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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For getting snappy with DP for nagging about sex?

217 replies

tiiredacheyandskint · 30/04/2011 10:02

Last week DP and I had booked a 2 day trip. First day involved a 6 mile walk through the dales - travel lodge - and then 2nd day to be spend in the lake district. So first day we did the 6 mile walk, it was blazing hot, I got quite bad sun burn - when we made it back to the travel lodge I was tired, achey and sunburnt and just wanted to flake out for an hour until we went out to find a resteraunt. DP however began nagging for sex AS SOON as we got back to the travel lodge. He went on and on about it, really presuring and pushing the issue. I told him I was going to get a bath and he kept saying things like "ok, sex first then bath?" or when I asked if he wanted a coffee he said "ok, coffee then sex?" it was really getting on my nerves but I didn't want to snap and end up arguing and spoiling the trip. In the end I gave in simply so we could actually get on with our evening without him nagging at me. So it turns out he couldn't keep an erection anyway!!! we tried twice, he couldn't do it. Finally we went out to dinner.

When we got back I made it clear I was absolutely knackered, so was he thankfully so we went straight to sleep.

5am in the morning I'm woken up by him touching me. I told him I was shattered and to let me sleep. He carried on. 6am I asked him to make me a coffee and so it startd again "ok, coffee first and then sex?" I'm not the most patient of people first thing in a morning so I could feel myself getting extremely irritated almost instantly. He made me a coffee, I began drinking it and he carried on trying to touch me up. I told him to leave me alone whilst I drank my coffee, he said "you don't need to do anything, you just drink your coffee and let me play with you" Hmm eventually I snapped and said "LOOK, WILL YOU JUST LET ME DRINK MY COFFEE???" he got off me instantly and a few minutes later asked "why are you in a mood?" so I replied "because I hate being nagged and presured for sex" he said "but I'm just trying to make the most of it! we don't get to stay out very often" so I said "and you have completely put me off by nagging at me about it". I've warned him before that nagging puts me off.

He later said he was concerned about his failure to maintain an erection the day earlier and wanted to make the most of the erection he developed early that morning. I explained to him that I can't just "be ready" whenever he develops an erection and nagging and pressuring is the worst way to go about it.

We didn't end up having sex at all whilst we were away.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 30/04/2011 20:15

Hecate - I did, with an ex (minus the blow-up doll comment). He predictably sulked (as he would any time I wasn't panting for him - which was rare) and said I was making him feel like he was going to rape me - no shit sherlock!

There were a few reasons why he is now my ex - that being one of them. In that particular incident it was all part of the control. I was on my way out with some friends - which he didn't want me to do.

Sex pestering generally comes with other red flags in the relationship. Not taking No for an answer exhibits a sense of entitlement and definitely a lack of respect. If the OP comes back and described her relationship further I would expect other little gems to emerge about this man's behaviour.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 01/05/2011 10:10

Scallops: I would agree with that. The woman has usually started going off sex because the man's an arsehole and not much good at it - men with this selfish, entitled mindset are almost always lazy round the house and unimaginative in bed. They can't understand the idea that women are human beings not just men's property and basically facilities.

unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 10:18

Why do so many of these threads degenerate into posters concluding that the OP us in an abusive relationship? Hmm

The poor guy wanted a shag as they were in a hotel, he was tactless, insensitive and communicated poorly (as did she) but there is no indication to suggest he is abusing her mentally or privately knocking ten bells of shit out of her - and I work in that field?!!

ccpccp · 01/05/2011 10:58

"Why do so many of these threads degenerate into posters concluding that the OP us in an abusive relationship? hmm"

If they didnt whip it up into a man hating frenzy unsurevalentine, then no-one would ever visit the feminism section.

unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 11:11

I don't. Ever. Loathe the whole feminist thing.

I love that we are different, I love having doors held open, I love being treated like a lady, I love feeling like when I am with my OH he is bigger and stronger than me and if I needed him to he could protect me. I love him because he can do DIY stuff and I haven't got a clue, I can cook and he can't even boil an egg, we fill in each others gaps and he is a bloke and can do stuff I can't and vice versa, I embrace that and I accept that I think on about 8 levels while he thinks on about two. He needs clear instructions, not hints and nudges, and he needs me to tell him quite clearly when he is being a dick.

He doesn't want me to nag - he wants me to tell him once and let him digest it and then come back having done that like it was his own idea.

And I don't mind being his sexual play thing either Grin

exoticfruits · 01/05/2011 11:39

I would say they have underlying problems that need sorting out or they wouldn't have wasted a precious child free weekend bickering!

flippinada · 01/05/2011 11:49

What field do you work in unsurevalentine?

I hope to god it isn't something to do with supporting women who've been abused because if so your attitudes are very disturbing.

Crawling · 01/05/2011 11:51

'And I don't mind being his sexual play thing either' eww gross and vomit inducing I would rather have self respect thanks.

unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 12:07

I was joking Hmm

Why is it disturbing to want a man to be a bloody man? Why is it not okay to want to fufill "traditional" roles? Men don't know where they are anymore as we have blurred the boundaries so much. They don't know what we want from them. Women want it all and I think we are as a sociaty very unfair to men sometimes and we scream abuse whenever they assert themselves, that is NOT to say I in any way condone any type of domestic abuse be in mental, financial or physical. In my late teens I was in a very asbusive relationship.

I have supported myself for the last 5 years, I have my own house and I can live fine without a man, I have brought my kids up alone.

When I am in a relationship I am happy to to the "traditional" womanly things - I am not hurting anyone and I am happy - why is that so wrong?

dittany · 01/05/2011 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crawling · 01/05/2011 12:13

I am a SAHM actually and do most household jobs however the difference is I refuse to see my partner as having more rights than me and that if he wants sex that is more important and overwrites my desire to not have sex, I think op can say no to sex at any point and not be nagged or presured into sex which you seem to think is unfair on him for her to have equal sexual rights.

dittany · 01/05/2011 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 12:16

Nothing dittany I was just replying to flippinada and wondering how on earth a husband pestering his wife for sex at 5am can then be turned into a relationship where DA is present.

The other week I posted on a thread where a pet was being possibily neglected and I suggested that there could possibly be DA and was jumped on.

unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 12:18

My partner doesn't have more rights than me.

The OP should've been clear with her DH in what she did and didn't want, which she wasn't which is why I feel she was a little unfair on him.

So what if I am his sexual plaything? We are in a sexual relationship together, we have sex (when we BOTH want to). What occurs within that is no one elses business?

exoticfruits · 01/05/2011 12:20

If you are down to talking about 'rights' you have problems!

unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 12:21

I wasn't...I was replying to Crawling....

Crawling · 01/05/2011 12:23

Because anyone who refers to themself as a inanimate sex object (like a fleshlight is a inanimate sex object) is sad, are you also his wank tissue too? What about his jizz rag? do you not see how degrading it is to think of yourself as a sex thing

unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 12:25

As I said I was actually joking.

But - what I refer to MYSELF as and what I am comfortable with is surely up to me - to be told by someone else what I am and what I am not is surely also degrading and demeaning?

WhiteBumOfTheMountain · 01/05/2011 12:27

Jumping in unsurevaletine t sounds as if the OP was VERY clear about what she wanted!

I agree with crawling..."Sexual Plaything" is a bloody disturbing thing to call yourself...it suggests and inanimate object...a nothing...a body with no mind.

Is that what you are UnsureValentine? A dead thing for your DHs fantasies?

WhiteBumOfTheMountain · 01/05/2011 12:29

Degrading and demeaning only in the sense that you may think twice about your view of yourself...I have DDs....I will aways speak out aginst crap that is peddled against women and sex.

flippinada · 01/05/2011 12:29

"Women want it all and I think we are as a sociaty very unfair to men sometimes and we scream abuse whenever they assert themselves"

Sorry, what do you mean by mean asserting themselves unsurevalentine?

I do find your attitude disturbing. The 'sexual plaything' comment was just yuck, even if you meant it as a joke.

I'm sure you must realise, if you work with women who have been in a DA situation, that many will have treated as 'sexual playthings'.

And by the way this - "I have supported myself for the last 5 years, I have my own house and I can live fine without a man, I have brought my kids up alone" - it didn't happen in a vacuum you know.

dittany · 01/05/2011 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InPraiseOfBacchus · 01/05/2011 12:40

He sounds like he has the sexual maturity of a teenager. At the risk of sounding incredibly harsh, how did you end up with someone like that?

InPraiseOfBacchus · 01/05/2011 12:46

"When I am in a relationship I am happy to to the "traditional" womanly things - I am not hurting anyone and I am happy - why is that so wrong?"

It IS fine, and you're NOT hurting anyone... IF you're clear that you're performing these roles because you choose to, and not because you think you are inherently more suited to them because of your gender. I'm sure you are, so as a feminist, I can respect that.

As for screaming abuse at anyone... I don't approve of any behaviour that would be seen as 'not ok' in any gender setup. I find it always helps me think about how I feel, ethically, about a situation, if I think about it with the genders reversed to see if it would 'be' any different.

unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 13:32

Not at all making it about me - just answering comments about my observations - and I have never once said I work with women who live in DA situations, and no they are not sexual playthings, they get raped and abused. I only made the joke as another poster had used that expression. It is not a phrase I would use normally about myself or anyone else.

I have actually got stroppy with my OH when he has not wanted sex on occasion and afterwards thought my behaviour was a bit Hmm. I am not abusive towards him though and we have a loving healthy relationship.

I disagree with a lot of posters here and I think that many women particually those who post on here over complicate a lot of situations and see "abuse" where there isn't any, and take themselves far too seriously and over think everything. The OP did not tell her DH clearly what she wanted - she tried to put him off, she didn't say "no".

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