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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect the parents-in-law-to-be to help out with our wedding?

202 replies

nearlyuptheduff · 28/03/2011 14:39

So far my parents have footed the WHOLE bill, his parents have not offered to help or contribute.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
nearlyuptheduff · 28/03/2011 15:59

Thanks DuelingFanjo.

I can and WILL do the things you have suggested

OP posts:
HubbaHubbaBubba · 28/03/2011 16:02

Oh, and reading anhel's post, it reminds me, we didn't even get a present from my ILs!!!!!! Now you have to admit that that is Unreasonable?

grovel · 28/03/2011 16:05

My MiL got it right, I think. She paid nothing for the wedding day but very sweetly paid for our honeymoon. She explained this to my parents first. My parents offered a (50%) contribution to the wedding itself and I enjoyed arranging it with my Mum's help. My MiL is self-aware enough to know that if she thought she was contributing towards the wedding she might have wanted a "say" in the arrangements and that it was our day to arrange as we liked. She didn't feel that about the honeymoon because she wasn't going to be there!

cornsilk678 · 28/03/2011 16:16

OP how did the booking of the rooms and taxis by your dad come about? Did he offer?

grovel · 28/03/2011 16:23

cornsilk, I suspect OP is feeling rather raw.

FabbyChic · 28/03/2011 16:24

Generally people now pay for their own weddings, in the old days the female's parents paid. The guys parents never paid fuck all. Im surprised you couldn't pay for it yourself. It's real dated that parents pay.

FabbyChic · 28/03/2011 16:26

Hotels are paid for by those using them, not the by anybody else, Im amazed your father even done that it isn't the done thing.

The Taxis would also be paid for by those using them.

Use your brain and tell your partners parents that the hotel rooms have to be paid for as do the taxis.

FreudianSlippery · 28/03/2011 16:27

FFS you are adults in the 21st century pay for your own wedding!

If you can't afford it then you need to downsize.

Our wedding cost only a few grand including rings, and we paid for it ourselves - putting a little on my visa which was paid off within a year - we knew what we could afford and we worked within that. It was absolutely perfect.

The only thing we didn't pay for was my dress and flowers, total cost £150, which my mum bought because she had always wanted it to be 'her job' - she embroidered my dress too :)

FreudianSlippery · 28/03/2011 16:33

btw I do sympathise with the family inviting themselves. That sucks - you need to stick up for yourselves and have the wedding YOU want and can afford.

But I still think YABU - just because your parents have kindly saved up for your wedding, that doesn't mean his parents should have.

usualsuspect · 28/03/2011 16:33

Its your own fault for wanting such a big flash wedding

grovel · 28/03/2011 16:38

Freudian, I agree with you but there are still a lot of parents out there who want to pay for some or all of the wedding. Some just want their DCs to save their money for expenses to come, some want to show off (yuk) and some want to have a say in the arrangements (equally yuk).

MorticiaAddams · 28/03/2011 16:40

YABU to expect anyone to contribute towards it but equally they are being very unreasonable to expect any input into the wedding if it's being paid for by your parents and yourselves.

It doesn't matter who they want invited and your dp needs to make it very clear to them that you will have limited numbers and will chose yourselves who will and will not be invited.

MorticiaAddams · 28/03/2011 16:49

Somehow I managed to miss half this thread.

I don't think there's anything wrong with the parents paying for the wedding if that's what they want to do. My parents always let it be known that they had the money there and would expect to pay for mine and my sisters' weddings and that's what happened.

We did however have a number limit and Gomez ended up not having his cousins there as he hadn't had any contact with them since he was a small child and they all had partners and children but all my cousins were there as we are very close. Gomez had more friends that he wanted to invite though.

I think your Dad needs to set out exactly what he is and isn't prepared to pay for. It really isn't usual to pay for guests travel or accommodation expenses and I too would have been gobsmacked at their cheek.

If you don't even send these cousins a Christmas card then I would just stick to aunts and uncles. As they all have partners and children were you both invited to their weddings?

suburbanslob · 28/03/2011 16:53

YANBU unless they are struggling themselves financially. They should want to help in my opinion. On the positive side you don't have to take any of their opinions about how your wedding should be on board.

cornsilk678 · 28/03/2011 16:53

grovel I'm not having a go - just wondering how it came about that he's ended up paying for them.

grovel · 28/03/2011 17:01

cornsilk, I didn't think you were having a go. Sorry if I gave that impression.

PrincessConsuelaBananaHamok · 28/03/2011 17:05

crikey

I want to know how much the budget for the wedding is

then I'll wield the gavel accordingly

GypsyMoth · 28/03/2011 17:08

wheres the point in spending all that?? for what anyway....op,go read the relationships board,deflate your little bubble a bit!

gysela · 28/03/2011 17:10

usualsuspect how do you know its a flash wedding? The OP didnt give any details about how much its all going to cost, number of guest etc..just wondering how you came to that conclusion...

fluffy123 · 28/03/2011 17:16

You are being amazingly unreasonable. I hope to realise how lucky you are to have all that help from your parents.

GypsyMoth · 28/03/2011 17:16

well i guess cos they were adding 6 grand i think op said....to what the parents have alreay paid for.....

BigBadMummy · 28/03/2011 17:18

If you cannot afford your wedding then you should be scaling back.

I haven't read the whole thread so forgive me if I have missed something.

Eglu · 28/03/2011 17:18

I think you really need to tell PIL that it is your wedding and you will invite who you want. End of story.

usualsuspect · 28/03/2011 17:19

'and contributed about £6000.00 ourselves'

theres a clue there gysela

gysela · 28/03/2011 17:21

Yes I saw the 6 grand but weddings are expensive and we dont know how much the parents have already contributed - could be 2grand for all we know.... I think we are judging her a bit too harshly although using the word expect in any post on AIBU is setting yourself up for a flaming

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