To think that parents should look after their own kids

[Flower1000]

Ok I'm probably going to get flamed for this one but I'm interested to see if it is just me being a grumpy cow or maybe it's a generation thing.

Ok so here goes. I have one daughter and have to work full time to pay bills etc etc as does my DH, so she goes to a childminder. Because I don't stay at home with her I make a point of ensuring I'm around for the rest of the time. I's a very rare occasion that myself and my husband go out without her, as I feel it's not fair as she doesn't see us during the week day. We don't have a regular 'date night', our parents don't look after her so we can have some 'us' time and I think we've only left her overnight once with her grandparents and this was unavoidable. My thinking on this is, we wanted her, so we have responsibility for her and everything that comes with having kids.

I feel that if you have kids you also have to be prepared to look after them, this means giving up stuff you did before you had them.

So many of my friends also work full time but are more than happy to let 'grandma' look after their DD every other weekend, and/or once or twice during the week. Some close friends go to work, pick up the DD then drop her off at grannies and go to the gym. Some also have a week or two week holiday once a year without their kids!!! I couldn't bear to be without my DD for that long let alone go on holiday, it strikes me as being VERY selfish! I have to ask, why bother having kids if this is the way you treat them??

So am I being a grumpy old git (i'm 38 btw ) :)

OEB, as I have said, some families are closer than others.

I actually agree with the Op mostly as well. If you have to leave your kids then fair enough, if they want to spend time with their grand-parents/ family - of course that is lovely.
But as a childminder myself, in the past I have been aghast at how many parents get a friend or relative to collect their child after a full day because they want to get ready to go out in peace every Friday and therefore not even be there to tuck them in after not seeing them all day, send children off to grandma's for the weekend and then back to full time work on the Monday. Children are woken up in the morning, dropped off at 7.30pm, collected at 5.3pm0 and in bed for 7pm. That is not how I would like to remember my children when they were little.

I have parents now who cannot wait to pick up their little ones, take them to the park after collection and do family things at weekends as well as visit family all together and enjoy their weekends as a family. It is only for a few years so I do not understand why some people just watch that time fly by with someone else unless necessary. Just my opinion.

Thank you 'whatsallthehullaballoo' you put it far better than I did. :)

Everyone always harps on about the good old days of extended families etc

but in the good old days people had more children and the women didn't work so all the daughters in one family were around with the grandparents to all look after the kids - with 6 daughters in one family it would have been a bit much for gran to look after all the grandkids wouldn't it

it's not about families being closer it's about respecting your family members right to choose how to spend their retirement

I'm sure it would be LeQueen, but all i'm hearing on your post is 'me, me, me, me, me'

Sorry, i'm sure that sounds harsh, but where do your kids and DH come into it?

Bloody hell. By these standards I am setting myself up to be a terrible parent. I believe that DH and I have to take full responsibility for DS (when he arrives) but I have no intention for that to mean that if I'm not working I'm always with DS. And DH feels the same. So, it's our responsibility to clothe him and ensure he's fed and educated and all the rest, but that doesn't mean we have to actually do each of these things ourselves.

DSis is already lined up for babysitting (baby, feeding etc permitting) when he is about 6 weeks for a long standing event we've been looking forward to!

What I should have also put in here is that I also do get 'me' time. But if that's without my DD, then my DH is looking after her and vice versa. Mine and his parents have looked after her for the odd hour, but it's the exception rather than the rule.

Compo, I wouldn't know about that because my mother and Grandmother both spent a large part of their married life working, as most women always have done. It isn't just about a grandmother looking after children - it is about all members of extended family and friends and neighbours enjoying spending time with kids.

I like kids. I liked kids before I had my own and I am sure I will like them when mine have grown up. I don't really get the idea that their are 16 years of your life when you want to spend every hour of your time outside of work with your children, but apart from that every other time of your life you see children as a chore to be avoided.

And of course it is about families being closer - if you don't want to look after your grandchildren or you don't want to care for an elderly family, then in what sense are you close?

Blimey, have a LeQueen, opinions are like arseholes - everyone has one

Also, we've chosen DS's godmother at least partly on the basis that we know that she will bring something to him we simply can't (or won't). She's a much more outdoorsy type than us for example and I fully expect she'll take him surfing or diving or hiking when he's older. She's fearless, and fun and flamboyant and she'll offer him the kind of love that we, as his parents, might not be able to because we'll be worrying about whether he's eating enough or is he getting good enough grades for the school or uni he wants to get into.

She's also single, and at that age where sadly children of her own are perhaps less likely so having this child a core part of her life will be something we know she will love.

Does't mean we'll be dumping DS on her daily, but certainly, him getting the option to spend time with her, without DH and I is a benefit not just to us but to him and her as well.

Op,
You do what you want and what you like and that's perfect.
Others do exactly the same: what they want and like.

What makes you think you are right and they are wrong?
So don't make yourself look better than you are.

And if parents need more time for themselves than you do, do you really think that their children will benefit from the time together??

Umm, Flower - you started it. Your post was pretty judgemental.

what you going to do op when your child can no longer be put to bed early so you can have your 'me' time or time with dh????

you know,when they are 11,12,13 plus.....going to bed later....how will you factor it all in then?

and where will dc of this age go in the long school holidays??

childminders dont take pre teens.......holiday clubs arent cool.....6 weeks over summer,who could step in to keep an eye out???

Niceday, I'm not saying my way is better, and Le Queen I'm not being judgemental, I asked if I was being unreasonable (which it appears I am).

However it does annoy me, I'm entitled to be annoyed about it, that's my opinion and I'm sticking to it.

What I am surprised at, is the viciousness I've encountered on this thread (I'm not singling anyone out), yes it's an emotive subject, but wow, you lot aren't worried about being polite and getting down and personal, I deliberately tried not to make it personal and made a sweeping statement so not to upset any particular group - I shouldn't have bothered. I've read a few threads on AIBU and you lot don't hold back do you? Blimey that's the last time I post a thread on here.... Offering my opinion - well no holding back and being polite now :)

Flower, I think the reason it is an emotive subject is because many women have either been made to feel like bad parents or have curtailed their lives and missed out on a fulfilling life because, astoundingly, the opinion you hold isn't unique to you.

Lots of people have in the past told women that they are solely responsible for their kids and should be happy with just being with their husband and children with no other existence outside of that. Some women may find happiness just within married life, but most women don't.

I have read and commented on the thread and do not think it is vicious.

Why post in AIBU if you cant handle getting other peoples honest opinions?

I can honestly say I havent come across friends who "farm" their kids out to grandparents while also working full time.

And its none of my business to judge them even if they did!

But your tone OP is a bit condescending and you obviously did not read LeQueens post properly. You can give it out ...

I cant bear it when the OP posts a deliberately inflammatory title post and then accuses other MN's of being vicious and saying: "oooh thats the last time I post here...."

AM, I think it does. Work is work. It isn't a social life or having time to spend on yourself.

Although the OP has been very gender neutral in her post, I have never heard anyone suggest that a man should spend his entire time either at work or in the company of his children, and never do anything else. But some people still expect it of women, and it seems particularly damaging when a child has special needs and people still feel no obligation to help that family out.