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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For getting snappy with DP for nagging about sex?

217 replies

tiiredacheyandskint · 30/04/2011 10:02

Last week DP and I had booked a 2 day trip. First day involved a 6 mile walk through the dales - travel lodge - and then 2nd day to be spend in the lake district. So first day we did the 6 mile walk, it was blazing hot, I got quite bad sun burn - when we made it back to the travel lodge I was tired, achey and sunburnt and just wanted to flake out for an hour until we went out to find a resteraunt. DP however began nagging for sex AS SOON as we got back to the travel lodge. He went on and on about it, really presuring and pushing the issue. I told him I was going to get a bath and he kept saying things like "ok, sex first then bath?" or when I asked if he wanted a coffee he said "ok, coffee then sex?" it was really getting on my nerves but I didn't want to snap and end up arguing and spoiling the trip. In the end I gave in simply so we could actually get on with our evening without him nagging at me. So it turns out he couldn't keep an erection anyway!!! we tried twice, he couldn't do it. Finally we went out to dinner.

When we got back I made it clear I was absolutely knackered, so was he thankfully so we went straight to sleep.

5am in the morning I'm woken up by him touching me. I told him I was shattered and to let me sleep. He carried on. 6am I asked him to make me a coffee and so it startd again "ok, coffee first and then sex?" I'm not the most patient of people first thing in a morning so I could feel myself getting extremely irritated almost instantly. He made me a coffee, I began drinking it and he carried on trying to touch me up. I told him to leave me alone whilst I drank my coffee, he said "you don't need to do anything, you just drink your coffee and let me play with you" Hmm eventually I snapped and said "LOOK, WILL YOU JUST LET ME DRINK MY COFFEE???" he got off me instantly and a few minutes later asked "why are you in a mood?" so I replied "because I hate being nagged and presured for sex" he said "but I'm just trying to make the most of it! we don't get to stay out very often" so I said "and you have completely put me off by nagging at me about it". I've warned him before that nagging puts me off.

He later said he was concerned about his failure to maintain an erection the day earlier and wanted to make the most of the erection he developed early that morning. I explained to him that I can't just "be ready" whenever he develops an erection and nagging and pressuring is the worst way to go about it.

We didn't end up having sex at all whilst we were away.

AIBU?

OP posts:
petitepeach · 01/05/2011 17:18

The op's dp on this occasion slipped up in his behaviour due to we know not what (there could be lots going on behind the scenes) the op should have a frank disscussion about likes/dislikes etc the bigger picture....people posting hate filled personal rants and demands to leave and she would be better off on her own are misplaced and selfish....Sad

millie30 · 01/05/2011 17:22

Petitepeach, I haven't seen hate filled rants, just supportive posts telling the OP that she is justified in feeling unhappy with the situation that occurred. I think it's the posts which say that she obviously wasn't clear enough for the poor manchild to understand, or that she should be a bit more "compliant" which are horrendously misplaced on this thread.

unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 17:27

I think what we are trying to say is that there are two sides to every story and we don't know whats going on within the marriage and whether her DP has confidence issues in relation to sex atm - not that she should be more "compliant" Hmm

nijinsky · 01/05/2011 17:27

petitepeach good heavens! A woman who shows signs of possibly being annoyed! Call the thought police at once! And what if I don't have a relationship to be perfect...?

I feel a real camaraderie between women such as myself who are educated, hold (or have held) down good jobs and pay their own way. Personally, I don't have to pander to a man for my living and see myself as his equal.

Bellebelicious · 01/05/2011 17:31

Petitepeach

Most people have pointed out that they think her dp's behaviour was insulting, irritating and shows a huge lack of respect for her. Some people (the minority) think it was fine, as he's a man and she 'didn't make herself clear'. I haven't noticed any 'leave him' posts. But there are 177 messages, so I may have missed a couple.

There have been hate-filled rants from one poster in particular about the 'feminist drones' who dare suggest that a woman isn't just a wank-receptacle and that sex should equally be about pleasure for both partners and not a chore, but most of us are big and clever enough to ignore that sort of baiting.

millie30 · 01/05/2011 17:31

Unsurevalentine, actually a poster earlier did suggest more compliance which is what I was referring to. And of course we only have one side of the story, that is the nature of these threads. So we can only take the OP at face value and respond accordingly.

petitepeach · 01/05/2011 17:40

Thanks unsurevalentine.....I didn't say be compliant did I? I suggested to sit down and talk about it....
nijinsky...you walked into that one Wink
I feel a real camaraderie between women such as myself who are educated, hold (or have held) down good jobs and pay their own way. Personally, I don't have to pander to a man for my living and see myself as his equal. Confused

Asinine · 01/05/2011 17:42

I am just so Envy that you had a break away together

It is the stuff of dreams...

If my dh didn't try it on when we were on a rare break away, I would seriously wonder what was wrong

Getting angry or snappy will not help your relationship or his erectile problems. Try and tell him what would work for you, maybe next time you could agree that you make the first move. You would feel more like it when the pressure is off.

For some men no sex is the equivalent of a dp not talking with you properly for the same length of time. When we leave it for more than a few days, we feel less connected and our foibles seem to grate more on each other than usual.

Am expecting to be flamed for this, what I should say is the standard 'he is a twunt'

unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 17:44

Is being a SAHM pandering then?! Confused

petitepeach · 01/05/2011 17:46

Well said asinine but be prepared to be accused of 'pandering to the manchildren'
Also Grin to some time alone together...

DaisyLovesMetronidazole · 01/05/2011 17:47

I don't think he should be pandered to.

I don't think that he deserves any more respect as a man than a woman in the same situation would.

I also don't think that a woman should have sex because a man wants to because he is a man. However, I take no issue with a woman/man having sex with his/her dp when he/she isn't particularly in the mood because he/she wants to make his/her dp happy. However, I don't think any woman/man should pressurise his/her dp into having sex.

I can understand how "I'm having a bath" could be misinterpreted. Not because he is a man, but because she didn't specify that she didn't want to have sex that night.

pingu2209 · 01/05/2011 18:23

Oh god, you have broken the taboo I have not spoken about - ever - to anyone!!!!!

I love my husband dearly and adore him. He does loads for me and our family; works hard etc. I would be totally devistated if he ever shagged another person, even just a one night stand. If ever he left me and cited lack of sex as the reason I would cry tears of "why didn't you tell me, I would have shagged you more if you said so..."

BUT - a big BUT -

  • since having children our sex drives are really really different. I would happily have sex once a week or even fortnight, apart from certain times of the month when I am probably fertile, when I want to have sex about 3 times a week then.

However, my husband would have sex at least 4 or 5 times a week, everyweek. He pesters and pesters and pesters me to say yes. He uses all the weapons in his armoury. He will be nice, then moody, then shout, then say 'you don't love me' etc etc...

The thing is, he also wants to have sex but with as little foreplay as possible. His idea of getting me in the mood is to grab at my boobs, or roughly put his hands down my pants for a max of 1 minute.

Then worse of all, the reality is that at least 95% of the time, he just wants the release of climax, so the sex lasts all of 3 mins and he is the only one who is enjoying himself!!!!! To be fair on him, it is probably because he is tired and just wants to 'relieve himself'.

This then leads to me wanting even less sex because it is crap for me. I probably have sex at least 2 or 3 times a week when I really don't want it, but as it lasts such a short time I think, "well it keeps him happy".

I have tried discussing it with him. I have told him I am really tired as we have 3 children and I just want to sleep. I have told him that I can't get into the mood without quite a lot of foreplay (quite often he will actually say "well I just want sex so if i have to give you foreplay I'd rather go straight to sleep"). I have told him after a day/evening of whining children, I am really not in the right frame of mind.

There is no middle ground. If I said, okay lets have sex 3 times a week but each time I need at least 30 mins of foreplay and that has to start from the beginning each time a small child walks in on us. Also when we have sex it needs to last at least 10 minutes. Seriously - he would rather have a w@nk!

expatinscotland · 01/05/2011 18:41

Pingu, the chances of his shagging another woman are about nil because he's absolute shite in bed. The first time he diddled someone for a minute then tried to stick his dick in her, she'd be off like a thunderbolt.

If he'd rather have a wank than treat you as a person and not a blow-up doll, then let him.

unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 18:43

Pingu - Sad he sounds like my ex husband - which is why he is ex.

aliceliddell · 01/05/2011 18:46

Shit, Pingu, that's awful. No way should you put up with that. To be honest, he is having a w@nk, he's just using your body instead of his hand. The term 'foreplay' makes it sound like just playing around before we get to the real thing. For most women, and quite a few men, 'foreplay' IS the real thing. He needs telling.

pingu2209 · 01/05/2011 18:58

OOOOOOOO just reread my message above. Yes it reads really badly. He is just using me a lot of the time - he even calls sex a 'sleeping pill' so he can get off to sleep more easily!

I don't understand it really. We are really open and discuss everything. I have told him all that I have said here - I have only told him - never ever anyone else.

However, when I get tough and say, sod you, give me foreplay to get me in the mood or no sex at all, he will get really moody and after a few days I give in as I can't stand his moodiness.

He also says things like, "if you don't give me sex eventually I will have to get it elsewhere". He knows all the buttons to press as I would be totally devistated if he ever went off with anyone else.

I can't be the only wife out there doing this?

unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 19:00

Thats is mental abuse and he sounds worse than the OP's husband.

No you are no the only one - I did it for 10 yrs Hmm

I am now with someone else who I love, fancy and who makes me very very happy (sorry dittanny me me me me me Grin)

Becaroooo · 01/05/2011 19:05

pingu That is emotional blackmail....you know that, right?

When he next tells you he will have to "go elsewhere" Shock for sex, tell him you will too, for someone who can/wants to satisfy you!!!!

everyspring · 01/05/2011 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaisyLovesMetronidazole · 01/05/2011 19:15

Pingu, he is being horrible.

TotallyUtterlyDesperate · 01/05/2011 19:54

Pingu - sorry, but that sounds truly awful! My DH has never, ever spoken to me like that in our 23 years of marriage and it wouldn't have lasted 23 years if he had. No, men don't have to be like that!

The word "foreplay" is wrong IMHO - it is all part of making love.

Ormirian · 01/05/2011 19:58

Stupid child! If my 8 yr old nagged like that for anything I'd have put him straight very quickly. An adult shouldn't need telling.

smallmotherbigheart · 01/05/2011 20:07

Holding hands is one of the nicest and public- friendly gestures of affection... I hope to be doing that no matter how old I get. It's so lovely to see old couples holding hands

smallmotherbigheart · 01/05/2011 20:09

sorry lost the plot there, totally lost track of my pages (runs away embarrassed)

Ormirian · 01/05/2011 20:15

"Why is it disturbing to want a man to be a bloody man? Why is it not okay to want to fufill "traditional" roles? Men don't know where they are anymore as we have blurred the boundaries so much."

Tough! If men are really so thick they can't work it out perhaps we are better off without them Hmm The answer is that they stop trying to fulfill 'roles' and live their lives and let women do the same. Why do you need boundaries?