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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For getting snappy with DP for nagging about sex?

217 replies

tiiredacheyandskint · 30/04/2011 10:02

Last week DP and I had booked a 2 day trip. First day involved a 6 mile walk through the dales - travel lodge - and then 2nd day to be spend in the lake district. So first day we did the 6 mile walk, it was blazing hot, I got quite bad sun burn - when we made it back to the travel lodge I was tired, achey and sunburnt and just wanted to flake out for an hour until we went out to find a resteraunt. DP however began nagging for sex AS SOON as we got back to the travel lodge. He went on and on about it, really presuring and pushing the issue. I told him I was going to get a bath and he kept saying things like "ok, sex first then bath?" or when I asked if he wanted a coffee he said "ok, coffee then sex?" it was really getting on my nerves but I didn't want to snap and end up arguing and spoiling the trip. In the end I gave in simply so we could actually get on with our evening without him nagging at me. So it turns out he couldn't keep an erection anyway!!! we tried twice, he couldn't do it. Finally we went out to dinner.

When we got back I made it clear I was absolutely knackered, so was he thankfully so we went straight to sleep.

5am in the morning I'm woken up by him touching me. I told him I was shattered and to let me sleep. He carried on. 6am I asked him to make me a coffee and so it startd again "ok, coffee first and then sex?" I'm not the most patient of people first thing in a morning so I could feel myself getting extremely irritated almost instantly. He made me a coffee, I began drinking it and he carried on trying to touch me up. I told him to leave me alone whilst I drank my coffee, he said "you don't need to do anything, you just drink your coffee and let me play with you" eventually I snapped and said "LOOK, WILL YOU JUST LET ME DRINK MY COFFEE???" he got off me instantly and a few minutes later asked "why are you in a mood?" so I replied "because I hate being nagged and presured for sex" he said "but I'm just trying to make the most of it! we don't get to stay out very often" so I said "and you have completely put me off by nagging at me about it". I've warned him before that nagging puts me off.

He later said he was concerned about his failure to maintain an erection the day earlier and wanted to make the most of the erection he developed early that morning. I explained to him that I can't just "be ready" whenever he develops an erection and nagging and pressuring is the worst way to go about it.

We didn't end up having sex at all whilst we were away.

AIBU?

OP posts:

millie30 · 30/04/2011 11:06

YANBU, he sounds disrespectful and annoying. Why on earth would you want to have sex with someone like that?

squeakytoy · 30/04/2011 11:06

Noodle, believe it or not, sex is not the first thing on my mind if I want to get a weekend away. It may be part of the weekend, but certainly not the most important bit, and I like to think I have a very normal marriage. :)

noodle69 · 30/04/2011 11:07

Soz x post. How long has he had erection problems for? Maybe its playing on his mind and its worrying him and its coming across the wrong way. What did he say when you told him that you didnt like the way he was going about things?

unsurevalentine · 30/04/2011 11:10

Agree with noodle again. If I am alone with OH the first thing we BOTH want to do is rip each others clothes off and I don't consider myself to be some lid of sex pest.

missymarmite · 30/04/2011 11:11

OP, did you clearly say to DH "Look, I am knackered after all that walking, I am in pain, and I do NOT want to have sex tonight. Let me rest and maybe tomorrow late morning when I have rested I might be in the mood."?

In the morning, did you say "Look, it is X 0'clock in the morning, I am still tired and I just don't want sex yet. Leave me alone because you are turning me off further by persisting"?

Cos to me this sounds like a classic case of gender miscommunication. He wants it, you don't, but as a woman, instead of very clearly stating that sex is not on the cards, you try distration methods, like "I'm having a bath", "do you want some coffee".

He is a man. You. Must. Say. What. You. Mean. Clearly, and bluntly.

ccpccp · 30/04/2011 11:13

Fair enough I guess. 'sunburn' is as good an excuse as 'he doesnt help around the house' or 'he doesnt help with the kids' to explain away a flagging libido.

I love these MN 'nagging for sex' threads.

AnnieLobeseder · 30/04/2011 11:18

Being actually asked for sex is one of the biggest turn-offs in the world for me, though on a weekend away I would probably have got in the mood pretty quickly if DH started to play with me in the morning.

But I think the pp was right, you might need to be more direct when you tell him no instead of saying 'later'. And, in short sentences with small words, tell him that being asked for sex just doesn't do it for you, then tell him what does work for you so the poor guy has something to go on!

I've found that when it come to sex, a couple really need to talk plainly and openly about their wants, needs and turn-ons, preferably in a non-sex situation so emotions/hormones aren't running high.

missymarmite · 30/04/2011 11:18

ccpccp, so what do you suggest? If a woman isn't in the mood, should she just service her hubby by lying back and thinking of England while he has his wicked way? Leaving her feeling used and dirty and thus putting her off having sex even further? Making sex into a chore, a duty to be endured to please the partner, rather than something loving to be shared?

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 30/04/2011 11:21

If he wanted a dirty weekend away he should have communicated that to the OP before booking the weekend.

Who the hell goes on a 6 mile hike, sees their DW/P get sunburnt, and then pesters for sex? Surely he'd have been better off running the OP a bath, letting her rest for a while and suggest that maybe they can have sex later if she feels up to it. That would be more likely to get him sex than pestering and whining about it.

As for waking the OP up at 5am the next morning, well if it had been me he would have been wearing his balls for earrings.

unsurevalentine · 30/04/2011 11:25

I love being woken up in the middle of the night for sex. OH does it when we are at my parents.

I miss him

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 30/04/2011 11:30

OK, two possible explanations here. OP, how is your relationship generally? If it's normally happy and you don't feel resentful of and he is not usually a sex pest then maybe this boils down to him being worried about his wilting willy and therefore acting stupidly.

If this sort of thing happens a lot though then you have a problem in your marriage. Often a man who behaves like this is basically a man who doesn';t like women much, and the behaviour - nagging, groping, whining, sulking, calling the woman names - is not actually about getting to engage in sex at all, it's about upsetting the woman and making her feel bad. Because, after all, a nice man who wants more sex is capable of talking to his DW aobut this and listening to what she says. A man who has been told that constantly asking for sex and attempting to have it on the woman's body when she is not interested, is a massive turn off, shouldn't keep using the same strategy and expecting a different outcome.

ccpccp · 30/04/2011 11:35

Its negotiation and compromise missymarmite.

Some people just switch off and make no effort to switch back on, and expect their partners to accept it. MN is littered with self delusional threads where the 'nagging' is the problem.

Clearly OPs DH desperately hoped they would have a little passion if his wife was lifted from the drudgery of day to day life and dropped in the fancy surroundings of a Travelodge.

Instead she got 'sunburn'.

zikes · 30/04/2011 11:42

Have you ever been sunburnt, ccpccp? Cos it bloody hurts and the last thing you want is to be touched.

It's not an 'excuse' - and even if it was, why in the hell would anyone want to have sex with a partner who was not into it and was making excuses not to? How can sex be any good if it's not mutually wanted?

1morecupofcoffee · 30/04/2011 11:42

Missymarmite I think the whole 'gender miscommunication' thing is nonsense really, and insulting to the intelligence of men. If you are trying/asking to have sex with somebody and they are saying they want to have a bath or a cup of coffee, then it is obvious that they do not want to have sex, regardless of the genders of the asker or the replyer.

Also, "I told him to leave me alone while I drunk my coffee" couldn't really be any clearer.

OP, YANBU

Crawling · 30/04/2011 11:44

HA ha ha negotiation and compromise hahahah what is that where DP asks for sex and op compromises and gives it to him regardless as to whether she wants to?

OP did offer compromise she didnt say no she said she was tired and in pain and wanted to sleep if he had compromised and waited for sex let her sleep she would probably have given him it in the morning. Instead she completly sacrificed had sex even though she was tired and in pain and notr in the mood and he couldnt keep it up so after barely any sleep expected her to bend over backwords again to meet his needs when it wasnt what she wanted.

I really see nothing wrong with a woman who is in pain and tired not being in the mood for sex that does not make her abnormal. I agree compromise is needed however in this situation I see no compromise from the male partner what so ever and think he needs to do more of it.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 30/04/2011 11:51

CCCP, are you another one who 'doesn;t understand' why your wife won't have sex with you? The answer is likely to be that you're rubbish at it. A man with th sort of entitled, selfish attitude that a partner owes him sex is going to be very boring to have sex with because it will be all about his dick and despunking him.

ccpccp · 30/04/2011 11:52

"Have you ever been sunburnt, ccpccp?"

Was hospitalised for it once.

Op was so badly sunburnt she didnt want to be touched, but strangely was happy to go have a hot bath

I bet she had a headache too.

MsToni · 30/04/2011 11:52

I love hiking. I love the Lakes. And I love sex. Perfect combination and a turn on.

With his explanation, a little bit of understanding and compliance may have made it bearable.

Crawling · 30/04/2011 11:55

I always have a hot bath after sunburn it stops it stinging DP things I am nuts though but it helps me and makes it not hurt as much.

noodle69 · 30/04/2011 11:55

I think if I were you next time you go away take some sexy stuff, toys, booze and your laptop for some tunes and just stay in together. Then you wont be tired, it will be really relaxed etc. You can have bath/shower together, massages, take it slow, have loads of sleep. I think its a must for every couple every few months.

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 30/04/2011 11:56

The OP didn't say a hot bath.

missymarmite · 30/04/2011 11:56

Actually, I don't think it is nonsence in some cases (naturally in some cases it is different). Perhaps I shouldn't have put gender into it, but some people don't take hints well. Some people need to be told implicitly. As we don't have dh's POV, it think it is unreasonable to slate him. The OP did not make her feelings all that clear. Going on about "I need a bath" and "I am drinking coffee" might be obvious to some people, but to others, it isn't. I stand by my statement that there seems to be a lack of effective communication int he relationship. We only have one side of the story, but there is a lot more going on here. Maybe this couple need to go to relate?

ccpccp · 30/04/2011 11:57

It does crawling?

Might try that next time, but I bet its agony getting in.

zikes · 30/04/2011 11:58

Doesn't say hot bath, ccpccp.

And you don't answer why if it was an excuse, her oh would continue to press the issue with someone who was making excuses not to. I like my sexual partners happy and enthusiastic personally.

southmum · 30/04/2011 11:59

Jesus H Christ at some of the responses on here is all I can say actually.

OP am very annoyed for you and (on the rare occasion) when my DP acts like that I am sure I can feel my hymen growing back

Fuck that you had sunburn, you werent in the mood and he carried on like some 16 year old virgin who is on a promise

I feel a bit of pity though for some of the posters on here who obviously just do it when they dont really want it as its part of their 'duty'. Probably worried their bloke will go off with someone else if they dont.

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