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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For getting snappy with DP for nagging about sex?

217 replies

tiiredacheyandskint · 30/04/2011 10:02

Last week DP and I had booked a 2 day trip. First day involved a 6 mile walk through the dales - travel lodge - and then 2nd day to be spend in the lake district. So first day we did the 6 mile walk, it was blazing hot, I got quite bad sun burn - when we made it back to the travel lodge I was tired, achey and sunburnt and just wanted to flake out for an hour until we went out to find a resteraunt. DP however began nagging for sex AS SOON as we got back to the travel lodge. He went on and on about it, really presuring and pushing the issue. I told him I was going to get a bath and he kept saying things like "ok, sex first then bath?" or when I asked if he wanted a coffee he said "ok, coffee then sex?" it was really getting on my nerves but I didn't want to snap and end up arguing and spoiling the trip. In the end I gave in simply so we could actually get on with our evening without him nagging at me. So it turns out he couldn't keep an erection anyway!!! we tried twice, he couldn't do it. Finally we went out to dinner.

When we got back I made it clear I was absolutely knackered, so was he thankfully so we went straight to sleep.

5am in the morning I'm woken up by him touching me. I told him I was shattered and to let me sleep. He carried on. 6am I asked him to make me a coffee and so it startd again "ok, coffee first and then sex?" I'm not the most patient of people first thing in a morning so I could feel myself getting extremely irritated almost instantly. He made me a coffee, I began drinking it and he carried on trying to touch me up. I told him to leave me alone whilst I drank my coffee, he said "you don't need to do anything, you just drink your coffee and let me play with you" Hmm eventually I snapped and said "LOOK, WILL YOU JUST LET ME DRINK MY COFFEE???" he got off me instantly and a few minutes later asked "why are you in a mood?" so I replied "because I hate being nagged and presured for sex" he said "but I'm just trying to make the most of it! we don't get to stay out very often" so I said "and you have completely put me off by nagging at me about it". I've warned him before that nagging puts me off.

He later said he was concerned about his failure to maintain an erection the day earlier and wanted to make the most of the erection he developed early that morning. I explained to him that I can't just "be ready" whenever he develops an erection and nagging and pressuring is the worst way to go about it.

We didn't end up having sex at all whilst we were away.

AIBU?

OP posts:
dittany · 01/05/2011 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 13:37

Whats your point and why does it matter dittany? Surely evenyone who posts talks about their life/experiences don't they?

Is that not okay with you?

Crawling · 01/05/2011 13:41

'The poor guy wanted a shag as they were in a hotel, he was tactless, insensitive and communicated poorly (as did she) but there is no indication to suggest he is abusing her mentally or privately knocking ten bells of shit out of her - and I work in that field?!!'

'and I have never once said I work with women who live in DA situations'

Bit of a contradiction there so what job do you have that is in the DA field?

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 01/05/2011 13:41

Form the OP "I told him I was shattered and to let me sleep."

I'd say that was a no.

Crawling · 01/05/2011 13:43

Well some people partners must be very stupid (or just not give a shit) because what the op said would have made my lack of interest in sex very clear to my partner.

unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 13:48

Children. I work with children who are victims - not women.

As PP's have said some men need to be told. Very clearly

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 01/05/2011 13:51

Well unless the OP's DP thinks it's okay to have sex with his DP while she is asleep I'd say "let me sleep." is clear.

Where is the OP btw Hmm

DaisyLovesMetronidazole · 01/05/2011 14:15

Forget male and female differences - If I wanted sex and dh didn't, and he communicated this to me in the form of "I'm having a bath now/having coffee now" I would interpret that as "We will have sex after my bath/coffee".

I think putting someone under pressure is unfair. I also think that not saying no outright puts someone in the position to interpret your "no" as "later". Thus, they have the potential to appear as though they are putting you under pressure.

dittany · 01/05/2011 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bumpsadaisie · 01/05/2011 14:40

What you've said in your post suggests that as a couple neither of you are particularly happy about how your sex life is. He has erectile problems and probably doesn't feel that you desire him and feels anxious about his chances of having sex, and inept about going about seducing you. You feel nagged at and put off the whole thing.

I don't think its particularly constructive to say its all his fault or all your fault. I don't think he is being abusive - he is trying his chances and short of an out an out definitive "no" from you he will keep on trying. You can't blame him too much for that.

I think the whole issue generally is fraught with difficulty. Speaking personally, I probably feel horny enough to initiate sex only once or twice a month (pregnant, small toddler not the least of the reasons why!) That said if I only have sex as often as I feel like initiating it, I feel distant from DH, grumpy and lonely and unhappy. Often I am not particularly in the mood, but I enjoy a massage and a stroke from DH, then as the intimacy between us increases I find myself getting quite up for it. Often I need him to do something to get things started. Once it gets going I enjoy it, and the next day feel much more relaxed and close to DH and happy that he took the initiative. I also find it a turn on to be seduced by him.

I think this is quite common scenario amongst married couples esp with young kids.

If your DH wants it and you don't (initially) it seems to me he needs to be much more sophisticated about how he approaches it. If my DH said "OK, bath first then sex, yes?" I would be irritated. Why can't your DH touch you in a nice way, give you a massage and a stroke etc. I am sure you would be much more up for it if he did that. But you have a role to play in educating him about this.

You do have to talk to each other. We had problems when every time DH tried to be affectionate in bed I thought it was cos he was after sex and that he would be annoyed if I didn't go along with it. We talked about it and he said it was much less "worked out" than that for him. He wasn't setting out to have sex - just for some intimacy and closeness. Of course a cuddle might get a bit more frisky but he wouldnt be cross if I didn't want to, all he asked was that instead of trying to subliminally send him a "no" message by being unresponsive, I just came out with it in a clear way so he knew where he stood and what I wanted.

Could you have this sort of chat with your DH?

Bellebelicious · 01/05/2011 14:49

Bumpsadaisie - he doesn't touch her and massage her in a 'nice way' because he doesn't really give a shit if she enjoys it - he wants her to open her legs so he can fuck her.

Got to say - being sunburnt in a travellodge with a whining partner would send my normally healthy libido plummeting.

Bumpsadaisie · 01/05/2011 15:29

Bellebelicious - I think based on the info we have so far that is an assumption too far.

ccpccp · 01/05/2011 16:05

Excellent post Bumpsadaisie.

You bullying the newbies again dittany? People are entitled to disagree with some of the MN feminist dinosaurs if they want to, without being slyly henpecked into line (or off MN if they dont) by you and the other drones.

unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 16:08

I'm not new!! Just name change a lot Grin

theoldbrigade · 01/05/2011 16:22

Hands up - who hasn't had sex rather than making love ?

Totally agree noone should be pressurised but it happens. That said, a partner waking me at 5am would be unable to perform for quite a while !!

Diggs · 01/05/2011 16:28

Im amazed at all the sympathy and support for this poor little man who spent an entire weekend whinging for sex like a child . What sort of selfish inconsiderate bastard wakes up their sleeping partner for sex , gets told to stop , but carrys on anyway ?

If the Op was saying her H woke her up at 5 am to iron his shirts everyone would be saying hes a selfish inconsiderate twat , but he didnt , he woke her up for sex , and thats allowed apparently . Hes not a fucking idiot , he doesnt need it spelling out because otherwise he,ll get confused , hes an adult man who knows damm that its basic respect to stop doing something when told to .

Im horrified any of you think it normal to sit and be played with while drinking a brew , or you think it ok to be woken in the night for sex . The comments about sex first then bath are vile , and i wouldnt want to go near him either .

Bellebelicious · 01/05/2011 16:37

I agree diggs - but apparantly there are still plenty of women who think it's OK for a man to finger and grope a woman, even if she's made it clear she's not interested and wake her up so he can fuck her (regardless of her inclination).

If only we could round up all these undoubtedly awful lovers and marry them off to these compliant women, the world would be a lot simpler.

millie30 · 01/05/2011 16:38

Men don't need to be infantilized. They don't need things spelling out to them time and again because they may not understand what no means, nor do they need pity because they are unable to unload the contents of their penis for a weekend.

The OP made it clear that she didn't want to have sex, and the women on this thread who are stretching credibility to find reasons to excuse the man's behaviour should be ashamed of themselves.

Bellebelicious · 01/05/2011 16:46

Men don't need to be infantilized.

Exactly Millie. Unfortunately it seems to suit some people (women and men) to do that. Men who don't want to take responsibility for their actions and women who get their self-esteem from mothering them. It's all pretty insulting really.

I've been in a relationship where my dp at the time had a much lower sex drive than me. It was difficult, so I would be sympathetic on that score, but I would never have dreamed of pulling away at his penis after he'd told me he wasn't interested and pestering him all evening for it. Firstly because I had too much self respect and secondly because I had enough respect for him.

petitepeach · 01/05/2011 16:56

Bumpsadaisie - you have just verbalised what I was thinking!
Sometimes you get into the habbit of not having sex for whatever reason - and any request becomes annoying - but really some of the responces on here are scary - do some women have to have a written invitation from someone they are supposed to care deeply about and are shouted down if said women are not 100% in the mood?
To the op maybe there are other issues, also he is probably worried about the errection issues, men worry about their performance and desirability too!
Nobody is telling anbody to lie back and think of England if they don't want to - but really a bit of give and take and understanding is the order of the day methinks.....

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 01/05/2011 17:01

"a bit of give and take and understanding" - the OP's DH apparently didn't see it like that.

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 01/05/2011 17:07

It's about respect. The OP's DP wasn't being respectful by pestering for sex or for groping the OP and continuing even after she asked him to stop.

nijinsky · 01/05/2011 17:07

It is posts like the OP's that make me think, in the same situation, I'd far rather be single. In fact, it makes me wonder why people are in couples at all.

Surely it is the OP's husband's fault without doubt? Firstly, for pestering her in such an off-putting way, and secondly, for not being enough of a turn on for her to want sex with him that much anyway?

The other option - the OP forces herself to have sex when she would rather not, is too depressing for words.

petitepeach · 01/05/2011 17:08

As I said a bit of understanding all round......some of these responces are horrible - 'leave him the wanka' etc etc....this is someones dp for crying out loud, there could be other issues...Sad

petitepeach · 01/05/2011 17:13

nijinsky you are very Angry......I presume your own relationship is mutually perfect and fulfilling in every way.....Hmm