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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect the parents-in-law-to-be to help out with our wedding?

202 replies

nearlyuptheduff · 28/03/2011 14:39

So far my parents have footed the WHOLE bill, his parents have not offered to help or contribute.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ipswichwitch · 28/03/2011 15:33

if his parents want their entire family inviting then tell em TOUGH!!! end of the day it's your wedding, you can invite who you like, and if they don't like the fact you haven't invited some distant relative who doesn't even send you xmas cards and is frankly only going to show up for a free feed, thats their problem.
in my humble opinion i think it's too much to expect anyone else to pay for our wedding. we're the ones who wanna get married, and it's for that reason we will have to wait a bit to save up (esp now i am up the duff :). i would rather wait 10 years n do things our way than have someone else pay for it then start expecting what they want.

bubblecoral · 28/03/2011 15:35

Your In Laws should pay for their own individual costs, but couldn't they have been given the accommodation details to book themselves in had they wanted to? That way they could choose to stay there or somewhere cheaper, or not stay at all.

It's unfair to expect them to pay without giving them a choice about theior accomnmodation and transport, it seems a bit wierd that your Dad would organise that without knowin what people wanted.

supadupapupascupa · 28/03/2011 15:35

i think you need to clarify with pil that they are all paying for their own hotels and taxis. presumably if your parents booked them they are happy with the numbers for the reception. you never know, it might not be an issue.

i would be upset if other people were deciding on who is or is not invited to my own wedding which seems to be the case regardless of where the finance comes from.

it seems you feel the same and this is compounded by the pil not contributing.

if it was me, i would go over the guest list and even up the two sides a bit, and clarify who is paying for what. if your parents are happy i would just let it go......

LeQueen · 28/03/2011 15:35

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thefurryone · 28/03/2011 15:37

Your first post does make you sound totally unreasonable, but I've read the rest of your posts. Are you absolutely sure that your future PIL expect all of their family hotels etc to be paid for by your Dad?

I'd be very surprised if this is the case, but if so then YANBU but then you need to make it clear that that is what is happening, but you and your finance also need to take some responsibility and make sure that your future PIL are aware that this is not actually the case and that all he has done is make things more convenient for them by booking hotel rooms and taxis because he has the contacts etc in place.

You could also have said (actually can still say if the invites have not gone out) no to inviting extended family on the grounds that your budget doesn't stretch that far. Sounds like you and your finance just need to have a chat with his parents.

HubbaHubbaBubba · 28/03/2011 15:37

My parents and I paid for our wedding. My dad wanted to contribute (old fashioned I suppose), and DH and I wanted to too, so we (both sides) budgeted accordingly (for example I paid for my dress, my bridesmaids' dresses, groom's clothes etc, our rings, the photographer, the decorations (well, I made those, and also made the invitations and orders of service)), and my parents paid for the food and wine and the venue.

My ILs didn't pay squat. I was surprised and a little bit pissed off (they knew my parents were paying a lot too). They also have no daughters, so no other costs to contribute to other weddings (whereas my dad has three of us and the traditional man in him would want to contribute to all of our weddings).

If you come from a family where parents still pay for some of the wedding, it IS odd for the ILs not to contribute. YANBU (IMHO!)

LeQueen · 28/03/2011 15:37

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

belgo · 28/03/2011 15:38

TBH it sounds as if your inlaws are a lot more careful with money then you and your parents.

Are you really putting all of your savings into just one day?

gysela · 28/03/2011 15:39

What is your DP's stance on all this anyway? I get from your post he is mortified but what has he done about it? Has he told his parents these 15 cousins cant attend because you cant afford it as a couple? Is he giving them the impression he can afford it when he is not the one paying? He should call your parents and refuse their offer to pay for his parents hotel etc. I am assuming they havent actually paid for it yet just put their card details down or something like that.......

cat64 · 28/03/2011 15:40

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Hammy02 · 28/03/2011 15:41

HubbaHubba. I think you've hit the nail on the head. It is odd for one side to pay something towards the costs and not the other.

cat64 · 28/03/2011 15:41

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belgo · 28/03/2011 15:43

I think it's very odd that the bride's father has booked hotels for the groom's family, but if he did it without consulting the other family, then it's his responsibility to pay for the rooms.

upahill · 28/03/2011 15:43

'Sorry if your parents didn't help you out, my parents want to be a big part of our day and want us to have the best day possible, who am I to stop them'

Steady on! Have you not read the posts!!

I have said a couple of times my parents wanted to but were told very nicely to go and have a fantastic time themselves. They came to the wedding and had a ball. They also had nearly 4 weeks travelling round America going to the places my dad had dreamt of for years (funnily enough while saving for my wedding!)

So going back to your question about who are you to stop them _ you are a grown women who could say 'It's lovely of you mum and dad my I really really wnat you to blow it on yourself and have a ball!!

Pennies · 28/03/2011 15:45

YABU (unless you're Kate Middleton in which case the PILs should take the brunt of it seeing as they're the reason it's such a big do).

PaisleyLeaf · 28/03/2011 15:45

I guess that's what happens when you let others pay for it. The dad is being a bit of a busybody, but as he's paying for most of it what can you do?

BrandyAlexander · 28/03/2011 15:45

Both our parents were a huge part of our wedding and we even gave them each a table so they could invite their close friends to share in their happiness of the day. Our wedding cost in excess of £50k and despite PIL offering to foot the bill for the entire thing, we politely said no thank you, paid for the entire wedding and organised it ourselves. In the 21st century, I wouldn't expect anything else. So yes, I still think YABU.

Anhel · 28/03/2011 15:46

I was very lucky in that my parents put in a contribution to our wedding and we were mildly suprised that DH's parents didnt offer anything (they are v generous people). However, we didnt expect anything from anyone and said nothing at the time. We then got a very generous cheque from DHs mum and dad for a wedding present so I wouldnt suggest saying anything to your PIL.

As most people on here have said you shouldnt expect anything from anyone its your wedding. You need to sort out the hotel issue and agree your guest list within your budget - if you cant afford the extra cousins then say so and if PIL definately want them to go you could broach the issue then maybe?

Wedding planning is stressful - I hated it!

ENormaSnob · 28/03/2011 15:47

Yabu

TheSecondComing · 28/03/2011 15:47

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyMummyOfOne · 28/03/2011 15:50

YABVU, i'd be more mortified that my parents were paying for my wedding than his not paying anything. You are both adults and should provide for yourselves.

If you want an OTT wedding then fine it you want to waste your own money, but selfish to let your parents pay for what it one day. Given the state of the economy you would have been better saving your savings for a rainy day and having a small intimate wedding that concentrates on the real reason for the wedding - the vows.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2011 15:51

YABU. And yes, I've read the entire thread, so I can surmise I find you very spoilt, immature and silly as well.

StewieGriffinsMom · 28/03/2011 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DuelingFanjo · 28/03/2011 15:53

look...

you need to do 2 things.

  1. Invite who YOU want and do not let anyone else create the guestlist
  1. Get your DH to be to speak to his parents about their unreasonable demands.

Simple.

If you just lie down and take it then you only have yourself to blame. You must take charge of the guestlist at the very least.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want your in-laws to contribute but if you do then your husband is the one who should be making that request.

what do you think? Can you do these two things?

belgo · 28/03/2011 15:56

DF - where does the OP say that the groom's family are demanding that her father pay for their hotel rooms etc?