Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For getting snappy with DP for nagging about sex?

217 replies

tiiredacheyandskint · 30/04/2011 10:02

Last week DP and I had booked a 2 day trip. First day involved a 6 mile walk through the dales - travel lodge - and then 2nd day to be spend in the lake district. So first day we did the 6 mile walk, it was blazing hot, I got quite bad sun burn - when we made it back to the travel lodge I was tired, achey and sunburnt and just wanted to flake out for an hour until we went out to find a resteraunt. DP however began nagging for sex AS SOON as we got back to the travel lodge. He went on and on about it, really presuring and pushing the issue. I told him I was going to get a bath and he kept saying things like "ok, sex first then bath?" or when I asked if he wanted a coffee he said "ok, coffee then sex?" it was really getting on my nerves but I didn't want to snap and end up arguing and spoiling the trip. In the end I gave in simply so we could actually get on with our evening without him nagging at me. So it turns out he couldn't keep an erection anyway!!! we tried twice, he couldn't do it. Finally we went out to dinner.

When we got back I made it clear I was absolutely knackered, so was he thankfully so we went straight to sleep.

5am in the morning I'm woken up by him touching me. I told him I was shattered and to let me sleep. He carried on. 6am I asked him to make me a coffee and so it startd again "ok, coffee first and then sex?" I'm not the most patient of people first thing in a morning so I could feel myself getting extremely irritated almost instantly. He made me a coffee, I began drinking it and he carried on trying to touch me up. I told him to leave me alone whilst I drank my coffee, he said "you don't need to do anything, you just drink your coffee and let me play with you" Hmm eventually I snapped and said "LOOK, WILL YOU JUST LET ME DRINK MY COFFEE???" he got off me instantly and a few minutes later asked "why are you in a mood?" so I replied "because I hate being nagged and presured for sex" he said "but I'm just trying to make the most of it! we don't get to stay out very often" so I said "and you have completely put me off by nagging at me about it". I've warned him before that nagging puts me off.

He later said he was concerned about his failure to maintain an erection the day earlier and wanted to make the most of the erection he developed early that morning. I explained to him that I can't just "be ready" whenever he develops an erection and nagging and pressuring is the worst way to go about it.

We didn't end up having sex at all whilst we were away.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 30/04/2011 11:59

"may have made it bearable" - oh yes that's what I think of when I have sex - it's bearable because obviously I don't have sex for my enjoyment Hmm

missymarmite - she made it perfectly clear. He chose to ignore.

Tortington · 30/04/2011 12:00

the root of the problem is his erection problems - he is obviously very worried about it and wanted to make the most of the morning blood rush - which on his part is understandable i think

however - NOTHING comes between me and my coffee in a morning, so yadnbu to tell him to do one!

now i think, he needs to get more confidence and sort out his erectile dysfunction - then you will both be happy...as long as its not time for coffee

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 30/04/2011 12:00

Well OP if you do need to make things clearer to your DP a simple NO should do it.

zikes · 30/04/2011 12:00

Meant to italic 'if', not 'it'.

Crawling · 30/04/2011 12:00

It works for me and a few people I know but be warned DP tried it as have a few others and jump out screaming so it seems to only work on some but for others it makes it worse no idea why though.

southmum · 30/04/2011 12:00

oh ccpccp is a dude?

ha, explains alot then

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 30/04/2011 12:01

A man who tried groping me when I was drinking coffee would have got it chucked over him if he'd already been told to leave me alone several times.

ccpccp · 30/04/2011 12:09

SGB is employing Feminist defence 101 southmum.

If you are losing an argument on MN (or in this case, being ignored because you sound like an extremist lunatic), accuse other posters of being men.

ChildofIsis · 30/04/2011 12:13

No-one should ever feel they have to give in to sex. That's archaic.

I would surmise that OP's DP felt he had something to prove, probably to himself.

Pestering for sex is usually to do with a genuine ;misguided; attempt to make a deep connection with the other person.
For some people actually talking about it seems impossible. Whilst pestering does sometimes bring rewards.

Treat him as you would a pestering child, ignore him.

Surely no-one would want to have sex with a non-compliant partner.
There's no point if you aren't both enjoying it.

Gay40 · 30/04/2011 12:19

Who in their right mind wants to have sex with an unwilling partner? Seriously?
I can't think of a bigger turn-off. There's always the issue of one partner in the mood and the other not, and there's always that bonus ball of seeing if the mood will change with a bit of romance etc - but nagging? Begging? Asking? FFS.

OP, you are not BU.

unsurevalentine · 30/04/2011 12:26

Amazes me how many women think that men think about sex as deeply as we do.....

dittany · 30/04/2011 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/04/2011 12:37

ccpccp - are you female? I think not.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/04/2011 12:43

ccpccp has virtually admitted to being a hairy trucker before so I wouldnt get too worried about what HE says, tbh

NulliusInVerba · 30/04/2011 12:45

Yes and ccpccp is employing the defence mechanism of "Dont answer the question, swerve round it with a sneaky put down".

Classic man.

dittany · 30/04/2011 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KarenWalker · 30/04/2011 12:56

YANBU - you shouldn't be constantly available.

YANBU also because it was a Travelodge - the likelihood/hotness of sex is in direct proportion to the poshness of hotel (I'm kidding).

Hope you can resolve disagreements - sex can be an important aspect of a loving relationship, but not to the point of being under pressure.

missymarmite · 30/04/2011 13:18

OP was BU to give in to the pestering and have sex when she didn't want to.

She was not BU to not want sex.

She was B a little bit U to resent DH for her giving in to his pestering instead of confronting him head on with a direct NO. No means no.

Stop faffing around the issue. Some people will take the piss if you aren't direct and to the point. Some people don't understand if you aren't direct. Hardly fair to have a go at them for not having mind-reading skills.

Maybe he is a dick, maybe he isn't, still we haven't heard his version of the story. Maybe he acted in the mistaken belief that he could change her mind by 'playing' with her. Some women do respond to that. I do with the right bloke. If I am not in the mood, and my partner, who I love, knows how to touch me right, he can turn me on, whether I want it or not in the beginning, I will want it when he finishes with me. Other women are different. Not fair to slate a guy for not understanding this, and not laying down the law firmly.

Morloth · 30/04/2011 13:26

Fucking Hell there are some fucked up people on this thread.

She said 'No' she doesn't need a reason, that's it she said No.

People really put up with this shit from the person who is supposed to love them best? Really?!

missymarmite · 30/04/2011 13:41

The OP doesn't say "I said no";

"I told him I was going to get a bath and he kept saying things like "ok, sex first then bath?" or when I asked if he wanted a coffee he said "ok, coffee then sex?" it was really getting on my nerves but I didn't want to snap and end up arguing and spoiling the trip. In the end I gave in "

The nearest she got to saying "no" was the next morning, when he had been waiting expectantly for sex all evening and night, and was probably a bit desperate;

"I told him I was shattered and to let me sleep. He carried on. 6am I asked him to make me a coffee and so it startd again "ok, coffee first and then sex?" I'm not the most patient of people first thing in a morning so I could feel myself getting extremely irritated almost instantly. He made me a coffee, I began drinking it and he carried on trying to touch me up. I told him to leave me alone whilst I drank my coffee, he said "you don't need to do anything, you just drink your coffee and let me play with you" eventually I snapped and said "LOOK, WILL YOU JUST LET ME DRINK MY COFFEE"

If she had said the night before "No, I am not having sex, and if you carry on like this you will be sleeping in the hallway" maybe he would have got the idea.

I may be wrong, but I am just paying devils advocate because the poor guy isn't here to explain himself.

It sounds like in his head he has been waiting for this break away hoping for lots of sex. Perhaps because in normal day to day life, the OP has been exhausted and not wanted sex for a while. Maybe she has been using this as an excuse for her lack of libido, ie I am tired looking after the kids etc...

I may be completely wrong, in which case, the OP will inform us of this soon, and the guy is a loser. If I am right, and the poor guy has been waiting for nookie for a while, then I feel sorry for him. I know what it is like to want it and not get it. If there is a mismatch in the libido of a couple it can cause a lot of tension. It isn't fair to expect either party to go without sex for a long time, just as it isn't fair to pressurise someone who doesn't want it.

Either way there are issues that need resolving. If it is an ongoing issue, then you obviously need professional help.

ThatVikRinA22 · 30/04/2011 13:45

that type of pestering and whining would leave me cold.

i would have slept on the bloody floor rather than cave in to pressure - or kneed him in the balls and gone home.

why should the op have sex when she didnt want to?

Morloth · 30/04/2011 13:51

Seriously, you feel sorry for him?

He doesn't have a right to sex you know, if we had just been for a walk and I had a sunburn, DH would have asked how I was and if there was anything he could do.

There are times on MN when I just can't get my head around the stuff that women put up with, it is just bullshit.

How much clearer can 'I told him I was shattered and to just let me sleep' be?

Who wants to have sex with the person they love when that person is tired and sore from sunburn?

missymarmite · 30/04/2011 13:53

You know, whatever. All men are bastards and how dare they express their desire for sex!

southmum · 30/04/2011 13:54

I dont feel sorry for the guy at all, infact he sounds as deep as a petri dish if you are right and he has been waiting with baited breath for this weekend away so he can just shag the entire time.

"Coffee first then sex?" "sex first then bath?" who the fuck talks like that anyway?!

southmum · 30/04/2011 13:56

Missy you are confusing desire with expectation