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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that parents should look after their own kids

202 replies

Flower1000 · 28/03/2011 10:59

Ok I'm probably going to get flamed for this one but I'm interested to see if it is just me being a grumpy cow or maybe it's a generation thing.

Ok so here goes. I have one daughter and have to work full time to pay bills etc etc as does my DH, so she goes to a childminder. Because I don't stay at home with her I make a point of ensuring I'm around for the rest of the time. I's a very rare occasion that myself and my husband go out without her, as I feel it's not fair as she doesn't see us during the week day. We don't have a regular 'date night', our parents don't look after her so we can have some 'us' time and I think we've only left her overnight once with her grandparents and this was unavoidable. My thinking on this is, we wanted her, so we have responsibility for her and everything that comes with having kids.

I feel that if you have kids you also have to be prepared to look after them, this means giving up stuff you did before you had them.

So many of my friends also work full time but are more than happy to let 'grandma' look after their DD every other weekend, and/or once or twice during the week. Some close friends go to work, pick up the DD then drop her off at grannies and go to the gym. Some also have a week or two week holiday once a year without their kids!!! I couldn't bear to be without my DD for that long let alone go on holiday, it strikes me as being VERY selfish! I have to ask, why bother having kids if this is the way you treat them??

So am I being a grumpy old git (i'm 38 btw ) :)

OP posts:
MosEisley · 28/03/2011 15:46

Yup, your OP makes you seem like a grumpy old git, and a judgey pants too.

MosEisley · 28/03/2011 15:49

Blimey tubeofcanesten you are on every thread. There will be no more thrush or other fungal infections IN THE WORLD at this rate!!

ENormaSnob · 28/03/2011 15:58

Be very careful you don't end up as just mum and dad. You sound in danger of forgetting you are husband and wife too.

Yabu and hypocritical.

ENormaSnob · 28/03/2011 16:03

Oh and by your standards I am obviously a far superior mother to you as I only work 3 days.

2babyblues · 28/03/2011 16:43

YABU - surely it is good for children to know their grandparents well (if they are both keen). Some people may have more demanding children/jobs than others meaning that they need a little time to themselves.

I find if I have a bit of a break I am more patient with the children as I have had time to catch up on things and rest, therefore, time with children is better quality time as I feel less stressed.

LeQueen · 28/03/2011 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ledkr · 28/03/2011 18:17

well i work 3 days too so im angelic but i did enjoy a day at the races last week and left my children in the care of my sister so i guess im very selfish to treat them like that

usualsuspect · 28/03/2011 18:21

yabu

It makes a more rounded and independent child if they stay at grandmas sometimes and know other family members love them

ledkr · 28/03/2011 18:23

Just remebered a couple we met in mexico whilst on holiday with our dd1,they were having a 2 week holiday and their dd who was younger was with her mum in uk.I mentioned that my mum has mine every few months for me and dh to go out,oh she said with her cats bum mouth and holiday judgey pants on "we dont leave our daughter" wtf?they were in bloody mexico Angry

hissymissy · 28/03/2011 18:36

YABU.

I agree that you should dedicate special time to your DC. You decide to have them, so they are your responsibility. But they also need loving bonds with other family members, Such as GP, uncles and aunts. I know no one likes to think of these things, but imagine if you and DP were to die/go into hospital, who would DC go to? If at all possible, they need good relationships with other people who they can trust.

And parents are still human beings. We still need some time to do things for ourselves. This is not selfish, as long as our DCs needs are being met. I would not be a very good mum if I was so strung out from bringing up DS single handedly that I was depressed or angry all the time.

I am very lucky to have a supportive Ddad and DSM, who adore my DS to pieces. They are very busy people with full time jobs, and social lives. So it isn't often I feel I can ask them to help, but they have had DS twice for a week so I could do a residential school with the OU. They used to have DS every morning before school, to allow me to get to work as there was no early morning childcare available. Is this selfish? I don't think so. DS knows he is loved and wanted.

LeQueen · 28/03/2011 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minipie · 28/03/2011 18:48

YAB mostly U

It all depends on how the DC feels about going to stay with GPs/auntie etc, surely?

If the DC enjoy it then everyone's a winner.

If the DC really hate going to the GPs then ok, yes, it might be better if the parents didn't go out and instead stayed in with their DC. But I can't imagine that many parents would leave their DCs with someone they hated spending time with.

I remember going to stay with my gran while my parents went on a long weekend together (maybe once a year). It was great fun for me, great for them and I'm very glad they did it.

annapolly · 28/03/2011 19:03

I work 3 days a week, all within the school day.

I do know people who work all day and go out all evening and send their DCs to GPs at the weekend and I do think it is OTT.

You do need to maintain all of your relationships and all of their, which isn't easy.

I don't think YABU

Goodynuff · 28/03/2011 19:12

I believe it is really important to be there for your kids, to know them as people, to know their friends, what is going on in their lives, to be a part of it. That is a big part of why I am a sahm, even though my DCs are 11 and 14. I want to be there for them. That being said, I also believe that they need to be confident, happy individuals in many different settings. They do have weekends without us, at family members houses.
Before we had kids, it was me and DH. While we are raising our DCs, it is me and DH. After they leave home, for the next 40 or 50 years, it will be me and DH, which is why we make sure that we have our time alone together too. I want to be sure that we are rock solid as a couple, and that our entire lives are not just about being parents. I don't want to be one of those couples that falls apart when the kids leave home, because we have drifted, or have nothing in common any more. I think it is really important to our DCs that they have a strong set of parents who will always be there for them.
That being said, you do what you have to OP, and I'll do what I have to. Leave the judgements out of it.

theinet · 28/03/2011 19:26

Our neighbours son has a two year old girl.

Both the son and his wife have well paid professional jobs and work full time.

Since the child was a 2 months old, the baby has been left with our neighbours, the grandparents, from 8am, to 8 or 9 pm (sometimes later) each and every weekday.

Sometimes the poor kid gets left on a saturday morning, or sunday too,

i feel these grandparents are completely put upon by the child's selfish parents. essentially the child sleeps at home but not much else.

sometimes i see her scream when she's brought from the car to go to grandads for another day.

Whether or not the grandparent is happy to do this it does seem a bit odd to me.

bilblio · 28/03/2011 19:43

I work, DH is a SAHD. Even though DH is there for her I still feel bad that it's not me. DD goes to her Grandparents some weekends so that DH and I can have the odd night out together. Our families live an hour away from us so it's always an overnight stay.

DD loves going to both sets of grandparents, she gets to play with her cousins and do things that we can't necessarily afford to do with her. In fact sometimes I think she'd like to go away every weekend. Hmm

Sometimes DD will stay for 2 nights, very occasionally it's longer. When she stays longer it means I get to do some things I couldn't normally do while she's around.

I miss her like mad while she's gone but the break does us all the world of good. It reminds DH and I of who we are when we're not Mummy & Daddy, and it also reminds us all how much we love each other, even when we're tired, ill and grumpy :o

It also means DD is a lot closer to her Grandparents than I ever was with mine. I lived 10 minutes away from my Grandparents and we'd see them for about an hour once a week or fortnight. DD sees her Grandparents for about 2 full days every 3 or 4 weeks.

kingthistle · 28/03/2011 19:54

I'm a SAHM and as a result of having no family nearby, and a boob obsessed baby I NEVER go out.

Do I wine the prize?

kingthistle · 28/03/2011 19:54

wine Grin

WereOffToSeeTheWizard · 28/03/2011 20:15

King a SAH pissed M - no prizes for that Grin

WereOffToSeeTheWizard · 28/03/2011 20:17

Flower I see you have chosen to ignore the posters who ask why don't you work part time or stay at home full time to spend every minute with your dd?

iwasyoungonce · 28/03/2011 20:21

YABU.

Funnily enough, my mum always used to say that very same line "why do they bother having kids, if they don't want to look after them themselves?" about mothers like you, that work full time.

I'm glad to say that she has changed her tune somewhat over the years!

There's nothing wrong with letting nan & grandad look after the kids every once in a while so that you can spend some time together. Try it - you might like it! Smile

LeQueen · 28/03/2011 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hmc · 28/03/2011 21:58

Parental martyrdom is not healthy. YABU

lookatthetime · 28/03/2011 21:59

I dont see a problem with children going to their GP's tbh. But i guess you are thinking they are being shunted off too often. This i can agree with.

I have a neighbour who has 2 children. She works fulltime - to her credit. GP's have the children Mon - Fri from school and they go home at 7pm. Every other weekend they go to their dads house for the wekkend. The weekend in between they are sent to GP's for mother to go out with her mates and return home on Sunday evening. It would make more sense if mother went out the weekend the children were at their dads. Giving them the other weekend to spend together as a family.

Sometimes parents take the piss.

MammyT · 28/03/2011 22:57

Am I the only one who has friends with nannies/childcare on the days they don't work? One proudly exclaimed that they had found a brilliant weekend nanny, to complement the full-time one.

I really try hard not to judge but that is too much IMO.

Occasional trips to GPs if they're willing and able? Perfect! A totally different league to the 'paid help'.