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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect the parents-in-law-to-be to help out with our wedding?

202 replies

nearlyuptheduff · 28/03/2011 14:39

So far my parents have footed the WHOLE bill, his parents have not offered to help or contribute.

AIBU?

OP posts:
gysela · 28/03/2011 17:23

Tell us OP what is the WHOLE bill your parents have footed so far?

CotswoldCountryMummy · 28/03/2011 17:26

i think the in laws are being unreasonable. It's as plain as the nose on your face. Why are they not sharing the costs? Why are they expecting your parents to foot the bill for their side of the family? It's damn rude in my opinion. It it the 21st century - gone are the days where the brides parents paid for the lot?
They are being incredibly bad mannered. Getting married is hideously expensive, and it's unfair and TOTALLY unreasonable for them to expect your parents to pay for their enormous family.

YANBU at all. I think your fiancee needs to have a quiet word about sharing some of the costs.

BlueFergie · 28/03/2011 17:26

OK in general I think you are being UR. Your wedding you pay for it. Asking anyone for a contribution to it is beyond cheeky. But I would not stand for this sort of behaviour from you PILs either.

  1. Tell them there are limits to the number of peole being invited. Give them a number of people they can invite (agree it with DP) and let them decide who they will be. If they kick up just say you can't afford anymore. My sister did this for her wedding and my parents paid for the extra peole they wnated there. They tried to do this with me as well but it wasn't a money issue for me it was a size one. I didn't want loads of extra people.
  1. Tell them your dad has reserved the rooms and taxis for their guests so that it is all organised for them. Then let them know that the guests can settle up themselves on check out and the taxis should be x amount.

Do not under any circumstances ask your PIL to contribute to the wedding. It is not fair to pressure them to pay for something like that just because your parents are. I personally think weddings are a huge waste of money and I won't be spending my hard earned cash on my kids ones. If their partner's parents want to thats their look out but it wouldn't have any influence on my decision.

CotswoldCountryMummy · 28/03/2011 17:27

i don't think that's any of your business really gysela, and its certainly not relevant. It's the height of ill manners to ask people how much money has been spent!

LDNmummy · 28/03/2011 17:28

YABU, you are an adult, pay for it yourself or subsidize what your family is paying.

You could have said no to inviting his massive family but I am assuming you have chosen to have a big wedding anyway. That is your choice then isnt it.

I would not ask my parents to pay for my wedding, especially not if I wanted a big one.

If your family have offered to pay, then why is it his family's obligation to keep up with it.

Have you actually asked them to help out and they have said no?

expatinscotland · 28/03/2011 17:29

'Getting married is hideously expensive, '

Costs about £100, actually, for a registry office marriage ceremony.

For a church wedding, most churches are willing to work with parishioners who are low-income, and some will even perform it free of charge for regular worshippers who have financial difficulty.

Pandamoanium · 28/03/2011 17:33

Wow! This thread has made me think a lot as the parent of 2 DSs. But, as we are paying loads for their Uni fees & living expenses I think they will have to fund their weddings themselves.

Any spare cash we have will go on funding our own retirements! Expensive weddings are totally daft IMHO.

CotswoldCountryMummy · 28/03/2011 17:35

Google "How much is the average wedding"
It's over £20,000.
Not everyone wants to get married in a R.O.
The girl in question certainly doesn't and isn't, and why should she?
I don't see how everyone thinks it's acceptable that her parents should pay for all her in-laws friends. It's their son getting married after all. They should offer to contribute.
I'm very lucky that My parents paid for my entire Wedding and honey moon. They insisted on it, and i feel incredibly lucky. But i have some friends whose parents aren't that well off and both sets of parents went halves.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2011 17:38

Because if you can't afford otherwise, you marry how you can rather than expect others to pay for your lifestyle choice.

PrincessConsuelaBananaHamok · 28/03/2011 17:39

Cotswold, how do you feel about beggaring your parents for your Big Day, though?

StewieGriffinsMom · 28/03/2011 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fairtradefloozy · 28/03/2011 17:39

Yes, please get DF to talk to his family. It is grossly unreasonable to expect their hotel/taxis to be paid for by your family.

However, your dad is an absolute poppet for having asked them as I am sure he is just trying to do the right thing by you and make friendly with the in-laws to start everything off nice and cosy and on the right footing. So make sure he knows you appreciate the gesture and all that ...

StewieGriffinsMom · 28/03/2011 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrandyAlexander · 28/03/2011 17:40

I agree with expat (and dh and I spent a lot on our wedding). The thing that stayed withme we met with our priest intially was that he said everyone goes on about weddings costing a fortune. He said they don't, that it costs £60 for a certificate and everything else after that is a choice. Never asked whether he incluced the donation we gave the church! Wink

upahill · 28/03/2011 17:40

I don't see how everyone thinks it's acceptable that her parents should pay for all her in-laws friends. It's their son getting married after all. They should offer to contribute.

Everyone doesn't think that ist is acceptable that her parents contrubute and her future in laws don't.

People are saying pay for your own wedding and stopping being so U as to expect other poeple to pay.

usualsuspect · 28/03/2011 17:41

20000 is an obscene amount to spend on a wedding ..especially if you are expecting someone else to foot some of the bill

Babbit · 28/03/2011 17:42

Perhaps they think your dad has just booked hotels and taxis and they are to be paid for on checking out (usual) and when the taxi drops them off. That's what I would think in this situation. Has he actually paid already? If so, why? And do they know this?

BlueFergie · 28/03/2011 17:42

I don't think anyone is saying that it is reasonable for her Dad to pay for the in laws friends hotels and taxis, however the OP seems to think that her ILs should contribute to the overall cost of the wedding. If her question was AIBU to expect wedding guests to pay for their own accommadation/ transport, I think she would have got a different response.
Hotel and taxi costs for guests are not normal wedding costs, I cannot understand at all why OPs Dad agreed to pay for them.
OP did your Dad ring your in laws and volunteer to cover these costs or was the call about something else and they just announced to him that they needed x number of rooms and x number of taxis?

goodbyemrschips · 28/03/2011 17:43

My parents paid for my wedding lock stock and barrel.

pil paid for nothing.

At the reception there was a free bar and fil [at the bar] said

''i will help you with that''
[when my dad was sorting out the bill]

and fil continued and said ''i will have a double brandy''

and it carried on throughout our marriage [21 yrs] my pil doing nothing.

diddl · 28/03/2011 17:45

What I don´t understand is why PILs are having so big a say in who is invited.

We paid for our wedding & invited who we wanted.

When MIL started mentioning obscure relatives who she felt ought to be invited, we told her that if she wanted them at our wedding so badly, she was welcome to pay for them.

upahill · 28/03/2011 17:45

I can see me being the subject of a thread in years time because I have no intention of paying towards DS's future weddings!
Then they can sort themselves out and have the wedding they want with or without me.
They will get a donation towards a honeymoon or towards a deposit or what the helll they want to do with it but I am keeping my nose out of the wedding.

I really dislike weddings.

(like going to them mind!!)

PaisleyLeaf · 28/03/2011 17:45

nearly, how come your dad's paid up front for hotel and taxis?

diddl · 28/03/2011 17:46

TBH, if OPs parents want to pay, that´s up to them.

grovel · 28/03/2011 17:48

diddl, I agree so long as they end up with the wedding they want.

CotswoldCountryMummy · 28/03/2011 17:49

i didn't "beggar them" to pay the bill.
If i had my way we would have eloped to Thailand and got married on the beach, just the two of us, but it would have broke my Father's heart. He told me. We could have paid for our own wedding, but he would have been incredibly hurt. He's very traditional, and he took great pride in being financially responsible.