to expect the parents-in-law-to-be to help out with our wedding?

[nearlyuptheduff]

So far my parents have footed the WHOLE bill, his parents have not offered to help or contribute.

AIBU?

Do his parents know that yours are footing a large amount of the bill? If so, they have no shame. I think either both parents should pay the same amount or neither pay. The whole parents of the bride thing is so out-dated.

Well why did you let your dad sort out your future inlaws accomodation and taxis
your poor dad

yes - his family should pay their own hotel and travel costs

Have the wedding you want that you can afford for yourselves.

If you are asking should your PiL's family pay for their own hotel rooms for the wedding, then that sounds fair enough, specially if there are a lot of them - but should probably have been discussed before making the bookings. Can you have a tactful conversation and say, for example, that you've made the bookings and paid the deposits, but they will need to pay their own bills when they check out?

But your OP sounded like you were expecting them to cough up for a chunk of the other wedding expenses, which is not reasonable, unless they offered - traditionally it's the bride's parents, these days most couples pay all or most of it themselves.

DH and I sat down together and worked out what we could afford. It was a bonus when my parents offered x amount towards it as well, and an even bigger bonus when PIL offered as well (DH is his Mum's only child but it wasn't expected). We had the wedding we originally planned and used the money our parents gave us to buy extras we wouldn't have had such as a bigger photography package and a few more flowers.

YABU your PIL shouldn't be expected to pay for anything. You have the wedding you can afford.

If you can't afford to pay for your own wedding, reduce the budget. Your dad is a mug for organising hotels and taxis for other people.

Why is anyone organising hotels for other adults? Let them sort that out themselves.

Beyond that, of course YABU. It's your wedding, take some responsibility for it.

x posted ... but still your dad shouldn't have boooked things assuming someone would reimburse him.

Whose wedding is it?

If YOU want to get married, YOU pay for it.

In this day and age, with so many marriages lasting less time than it takes for the cake to go stale, I dont blame parents for not wanting to foot a huge bill.

I would never have asked my parents to pay for my wedding. And they didnt. (My dad was no longer alive anyway, and my mum was simply invited to the wedding). My husbands parents didnt pay for anything either, nor did we expect or ask them to.

YABU: either you take the traditional view, which is that a bride is married from home, and so her parents pay. Or you move into 21stC and pay for your own (you can enquire up front of both sets of parents if they will contribute, but it's up to them whether and how much they do). You then arrange it according to the means available to you.

You can, however, decree the size of the wedding, and say how many invitations will be available for his side of the family - then DH-to-be negotiates the sane cut off point to keep within limits.

My dad contacted the In-laws and they told him how many rooms and taxis would be required.....

I had no idea that he had done this until last weekend when the in laws let it slip. I nearly had a fucking heart attack!

I would NEVER have allowed this to go ahead if I'd known.

BTW - I agree that guests should pay all their own costs (unless you need eg little bridesmaids under a particular roof, in which case you mit have to help out): so yes, they should foot taxi and accommodate bills. It's lovely that your father has made their day easier by fixing the admin. Get DH-to-be to explain who settles the bills for those costs.

Ok I understand a bit better. But I still don't see why your dad booked and paid for hotels and taxis for your PIL?

Surely the usual thing is to invite people, let them know that the reception has hotel rooms available (that you may have pre-booked in order to hold the reservation) and have people let you know if they want the rooms or not?

We held our wedding in a gorgeous chateau that had very expensive rooms. We were upfront with everyone about the prices (which we had managed to negociate, not very easily) and those who wanted rooms took them and those who didn't went elsewhere. The only room we paid for was for my brother because I knew he couldn't afford it and I wanted to offer him something special.

Have you actually asked them to pay for the taxis/hotel rooms? Do they know they been booked and paid for?

Anyone who uses the word EXPECT is ALWAYS BU.

If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to pay for it yourself. If you can't afford it, scale it down.

It may just not of even crossed they're minds about offering to help.Different generation and everything.They may just be thinking Father of the bride pays.
I would'nt let it spoil your big day,or let it spill over to how OH's family are received by you.These people are going to be your family to for along time to come.Better to start of on a happy foot than a sour one.
Unless your parent's are unhappy about the situation,I would just leave it as it is.If your parent's are unhappy about it then surely it's upto your OH in the nicest way possible to mention it to his parents.

OP

is that side of the family demanding that they come? Because if they're putting pressure onto you then they should contribute, or not be invited. If you would have invited them anyway then that's a different matter.

Dont bloody pay for their hotels! that's ridiculous btw!

okay so I didn't read the thread before posting, so not seeing your drip feeding. However, if your dad was foolish enough to organise hotels etc... for your inlaws, then that's his look out. Not sure why he did that. Presume your in-laws and indeed your DHTB are adults and can sort themselves out. That was his first mistake. His second was not being clear about who was paying when he offered to organise.

Huge pressure to invite the WHOLE family. 15 cousins plus their partners and children.... people that don't even send us a Christmas card...

I think I may just need to tell his parents that WE decide who comes and if they don't like it they can piss off!

OMG! Are you seriously for real???? Seriously? You're expecting OTHER people to pay for YOUR wedding? wow. Erm YABVVVVVVVU.

I can't understand your dad ringing the inlaws and organising/paying their rooms either.

LeQueen They were my thoughts too!!

OP. I think some people are being a bit mean in their replies. Unless your parents are loaded and your PILs aren't, it is odd that one side pays towards the wedding and the others aren't. Are the PIL's aware that your parents are paying?