Fuck fuck fuckity fuck

[bupcakesandcunting]

I have to walk down a long alley with loads of bends in it to get DS to pre-school, and obviously, walk back up it. On the way back the alley is dead quiet because pre-school parents leave fifteen minutes after the rest of the school. I never see anyone walking down there on my way back.

About halfway up on my way home, I had a terrible urge to, ahem, bottom burp. Had a quick scan round. No-one about, so I let rip. It was REALLY loud and it had gusto too. (Chilli for tea last night) Then I hear sniggering and feel my fce go red from the neck up. Turns out there were two blokes over the other side of the fence of the alley, pruning a tree. Both of them quite easy on the eye.

Moral of this story: look UP as well.

Shush, I used to work in and old folks home and one of the female residents used to do this when she walked up the stairs to bed. Thing is, one of us had to walk up behind her to make sure she was steady on her feet. Not nice!

Fellatio - our lab does a little fart sometimes when she sits down. Her bum plops onto the floor, and a very lady-like little fart pops out. They sound better on the hard floors than on the carpet. She also does the worst silent but deadly farts. When she was a puppy she would sleep on my feet under the desk whilst I mumsnetted, and her farts would blister the varnish.

ohmygod this is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Meant to be doing some late-night (martyr) marking and it's all I can do to keep my hysterics quiet - I've been laughing and gasping for breathe into a manky tea towel to keep quiet. DH next door keeps asking if I'm alright - he can hear my stiffled giggles....

Have to contribute though -

My gorgeous old black lab who lived to the grand old age of 16, would regularly guff away quite contentedly. It bloody stank. He could clear a room. THe best ones though, were when he was curled up dozing, he'd let one slip out. Cue him giving his bottom a cursory sniff, throw us an accusatory glance, then get up in disgust and pad over to the other side of the room. As if to say ' you dirty bastards'. God, I loved that dog

i once was in a large wholesale store picking up supplies for work. suddenly my stomach rumbled violently and as the store was empty I broke wind. the relief was immense however so too was the smell. At that moment a woman came in and I prayed she wouldn't come anywhere near me and of course she wanted exactly the same thing as I was buying. when she drew near I laughed and said 'oh, i thought i was alone!'. i was so embarrased and she ignored me!

And then there's the one about my friend who, safely inside her quietly peaceful home, propelled herself up the hallway, loudly farting the entire way, pushed open the ajar kitchen door for her daughter to announce "Hi Mum, meet my new boyfriend"

Then there's me looking in an estate agents window one summer, merrily farting away, eventually - a looong time later and mucho farto - noticed the open door and the agents all looking at me like this - . Those dear estate agents could hear my performance like I was on a concert stage.

And then there's my little ones who, having been taught how to answer the phone politely, very seriously announced to one caller that mummy couldn't come to the phone because she was having a poo.

Marking my place for more body aching tears of laughter and offering little gem.

Once, when I was about 23, I stayed at my friend's flat overnight. She was a nice girl but quite precious and prissy and not someone you could be very raucous with. In the morning I was standing in her living room ironing my skirt for work - she was in her bedroom so I though it was safe to fart. It was one of those really really bad ones that burns your sphincter as it leaves you - one of those you imagine should come with a visual image of a green gaseous cloud.

Sadly, at the moment I realised just how dangerously noxious it was going to be, she walked in. I panicked a bit as she approached me, so I decided to try to disperse the green cloud by picking up my skirt off the ironing board, and flapping it, rather too vigorously and theatrically than was strictly necessary. I was hoping she's think I was flapping my skirt to get the creases out, but I didn't fool her for a second.

I just succeeded in pushing the green cloud closer to her nose, I think. She didn't say anything but she visibly sniffed, wrinkled her nose, gave a little lady-like frown of disdain, and met my eye with a brief look of weary disappointment, then left the room. Very diplomatic. I was mortified.

Crying w laughter here - thanks everyone. I wish I had a better fart story to share!!
My DS 2yo says 'bart' as a combo word for fart/burp
Also v glad there's someone else who has a 'fartless' marriage. DH has never farted in front of me to my knowledge as he is quite prissy about bodily functions... I however have let out a couple of sneaky ones and hoped he's not noticed when they've been a bit smelly!
I also remember a girl in my dormitory at boarding school who used to do really loud farts, then run round the dorm wafting her hand behind her bum so 'everyone could have some!'

Dh does the occasional, very musical fart in his sleep. It's really quite jaunty to hear, but there's always that worry about what will gust out if the duvet gets moved. He utterly refuses to believe he does this, btw.

PMSL at some of these - reminded me of DHs very prim & proper then 93 yr old, quite deaf Nana, who was with us one Xmas - as were several other family members & friends - sitting around after lunch, she let rip with the LOUDEST squeaky one I think I've ever heard - it went on a while too

She carried on as if nothing had happened, whilst the rest of the room didn't know whether to laugh or cry (it stank ) -

DH piped up - "pardon you Nana" -

Nana replies with a very stern look -"what for"

DH - "you pumped"

Nana - (very indignant) "I DID NOT"

I would presume that as she's was deaf, because SHE didn't hear it, she thought she could pretend it didn't happen BUT several more sherries later the same day - she's sitting knees wide apart & her skirts riding up - DH & his Mate are sitting on the floor - DH turns around & gets an eyeful of Nanas old style stockings & suspenders, realises his mate & others say across the room will also see it -

DH says - "Nana, you might want to pull your skirt down"

Nana "what ever for" [sock"

DH - "because you are flashing the family jewels"

Nana - "PARDON" ?

DH - "We can see your knickers"

Nana - "they're clean"

Some brilliant stories here!

You lot struck me as the type that would enjoy my mate Rog's website www.guffbox.co.uk/
The bloody fool actually records, names and uploads his own jazz trumpets. You have got to check it out!

This thread is just too too funny!

With regards to my Husband's farts, if he farts during a bath , his sound like "Edwood Woodwood"