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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that parents should look after their own kids

202 replies

Flower1000 · 28/03/2011 10:59

Ok I'm probably going to get flamed for this one but I'm interested to see if it is just me being a grumpy cow or maybe it's a generation thing.

Ok so here goes. I have one daughter and have to work full time to pay bills etc etc as does my DH, so she goes to a childminder. Because I don't stay at home with her I make a point of ensuring I'm around for the rest of the time. I's a very rare occasion that myself and my husband go out without her, as I feel it's not fair as she doesn't see us during the week day. We don't have a regular 'date night', our parents don't look after her so we can have some 'us' time and I think we've only left her overnight once with her grandparents and this was unavoidable. My thinking on this is, we wanted her, so we have responsibility for her and everything that comes with having kids.

I feel that if you have kids you also have to be prepared to look after them, this means giving up stuff you did before you had them.

So many of my friends also work full time but are more than happy to let 'grandma' look after their DD every other weekend, and/or once or twice during the week. Some close friends go to work, pick up the DD then drop her off at grannies and go to the gym. Some also have a week or two week holiday once a year without their kids!!! I couldn't bear to be without my DD for that long let alone go on holiday, it strikes me as being VERY selfish! I have to ask, why bother having kids if this is the way you treat them??

So am I being a grumpy old git (i'm 38 btw ) :)

OP posts:
Skiboo · 28/03/2011 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

StealthPolarBear · 28/03/2011 12:30

No reply from the OP...
I am one of them neglectful mums who works FT AND gets a break fairly regularly (maybe one weekend day and/or night a month - DS anyway, DD doesn't stay overnight yet as only 18m).
I justify it to myself by thinking that both sides love it (Mum is already begging to have DD overnight) and I do plenty when I am up in the night (every night) with DD and occasionally DS.

StealthPolarBear · 28/03/2011 12:32

Although I do agree with you about the holidays. We are looking forward to having a couple of nights away without the DCs at some point in the next year or so, but any more than that would feel wrong to me.

LeQueen · 28/03/2011 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Flower1000 · 28/03/2011 12:34

I'm still here and reading the opinions. Taking it all on board :o hornets nest huh!!

And yes, I do have to work full time. Well it's that, or not pay the bills etc. I did used to be a SAHM, but the job I do now won't lend itself to part time.

OP posts:
SudashesaliveItakeyoutoher · 28/03/2011 12:40

Thank you LEQUEEN - it is lovely though isnt it 'tea at Grandmas' its almost like something from a bygone era and another thing is someone else said about 'put upon ' GPs and I do agree that can happen but because I have them all every week on same day it ensures I dont get 'put upon' with random last minute requests to have them at short notice on the other nights of the week which I keep sacred for me and DH with a clear conscience IYSWIM. Of course except in emergency/exceptional cicumstances I wouldnt turn them away 'cos its not Monday'.

LESSNARKY - celery ! BLEUGHHH anyway too late have already troughed all the biscuits Grin.

lurkerspeaks · 28/03/2011 12:47

As an aunt I would miss out terribly if the children in my life had mothers with attitudes like yours.

So would the kids. I'm an extra trusted adult in their lives, I largely share the same belief system as their parents and as they get older frequently provide help and advice. I bring a different viewpoint to decision making and sometimes financial assistance.

I have different interests to their parents so with me they see different things eg. Museums, art galleries and when they were younger swimming (one of their mothers hates it and wouldn't take them).

I'm grateful to their parents for sharing as the children enhance my life. However, I also think I enhance theirs.

rosie1979 · 28/03/2011 12:53

I can not believe the title to this thread is To think that parents should look after their own kids and you work full time!!!!!

OP YABU and are also deluded! Who looks after your kids when you are working?

MrsSparkle · 28/03/2011 12:55

Op you have contradicted yourself. You state "AIBU To think that parents should look after their own kids" then go on to say you don't see your dd all week because you work full timeHmm

There is nothing wrong with working full time if that is what you want/need to do. You can't judge others though like that because every circumstance is different when it comes to family life.

If a parent wants to enjoy some quality time with their partner whilst their dc are being spoilt enjoyed by grandparents then i don't see the problem? Imo it is healthier all round.

Op do you ever get quality time with just your dh? That is just as important imo.

fedupofnamechanging · 28/03/2011 12:56

These threads make me laugh. If the OP had said that she would like her mother to spend more time with her child, MN would have been a chorus of 'your child, your responsibility'. Because she is saying that parents are responsible for their own DC, she has been met with 'GPs are really important, it's selfish not to encourage that relationship'.

Whichever way you dice it, a woman's place is always in the wrong. If you are a SAHM you are lazy and not setting a good example to your children. If you are a WOHM, then you are neglectful and prioritising money over your children.

To answer the OP directly, I do think the GP relationship is important and should be encouraged where possible. I also think that parents need child free time and that it is detrimental to the parents relationship if they never spend time alone together. I personally wouldn't go on holiday without my DC. I would miss them far too much and would feel guilty that they were missing out, but a night at grandmas is fun for them. They enjoy being spoilt.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 28/03/2011 13:00

" If the OP had said that she would like her mother to spend more time with her child, MN would have been a chorus of 'your child, your responsibility'. "

Actually - no I wouldn't. Now I wouldn't want my children spending more tie with my mother (but that's an entirely different thread). However I think if there's a family member who is willing and wants to spend more time with childre in their extended family it should be encouraged.

compo · 28/03/2011 13:05

Rosie - op already answred that 'And yes, I do have to work full time. Well it's that, or not pay the bills etc. I did used to be a SAHM, but the job I do now won't lend itself to part time.'

MrsBloomingTroll · 28/03/2011 13:06

I know a couple who constantly dump their DD on the grandparents and I know from the grandparents that they are getting fed up with it. It has definitely damaged their relationship with their DGD, especially as the grandparents are "expected" to do it, hauling themselves halfway across the country and away from their own lives in order to fulfil babysitting demands. They are met with written lists of "do this at this time" and very little gratitude.

I don't think that's healthy - the resentment will be there for years to come. The couple in question just won't compromise their lifestyle to pay for extra childcare, and continue to enjoy expensive holidays with the money saved. Oh, and the grandparents are "invited" to join them on holiday, if they pay their own way (and babysit whilst there) Hmm. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

IMHO, if you want that kind of grandparental help, and we all need help from time to time, you do have to compromise somehow, for example moving home to live closer to the grandparents.

We do enjoy the odd night out/night away courtesy of grandparental babysitting and we usually take grandparents on holiday with us, partly for that reason (but we invite them to join us and we pay for the holiday by way of thanks). But we don't use grandparents for regular childcare as we don't live close enough to any of them (our choice). When we need other childcare, we pay a professional, and we are lucky to be able to afford to do so. Or....we don't go out and compromise our plans.

I want my DCs to have a good relationship with their grandparents, as they won't be around forever, but I also respect that they have done their child-rearing and are now enjoying their retirements and have their own lives to lead.

All of that said, I do think some of this has to do with how long you've been with your OH before having kids. DH and I had been together for ages before DC1 was born and had done a lot of going out, travel, etc, so got a lot of stuff out of our systems before starting our family. So nowadays a takeaway on the sofa is just fine!

And obviously money is a factor too. DH and I are lucky to have the choice.

darleneconnor · 28/03/2011 13:07
Biscuit
rosie1979 · 28/03/2011 13:07

Why put the title of the thread as To think that parents should look after their own kids then?
God Im not having a go at the OP for working fulltime but think about the reaction to that title!

compo · 28/03/2011 13:08

I can see where op is coming from

some parents do work all week and then farm kids out to grandparents every weekend which of course is sad

MillyR · 28/03/2011 13:13

The attitude that grandparents have done their child rearing and just enjoy their retirement is spectacularly selfish. Perhaps if parents spent less time martyring themselves over their own children they would have more interest in looking after their own grandchildren in years to come. I hadn't realised you were meant to wash your hands of your kids when they were 18 - I certainly won't be taking that attitude to my children or grandchildren, but then I hope to have grandchildren long before retirement age.

compo · 28/03/2011 13:26

MillyR - you can enjoy your grandchildren without having to do the school run regularly though
my dad loves his grandchildren but wouldn't look after the younger ones on his own unless it was an emergency
he likes all his family together, which is fine by me as I like seeing him playing with my children. It's not selfish to spend your retirement how you like at all

Happylander · 28/03/2011 13:27

I grew up around my extended family and staying at their houses and I can honestly say it was great. I had fun, got to eat things we didn't have at home and I felt very supported and content knowing that I had such close relationships with grandma, aunt's and uncle's. Certainly didn't colour how I viewed my mum who worked three jobs in the week. My DS regularly stays at mums as she does child care when I am at work. I'm off at moment and she still has him once a week or more if I want to do something. My DS loves it and has a great relationship with her. He is a confident and happy little boy.

orangeeyebrows · 28/03/2011 13:31

Denise from Royle Family springs to mind lol

Its sad when kids have to be palmed off so the parents can have "me" time whatever that might be

Original poster
Flower1000 · 28/03/2011 13:31

OK let me clarify things a little, and yes, the title might be a tad inflamatory.

Anyway, I'm not for one moment being a martyr or feeling a 'better parent' as a result. My point is that some parents feel the need for their own space above all else. I see them coming home from full time jobs to picking kids up from the childminder and dropping them off at grandma's house so they can go to the gym or 'whatever'. Then telling me they are off for their bi-monthly weekend break without the kids. I'm not saying that a relationship between the kids and grandparents is a bad thing, I think it's very important. But shouldn't grandparents be for fun, and for spoiling, not disciplining and general looking after? Time and a place maybe.

I also agree that time with the DH is important, but my time with my DD is also important. I get my alone time for me and my DH when DD is in bed. I don't need to go out, or have a whole weekend, week or two weeks away to maintain a healthy relationship - horses for courses, but that's not what AIBU is for :)

OP posts:
buttonmooncup · 28/03/2011 13:32

YABU. And that is coming from a SAHM who has only let someone else look after her pfb while I was in hospital giving birth to her younger brother.
Also you don't HAVE to work full-time - you could move somewhere cheaper/make cutbacks like other families do if one parent wants to stay at home so why do you feel you have the right to judge how much time people should spend with their kids?

MillyR · 28/03/2011 13:33

Compo, I suspect some families are closer than others.

orangeeyebrows · 28/03/2011 13:33

The attitude that grandparents have done their child rearing and just enjoy their retirement is spectacularly selfish.

why? you raise your own children into independent adults, then what they do from then on is their choice and what you do is your choice

I intend to retire abroad, If thats selfish so be it. My inlaws did it - good on them.
If my children were to emigrate without me, would they be selfish?

SOrry, dont get it

LeQueen · 28/03/2011 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.