Am sick to fucking death of my theiving fucking kids AIBU to keep them in indefinitely

[shinyshoes]

For months now money have been missing from my purse.

I decided to not keep any cash on me whatsoever, this became difficult when I was out and needed a drink as was paying for a can of drink on the debit card and was embarresed.

Both my elder children deny taking it.

They are given the best trainers, the best clothes, the newest Xbox games, treats , they ant for nothing.

One of us is alwways at home, we both work but make sure it works out one parent is always at home with them, so it's not for attention.

I had to draw out money as I have my ironing sent out and pay by cash when it gets redelivered. Plus the window cleaner has been this eek so I needed cash to pay him.

I hide my purse regularly and often carry it around the house with me.

Unfortunately last night I left it downstairs, waking up in a panic I retrieved it and counted the money. It was all there. I left it on the bed came downstairs again forgetting to bring it down and now a £5.00 is missing a £1.00 coin is missing and bits of loose change.

Of course the kids haven't touched my purse

I'm fucking sick to the back teeth of this. I'm at my wits end and so bloody angry.

AIBU to just keep the kids in until one of them owns up

My DS1 has gone sailing but can't definitley rule him out.
My DS2 is upstairs under much protest tidying his pigsty of a room

My DD is 3 and normally tells me if she's touched the money to play 'shops' she says she hasn't touched it.

This is going on pretty much everytime my purse is left unattended

i can see that (with one exception) what i posted earlier went down like a lead balloon... but am interested in idea that everyone is hell bent on punishment... if one (or more) of my dcs was stealing from me i might be pissed off and angry but i would also be very concerned about what was going on for them to be behaving like this. it suggests unhappiness and distress to me and i would want to get to the bottom of it because i would want to help them. i'm not sure happy secure children often nick money from their parents.

So have you advertised the x-box yet?? or even packed it away to make it look like you are selling it???

If you don't carry it through then it was pretty pointless saying it . . . .

havent read all replies but i would confiscate the XBOX, games, new clothes, trainers etc etc and tell them they will be for sale in the local supermarket/car boot if they dont own up.

x-post looks like you aklready have said it.

Agree with Lucyinthepie.

I think you perhaps need to rethink your whole family's lifestyle to be honest. Clearly having sweets, chocolate, fizzy drinks, designer gear and all the xbox stuff is giving them a major sense of entitlement and is bound to be skewing their view of the importance of £1 from your purse or a few quid in an envelope.

Actually, kids can live without ALL that (my DS has NONE of that in the house and somehow he still breathes! yes he does have sweets now and again but as a special treat and certainly not in the house every day)

I don't suppose this will appeal to you but to be honest I would stop buying all that crap completely and keep the money in your bank (or towards Uni/House/car funds for your kids

To be honest, having to work to earn money will be the making of the 14 years old
and the ten year old can do extra jobs round the house for his....

And it will be doing them a HUGE favour and making them into people that other people want to know, if they have an understanding that when you're buying 'limited edition' designer trainers you're just a mug really. People who think this stuff matters are usually shallow and boring, in my very humble opinion

A few posters have already mentioned what was my first gut instinct - is one of the children being bullied into paying someone at school money, with threats of violence etc?

I really dont think your kids could be smoking without you knowing about it, the smell gets in your clothes and hair.

again great advice thank you and it's much appreciated . I certainly need to change my ways I know that now.

Although there has been a development

Remember DS 1 went sailing, he came home very briefly to eat a bowl of curry and went over the allotment with DP. Whilst he was at home DS 2 mentioned we are to sell the xbox.

DS1 has just come home from the allotment asking me if i've found the money. I said I hadn't. He then said 'should I look in ds2 'stash'. He then came down with a £5.00 note
I don't know what to make of this. DS1 swears blind he knows where he 'stash' is as he often sneaks sweets and DS1 takes them.
He then asked if we are still selling the xbox and I said yes

what do u make of this

Erm..... he is trying to shift the blame and cover his arse??

Definitely sounds like DS1 trying to shift the blame. I would sell the X-Box.

Either ds1 is innocent and knows his brother is guilty, ds1 is guilty and trying to mislead you, or they are both in it together.

You need to sit them both down separately before they get a chance to collude and get stories straight. Direct questions. No emotion. Seriously pissed off parent who means business.

seeing as neither of them are actually owning up to it, I would still hold both of them equally responsible.

So Either DS2 took it and DS1 was fully aware of this or DS1 took it, and is trying to frame his younger brother. Neither is decent behaviour.

Agree with Secret - he's just trying in a not very nice way to dish a bit of money back to you to keep you happy - don't get drawn in to the details of who has what money and where it came from; you are doing this due to a 'culture' of them not understanding that they can't just take what they want. If this was me I would be telling them "this is partly my fault, I have not taught you the value of money but I know now that was wrong and I am going to be better from now on"

Sell the damn thing and let them get another one with money they have earned, if they want one

(but don't expect them to be happy with this, you and your DP will have to be strong and present a united front)

I wouldn't sell an expensive item, only to have them buy another.

I'd just confiscate it until you've had a month with no theft. The £5 isn't the issue, is it? It's the fact someone took it from your purse.

I would take the x box away for sure, wouldnt see it though, agree just keep it away for a month or two. It is obviously important to them that your ds has found a way to get the money back to you without being entirely honest. X box goes.

Do they get their own money to spend by the way? Pocket money etc.

And I am sorry, maybe I am a totally controlling parent but no way would my ten year old have a "stash". Money box with it all accounted for yes, stash? What does that even mean?

Have you thought about smoking / drugs (sorry to ask)?

My sister used to steal money and then find it in my room - evil bitch - I would say DS1 took it.

Sounds shifty to me tbh. If DS1 hasn't stolen it and DS2 has then DS1 is still as much to blame from not telling you.

I don't think so galois . I used to do recreational drugs socially before children and i'd recognise the signs . Ds1 has admitted to trying cigarettes but didn't like it

I might regret typing this but here goes...

I have DCs older than yours... and I never ever gave them enough pocket money or things to make them feel they were spoilt... I'm sorry but your DCs are spoilt. I provided the basics and gave them love and time and attention and that is enough to survive on. When they got to 14/15 yrs old ... they wanted all the extras and they went out to earn them 'cos mum and dad weren't going to provide those luxuries! I bought clothes, I provided school stuff and I was there for them but I was not going to pay for mobile phones, CDs, designer stuff and all the extras... that was down to them.

OP... start now... it's not too late... STOP buying designer gear... hell, they'll get used to it. If they want it enough, they will .. in time.. earn money and buy it. Give them love and time and that is enough. My 2 DCs would never ever dream of taking one penny out of my purse.. ever.

"They are given the best trainers, the best clothes, the newest Xbox games, treats , they ant for nothing."

I would stop all that for a start. If they treat you like that then I'd buy them fuck all until they stop stealing. Stop carrying cash at all. It isn't that hard. I rarely have cash, almost everywhere takes debit cards for small amounts. Don't be embarassed, I used to work in Boots as a student and I thought nothing of taking a debit card for a 99p drink and this was several years ago.

Seeing as they've taken it upon themselves to steal again today. Go into one of their rooms and take their favourite possession away from each of them. I don't know if you work but take it to your office or whatever if you have to but store it outside the home so they can't find it and take it back. Tell them they'll get it back when they give your money back. If they get pocket money stop it for a couple of months at least.

I don't agree with using locks, they are old enough to respect your property and not steal. Also tell them it's a criminal offence and if they behave this way as adults, stealing something they want, they'll up in prison.

You have to be cruel to be kind shiny. It simialr to a situation we had when my DS1 was about 13/14 (hes now 18). Our fault for trusting him with a contract mobile - and inevitably we got a huge bill. Q big lecture etc etc and promises not to do it again - as long as we didnt take his phone off him. So we didnt. Fast forward a few months - and then a bill for £90 landed on our doorstep (we were prepared to fund it up until about £15-£20 a month) - and in the time from the bill getting prepared and it arriving and then DH phoning them up to stop the phone - it was now £180!!

Suffice to say we took his x box and playstation2 to game and sold them to help fund the bill, which we paid. We then made him take on a job doing the avon until he had earned enough to pay us back every single penny. Of course it was me that did all the paperwork and ordering etc - but I made him go out and deliver all the orders. He used to be mortified for some reason being known as the "avon boy" . Not surprisingly he didnt do anything as stupid with money again. Harsh - maybe? But it worked.

Up until then he had a fairly couldnt care less attitude to how much things cost. But when he was 15 he got a paper round and now is getting up early and doing a milk round to pay for hios own driving lessons, so am pleased with him.

Good luck.

That's great duckdodgers! Exactly what the OP's DC's need!

there are 2 separate issue to deal with op

the theft, and whatever reasons are behind it, and the dishonesty/lies - we ahve always told ours they will be in double trouble if we find out they have lied to us

the lying often hurts more then whatever the misdemeanour was

aside from the money theft issue - which of your DS do you believe to be the most truthful? any experience of them lying about other stuff? are they generally polite and respectful?

Is it definitely one of the children? E.g. you don't have anyone else who could have access to your house via an open window, copied keys etc? But yes, if it is them YABU to punish both when it might only be one of them. Find some way to catch them instead.

Thanks A1980 Felt really bad about it tbh but also thought that it would be worth it in the end. No-one gives us a manual on being a parent eh.

I still smile thinking about him hiding behind all the bushes in our street to make sure the coast was clear i.e none of his pals were around before he went out carrying avon bags.