To think that parents should look after their own kids

[Flower1000]

Ok I'm probably going to get flamed for this one but I'm interested to see if it is just me being a grumpy cow or maybe it's a generation thing.

Ok so here goes. I have one daughter and have to work full time to pay bills etc etc as does my DH, so she goes to a childminder. Because I don't stay at home with her I make a point of ensuring I'm around for the rest of the time. I's a very rare occasion that myself and my husband go out without her, as I feel it's not fair as she doesn't see us during the week day. We don't have a regular 'date night', our parents don't look after her so we can have some 'us' time and I think we've only left her overnight once with her grandparents and this was unavoidable. My thinking on this is, we wanted her, so we have responsibility for her and everything that comes with having kids.

I feel that if you have kids you also have to be prepared to look after them, this means giving up stuff you did before you had them.

So many of my friends also work full time but are more than happy to let 'grandma' look after their DD every other weekend, and/or once or twice during the week. Some close friends go to work, pick up the DD then drop her off at grannies and go to the gym. Some also have a week or two week holiday once a year without their kids!!! I couldn't bear to be without my DD for that long let alone go on holiday, it strikes me as being VERY selfish! I have to ask, why bother having kids if this is the way you treat them??

So am I being a grumpy old git (i'm 38 btw ) :)

YABAGOG (a grumpy old git). HTH.

Seriously, I see where you're coming from - when I do have a night away from ds I feel a wee bit guilty but I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. I'm lucky to have an amazing mum (I had an amazing granny before she passed away too but she was a bit older when I arrived so couldn't be an active gp IYKWIM) and my ds is really close to her and so is getting to enjoy my amazing mum be an amazing granny.

Far too many amazings but I hope you see my point.

We visit them at least once every two weeks then maybe every 4-6 weeks we get a night out and it's usually my mum who takes ds. Everyone is happy with the situation. I actually agree that every week is a bit much but others are right, extended family looking after kids is the way humans evolved and the way society worked for a long time.

'if this is the way you treat them'.

Hmm i don't think this is 'bad treatment' for the dcs, they probably have the time of their life at grandma's. I know i did.

Now if they don't treat well the grandparents, if they use them only for 'free babysitting', if they never do something for them in return, then that would make me too.

Going out to work so you can keep a roof over your heads, provide interesting opportunities, pay school fees (if that's your bag), provide for your own future so you don't burden your DCs when they become adults is looking after your child.

By the same token enabling a healthy bond between one's DCs and the rest of their family and at the same time helping to maintain good relationships between you and other adults (be they your DP/DH or friends) is also looking after your child.

For those who are saying OP should wok part-time, not all jobs allow part-time hours. Maybe this is her situation and it's not economically viable for her to stay at home?

I think OP is being a bit judgmental here and there really is no need. Do YOUR best and what you want with your OWN kids OP. Stop worrying what other people are up to. If you are happy with your choices then that's what matters.

I do think it's nice to have a night out once in a while though. If it's after your DC's bedtime it's not even as if they're missing out either is it?

oh god Meglet - tell me about it - you know the other week my best friend whisked by boys off without warning one Sunday afternoon "for an hour"......which was actually 3 1/2hrs.........when they came home I couldn't remember which child was which.

Oh wait hang on - that was because when they need a haircut (as they currently do), and are wearing clothes that the next sibling up has just grown out of I frequently get the confused

What are you on about??

Allowing children time with their grandparents and other people in their lives who love and enjoy them isn't treating them with neglect.

It's a good thing for children to have close relationships with their grandparents if possible. It enriches their lives if they are lucky enough to have gps who are able and want to be involved. Bringing up children to feel wanted and loved doesn't mean you have to breathe down their necks all the time and never be away from them.

I notice you have a set up which suits your family and anyone that doesn't do it that way is wrong. How do you square the use of a cm with your somewhat rigid theory on childcare anyway?

Children grow up perfectly well in all sorts of circumstances and feel loved. Well adjusted children have learned how to be around all sorts of people. Not just their parents. It makes them confident and sociable. And anyway having one dc is different to juggling a larger family. I have often been very grateful for gps help when trying to be in 3 places at once.

actually I've just asked exH if he can have the DS's over night on a night he usually wouldn't have them so I can bugger off for a 24hrs away thing with 2 friends - (and he said yes woohoo)

I also agree with those saying that time with grandparents is a good thing. If you are lucky enough to have GP's close by then it can be a great thing. DS1 spends 1 day a week with his and has gained a lot from it. He loves gardening with his grandfather (something he doesn't do so much with me) and gets 1:1 attention (away from little brother!). Overnight, not so much yet, but that really has more to do with me than him.

I kinda feel sorry for the OP. This is the result of all these stupid articles in the media everywhere that say working mothers are selfish/uncaring/damaging the kids. Most of us can look at those articles and understand them for the biased misogynist crap that they are, but some women will take those guilt trips to heart and really believe they should feel bad about working for a living.

It's ok that you go out to work full time and you don't have to punish yourself for it. You're still allowed to have personal time, evenings out with friends and a night in with DP. It's ok, it really is okay. If you're going to feel guilty about everything you read in the media you will never stop.

Perhaps your friends' kids don't like their parents and are only too glad to go to grandma every other weekend.

I just can't understand why you care what other people do???

YABU - how boring, when are you 'you' and not 'mummy' and when are you a partner/friend/lover to your DH - get a life outside parenting!

Agree re holidays though and I will admit that I think some parents are lazy and will do anything like throwing money at their kids/palm them off rather than engage with them, but you are the opposite of that.

When I had the first of my children I planned on having a CM but Mum phoned up to offer; I seriosuly think that 'thanks Mum, your ofer would save us money and make me happier and work easier but no some person on MN might think I am taking advantage' would have been daft no? I no longer live nearby (or work, but that is becuase I have 2 sn kids) and now Mum looks after nephews around their schools- both cases in which work would otherwise be hard for my sisters: one is a vet nurse working shifts with a DH on permanent nights, and one a childcarer herself who always has to lock up (so gets out later than any nursery provision....) and whose DH works anywhere around the world on call.

Mums / Dads etc who ofer- fab. There is a taking advantage side wortth actively avoiding but common sense and manners can solve that.

Also, we very rarely get out at all,never away ATM as ds4 is still BF but with a couple of sn kids to care for frnakly the odd break / day out is what helps us cope with the rest and as ij laws don't help (complicated marriage break up with much fall out) I am just grateful to have Mum, even if she is a long drive away. Or we'd literally njever get a break- ds's don't sleep much so would be constant.

I think its a question of getting the balance right between you and DHs time ,your extended familys time with your daughter if they want that and your time as just the three of you.

As others have said your DD will benefit from time with her extended family and build important bonds with them. It certainly wont do her any harm.

I have all my DGCs round for tea every Monday (yes today - rising panic emoticon) and DH and I love it and the kids really enjoy it. We have six between us with four different sets of parents - some are step siblings - some are only related through me and DHs marriage and two are half siblings of two of our biological DGKs so not technically related biologically ( very complicated so I'll stop now ! ). But my point is that these children would never play together or sit round a table together even though some of them share a common sibling (sorry did say it was complicated) which I think would be a shame.

Also three out of their four sets of parents are working full time and are NRPs/SPs to their DCs so are effectively giving up one afternoon/evenings of their limited access time in their cases yet still never miss Nana Sudas Monday tea. My DH said once when he sees them all sat round the table he thinks that will be something they will remember and talk about when they look back on their childhood. I think he's right - I certainly dont think for a minute they will say - 'Ooh do you remember how Mum used to dump us at Nanas for our tea even though we'd been at school/childminders all day'.

YANBU I work shifts 30h/w, dh works days 40h/w and have ds in nursery or with dh. I try to keep the occasions I palm him off on my mum to an absolute minimum as she has her own life and 12 gcs besides! She has had him on 2 occasions this year so far which we are very grateful for.

I wouldn't like to be taken for granted in that way so I wouldn't do it to someone else. I see so many of my colleagues who are gps and go to work and have no time for themselves because they are put under so much pressure to keep having their gcs.

I

Not though choice I work full time and use a childminder as I dont have the support of any close family to help. I would love to spend more time with my son and find i have to cram everyting into the weekend. I took the choice to work full time as I dont want to live on benefits and want my son to have a better quality of life. I also had a small amount of debt that was in place before I had him and I need to get his paid off. Whatever you do as a working mum you will never be in the right and personally Im not worried what people think of me because of this. I know the time I spend with my son is quality time. Id love to work part time but at the moment thats just not possible. Everyone has their own way if bringing up children and as long as they are loved and well cared for then I dont see the issue.

i think time with grandparents is ok for kids isn't it? not really an option for us as they live miles away but i think if they were on the doorstep i'd be tempted to take advantage a little bit more!

ok i don't get the holiday thing (well i do, it must be a million times more relaxing without the kids but you'd miss out on a lot of fun with them too) but the rest, well...why get het up about it? horses for courses innit

Oh thanks for that LESSNARKY - I am on a diet and trying hard to re-educate myself that you can eat one or two biscuits out of a packet then put them away.

So what do you do? - empty out a full packet !

[celery]