to expect the parents-in-law-to-be to help out with our wedding?

[nearlyuptheduff]

So far my parents have footed the WHOLE bill, his parents have not offered to help or contribute.

AIBU?

I've never been to a wedding where someone has paid for my hotel room. Why would he do that or even have to have a discussion about it? My dad paid for my wedding - his choice, only daughter, could have said no in which case he would have given me the money (ie there was a budget not just a bottomless wallet). Presumably it's your parents choice to foot the bill in which case they can't complain if PIL choose not to contribute, however I don't think their footing the bill should extend to paying for hotel rooms and taxis.

The thing is, Cotswold, your Dad got the wedding he wanted - and you didn't get the one you wanted. Seems wrong to me.

It's your wedding so pay for it yourself. You sound rather spoilt. You've got a nice budget for your wedding and yet you want more and more. If your dad wants to pay towards the wedding then that is his business.

If your fiance has a huge family then why can't you just say to them that you can't afford to invite them all. Stop moaning and be a bit more assertive.

Isn't it just a case of the hotel rooms and taxis have been booked but the guests will pay for them themselves?

I think the issue is that the IL's shouldn't be making demands on who is invited to the wedding if they are not going to put their money where their mouth is.

My ILs made zero contribution to our wedding. I never expected them to give us money but I was mad when my MIL started to make demands (she photocopied our invite and sent it out to another 30 people, insisted that we have filet mignon on the menu and chateauneuf du pape to drink). Get your other half to tell your IL's they can invite up to x number of people but if they wish for more people to be invited then they will need to contribute GBPx amount per person.

"but I was mad when my MIL started to make demands (she photocopied our invite and sent it out to another 30 people, insisted that we have filet mignon on the menu and chateauneuf du pape to drink)."

Ooh sorry, but what was the outcome?
Did she pay for the 30 or did you tell them that they weren´t invited?

Did you have the food & drink that she wanted?
[nosey]

I don't think booking hotels is at all unreasonable. My Dad paid for hotel rooms because we got married on the same weekend as the Open which was being held down the road. As soon as the dates became available my Dad booked all the rooms at the travelodge and two other nice B&Bs so guests would have somewhere to stay. As he did block bookings he got a big discount.

But did your Dad pay for the guests to stay or did the guests then foot the bill? The OP seems to be implying that her Dad is going to be paying for the IL's rooms and taxis although she hasn't actually given a straight answer to whether this is the case or not.

I must say, reading this I do think organising a wedding is very good practice for being married! The reality is that unless you are both only children and orphans getting married is rarely just about the two of you - suddenly you are part of another family, possibly quite different to your own and which almost certainly operates in an entirely different way. Note very carefully the tensions which are arising now - I'll guarantee these will be at the root of any AIBU posts in the future.

diddl - we were able to accomodate the 30 extra people because we had our reception in a tent in my Dads garden. I was lucky that the tent company were able to do an add-on at short notice during what was their busiest weekend of the year. Looking back I don't know how I didn't break her neck. These people flew in from Denmark two days before and called DH to ask where their lift was! DH was mortified and said that he knew he was marrying the right girl when I took it in my stride (while I was frantic underneath trying to book hotel rooms, extra food, crokery from the rental place and increase the size of the tent).

The food and drink thing was the straw that broke the camels back. I told DH that he needed to control his mother before I lamped her.

NO they didn't contribute a penny towards anything. Still today the witch goes on about how she did the flowers for our wedding. She might have spent two hours arranging them but we paid for her to get to and stay in England for a whole week before the ceremony (we paid for their whole stay), I woke up at 4.30am to drive to the flower market in Liverpool to buy the flowers and my Dad paid for the darn flowers. She even had the nerve to say we didn't pay for their flights because we used our points. She misses the point that we could have used those points ourselves for a honeymoon which didn't get to go on.

My dad paid for the hotel rooms - partially because he forgot to tell anyone they were paid for. I think he paid something like GBP20 per room so it wasn't a huge huge amount in the grand scheme of things.

I think you're all being incredibly harsh on the OP. Her dad is being very generous and her fiance's parents seem like free-loaders.

I don't know anyone whose parents and in laws haven't helped with the costs of a wedding. And, according to my mum, although the tradition was for the bride's parents to pay for the reception, the bridegroom's parents used to give money for a honeymoon.

My parents told all of us the budget they had and if we wanted to spend more, we did.

As far as the hotel booking is concerned (in the OP), I think the bridegroom-to-be should go to his parents with brochures of the hotel and say 'The bride's dad has booked the rooms. They're £X each. You'll need to pay up when you arrive (don't tell them it's when they book out as the fifteen cousins etc may do a runner!) He's booked the taxis so that you don't have the trouble of finding them, but they should come to about £X.' He should over-estimate this.

I wonder whether the fifteen cousins want to come because they think the hotel is paid for? The OP might find the number of interested people reduces when they realise they have to pay the bill themselves.

And yes, I'd expect to contribute to my children's weddings. Times have changed and I wouldn't expect to pay for all, but would expect a 1/3 contribution, along with their 1/3 and the in-laws. I would, though, say that in the end it's only a day and they might do better putting the money on a mortgage and having a smaller party.

The curious thing (IME) is that smaller weddings - where everyone genuinely cares about the bride and/or groom - are invariably the happiest occasions. The young mix better with the old (something in common - a love for the couple) and the bride and groom feel that they are amongst the people who really care about their marriage.
Last year my DH and I were invited to the weddings of DDs of business acquaintances. My DH tried gently to get out of them but was effectively told that he should not spoil the father's big day by not being there to witness the extravagance (evidence of his "success"). Both weddings were (to us) fairly gruesome.

YANBU - it is perfectly normal and common practice IME for both sides and the couple getting married to contribute to weddings these days. Families on both sides have family and friends that they would like to be included in the wedding day - it's normal.

I does sound incredibly rude of them to expect and allow you and your family to foot the entire bill, and should certainly make some offer of contribution, even if it be the flowers, or money behind the bar or something.

However, don't let it spoil your relationship with them - they may just be of the old fashioned view that the bride's parents pay, or simply not wanting to offend your Dad by offering to 'help', or they may a chance they may surprise you with a nice wedding gift, or contribution further down the line. Or they could just be rude.

sorry did not proof read my post above!

I don't think contributing to an adult child's wedding is mandatory from either set of parents. If one or the other sets offer any degree of help then that is a nice bonus gift to be appreciated - if they don't, well its your guy's wedding.

However, I think the guest list is entirely up to you. I would explain that you can only afford a set # of guests. We did not pay for guests accomodations or taxis and if we had that would have seriously decreased the number of people we had at the wedding. If my inlaws specifically wanted that to be done I would expect them to pay for it. Same went for specific requests my parents made - if they wanted to pay for that extra course - well then fine, but otherwise we advised we couldn't afford it.

Why why why on earth are you or your parents not saying anything about the hotels etc?! Why are they paying for his rele's to stay at hotel?! You and your parents are doing yourselves no favours as you are paying for everything - don't pay for his relatives to stay in hotels and say you are paying for a certain number of guests and if they want more they are welcome to pay for them to come. You have built a rod for your own backs so don't just complain do something about it

"We, as a couple have bought a LOT of stuff too. He has a huge family and I have a small family yet my parents have paid for the reception and hotles for his family to stay in when they come to the wedding...."

Well its your parents choice really..... they should have just said that your DP's family was being allocated say 2 tables and that they not covering the hotels etc. That way if they didn't want to contribute the number of people they could have would be very limited.

Very rude to not contribute but TBH I think the fault lies with your DP would should have told his family what your parents would cover and what they'd have to pay for.

I think the problem is the way that original post was worded. (I also think that there is an element of jealousy from those who had to pay for their own weddings - so therefore you (OP) are being branded as unreasonable and childish for not paying for your own wedding - if your parents are freely paying for it, then why shouldn't you enjoy that?!

We didn't pay a penny towards our wedding, other than paying for the invitations. When I got engaged, my father said that he would pay for it all, and refused our offers of a financial contribution. My PIL didn't contribute a penny, and although it would have been nice of them to offer, I didn't expect it. And therein lies the key to this - I think you are BU because you are 'expecting' something. Equally, I think that they are being unreasonable expecting your father to foot the bill for hotels and taxis. For my wedding, I block booked a hotel because we live in the middle of nowhere and there weren't many options, and put a note in with the invitation saying that rooms had been reserved for those who may want one - I certainly didn't pay for them.

The reception was held at my childhood home, and my father worked out how big the marquee could be, and how many guests we could have, and then we worked out who HAD to be invited (my father is one of 6 and so there are a LOT of cousins/aunts/great aunts etc), and then we got an allocation for our friends as did my PIL.

I know that it was a huge financial 'burden' on my father and it cost a very substantial sum of money, but they wanted to do it, they can afford it, and I'm his only daughter and he wanted to gift us a wonderful day. We had champagne all afternoon, 2 live bands, a fantastic four course meal and we were thoroughly spoilt with a wonderful start to our marriage.

Cotsworld I agree its a bit rude to ask how much her parents paid.....but I only asked because she was accused of having a flash wedding because she had added 6 grand to her parents contribution and she highlighted WHOLE in her OP.
My post before that said weddings are expensive blah blah blah. Maybe you should read the thread from the beginning and if she volunteered the information about the 6 grand she should also say how much the whole wedding is going to cost. You just did about yours didnt you? I think it puts things into perspective...at least it exposes the PILs for the freeloaders they are

Has the OP run away from the thread? She's not been seen for a while...

My parents paid for our wedding and dh's parents paid for the photographer. My parents wanted to do this and as I was 20 and dh 21 we certainly didn't have any money of our own. We had no fixed views on the wedding tbh - just wanted to be married. My parents oth DID have fixed views on what they wanted so we picked things together. They also paid for most of my sister's wedding costs but it was even smaller than mine. I had about 80 guests and a lunchtime reception, no evening do. Sister had 20 guests and a lunch. Really we've not been much of a burden

Tell the future ILs if they don't pay up, then they and the rest of their clan are not welcome at YOUR wedding that you and your folks have paid for!!!!!

I bet it will be a fantastic wedding!!!

OP haven't read all the thread as I'm just trying to focus on your original point. If your parents have chosen to pay for your wedding, surely it's up to them to decide what they want to pay for? You said your dad had called your IL2b up and asked them what they needed in terms of trasnport & accommodation. So he must have been willing to cover the costs of these, otherwise surely he'd have left it to them.

If your OH is embarrassed, he should say something to his parents.

And I second the mnetters who suggested you take control of the guest list. If the IL2b moan, point out your family will be inviting who they want at the wedding they are paying for.

Congratulations btw

Is everyone being serious on here?