around the house growing up (my mum was a working single parent of 3) and in return we got a small allowance which we had to save if we wanted nice trainers not cheapo ones.

You realise what you have created OP as you say, and it sounds like you would have your DP's backing in making some changes.

"I know I have to stop but it's difficult".
Well, to be honest you may know what you've created, but you don't seem to be that bothered about dealing with it. In spite of the stealing you went ahead and brought expensive designer gear for DS1, what on earth were you thinking of?
DS1 is grounded but you've let him go sailing, having come up with all sorts of excuses to justify that. When my Dad used to ground me that was it, I was grounded. If it caused problems for others then I just had to deal with the consequences and embarrasment myself. You've stopped their pocket money so they just steal to compensate for that, and anyway, who needs pocket money when Mum just dips into the household budget whenever you fancy a flash pair of trainers? You're only applying sanctions in a half-hearted way, so you are continuing the message that they can get away with murder.
I think you need to sit down with your husband and agree a strategy for dealing with this, then be prepared to implement it consistently and without wavering, backing each other up whenever required. I think the strategy is down to you as parents, but I for one would certainly stop just giving them anything they fancy. Let the next pair of trainers be earnt. If you need to put a lock on your bedroom door to protect your money then do it, and you and DH never let your keys away from your person.

They have no concept of money whatsoever often saying 'but it's only a few hundred quid'. That shocks me when they say that and makes me realise what I've created

You have spoiled them rotten and now are living with the consequences, it's up to you to turn this round OP.

I would remove their X-Boxes/Games/whatever, and sell them on Ebay till I had recovered the cost of what they stole.

You need to show them you aren't standing for this anymore, no offence but it all seems a little half-hearted. And as for the sailing trip, paid for or not if he was mine he wouldn't have gone.

Another thing to consider when you give pocket money but also provide all drinks, sweets, designer instead of basic clothing, in fact make sure they don't want for anything... what do they spend their pocket money on?

I agree DeidreBarlow

Bloody hell. Those trainers would be on eBay by now, so would the x box etc until the money was recouped. They are walking all over you and you're letting them.

And what do they actually have to save up for - so they learn the value of money?