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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For getting snappy with DP for nagging about sex?

217 replies

tiiredacheyandskint · 30/04/2011 10:02

Last week DP and I had booked a 2 day trip. First day involved a 6 mile walk through the dales - travel lodge - and then 2nd day to be spend in the lake district. So first day we did the 6 mile walk, it was blazing hot, I got quite bad sun burn - when we made it back to the travel lodge I was tired, achey and sunburnt and just wanted to flake out for an hour until we went out to find a resteraunt. DP however began nagging for sex AS SOON as we got back to the travel lodge. He went on and on about it, really presuring and pushing the issue. I told him I was going to get a bath and he kept saying things like "ok, sex first then bath?" or when I asked if he wanted a coffee he said "ok, coffee then sex?" it was really getting on my nerves but I didn't want to snap and end up arguing and spoiling the trip. In the end I gave in simply so we could actually get on with our evening without him nagging at me. So it turns out he couldn't keep an erection anyway!!! we tried twice, he couldn't do it. Finally we went out to dinner.

When we got back I made it clear I was absolutely knackered, so was he thankfully so we went straight to sleep.

5am in the morning I'm woken up by him touching me. I told him I was shattered and to let me sleep. He carried on. 6am I asked him to make me a coffee and so it startd again "ok, coffee first and then sex?" I'm not the most patient of people first thing in a morning so I could feel myself getting extremely irritated almost instantly. He made me a coffee, I began drinking it and he carried on trying to touch me up. I told him to leave me alone whilst I drank my coffee, he said "you don't need to do anything, you just drink your coffee and let me play with you" Hmm eventually I snapped and said "LOOK, WILL YOU JUST LET ME DRINK MY COFFEE???" he got off me instantly and a few minutes later asked "why are you in a mood?" so I replied "because I hate being nagged and presured for sex" he said "but I'm just trying to make the most of it! we don't get to stay out very often" so I said "and you have completely put me off by nagging at me about it". I've warned him before that nagging puts me off.

He later said he was concerned about his failure to maintain an erection the day earlier and wanted to make the most of the erection he developed early that morning. I explained to him that I can't just "be ready" whenever he develops an erection and nagging and pressuring is the worst way to go about it.

We didn't end up having sex at all whilst we were away.

AIBU?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 30/04/2011 17:12

My grandparents held hands when they were in their 90's-they were a lovely couple. Why would you stop?

exoticfruits · 30/04/2011 17:14

By agenda I mean that he obviously thought it was a 'dirty weekend'-and if so a long walk in the sun and a Travel Lodge wasn't terribly conducive!

Finallyspring · 30/04/2011 17:14

I think it takes two to get into a situation like this. Yes, it's annoying for you. But it's also sad and frustrating for him. Don't make it into something about how awful men are (other posters) this can happen the other way around too. You need to sort it out together rather than trying to pin the blame on each other.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 30/04/2011 17:15

That's very sweet Noodle and I'm sooo pleased for you
You were v patronising about it though
' surely you hold hands every time you go out of the house?'
Insinuating it is somehow strange or irregular not to

Er no, actually. I don't.

exoticfruits · 30/04/2011 17:17

If you always hold hands it sounds like a chore!

noodle69 · 30/04/2011 17:21

I was doing that in reponse to southmum saying she likes to do 'deeper' things on a trip away like hold hands which I dont think is something you only do now again its a way of being close to your husband whenever you go out and it appears to be written as if wanting sex with the man/woman you love on a whole weekend away without the kidswas shallow in some way.

I dont think its a chore tbh but different people do different things.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 30/04/2011 17:26

I'm feeling very envious of all these perfick romantic types lying in bed together after work and having baths and massages together

Do you all live in late night channel 5 films
And don't you have kitchen floors to wash?

Crawling · 30/04/2011 17:31

I wanna know where the DC are I mean with one in a pram and the other a walker we cant really hold hands whenever we go out so I am wondering how someone can do it everytime they go out

noodle69 · 30/04/2011 17:36

We only have the one DC so maybe thats it and my husband used to carry her most of the time when we were together and not use a buggy. Shes too big for a buggy now though

Also my kitchen floor doesnt get cleaned that frequently its darkish wood slats though and doesnt appear dirty to the naked eye. Well I dont think it does at mo! We come in put daughter down and get straight in bed most nights for about 7ish. We have the telly, laptop, dinner in there its cause we are lazy Grin

ccpccp · 30/04/2011 18:13

Apologies if the Travelodge sarcasm was lost on you MoreCrackThanHarlem. I'll signpost it with smileys next time.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 30/04/2011 18:17

Bloody hell I must live in a different world

Our nights are usually ferrying dc to ballet/swimming etc
Getting uniforms/stuff for work/packed lunches ready
Organising bills/doing chores etc

We might fit in a quick shag between making sandwiches and Question Time a couple of times a week
I thought we were pretty much the average family in that area

You put your child in bed as soon as you get home and go to bed at 7?Shock
Do you have staff?

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 30/04/2011 18:22

Please do, ccpccp
Because when I read your posts I can hear Alan Partridge speak and it disturbs me

exoticfruits · 30/04/2011 18:24

I think that is why you make the most of the weekend away MoreCrack-the only problem being that they weren't both of the same mind!

Crawling · 30/04/2011 18:25

DP would be upset if I put my child in bed as soon as he got in he would never see them Sad.

ccpccp · 30/04/2011 18:29

Thats OK. Wouldnt want you to look silly when everone else understood it Wink

noodle69 · 30/04/2011 18:30

No I do a lot of it in the day. I meant when my husband gets home. My husband makes his packed lunch in the morning, my daughter has all her meals with me at the nursery (I work there). I do all bills online and I live in a flat not that much to do really. Suppose will she will go bed later when she is older as she is 3 and goes to bed mostly at 6pm.

noodle69 · 30/04/2011 18:33

cracking - My husband is off 3 days a week so sees them mostly then as she gets tired for 6 as she has to be up very early every day. He sees her for a couple of hours every morning as we are all up for about 5.45-6 and go to town together for work. He looks after her for a whole day one day a week as I am at work and he is at home with her. He also has all weekend with her.

alistron1 · 30/04/2011 18:36

I think the OP's DH needs a bit more finesse. All that saying 'shall we have sex?' is a bit unromantic. Having said that if we were having a weekend away sans kids in a hotel we'd only have one agenda together and it wouldn't be a 6 mile hike Grin

In our younger days we did do it outdoors in the lakes and were 'surprised' by an elderly rambler, I still blush at that one now!!

Aside from this weekend away I kinda get the impression that the OP and DH may have some sexual issues that need discussing.

Oh, and DP and I always hold hands when we go out together. It makes the kids gag - but we like it!!!

Crawling · 30/04/2011 18:43

My DP goes to work early before dc get up and gets in at 6 so if I put them straight to bed he wouldnt see them Grin I guess it shows we cant call families wrong or abnormal as everyone has there own way of getting around things.

ThePerfectFather · 30/04/2011 18:56

This is purely my opinion obviously, but the problem here is that when a man wants sex he is willing to debase himself to any level in order to get it. Women for some reason don't find this appealing.

I've been in your DPs shoes plenty of times with my wife where I want sex and she doesn't and I beg and plead and she tells me to fuck off. If we ever stay in a hotel I will basically assume that sex is a dead cert, especially since hotel sex is the best.

The trouble is - and please mumsnetters dont take this the wrong way - but SOMETIMES the begging works. Not saying it's classy, but hey...it must be nice to have someone begging you for sex, right?

diddl · 30/04/2011 19:15

I think a lot of women also think that a hotel stay=sex.

But maybe after a 6mile hike is an exception?

And does Travelodge=hotel?

unsurevalentine · 30/04/2011 19:21

We even hold hands when we're driving Blush

noodle69 · 30/04/2011 19:49

Diddl - Travelodge = place to have sex/get drunk thats why they are so cheap! Also you think travelodge is bad? You havent ever stayed in the Formule1 group hotels the tv is alarmed, the bed is a carpeted block on the floor with a mattress on, there are no staff and you dont even get your own bathroom! Never again will I be staying in one of those they make the travelodge look like the hilton Grin

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 30/04/2011 19:56

It seems like a common problem, doesn't it? I think they are only thinking of themselves and don't take a minute to see it from the other person's pov.

I wonder what would happen if, in that situation, you were to say

"fine. ok. clearly all you want is to use my body and you don't care if I am in the mood or not, my pleasure doesn't matter as long as you get to stick your penis into me. So go ahead. I'll be your blow up doll."

And throw yourself back on the bed and open your legs.

Maybe that kind of stark, dramatic, ott, clear message is what they need to truly understand what it is they are asking?

If one of you ever tries that, please let me know what he said!

diddl · 30/04/2011 19:58

Oh yes, I know what Travlodge is-I suppose I think of it more for an overnight when driving & not for a w/end with lots of sex!