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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I would post this in feminism but I've never posted there so .... AIBU to have emailed a company

192 replies

changingmynameagain · 25/04/2011 15:57

Backstory - am looking to get a pop up tent - how boring.

Anyway, stockists locally are a major sports/camping retailer.

I was on the website looking to find out if they had the tent I wanted in stock to go and buy it, but also so that they could demonstrate it to me - how it goes up and down.

Anyway, I'm on the website filling in the "contact us" form and the only options for "Title" are

Mr

Mrs

Miss

Now, call me pedantic but I'm divorced, so I'm not a Mrs. I'm not a never married so I'm not a Miss.

There was NO OPTION for Ms.

For some reason this really got my goat and in the comments box of the page I actually typed

"Oh and for your information there's no option in your title box for Ms. I am divorced, therefore I am not a Mrs. I was married, therefore I am not a Miss. Please could you get some of your IT boffins to insert the option for Ms. In this day and age, I think it is unfair that the only options available on the form for a woman to have as a title refer to her marital status."

And yes, I know it's trivial but it got right up my nose.

OP posts:
buildabridge · 27/04/2011 21:27

Oh goody, it's gone to 'feminism' topic so you can get the answer you 'actually' wanted, and feel villified... Hmm
Yawn.

Summerbird73 · 27/04/2011 21:59

buildabridge [cgrin]

GotArt · 27/04/2011 22:09

Double that buildabridge [cgrin] [cgrin]

I never really understood why these sorts of 'forms' need to know what my marital status is anyhow TBH. I never tick those boxes. The only one that needs to know is my income tax forms, which actually asks if I am single/married/common law/divorced/widowed

GotArt · 27/04/2011 22:10

changingmynameagain All it will come across in your email is that you are a pissy divorcee... probably will give the reader a couple of chucks in their day.

Summerbird73 · 27/04/2011 22:12

my favourite was the census form - asking me if my 2yo DS was bisexual, or in a same sex civil partnership now dissolved [cgrin]

of course DS was incensed and immediately posted on an internet forum for disgruntled toddlers

Summerbird73 · 27/04/2011 22:13

gotart i thought that too - it will be doing the comedy rounds now!

TransatlanticCityGirl · 27/04/2011 22:18

Yadnbu

I sent a similar email to Dixons just the other day.

However Ms is not what you become when you get divorced.

I am married and I am a Ms. And I was a Ms before that too.

The last time I used Miss, I was 12.

I find it offensive when people think a man defines my identity / how I am known.

mrz · 27/04/2011 22:24

JoanofArgos my response was lighthearted as I do not consider the omission of Ms on a form to be vitally important in the grand scheme of things however i now see that you and others clearly do.

TransatlanticCityGirl my identity is not and has never been defined by a man but I object to being called Ms.

Original poster
changingmynameagain · 27/04/2011 22:25

For the 2nd or 3rd time

The field was compulsory I had to leave it blank.

I actually posted on feminism on the advice of thefinerthingsinlife at the very start of the thread - I wasn't going to post there at all.

I am not obsessing about this, it was an observation based on an experience.

Isn't that what MN is about?

I have seen posts that are just as trivial.

But if the post is so trivial and posting on an internet forum is so offensive, then why are you here??

What is the point of being on here if you never post?

OP posts:
Original poster
changingmynameagain · 27/04/2011 22:26

damn I had no option to leave it blank

OP posts:
Freddiecat · 27/04/2011 22:29

I complained to Lufthansa last year when I booked tickets and was listed on the itinerary as MRS.

I pointed out that I am not married and that this would not match with my passport (I know title isn't on there but it still says I'm not married) and apparently that is the default and all women over 18 who fly with Lufthansa are MRS.

TransatlanticCityGirl · 27/04/2011 22:45

Mrz, I hate to break it to you, but if people address you differently depending on whether or not you have a man in your life, then your identity is in part defined by that man.

You may not feel like a different person, but your identity.. How you are known, is different.

And before you argue that your name is not your identity, why do they call it identity theft? Surely the thief has not stolen the essence of who you are. Just your good name and related details in order profit.

Aka your identity.

TransatlanticCityGirl · 27/04/2011 22:53

Oh pay no worry, changingmyname... On face value it seems like a trivial issue but some people don't recognise that all these little social conventions add up and actually reinforce inequality. The fact that some people don't like Ms makes me wonder why we are so desperate to ensure our marital status is broadcast to the world. Hmmmmmm.....

TransatlanticCityGirl · 27/04/2011 22:55

( and not suggesting for a moment that ms is the solution to all our woes - it is a relatively small issue. But how do you solve big problems when you can't even solve small ones?)

mrz · 27/04/2011 22:56

So if they address me as Mrs and there is no man in my life (he died 22 years ago by the way) my identity is defined by a man? Sorry but my identity is defined by who I am and my actions not by a few letters before my name.
If you want to go down the your name is your identity route then with or without a title I am defined by a man ...my father as I am named after him ...

TransatlanticCityGirl · 27/04/2011 23:03

Yes. Your name is defined by a man.

Not by your parents, just your dad and then your late husband.

My name (identity) was also initially defined by a man. My father, when I was born. But I didn't change after that.

mrz · 27/04/2011 23:07

Sorry but my name isn't what identifies me as a person and that is what is important.

mrz · 27/04/2011 23:10

and perversely I was never referred to as Mrs when my husband was alive Hmm

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 28/04/2011 07:36

"hardly a burning feminist issue"

It is though!

Mr = male
Miss = unmarried woman
Mrs = married woman

I mean, attempts are often made to make Ms mean a divorced woman!

so mr = male. Just male. Just a man.

But all the 'usual' titles for woman denote their marital status.

mr = male
mrs/miss = is this woman owned by a man other than her father yet.

basically.

And those who think it is not a feminist issue, think that it is not a big deal - I must disagree. It may seem minor because it's just a salutation. But that's not what it's about. It's about a woman being defined by her relationship to a man - either her father or her husband.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 28/04/2011 07:41

Hmm is salutation what I mean? title anyway.

note to self - never use big words in the mornings.

mrz · 28/04/2011 07:58

Mrs - shortened form of mistress

mistress

A woman in a position of authority, control, or ownership, as the head of a household:

A woman with ultimate control over something

Used formerly as a courtesy title when speaking to or of a woman. (interestingly no mention of marriage)

A woman well skilled in anything, or having the mastery over it.

A title of courtesy formerly prefixed to the name of a woman, married or unmarried

perhaps instead of fighting against it and adopting male models (Ms) women should take back the ownership of the title Mrs.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 28/04/2011 08:03

But the word mistress simply used to mean wife, didn't it? So she wasn't called mistress because she was a boss or had any authority, but because she was the wife of the Mister

mister - mistress

waiter - waitress

actor - actress

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 28/04/2011 08:04

main title, main name = male

add an ess on the end to make the female

I remember a thread recently about this, actually.

manager - manageress

Animation · 28/04/2011 08:09

Hecate - I like how you illustrate the Mr, Miss and Mrs feminist issue. It's the same in France.

The answer is Ms = all women.

mrz · 28/04/2011 08:14

No HecateQueenOfTheNight it meant any adult female ...missus - ~Mrs is from the 19thC

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