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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For getting snappy with DP for nagging about sex?

217 replies

tiiredacheyandskint · 30/04/2011 10:02

Last week DP and I had booked a 2 day trip. First day involved a 6 mile walk through the dales - travel lodge - and then 2nd day to be spend in the lake district. So first day we did the 6 mile walk, it was blazing hot, I got quite bad sun burn - when we made it back to the travel lodge I was tired, achey and sunburnt and just wanted to flake out for an hour until we went out to find a resteraunt. DP however began nagging for sex AS SOON as we got back to the travel lodge. He went on and on about it, really presuring and pushing the issue. I told him I was going to get a bath and he kept saying things like "ok, sex first then bath?" or when I asked if he wanted a coffee he said "ok, coffee then sex?" it was really getting on my nerves but I didn't want to snap and end up arguing and spoiling the trip. In the end I gave in simply so we could actually get on with our evening without him nagging at me. So it turns out he couldn't keep an erection anyway!!! we tried twice, he couldn't do it. Finally we went out to dinner.

When we got back I made it clear I was absolutely knackered, so was he thankfully so we went straight to sleep.

5am in the morning I'm woken up by him touching me. I told him I was shattered and to let me sleep. He carried on. 6am I asked him to make me a coffee and so it startd again "ok, coffee first and then sex?" I'm not the most patient of people first thing in a morning so I could feel myself getting extremely irritated almost instantly. He made me a coffee, I began drinking it and he carried on trying to touch me up. I told him to leave me alone whilst I drank my coffee, he said "you don't need to do anything, you just drink your coffee and let me play with you" Hmm eventually I snapped and said "LOOK, WILL YOU JUST LET ME DRINK MY COFFEE???" he got off me instantly and a few minutes later asked "why are you in a mood?" so I replied "because I hate being nagged and presured for sex" he said "but I'm just trying to make the most of it! we don't get to stay out very often" so I said "and you have completely put me off by nagging at me about it". I've warned him before that nagging puts me off.

He later said he was concerned about his failure to maintain an erection the day earlier and wanted to make the most of the erection he developed early that morning. I explained to him that I can't just "be ready" whenever he develops an erection and nagging and pressuring is the worst way to go about it.

We didn't end up having sex at all whilst we were away.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Morloth · 30/04/2011 13:59

DH expresses his desire for sex, sometimes he even uses cheesy/stupid lines. Sometimes we have sex after said lines and sometimes we don't.

What he doesn't do is whine like a toddler wanting a sweety. Probably because he likes having sex with a willing partner rather than someone who just 'gives in' to keep the peace.

Says a lot about a person who would have sex with someone under those circumstances, nothing to do with being a man, lots to do with being a whiny arse.

Crawling · 30/04/2011 14:00

Good God how on earth do some women think men manage when they are single considering they seem to think men have this need for sex that must be fulfilled. Or do they only suddenly get this sex drive once married? I mean most men are single for years yet somehow survive going without sex without it causing major confidance problems or any other issues, or is that why rape happens? Does this theory that women need to bend over backwords to accomodate a poor mans high sex drive also extend to single women when a single man asks for a one night stand?

Have a bloody wank and get on with it I personally think this attitude to men is very degrading and if I was a man I wouldn't be happy with the belief I have no control over my dick and if denied sex will either get depressed, have a affair or be something worthy of pity.

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 30/04/2011 14:01

It's not about sex, it's about consideration. The OP's DP is expecting sex even though the OP is sunburnt. It speaks to me of a sense of entitlement with no consideration about how the OP is feeling when she's suffering from sunburn.

pjmama · 30/04/2011 14:02

What would the responses look like if it were the man refusing his wife I wonder?

I agree being nagged for sex is a big turn off. However, having to ask for sex from someone who is for the most part uninterested in you and keeps rejecting you is humiliating and hurtful. I speak from bitter experience.

I think whether or not your DH deserves a slap really depends on what your relationship is like generally.

southmum · 30/04/2011 14:03

Morloth - totally agree.

Also, call us boring bastards, but when me and DP go away for a nice weekend without the DC we like to do something a bit more, I dunno, together.....obviously it doesnt get more together than having sex....I guess I mean just spending time walking about, having lunch, sight seeing, holding hands etc, its not all just about shagging constantly just because we can I did that when I was 18 and in a shallow relationship

Morloth · 30/04/2011 14:09

Not us southmum we are at it like rabbits when they kids are gone.

pjmama sometimes I want sex when DH doesn't, thems the breaks once again being a grown up I suck it up.

unsurevalentine · 30/04/2011 14:11

Southmum I think that's really unfair and judgemental. OH and I get hardly any time together, and when we do a lot of the time we are juggling the needs of 6 kids and we don't get a lot of opportunity for spontaneous sex.

I love nothing more than spending the weekend being close with hom in bed.

Just because spending a weekend Shagging isn't your idea of a romantic weekend or "us" time don't think it's not anyone else's and for those of us who do like to do that are not bloody shallow and do not deserve such condesending comments.

southmum · 30/04/2011 14:14

Sorry Morloth, realise now I was kind of dragging you into the second part of my post without meaning to, I still had the post in my head further up where someone said maybe OPs H had it in his head it would be a weekend of sex

Congratulations on your rabbiting Grin

southmum · 30/04/2011 14:15

Unsure - its just what I think, no judgement at all, sorry you saw it that way.

southmum · 30/04/2011 14:17

also you read my post you'll see I said I was in a shallow relationship.

diddl · 30/04/2011 14:25

""you don't need to do anything, you just drink your coffee and let me play with you""

Christ, I don´t think that I´d want anything more to do with him after that.

Sometimes, I admit I can be "persuaded" if I´m just a bit tired.

But on the whole if I don´t want sex I don´t & I don´t have to give my husband a bloody reason for it either!

unsurevalentine · 30/04/2011 15:02

It was the crossed out bit that suggested it was aimed at others.

I just hate the whole school of thought that we as women "give" men sex.

Morloth · 30/04/2011 15:06

And I hate the thought that they are entitled to 'take' it whether we want to or not.

CatandDyl · 30/04/2011 15:11

YANBU, i think its awful when people beg for sex, or demand it like its a right.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 30/04/2011 15:29

'Clearly OPs DH desperately hoped they would have a little passion if his wife was lifted from the drudgery of day to day life and dropped in the fancy surroundings of a Travelodge.'

Hahahahaha
Are you Adrian Mole ccpccp?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 30/04/2011 15:34

It's maddening when anyone keeps on pestering for anything, whether it's sex, or money, or sweets, or for their turn on the computer. People who don't listen when they are told they can't have something are people who usually end up getting dumped/slapped/ignored/asked to leave.

smallmotherbigheart · 30/04/2011 15:35

The thing is being pestered isnt attractive. We aren't always in the mood for it, if he has an erectile problem though, try to be supportive because this will only make him feel like he cant turn you on. Yes, he blantantly finds you attractive but if he had been straight up (no pun intended) with you in the first place and told you about his concern you probably wouldnt have felt this way. I think you two don't really have a problem at all- the only problem is your husband has a concern that needs to be addressed. xx

ccpccp · 30/04/2011 16:18

Ahh the feminist section has turned up. I must have triggered an alarm.

I'll cut to the end of this thread and save us all the time - OP - your DH is a rapist. He didnt ask to snuggle up to you at 5am and so there is no consent. Therefore if you want, its sexual assault or something.

Please read the following books etc etc womensaid dominator etc angela eagle blah.

Morloth · 30/04/2011 16:26

So not getting any then ccpccp? Can't imagine why...

noodle69 · 30/04/2011 16:44

I dont think you should have sex if you dont want to and no one should feel pressured to do anything, but in this instance it sounds like their has been sexual problems for quite a while so it would be beneficial to have some time in a hotel/alone being together and enjoying sex/intimacy together.

you can have lunch, sightseeing, holding hands etc as well (surely you do something like that with your husband most weekends anyway and surely you hold hands with him every time you go out the house anywhere?) but sometimes it is nice to spend time having massages, relaxing in bath together, having all the time in the world to spend together and on each other. Its not about being 'boring bastards' its about spending time together alone. You dont only have to have sex but it is good to have time dedicated to one another for sex/intimacy when you are alone when you are not going to be tired/sunburnt/have been out on a 6 mile walk.

To the OP talk with your husband he is obviously feeling concerned about his erection problems, now you have told him how you feel how is he being with you, if he is being apologetic you need to work together to help him with this and tell him not to worry, have some more date nites and take it slow, kiss and watch tv together, lie in bed when you get in from work and the kids are down and have baths together with no pressure for either of you. It might help both of you - him with his erection problems, and you with not being turned on.

colditz · 30/04/2011 16:45

CCp- clue.

You're not getting any because your attitude to women appalls and disgusts them.

You're welcome.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 30/04/2011 17:04

Some of this thread is hilarious.

The shock that the luxury of a Travelodge wasn't enough to ignite OP's passion at 5am

And now this gem 'you can have lunch, sightseeing, holding hands etc as well (surely you do something like that with your husband most weekends anyway and surely you hold hands with him every time you go out the house anywhere?)'

Is that patronising crap designed to make others feel inadequate? Because dh and I don't hold hands everytime we leave the house, mainly because I am 31, not 7 Hmm

exoticfruits · 30/04/2011 17:05

Next time you go away without DCs it might be a good idea to discuss it first and have the same agenda.

noodle69 · 30/04/2011 17:09

What does it matter how old you are morecrackthanharlem my GPS got together at 18 but were holding hands every time they went out until my grandads death. My parents have been together since 14 and 40 years strong and do that to. Same as I do you dont have to be 7 to want to hold hand with your husband Hmm

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 30/04/2011 17:11

I find it a bit odd that there needs to be an agenda
6 mile walk+sunburn = not really in mood, surely?

Are people really so out of tune with each other?

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