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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that parents should look after their own kids

202 replies

Flower1000 · 28/03/2011 10:59

Ok I'm probably going to get flamed for this one but I'm interested to see if it is just me being a grumpy cow or maybe it's a generation thing.

Ok so here goes. I have one daughter and have to work full time to pay bills etc etc as does my DH, so she goes to a childminder. Because I don't stay at home with her I make a point of ensuring I'm around for the rest of the time. I's a very rare occasion that myself and my husband go out without her, as I feel it's not fair as she doesn't see us during the week day. We don't have a regular 'date night', our parents don't look after her so we can have some 'us' time and I think we've only left her overnight once with her grandparents and this was unavoidable. My thinking on this is, we wanted her, so we have responsibility for her and everything that comes with having kids.

I feel that if you have kids you also have to be prepared to look after them, this means giving up stuff you did before you had them.

So many of my friends also work full time but are more than happy to let 'grandma' look after their DD every other weekend, and/or once or twice during the week. Some close friends go to work, pick up the DD then drop her off at grannies and go to the gym. Some also have a week or two week holiday once a year without their kids!!! I couldn't bear to be without my DD for that long let alone go on holiday, it strikes me as being VERY selfish! I have to ask, why bother having kids if this is the way you treat them??

So am I being a grumpy old git (i'm 38 btw ) :)

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 28/03/2011 11:02

Basically, what other people do is none of your business. Other people are not you. They are different. If you can't get your head round that concept at the age of 38 you are going to teach your DD attitudes that won't win her many friends.

VinegarTits · 28/03/2011 11:03

YABU kids love going to stay at Grandmas, it gives the parents a break and the GP's quality time with the children, as long as they are happy and loved thats the main thing

ChristinedePizan · 28/03/2011 11:03

Having children doesn't mean you have to be a martyr to them. She's not going to know if you go out in the evening is she? You can have children and still have a life you know.

I'm older than you btw

GypsyMoth · 28/03/2011 11:04

yabu

guilty at working such long hours????

ledkr · 28/03/2011 11:05

So its ok to work full time then?

GeekCool · 28/03/2011 11:05

I think YABU but I do understand.
DH and I also work full time. He doesn't go to his Grandparents every week, but fairly often. It's not about us wanting 'me' time. It's about DS and the relationship he has with his Grandparents. He loves them, he loves spending time with them and fairly often we'll visit for a few hours and he wants to stay the night. Why not?
You are being a bit clingy, due to working guilt. Chill out a bit, it's good for your dd to see her family.

crazygracieuk · 28/03/2011 11:05

I think that it is really important to make time for yourself and your h as well as your children.

It also depends how much the gp want to be involved. I'd have thought it's easier for gp-gc bonding if the parents aren't there.

ShowOfHands · 28/03/2011 11:05

Why bother having kids if this is the way you treat them? Honestly there are worse things than children spending time with people who love and treasure them. You're in for a bit of a shock. People do different things, different ways. The values and judgments you place on the way other people do things come from you. Just parent the way you want to and save your concern for children who might really need it.

And I'm a sahm btw who has once in dd's life spent a night away from her. That is my choice.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/03/2011 11:06

Depends whether you see 'the family' as nuclear or extended. Growing up, my mum worked part-time so I went to my Gran's house for lunch on schooldays. It gave me a lovely close relationship with my Gran. So I'm happy for my son to spend time with his grandparents without me being there - although he doesn't get as much opportunity to do so as we live further apart.

ledkr · 28/03/2011 11:06

X post tiff,double standards here me thinks.

lesley33 · 28/03/2011 11:06

Oh come on springchicken that is what AIBU is all about - judging and commenting on what other people do and think.

anonacfr · 28/03/2011 11:07

FFS. I hate the 'why bother having kids' line. Fact is for centuries children were raised in an extended family environment.
I'm sure the children enjoy spending time with 'grandma'.

You're being a martyr and you need to get over yourself. Grin

TrillianAstra · 28/03/2011 11:07

The go to the gym?! Shock

I think you are jealous than other poeple have better alternative childcare arrangements and so you are trying to make it into a moral point.

"I don't leave my child with anyone else because I am a better parent than you"

What exactly is wrong with leaving a child with someone who they want to be with and who wants them there?

Mariez · 28/03/2011 11:08

You have so far that those who have children should be prepared to give things up to raise them. You would spend more time with her if you were not working all the time-so why not give up work? or work part time? no?

You cannot winge about people who send their children to have fun at nannies house once a week and then become a marter (sp) just because you work full time.

Surely working full time is more detrimental than a night at a grandparents? (devils advocate)

You are being very unreseonable. Children love the special attention they get when they stay with their grand parents

ChrissyHynde · 28/03/2011 11:09

No your not being a grumpy old git!!! I feel the same. Sleepover's at GP's are treats and I dont abuse it. Perhaps once every 6 weeks they go there and then we have a night out together. I can also rely on GP's for one day of each school holiday week for childcare for which I am grateful. Any other days I would have to ask.

Sweetpea215 · 28/03/2011 11:10

I think it's about striking the right balance...

It's good for kids to have enough quality time with their parents...but also good for them to spend time and form bonds with their extended families. I think grandparent relationships are really important and special...I know mine were.

Also good for children to go to good childminders and nurseries where they can learn to interact with other children...

Ephiny · 28/03/2011 11:10

I think you have a responsibility to make sure your child is well looked after, but that doesn't mean you have to spend every possible waking moment with them. Some people would judge you because you go out to work and leave your DD with a childminder, call you selfish and ask why you bothered having a child. I wouldn't agree with them, but what you are saying is no different.

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 28/03/2011 11:11

YANBU,

this bugs the arse off me, im sick of seeing all over fb people who have yet again ''kids at mums for the weekend time to put my feet up'' or words to that effect.

i send the children to grandmas over night maybe once a month, if that. And i feel guilty for it, im out spending money on me and dp and i think well i could be doing this etc, dont get me wrong i think all of us deserve a break, but every week and week plus length holidays child free. Someone was advertising for childminder for two weeks the other day as they CBA to take the kids away.

although all that said, i judge quietly and each to their own.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 28/03/2011 11:15

I think if one's parents are willing and able to look after your DCs for the odd night (or day) you're depriving both parties if you deny them the opportunity to do so, and being over-possessive.

SchrodingersCatFliesToOz · 28/03/2011 11:15

It is important for your child to have a relationship with her GP. If you can leave her more often not for babysitting but for sending time together. You are selfish not to allow that to happens if it is possible.

Pagwatch · 28/03/2011 11:16

Oh op. You are assuming that your all encompassing attention is the way to demonstrate your devotion to your child. But there are other things a child needs .
Like time with extended family, new experiences and environments.

They also need to see their parents, I think especially their mothers, being people - having a life and having fun.

I went through the ' I have to be with them every moment I can' stage. Then I realised that I was showing them that motherhood is about supressing your own life and moulding it around your child life. That isn't healthy.

It is often said and absoloutely true that if you are happy with your life then you don't really care what others do.

There are people all over ( especially on mn) who will have views about whether you work, stay at home, get gps to babysit, take your dcs on holiday etc etc. Don't be one of those. People are rarely sanctimonious, judgemental and nice. It is usually one or the other.

VinegarTits · 28/03/2011 11:18

So its fine for you to have a child when you cant afford to give up work, so you send them to a childminder?? yet those of us who like some free adult time outside of work are selfish Hmm

if that is the way you think then you should not have had a child unless you were able to stay at home with them, other wise you are a great big HYPOCRTIE op

Niecie · 28/03/2011 11:19

I'm sort of with you on the holidays - I couldn't do that but I don't think the parents are selfish just a bit odd.

The rest of it though YABU. If you felt that strongly about spending time with your DD you shouldn't work. You're being a bit pot and kettle - other people don't work because they want to spend time with their children and would (as we have seen on MN often on the many SAHM/WOHM threads) think you a bit selfish and mean to send your child to a childminder. We could get into a discussion about how, if you really had the courage of your convictions you could downsize your lifestyle so that you didn't have to work or use a childminder. However, that would be none of our business, same as the way other people live is legal and above board, is none of yours.

Whilst I may not do any of the things you think so bad in others, they are living their life and bring up their children the best way they can and so long as they are happy and cared for (parents and children) who really can judge?

wheresthepimms · 28/03/2011 11:19

It's ok to think like that but also think about this:

when you and your DH start drifting apart because you don't get any you time and it is always about your DD and she gets older and doesn't want to spend time with you will you still have a relationship with your DH.

My DH works away for long periods at a time, yes when he is home we spend lots of time with our kids but in order for us to continue to get along we need our time to, without kids just to chat and work through things that being a family are about without little people constantly getting in the way. When we leave our DCs they are with their GPs who love them to the end of the earth and they have a great time, usually better than us as all we want to do is sleep Grin. Our DCs would not have such a great life if we as a couple fell apart from not spending time together so they benefit from us being alone as well.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/03/2011 11:20

i think its good to be mr and mrs flower and have some one to one/romantic time as well as mum and dad

i can understand you want to be there all the time for your dd as you work (guilt maybe) but once dd is in bed then whats the harm in going out with dh?

if there are gp's about who want to enjoy spending time with their gc then great - maybe the gps would like to have their gd stay every now and again?

again nothing wrong with going on holiday without your children,as long as they are cared for

tbh many children have a total ball when staying at gp's

but in the end, its what you are happy with,though there can never too many people who love your dd in her life :)