Am sick to fucking death of my theiving fucking kids AIBU to keep them in indefinitely

[shinyshoes]

For months now money have been missing from my purse.

I decided to not keep any cash on me whatsoever, this became difficult when I was out and needed a drink as was paying for a can of drink on the debit card and was embarresed.

Both my elder children deny taking it.

They are given the best trainers, the best clothes, the newest Xbox games, treats , they ant for nothing.

One of us is alwways at home, we both work but make sure it works out one parent is always at home with them, so it's not for attention.

I had to draw out money as I have my ironing sent out and pay by cash when it gets redelivered. Plus the window cleaner has been this eek so I needed cash to pay him.

I hide my purse regularly and often carry it around the house with me.

Unfortunately last night I left it downstairs, waking up in a panic I retrieved it and counted the money. It was all there. I left it on the bed came downstairs again forgetting to bring it down and now a £5.00 is missing a £1.00 coin is missing and bits of loose change.

Of course the kids haven't touched my purse

I'm fucking sick to the back teeth of this. I'm at my wits end and so bloody angry.

AIBU to just keep the kids in until one of them owns up

My DS1 has gone sailing but can't definitley rule him out.
My DS2 is upstairs under much protest tidying his pigsty of a room

My DD is 3 and normally tells me if she's touched the money to play 'shops' she says she hasn't touched it.

This is going on pretty much everytime my purse is left unattended

Sorry - that wasn't meant to be in bold

Personally, I would come down on them like a ton of bricks. If you have a shed with a padlock I would take away the x boxes, special trainers, special clothes etc and lock them away. I'd keep the key in my purse which as others have said, I'd lock away. If one of them confesses to the stealing the other could get their stuff back. I wonder though if both of them are up to it - you haven't said that either one of them admitted to the Thunderball or that they said that the other was responsible. I'd also start giving them loads of chores to keep them busy and to earn back a little bit of pocket money. Would your eldest child be old enough to get a paper round? Something like that may help him to learn the value of money.

I know what you mean about being upset that your kids have no concept of money. My kids are younger but when DS1 told me it didn't matter if he broke the wii because we could just buy another one I hit the roof. I've also been known to lecture him about clothes and have told him that the day I start wearing designer clothes will be the day I'll start buying them for him ... I'm not looking forward to the battles we'll no doubt have as he grows up.

Good luck

My brothers used to steal money from me all the time.
From the age of 10 i had 2 paper rounds & earnt good money.... for a child.
Then when i was older and working, i didn't go out or waste money & used to have a fair bit of cash in my room.
One of my brother nicked over £100 in one go as well as various amount all the time.
Finally i put a lock on my door but would be a little forgetful with my keys (had a new baby to deal with etc) and i later found my keys hidden in my mums bedroom . She had swipped them and was going in my room...... doing things to make me think i was going nuts.
My mum never once told my brothers off.

I used to have to walk round/hide my purse too & its not nice.

No advise im afraid but hope you get something sorted.

I think the others are right. It sounds like you have given them too much and material goods are not that important.

i would take away some of the things and not indulge them as much. I know it is not always easy. Make sure you hide your purse and don't have too much cash lying around.

This does sound like your making OP and you still haven't tackled your problem. Your DP is not happy about this, presumably causing some friction (is he the boys' Dad by the way?) and you continue yourself with a frankly childish, emotional response of continuing to spoil.

It's time to get over the hurt of "doing without". What you are doing is actually incredibly selfish, you are trying to make yourself feel better by plugging the gap of what you didn't have by transering it to your DC. Meanwhile they grow up with no concept of money and worse possibly, no concept of their own self worth if it isn't definied by the clothes that they wear and the things that they own.

I have to say I am shocked at how old the children are that have stolen.

My children have no idea about the value of money at 5, 7 and 110 and tbh I have no idea how to teach them but they would never ever take money from my purse. They take it from each other's money boxes but that is different as they all do it and sell each others things. Mine don't get pocket money as such but I need to sort that.

My advice would be to threaten police, sell their things to replace the money taken and get a lockable place to leave your money. They need to feel pain like you have or else they will get worse and what happens if they start taking from shops or other peoples houses?

My sister used to steal from me - she was the youngest and missed out on the years when our family was skint.

I got a lock on my door (after some opposition from my family). She has never really learned the value of money and still destroys and loses stuff, well into her 20s. You need to nip this in the bud now.

How about a new system? Pay them more pocket money/CB/whatever as an allowance, out of which they buy all their own clothes/toiletries and so on. might teach budgeting etc?

a different way of thinking about this might be thinking about what they feel they are lacking; what it is that they think they are getting when they steal FROM YOU (you dont indicate the stealing is in any other context). they may have designer trainers and sweets on tap (why??) but might they be lacking in your focused time and attention? A psychotherapeutic approach might think about the possibility that when children steal money from parents it might be linked to feeling deprived in an emotional not material sense... not saying this is the "right" answer and perhaps easier to think about them in terms of being "spoilt" and as "thieving fucking kids"... maybe you need some help with this?

Some great advice which I will certainly be taking on board and implementing.

Eurostar yes he's the boys and DD1's dad.

I know it has to stop and it stops TODAY. My children are behaving as a result of what I've created and i've had enough.

Thank you for great and much needed advice and not giving me a flaming .

For starters I would prob be inclined to take their favourite thing, a games console and the games perhaps, and go sell it at cash converters while the are at school. When they come back and realise its missing, you can play stupid just like they are doing to you!

After that every time money goes missing sell something else.

Could you maybe leave your purse somewhere near a computer/laptop with the webcam left on recording. Then you can try and get some proof of who's stealing?

Webcam idea is a good one - but may be difficult with tech-savvy teenagers.

Never mind taking one game or console - take the lot away. Sell all expensive clothes, all of them.

Something a friend of mine did in a similar situation, was put a note on or in her purse stating how much was in it and if any was missing, further punishment will follow.

If they want any nice things in future, they need to earn them through several weeks of good behavior.

Good luck x

You can avoid arguments about the unfairness of collective punishment by saying e.g. "I went to buy a chocolate cake but found I hadn't got enough money in my purse, so have a dry crust instead"

If the older one knew, he would probably tell on the younger one. The younger one might be more cautious.

I also agree you need to get a lockable place to put it. You can get electronic combination safes that screw to a wall or inside a wardrobe for £30 or so. I use a lockable keysafe, but of course that won't work if anyone ever finds your key. You can change a combination easily. They come with an emergency key that you will have to keep outside the house - at work, in the car, hidden somewhere they will never look (like under the spare hoover bags)

With my DD who is 8 we have started pocket money, but it needs to be earned, this is done through helping round the house and doing her homework and piano practice. If she wants something she has to save up for it or wait until her birthday. We started this because like many parents since birth I have been buying everything for her and we realised she had no concept of the value of things and took it all for granted. This new system has been in place for about 1 year and we have noticed she is looking after her things more and when she wants something she will work out how to save up for it.

As for the missing money at the moment - sell some of their things (1 item from each child) to replace it and tell them that it will continue while money goes missing.

Dye on the notes? Works on tv . I like the idea of a warning note in your purse though. But really, I would be on gumtree with all their gadgets and labels. It might be only one of them doing it, but the other one knows for sure it isn't them so can take action and isn't.

I haven't had time to read all this thread but I would just like to raise one possibility, that is are either of your lads being forced to steal money off you to give to bullies?

You seem to be a good caring Mam and I don't think they would be so blind to that they would steal of you willy nilly, just a thought.

If that is not the case and they are simply robbing their own family for purely selfish reason I would suggest something your not allowed to suggest on MN.

The thing that really makes me sad/angry is the idea of having to hide your purse from your own children. I like the idea of a note inside it giving the running total, but better outcome would prob be the consequences of theft being bad enough that they just don't dare steal.

Get thee to CashConverters!

Good luck, OP. Let us know how you go.

You are paying other people to do your windows and ironing. Why not pay your kids instead? (Downstairs windows)

images.mirror.co.uk/upl/m4/jun2009/3/8/news-pics-image-14-787738428.jpg

Something to think on, when your kids shout and argue when you try to sort this mess out. You're trying to stop them ending up there. It's hard, but you can do it.

When my cousins were stealing whisky from my gran, she replaced it with tea. They knew she knew, and they stopped.

I'm thinking you should get a new purse and put a good smelly dog poo in the old one and leave it lying around.

And sell their stuff. And cook the most boring, cheap meals, tell them you can't afford anything fancy as they have taken the money. And no pocket money until the stealing stops for a month.

Stop buying them things, take away their laptops/xboxes and let them have fuck all until you find out who it is.

Stealing from your own parents is scum behaviour and it's been going on long enough.

What kind of children are you breeding?

I'd also stop giving them dinner money, send them to school with a sandwich instead.

Could they be being bullied? Some other kid demanding cash off them, and they're too ashamed to tell you what's going on?

A lot of children today seem to have a bad grasp of the value of money. My DN told us airily last week that £250,000 for a house isn't a lot. I sat down and bored her explained to her exactly how much deposit and earnings you would need to afford a house of that value, plus all the bills on top. In one ear and out the other, and she's 15! I had my first part time job at that age and had no pocket money, she (and her siblings) expect everything on a plate.

I would arrange a visit from the police. To send the message that what they are doing is a crime, it's not acceptable just because you are their mother, and if they did it to any other purse do they think they'd get away with it? I'd want to hit home that stealing is stealing no matter the circumstances and that it is serious and will be taken seriously.

I am not sure if I agree with locking everything up except in the short term. In your own home you should be able to know you are not going to be robbed by your children. I would be dealing swiftly and very strongly with the issue and not letting hiding my purse away become long term. Of course a safe for valuables is good for burglars, so I might still do that. But I'd expect to be able to leave my purse with change around, the penny jars (might want to check those) and dinner money envelopes. Hiding all that way isn't really tackling the issue, it's just stopping the undesirable outcome.

I would then sit down with my family and have a family meeting. I'd want to communicate that I was aware that there were thefts going on, that I didn't know who it was committing the crime, but that until I found out I was going to have to introduce measures to all the children because it wasn't acceptable, that I wasn't happy to have to do this, and that I would feel very sad that innocent children would be punished too. I'd be sure to say that I understand it might be difficult to step up, and that if there were reasons outside of pure greed I would take into account mitigating factors, but the longer it went on without an admission, the worse the punishment would be in the end. I would tell all my children I loved them, and that this was why I was being hard, because I loved them so much I didn't want them growing up to be criminals.

I would then remove things of value from them and lock them away. I would keep them grounded, including from boating) and I would stop pocket money going to them directly (though I would allow it to accrue, one so that they could see how much they are losing out on, and two so that the innocent parties know that they will eventually get their pocket money back). I wouldn't sell their stuff until I knew who it was, as it's going to be hard enough for the innocent parties to lose out for a while, so wouldn't be selling their things. (Absence may be enough to kick the idea of valuing their things too.)

If I still didn't catch the thief, I would be setting up some sort of "sting" operation, to catch them red-handed. Then I would come down on them like a tonne of bricks.

I'd tackle the separate issue of not earning and recognising the value of money too, but maybe not until the rest was done, it might be too much and I wouldn't want to kick them from scared and respectful over to resentful and stubborn.