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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect the parents-in-law-to-be to help out with our wedding?

202 replies

nearlyuptheduff · 28/03/2011 14:39

So far my parents have footed the WHOLE bill, his parents have not offered to help or contribute.

AIBU?

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 28/03/2011 20:41

I would take it that her dad was going to make the bookings, not to actually pay for the bookings.

GloriaSmut · 28/03/2011 20:42

I don't intend to pay for my children's weddings and if either of them planned to marry someone with such a misplaced sense of entitlement, I'd be even less generous!!!

Pancakeflipper · 28/03/2011 20:47

It's your wedding. YOU and your groom to be pick the guest list. You don't have to invite who his parents want.

And if your father is paying for hotels and taxis - well I personally think that is OTT and more fool him especially as you and groom to be aren't happy about it.

pointydog · 28/03/2011 20:51

Times are tough and weddings are overrated.

I'll be making sure the dds keep the costs right down if they expect me to chip in in any significant way.

FlaminGreatGallah · 28/03/2011 20:53

The OP is on her way to Gretna Green Grin

I wonder how many of the people being critical have had financial help from their parents in the form of a private education, driving lessons, support through University, house deposit and / or will expect to get an inheritance in the future?

Not saying that's wrong at ALL but would like to point out that in some families a wedding is all that is saved for when you have a daughter. My first was about £500 and I had or will have nothing else.

If it is being done the traditional way it is a bit mean of the PIL to not offer at least to get some Champagne for the toasts and certainly to expect OP's parents to pay for accommodation and expenses for a large group.

nijinsky · 28/03/2011 20:55

I've never heard of one set of parents paying for the hotels for the other set of parents and indeed the guests. All the weddings that I've been to, the guests have paid for accommodation themselves, either in the main designated hotel, or booked it themselves. Your OH should say something to his parents about it. It sounds a potentially very awkward situation.

Saying that, I've got a feeling that when DP and I get married, his parents will expect us to put them up in a hotel (they will be sorely disappointed!). They have a massive sense of entitlement and don't really live in the real world, where people don't have masses of excess cash to spend. My parents are dead, so we will be footing the entire bill ourselves and I'm favouring a marquee in the garden, with food and waitress service, and thats it! (I know all my friends will be happy with it and if anyone else expects more, then I know they won't be there for the right reason).

vickster11 · 28/03/2011 21:12

If you want to get married whether you want large fancy ott wedding or a quite wedding YOU pay for it.

If your parents and inlaws wish to help out by paying for some of it remember to say thank you. Its not their job to pay for your big day its yours.

Do yourselves a favour dont go ott as the day goes so fast and its so expensive. Make sure you get lots of photos and enjoy it.

Original poster
nearlyuptheduff · 29/03/2011 14:33

Thank goodness.... some sympathetic posters!!!

My Dad HAS paid for the hotels and taxis for people staying in the city centre for the wedding. He was made to feel like he HAD to do this by my future fil when he spoke to on the phone.

Future fil has a serious drink problem and was EXCEPTIONALLY rude my my Dad on the telephone. As a result of this exchange my Dad felt bad and sorted it out so he got no more hassle from future fil.

I have now spoken to my Dad about this and have told him that we will pay him back for this and that he should not have gone ahead with booking and paying for such things without chatting to myself and DF about it first.

As for the other questions and the VERY RUDE one about how much money my parents had put towards our wedding as a GIFT to us because they are happy that we are getting married and very keen to see us have the best day.... they have given us £8k.

If parents want to contribute then I'd say that's fine, there would have been no way my parents would have not contributed, even if we'd insisted.

OP posts:
cornsilk678 · 29/03/2011 14:39

so FIL bullied your dad into paying? That's horrible. They sound like twats.

diddl · 29/03/2011 15:09

They do sound bloody awful-but your dad gave in and so did you.

gysela · 29/03/2011 15:10

The VERY RUDE question was from me when I thought you were getting a lot of stick about wanting a flash wedding (places herself firmly on the naughty step Blush). I do apologise.....
Are you not worried about having your FIL at the wedding if he is an exceptionally rude alcoholic over the phone? At an event where there will be lots more booze, I shudder to think what else he will make people feel like they HAVE to do for him

LeQueen · 29/03/2011 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gysela · 29/03/2011 15:13

Actually this is the first time I've heard of taxis being paid for in advance as well....

Baileysismyfriend · 29/03/2011 15:16

Why doesn't your DH speak to his parents, they sound like they are expecting a lot from you all, you don't have to pay for all taxi's etc, can't that be changed?

diddl · 29/03/2011 15:21

"I think I may just need to tell his parents that WE decide who comes and if they don't like it they can piss off!"

Have invitations been sent?

If not, invite who you want?

And if not, why have hotel rooms been booked & paid for without definite numbers?Confused

These could surely be cancelled?

DuelingFanjo · 29/03/2011 15:27

it's not unusual for a wedding party to 'hire' a taxi firm and settle up the bill afterwards. Perhaps that's what the op's dad has done. People do often ask their guess to use one firm so they can do it that way. Same with the hotel.

I still think your partner should speak to his parents and make it clear they will have to pay for their own rooms.

gysela · 29/03/2011 15:30

Yes but you don't pay the whole bill upfront when you hire a taxi firm....they may ask for a small deposit but that's different from paying for the taxi service before its been used.

thefurryone · 29/03/2011 15:33

OP you would have had a lot more sympathy if you had posted all the details about how your future-FIL behaved towards your Dad about the hotels in the first place rather than a generic post about expecting people to pay for your wedding.

Your future-FIL has behaved quite shoddily and YANBU to be fuming about this, you really need to get your DF to speak to his parents and make it clear about who is being invited and who is paying for what.

kansasmum · 29/03/2011 16:12

I would cancel the hotel and taxis and tell FiL to sort it himself! I had an alcoholic relation at our wedding, by the way, and to be frank, he was REALLY embarrassing- fortunately he was happy drunk but it was still not pleasant to watch.

I really think you just need to put the in-laws straight and tell them they have to pay for the hotels and taxis themselves ESPECIALLY since FiL was so rude on the phone.

MorticiaAddams · 29/03/2011 16:34

Your Dad sounds lovely and presumably he booked and paid for the rooms and taxis to keep the peace rather than create any tension at the wedding. He obviously wants everything to be perfect for you and it's nobody's business how much it costs and isn't at all relevant.

Some people just have a stinking attitude about expensive weddings and think because they didn't "need" one it means they love their partners more. Bollocks.

diddl · 29/03/2011 16:46

"He obviously wants everything to be perfect for you"

But unfortunately it sounds as if he has been bullied into inviting/paying for guests that OP isn´t even interested in.

So how does that make it perfect for OP?

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 29/03/2011 16:54

Sounds like you are all money-crazed and you deserve each other! Congratulations! Have a fantastic wedding!

LeQueen · 29/03/2011 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usualsuspect · 29/03/2011 17:11

Another reason I'm glad I never got married ,what with this thread and the gift giving one ,sounds like a bloody mine field

sshnapps · 29/03/2011 17:41

i feel really sorry for your parents.