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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

i want my dd to wear pretty things in her hair

225 replies

AuntiePickleBottom · 03/04/2011 11:04

everything i put in her hair, she pulls out.
her fringe is long and gets in her eyes, can't get it cut as she will not stay still long enough.

i just wants her hair to look nice, instead of it looking like the end of a mop

OP posts:
Blackcoffeeandcigarettes · 03/04/2011 22:17

In my opinion, they are lazy. But that's just because I value taking care of myself as a self-discipline. It's my opinion and I'm entitled to it. I will teach my children (as well as the usual manners, respect et all) to make the best of themselves. There lives will be more pleasant. We are judged constantly in society. Rightly or wrongly. You all judge for some reason or other. Why make life harder than it has to be? Brush your hair, bung on a bit of lippy and your day will be better. It might not be a nice fact of life, but it's a fact. Perfect example was today buying cigarettes. I buy cigs everyday. Normally I'm in my suit for work, hair done make-up on high heels. I buy my cigs, have a bit of banter, laugh with the guy behind the counter and get my day off to a good start. Today I ran in soaking wet after going for a run. In my gym clothes, no make up on looking vile. The man behind the counter (same guy as usual) asked me for I'd and was vile to me, humiliated me infron of a Que of people. I couldn't cope if everyday I had to compete in little battles like that because I was judged on my appperence. I'm judged plenty in life generally, why make your life harder. And yes I know people will say Ita because I looked younger, I get that. His attitude was just completely different. It works with men to. Happens to my husband.

Blackcoffeeandcigarettes · 03/04/2011 22:24

Stewiegriffinsmom, I don't know why? I think it might be changing a bit though. Men are under a certain pressure to look good. The male grooming industry is a multi billion £ industry now, and male plastic surgery procedures are deffinatly on the increase. I think to a certain extent young men are under vast amounts of pressure to look good. Gym, tan, teeth,hair and clothing. Men are realising that in order to get the "best" women (and I say that purely on a visual idea) that they need to compete. And everyone judges instantly on how a person looks. Even if you say you don't. You do. Even fe a split second.

rockinhippy · 03/04/2011 22:28

Confused I expect my Men to make a BIG effort - DH takes longer to get ready than I doGrin

like a lot of things in life, its about personal choices & so long as those choices ARE personal & not pressurised - EITHER way -then IMHO - each to their own

I make an effort more than some & less than others, but thats always been MY choice, not because I've felt I had too - I've brought DD up to do it her way too - it just so happens that she LIKES to make an effort - thats HER choice

others like to just wash & go - thats fine by me, I wouldn't think any less of someone who chose not to make the same effort I do - neither one should be frowned upon, nor presumed its done out of a desire to please others or to "fit in"

& its absolute B@ll@x thats attractive women, especially those who do make an effort have an easier time of it - they might find it easier to get noticed, but find it a hell of a lot harder to be taken seriously, or seen as having anything valuable to add, & as a result have to work 3 times as hard & be as hard as nails to succeed

each to their own - even at 2

StewieGriffinsMom · 03/04/2011 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blackcoffeeandcigarettes · 03/04/2011 22:43

Your right, but I honesty don't think it will change. Society has always been that way, even in Egyptian times. Sad as it may be, I will keep doing as I do and teach my children to do the same. Coz it does make me feel better and there are plenty more fights in life than try and find something I don't ever beleive will change.
As for the man in the shop, I'll go in tomorrow, usual work get-up and remind him of how he spoke to me today and make him appolpgise to me. He'll pay attention, be embarrassed and apologise. Why? Because he is paying attention to me because of the way I look and values what I think of him.

StewieGriffinsMom · 03/04/2011 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blackcoffeeandcigarettes · 03/04/2011 22:53

I beleive in some way shape or form we are all judged, constantly. And there's no real fighting it. We all judge something or other to form opinions. I'm all for making the way people judge me a little easier, so I look and behave the way I do.
Your opinions are interesting and I can see your point of you. Deffinatly giving me something to think about although I don't fully agree. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me through. Too many times on mumsnet people just say "your wrong and stupid and I'm right" happens to often here and that way no-one grows.

StewieGriffinsMom · 03/04/2011 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blackcoffeeandcigarettes · 03/04/2011 23:12

Thanks, I'll have a look.Although I made the mistake of commenting on a feminist thread a few weeks ago and was torn a new arse hole! Interesting subject though. Thanks x

StewieGriffinsMom · 03/04/2011 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 04/04/2011 00:34

OK there are times and places when men (and boys) are expected to make more of an effort with their appearance as well eg weddings and formal occasions. to an extent I think that's one of the times parents should be teaching DC (of any gender) that there are occasions when people are expected to dress and behave in a certain way and that it would be rude to turn up in paint-stained jeans, with unbrushed hair, and smelling a bit. But that should still be within reason - I am not at all keen on the fashion for adult-ish, uncomfortable formal wear for very small children.

Deliainthemaking · 04/04/2011 01:13

I dont really agree with making a 2yr old wear hair stuff

does she even have that much hair??

nooka · 04/04/2011 01:20

Interesting how concepts of 'taking care of yourself' differ from person to person. I'd say it was essentially about living a healthy life and being true to yourself, and has absolutely nothing to do with attempting to look pretty. So looking at Blackcoffee's posts I find it very very hard to reconcile that she smokes. To me that is the epitome of living an unhealthy life whereas wearing lipstick, heels etc is utterly irrelevant.

I'm bringing up my son and daughter to think at least a little bit about how others perceive them, but mostly this is about their behaviour not their looks. I do encourage them to wear clean clothes, brush their hair, shower regularly etc but that's as far as it goes, and really that's as far as I think it should go at this point in their lives (they are 10 and 11). Learning what to wear in particular venues/occasions is somethign I associate with adulthood really. In my view all children are fairly beautiful because they are young and full of expectations and generally more overtly happy (I think happiness is the most important quality in beauty).

MollyMurphy · 04/04/2011 03:54

Your being unreasonable if she doesn't want pretty things in her hair. Its her hair. Pick your battles mamma.

Morloth · 04/04/2011 04:30

Jut cut her bloody fringe if it is in her eyes.

She won't like it, she may wriggle, but a couple of snips and the problem is solved for a couple of months.

Like everysprings strangely enough I have never encountered the need to keep my DS's hair out of his eyes with clips, is it only little girls who suffer from constantly growing hair?

She doesn't want shit in her hair, you can tell, because she pulls them out, take the hint, if she can't see because of the hair, cut it.

iscream · 04/04/2011 05:29

Take her for a cute short cut.

seeker · 04/04/2011 06:05

I hate it when people say disingenuous things like-

"I just want to keep the hair out of her eyes"

No, you don't. If you did , you wouldn't have posted "I want dd to wear pretty things in her hair" You would have posted "Dd has very floppy hair - how can I keep it out of her eyes?"

How would you solve this problem if she was a boy?

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 04/04/2011 06:25

Yes, Morloth, it is a well known scienterrific fact that little boys don't have constantly growing hair. Someone said upthread that the reason this issue (hair clips) doesn't come up with little boys is "because they have short hair". Clearly this is a natural phenomenon and nothing at all to do with the fact that people just sack up and cut boys' hair instead of faffing around with fancy clips.

Blackcoffee, genuine question - do you also think that racism and homophobia are inevitable and not worth fighting against? Or is it just sexism?

Morloth · 04/04/2011 06:39

There are times when I wish I could have a daughter but mostly I am glad I don't have to try to convince someone that who she is far outweighs what she looks like, when the whole world is telling her the opposite.

DS just doesn't care what he looks like, it just doesn't occur to him to care, I like to think that is down to us but I think realistically it has more to do with the fact that his achievements are praised by others and not his looks.

Of course there are other things to worry about with boys but their lives just seem so much more 'free' than their female peers.

bonkers20 · 04/04/2011 06:44

That parents are putting pretty things in the DDs' hair is quite evident from the amount of places you can buy such stuff. Whether it's right or wrong is another issue, but to dump on the OP is really a bit harsh.

Is anyone going to admit that they enjoy making their DD look pretty without much thought about it?

As for not sitting still....take them to a hairdresser or barber. You can hold and distract the child while they do their Edward Scissorhand thing.

seeker · 04/04/2011 07:16

5 loved making my dd look pretty. But I don;t pretend that I was doing somethng practical, or solving some complex problem by doing it.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 04/04/2011 07:19

I enjoy making my daughter look pretty too. But no, I won't admit that I do it 'without much thought about it', because I do think about how I bring her up and what I'm teaching her about her self-worth.

Also, she hates hair clips, so I figured they must be uncomfortable, so I just cut her fringe rather than insist that she put up with discomfort just so that I could show her off. Oddly, it was the complete opposite of a huge drama.

exoticfruits · 04/04/2011 07:21

I think that one of the reasons that people want girls is because they look forward to the clothes, styling the hair etc which is fine-what they have to bear in mind is that they may have a girl who doesn't like the same clothes, wants short, practical hair etc- and they have to respect it.
There is no problem-DD doesn't want things in her hair so don't put them in. Get her hair cut-she can be just as pretty!

mollycuddles · 04/04/2011 07:26

Dd1 didn't have much hair until she was 3 and she went through a massive princess stage for about 4 years. I just went with it and thankfully she grew out of it. Now she prefers practical clothes and comfort. She does have long hair because she wants it that way. She wears plain clips and ties when she has to have it out of the way eg for sport. Her hair is beautiful but if she wanted it cut I'd be happy. She's nearly 10. There are girls in her class with dyed hair who wear fake tan and lots of bling. They had a school trip in January to an adventure centre and these girls wouldn't do any of the messier activities eg bouldering. Very sad.

Blackcoffeeandcigarettes · 04/04/2011 09:12

you got me with the smoking! no its not healthy, It sounds very shallow of me. but I can see the damage it's doing, And i'm completely addicted. Managed to stop all the bad habits from my "old" life (food,alcohol,drugs) but cant seem to kick the cigs. wish I could.

To a certain extent, I don't think certain levels of homophobia or racism will ever disappear. Its not right, but like sexism, I believe it's so engraved in some areas of society it wont disappear. look at the marches in Blackburn this weekend and the stance of some religion on homosexuality. I don't believe their minds will ever be changed. I feel its all about helping the people that come into contact with you make their own opinion up about you, and if something as simple as making yourself look nice gives a good 1st impression. I feel thats one less snap judgment that most people will pass on you.
People aspire to look "nice" thats why the fashion and beauty industry is so huge. I just don't seem the harm in making it a way of life.

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