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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect the parents-in-law-to-be to help out with our wedding?

202 replies

nearlyuptheduff · 28/03/2011 14:39

So far my parents have footed the WHOLE bill, his parents have not offered to help or contribute.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
nearlyuptheduff · 28/03/2011 15:14

When we got engaged my parents told me that they would pick up the majority of the costs and that I had a budgets of £xx to work to. We have done that and contributed about £6000.00 ourselves so we can get the venue, date, and day we want.

OP posts:
Sweetpea215 · 28/03/2011 15:15

Good grief...

I got married last year. Hubs and I paid for the whole thing ourselves...we didn't expect contributions from our parents.

upahill · 28/03/2011 15:15

Hammy People aren't being mean to OP thye just think it is Unreasonable that she is expecting people to pay towards her wedding.
She is I assume living in 2011. So most people aren't getting why she isn't paying for herself.

LeQueen · 28/03/2011 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
nearlyuptheduff · 28/03/2011 15:16

You all seem to have it so wrong... maybe EXPECT was the wrong word to use in my thread heading.

Ask a reasonable question and get quite a lot of abuse back....

OP posts:
mamatomany · 28/03/2011 15:17

So you've added £6,000 to your parents contribution already Shock Are you called Kate by any chance ?

LeQueen · 28/03/2011 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
nearlyuptheduff · 28/03/2011 15:19

Shoudl I start a new thread for all the people that are answering but not reading all the posts............ fucks sake!

OP posts:
FluffyDonkey · 28/03/2011 15:20

"Huge pressure to invite the WHOLE family. 15 cousins plus their partners and children.... people that don't even send us a Christmas card...

I think I may just need to tell his parents that WE decide who comes and if they don't like it they can piss off!"

I'm confused.

Are you complaining about the guests you have to invite? Or the fact your dad has booked hotel rooms? (which as LeQueen points out won't have been paid for)

Have you actually sat down with your PIL and had a grown-up conversation about your wedding?

This is another reason why it is good to pay for your own wedding - you get to call the shots.

ilovesooty · 28/03/2011 15:20

£6000 plus parental dosh on top? Wow.

upahill · 28/03/2011 15:20

We just can't understand how you are happy taking money from your parents in this day and age and not being responsible for financing your own wedding.

Since this thread has started I have thought about friends that have got married in the last 10 years and not one of them has had parental money.

One friend got married 6 years ago and it cost £17,000. She and her DH saved for years to pay for that and didn't accept a penny of either parents.

mamatomany · 28/03/2011 15:22

Don't get me wrong i'd have happily accepted a parental contribution had it been offered, which it wasn't so i've no qualms with that aspect. But the other side haven't offered so that's the end of that really.
Maybe they'll buy you a nice present instead.

Sweetpea215 · 28/03/2011 15:23

I think it's reaasonable to expect people to foot their own bills for accomodation.

We are going to two weddings this year (one abroad) and one of the first things we did was to book up our accomodation. We wouldn't have dreamed that others would be paying for us.

I do know that with some packages, couple's pay for exclusive use of the venue (which includes hotel rooms). This to me seems a bit mad...it's a huge risk unless you can guarantee that people are going to fill those rooms.

Unless you dad has money to throw away...I think he should be insisting people pay for their own accomodation (which really is the norm).

ilovesooty · 28/03/2011 15:23

Well, you asked if you were BU to "expect" PIL to contrubute to the wedding costs. The resounding answer is that you are. It doesn't seem reasonable to throw your toys out of the pram because people have said things you'd rather not hear.

HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 28/03/2011 15:24

Yep, YABU, and I have read the whole thread.

TheSecondComing · 28/03/2011 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
nearlyuptheduff · 28/03/2011 15:24

My Parents both work and have put money aside for years for a wedding for myself and my younger sister. maybe they do have a lot of money but I thought that most people want to see their children alright

Sorry if your parents didn't help you out, my parents want to be a big part of our day and want us to have the best day possible, who am I to stop them. I have contributed too, my savings since I graduated.

OP posts:
thefurryone · 28/03/2011 15:25

I don't understand why your parents are paying for people's hotels, presumably they offered, therefore why should his parents then be expected to foot the cost? Most people don't include this in their wedding costs.

LeQueen · 28/03/2011 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sassybeast · 28/03/2011 15:27

'fucks sake' - Are you a teeny weeny bit of a spoiled princess by any chance ? Wink

marriednotdead · 28/03/2011 15:27

It sounds as if you are sitting back and letting your parents do everything, organisation wise.

You are adults too, it's your wedding, and the fact that your dad feels it appropriate to contact your fiance's side of the family (rather than either of you doing it) is bizarre IMO.

Perhaps your parents mean well, but this wedding is going to be fraught with difficulties if you and your fiance allow other people to dictate your day.

LeQueen · 28/03/2011 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gysela · 28/03/2011 15:29

YANBU if you want them to pay for their room, taxis etc. Sounds like they are taking the piss if they have not offered to pay any of that. However your DP has to be firm with them. My parents are a bit like your PIL. If you invite them, you have to pay whatever costs they incur.
My mum will expect me to pay for her travel if she came to visit her GC. I bought the dress she wore to my wedding - she is not poor by the way.
Over the years I have had to insist to DH not to offer to pay anything. He needs to be firm with his family and yours have to stop offering to pay for them.

frantic51 · 28/03/2011 15:31

Agree with everyone else on here. No parents should be "expected" to pay for any of the wedding, especially if you are both working. This archaic custom of the bride's parents paying stems from a time when women didn't have careers of their own but stayed at home or got a low grade job for "pin money" until she was able to "catch a husband" Hmm

Of course, some parents, if they are wealthy, want to contribute and I don't see anything wrong with that as a kind of "wedding gift" provided both bride and groom are comfortable with it.

However, on the subject of accommodation, everyone should be paying for their own, except in the case of extreme hardship. (Like the person who paid for her brother, it was, presumably important to her to have her brother there and he really couldn't afford it so...)

When my niece got married, my sister and bil pre-booked a block of rooms at the reception venue in order to secure an advantageous price and there was a note in the invitation to the effect that we could avail ourselves of those rooms by a specified date and the price that would be charged. They got their deposit refunded though and each guest paid for their own room individually upon leaving. They also included a list of even cheaper hotels and B&Bs nearby for those who needed something less expensive.

gysela · 28/03/2011 15:31

Oh but YABU ifyou want them to pay for the wedding itself....