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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect the parents-in-law-to-be to help out with our wedding?

202 replies

nearlyuptheduff · 28/03/2011 14:39

So far my parents have footed the WHOLE bill, his parents have not offered to help or contribute.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 28/03/2011 14:40

yabu

massive sense of entitlement too. Why are you letting other adults pay for your whole wedding?

And yet you still want more????

mollymole · 28/03/2011 14:41

YANBU - these days i thought it was shared by all involved - are they very poor and cannot afford it, or are they a mean - what does you husband to be say

GypsyMoth · 28/03/2011 14:41

yabu!!!

its 2011 not 1950

steamedtreaclesponge · 28/03/2011 14:41

Well, traditionally it's the bride's parents who pay. Personally, I think the people getting married should foot the bill and if anyone else offers help that's a bonus. Presumably you and your husband-to-be are adults? Why aren't you paying for it yourself?

Of course, it would be nice if your pil-to-be wanted to get involved and help in any way, but YABU to expect it.

PorkChopSter · 28/03/2011 14:42

How much are you contributing to your wedding?

Bluemoonrising · 28/03/2011 14:42

I think YABU to 'expect' anyone to pay for your wedding.

It is your wedding. Not your parents, and nor your PILs either.

If they wish to and are able to help, then you should be grateful, but you should not expect them to.

You don't know their financial circumstances.

FollowMe · 28/03/2011 14:42

I thought these days everyone paid for their own weddings!! Shock

Rosedee · 28/03/2011 14:42

Why aren't you paying for it yourself? Yabu.

FluffyDonkey · 28/03/2011 14:42

YABU

It's your wedding - why don't you pay for it? Why are you letting your parents pay for it?

Original poster
nearlyuptheduff · 28/03/2011 14:43

We, as a couple have bought a LOT of stuff too. He has a huge family and I have a small family yet my parents have paid for the reception and hotles for his family to stay in when they come to the wedding....

I don't expect anything but an offer of a small contribution is surely good manners....?

He is MORTIFIED that his folks have sat back and let everyone else pay for it.

OP posts:
Glitterknickaz · 28/03/2011 14:44

YABU.
Either pay for it yourself or have the wedding you can afford on the money you have now. It's great your parents are contributing but it shouldn't be an expectation of his parents.

We paid for ours ourselves.... less than £500 most of it off ebay. Weren't going to have a reception but mum paid for a buffet, certainly didn't expect it though.

Glitterknickaz · 28/03/2011 14:44

oh and don't pay for his family hotel, they want to stay they can pay

LaurieFairyCake · 28/03/2011 14:45

He shouldn't be 'mortified' - you are all adults - if your parents don't want to pay for his family then they shouldn't.

You can only have someone walk all over you if you let them.

thefurryone · 28/03/2011 14:45

You said expect so everyone is going to tell you that YABU which you are. They have no obligation to pay for anything, and even if you post a further drip feed informing us that his parents are loaded you will still BU.

Rooble · 28/03/2011 14:45

Totally. Why should they? I think it's unreasonable to have a wedding that's more expensive than you as a couple can afford unless your parents have specifically offered to pay for it in advance.
In fact, why are you happy for your parents to foot the WHOLE bill? Aren't you a bit embarrassed not to be contributing?

emsyj · 28/03/2011 14:45

YABU. If your parents want to contribute then that's up to them, but it doesn't impose an obligation on your future in laws.

If you are very worried about this, you could tell your parents to keep their money and just pay for it all yourselves. That way, your parents don't have to feel resentful and you don't need to worry.

ilovesooty · 28/03/2011 14:45

If he's that mortified perhaps he'll ask them to pay their own hotel bill. Otherwise I think YABU to "expect" financial contributions from others.

Oakmaiden · 28/03/2011 14:46

I do think it is unreasonable that your parents are having to pay for hotels for his family to stay in - that should definitely be something they should be funding themselves!

The reception - traditionally bride's parents pay, but as others have said, if you are both working it is becoming more usual to pay yourself. But if your parent's are happy to do it, then why not!

BaadRobot · 28/03/2011 14:48

I'm sorry OP but YABU. I was the same as you, massive sense of entitlement, assumed my parents would pay for my wedding. I was grossly mistaken!

My parents aren't together - my father paid an amount he felt comfortable with, after I asked him to, as he hadn't offered. It was far less than I thought he would want to pay (yes I was a spoilt brat, clearly!) Then my FIL paid for something else which added to the same amount my dad had paid. My husband and I covered the rest ourselves. We paid for two thirds of the entire costs, which was a massive shock at first (for me) as we were skint! But once I got over myself, I realised how spoilt I was being and I'm glad we did it that way.

Hammy02 · 28/03/2011 14:49

I don't think you're being completely unreasonable. It does seem very odd to me that your parents are paying for his family's hotel costs?! I would be embarrassed if I was a guest and someone else was paying for my bill! That is outrageous.

Original poster
nearlyuptheduff · 28/03/2011 14:49

OK OK, Let's get this straight....

My parents are happy to pay for most of it.... We have bought a lot and chucked all our savings at it.

The point is.... his parents have a HUGE family that they want invited, yet, they have not given us or offered us a single bean.

My Dad, has booked a hotel for his family and has organised taxis for them for the day.....

Should his folks not offer to cover at least those costs?

OP posts:
upahill · 28/03/2011 14:49

You are being silly.
Why in this day and age do you expect anyone to pay for your wedding?

My parent's offered to pay for mine but I refused. I am a grown woman for goodness sake and so are you.

mamatomany · 28/03/2011 14:51

Don't get dragged into the whole circus of paying for hotel rooms, drinks, breakfast, boarding kennels for the family goldfish, matching crap for the tables.
Work out what you actually want from the day which are the important bits. For example I wanted lovely photo's, video and a designer dress, DH wanted a decent suit, a good meal and a church wedding.
And so that was it, we had hardly any flowers, not interested, bridesmaids wore their own clothes, nobody was put up in a hotel by us.
You can't have it all unless you are marrying a footballer.

upahill · 28/03/2011 14:51

OK x posted.
I still think YABU.
If your dad wanted to pay let him get on with it but tbh I wouldn't have let my dad do that in the first place.

My mum adn dad it turned out had saved for a few years for my wedding. They were told to spend it on themselves on a holiday that they always wanted to do.

I am so glad they did.

Glitterknickaz · 28/03/2011 14:52

His individual relatives should pay for their own accommodation and taxis, that is reasonable. No idea why your parents paid for that.

No obligation to your future PIL to pay a single penny, it's optional.

I'd suggest then that perhaps your DP cull some family members' invitations? Or you downgrade the style of wedding?