To think that parents should look after their own kids

[Flower1000]

Ok I'm probably going to get flamed for this one but I'm interested to see if it is just me being a grumpy cow or maybe it's a generation thing.

Ok so here goes. I have one daughter and have to work full time to pay bills etc etc as does my DH, so she goes to a childminder. Because I don't stay at home with her I make a point of ensuring I'm around for the rest of the time. I's a very rare occasion that myself and my husband go out without her, as I feel it's not fair as she doesn't see us during the week day. We don't have a regular 'date night', our parents don't look after her so we can have some 'us' time and I think we've only left her overnight once with her grandparents and this was unavoidable. My thinking on this is, we wanted her, so we have responsibility for her and everything that comes with having kids.

I feel that if you have kids you also have to be prepared to look after them, this means giving up stuff you did before you had them.

So many of my friends also work full time but are more than happy to let 'grandma' look after their DD every other weekend, and/or once or twice during the week. Some close friends go to work, pick up the DD then drop her off at grannies and go to the gym. Some also have a week or two week holiday once a year without their kids!!! I couldn't bear to be without my DD for that long let alone go on holiday, it strikes me as being VERY selfish! I have to ask, why bother having kids if this is the way you treat them??

So am I being a grumpy old git (i'm 38 btw ) :)

your a hypocrite too

doh! spending

YABU and NBU

On the one hand I can understand where you're coming from - if you have DCs, it's nice to spend time with them particularly if finances/reality dictate that you need and/or want to work. I mean, I flipping HAAAAAATE it when you get the whole "why have children if you're going to go to work and give the care over to someone else?" because, that's just moronic. but anyways.

I think YABU on one level if everything you do outside of work is super child focused and you don't have any time on your own or as a couple. I don't think it's healthy for children to be that much the centre of attention, and I don't think it's healthy for a couple to have absolutely no couple time. Yes, going away for two weeks sans DCs is a bit much, but a regular date night? Remember that your DCs (hopefully) won't be living with your forever, and you should have and maintain a relationship with your DH/DP - he's what you're going to have once they're gone. I have seen, so many times on MN, these women where their children are the complete focus of their lives, and all of a sudden their relationship is falling apart, the DH is having an affair. Obviously having an affair is rarely justified, but if someone feels neglected, they'll react to get attention.

I think there is a lot of middle ground - I do sometimes wonder why some people have children as they rarely ever see them (I mean what is the point) A lad in DCs class said "my mum works all the time, when she gets time off she goes to the gymn rather than spend time with me" - he's with nana before/after school, all through holidays and only goes home to sleep - hes constantly in trouble and just crying out for some time with his Mum.

On the other hand you do need to maintain some life of your own - sooner or later your little chick will want to spread its wings and you dont want to be a suffocating parent - most children love to stay at Nanas and be spoilt.

Personally I think the ideal situation is somewhere in the middle - no I cannot do everything I used to, I love spending time with the children, but on the other hand I do need to maintain some me time.

i'm one of those that sends DD off to grandma's every other weekend, i'm very lucky that my family enjoy spending time with DD and it is a nice break for me. to be fair though i don't work full time so i do get alot of time through the week with my DD. if/when i have another child i think it will be different, i couldn't expect my family to see to a newborn and my DD, surely that's taking the piss?

i see your point though, i have a friend who told me that she's "really proud of herself" and "she's done really well" because her DD (aged 3) hadn't been "minded" by her grandmother for 2 weeks, my poor friend had done it all alone for 2 whole weeks!

YABU You do what you want with your child. But how does a 'date night' when my dcs are in bed affect them?

You sound like you want praise for being a martyr to your child, and I'm not going to give it to you. We can all judge the "Can baby David stay Friday?" "when are you picking him up?" "Sunday". But you aren't talking about that. You are trying to say that we should all look after our own the whole time, apart from when we choose to go to work, because that is what you do.

You sound like you are feeling guilty for working FT, and trying to convince ourself that you make up for that. There are some people who will judge you for having a baby and putting her with a childminder all day. But I'm not one of them.

You are still Unreasonable though.

YABU

I don't think parents should have to give up a lot of stuff just because they children.

I don't see who benefits from it. I still went out clubbing after having kids, went for weekends away and have worked abroad. DH went to work away for a whole year and only came back at weekends, and has been on a holiday with friends abroad. We also have other people's children in the house a lot because I am happy to help other people out.

I think it is very negative for parents (and most frequently mothers) to be put under a lot of pressure to be constantly with their own kids. We should be more sharing as a society.

god I need more sleep - I just read

"I'm sure the children enjoy spending time with 'grandma'."

as

"I'm sure the chicken enjoy spending time with 'grandma'.

Being a parent doesn't mean being a matry - I think it's healthy for children to understand that you are still a human who has their own interests, and wants, and needs and sometimes gets them.

I'm currently a SAHM to my 3 DS's, and am on my own. My DS's know I love them but DS1 and 2 (10 and 7) also know that I relish the time they go to their dad's as it gives ME a break as well as them.

Now you see we have the opposite problem. We have always done all of our childcare ourselves or paid for it. However, lovely GPs have just moved near us. They now want one of the dcs to stay with them at the weekends and I don't want them to as I would miss them! How to communicate this though?

To answer the op - you should always assume that you and your partner are solely responsible for childcare - anything else is a bonus.

Put me down on your selfish list please.

That's if it is indeed selfish to want a break from being a lone mother 24/7 for more than 15 years.

I'm happy to be one of the people you judge and look down upon - far rather that than be a martyr and resent my children because I have no time for myself.

Besides... what other people do is none of your business, is it?

I'm sure the chickens do Baroque

What's not to love about chickens and grandmas?

At one stage I was working full time and my mother (who already did two days childcare for me) babysat so I could go to the gym for an dhour on Friday night

Why do you htink this is a problem for DS? Do you think that he suffers from not having me there for that hour or two? In what way? I would so love to beleive that my parenting skills are so superior to my mums but sadly I suspect they are at ebst just barely adequate (and additioanlly she has chocolate in teh house).

I have compromised a great deal in order to have DS, significantly lower income in order to take a less pressurised job and little social life. DO you really grudge me that evening at the gym? Do you really think DS has it so hard? Social services are quite happy with my lifestyle and DS's so I feel confident that I am making at least not too damaging choices for him but curious as to what harm you think he is coming to?

My thinking on this is, we wanted her, so we have responsibility for her and everything that comes with having kids.

So why do you leave her and go out to work then if you feel so strongly about it? What an utter load of hypocritical bollocks!

The fact is that most people find a balance between work / parenting / life that works for everyone. Cutting out any time for yourself because you go to work doesn't make you a better parent, and criticising those that do, just makes you sound like you have a major guilt issue and, more to the point, like a judgemental martyr.

Also, is your DD up all night? Do you really think that being there when she's in bed instead of getting a babysitter and spending some time with your DH/DP makes you a better parent? How do you work that one out?

If you have one child then I'm pretty sure that unless you live in some great big country pile somewhere you don't both need to work full time, but rather have chosen to.

I think this post is more about you trying to justify to yourself that you're doing the right thing by your daughter by working FT and having her with a childminder.
Nobody here will judge you for that, just as you have no right to judge other people for what they choose to do.

I am PMSL that you put "To think that parents should look after their own kids" as your title and yet you think it's fine for your dc to be looked after by a child minder all week. Hypocritical much?!

Not that I have a problem with working parents btw, just pointing out the discrepancy like everyone else :o

I'm a lone parent who works and the dc's get looked after by my family so I can go to the gym / run errands. They never have over-night stays though.

TBH I've forgotten my DC's names as I hardly see them

and I went down to 4 days a week from full time and took a significant pay cut and hit to income for the benefit of my ds AND I'm the only bread winner AND I'm the only parent so despite the gym once a week I still feel that I am ahead in the self-righteous matyred parent stakes.

I think you are selfish for working, I think you should give up work and live in a caravan so you can spend more time with your DD.

i am a sahm and every weekend my 4 yr old dd oes nad stays with her cousins or mil or my mum or my friends, that is because she enjoys it and i feel it is important for her to build and sustain close family ties and relationships. i dont expect anyone to take her and i dnt do anythin special the days people have her i am home with other youner dcs. if i am plannin a day out i wouldnt ask them to look after her as i would feel uilty, it is beneficial to the whole family for children to spend time with relatives.

YABVU and a martyr. Is it perhaps because, deep down, you feel guilty about being a WOHM? Or secretly jealous of those with grandparents who regularly look after the dc? Who says that spending all their time with their parents is necessarily the best thing for dc anyway? Variety is the spice of life and all that - I'm sure in most cases the grandparents and the children get loads out of spending time together.
Sorry if I sound harsh. I never usually post on AIBU threads, but this kind of parental one-upmanship really irritates me. Never going out with your husband does NOT make you a better parent. In fact if it were me, it would make me a much more grumpy parent. Lighten up.

I find your post entirely hypocritical I'm afraid. You think people who choose to have children should "be prepared to look after them" and yet you go out to work full time and leave her with a childminder Going by your own theory, you should either give up work or shouldn't have had a child in the first instance.

I have a velcro 4 yo (DH calls her the Handbag) who does not want me out of her sight for one second. But she asks to go and stay at grandmas. I've been ill so she's had a lot of time at grandmas in the last few weeks, and she doesn't want to come home

When our older children were little we used to leave them with GPs for a week every year and go away on holiday on our own . We worked shifts around them so DH and I hardly saw each-other. That week every year kept us sane and together.

YABVU (and very judgemental)

So OP, your child spends most of her waking hours with her childminder then? Why did you bother having her? Surely she deserves to be lavished with your attention and not fobbed off to someone else to take care of her.

Sounds ridiculous doesn't it?

where's the op?

OP I agree with you, I never went out the house until my children were teenagers, as I worked full time and the only time they saw me was evenings and weekends.

When you have children you make sacrifices.