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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that parents should look after their own kids

202 replies

Flower1000 · 28/03/2011 10:59

Ok I'm probably going to get flamed for this one but I'm interested to see if it is just me being a grumpy cow or maybe it's a generation thing.

Ok so here goes. I have one daughter and have to work full time to pay bills etc etc as does my DH, so she goes to a childminder. Because I don't stay at home with her I make a point of ensuring I'm around for the rest of the time. I's a very rare occasion that myself and my husband go out without her, as I feel it's not fair as she doesn't see us during the week day. We don't have a regular 'date night', our parents don't look after her so we can have some 'us' time and I think we've only left her overnight once with her grandparents and this was unavoidable. My thinking on this is, we wanted her, so we have responsibility for her and everything that comes with having kids.

I feel that if you have kids you also have to be prepared to look after them, this means giving up stuff you did before you had them.

So many of my friends also work full time but are more than happy to let 'grandma' look after their DD every other weekend, and/or once or twice during the week. Some close friends go to work, pick up the DD then drop her off at grannies and go to the gym. Some also have a week or two week holiday once a year without their kids!!! I couldn't bear to be without my DD for that long let alone go on holiday, it strikes me as being VERY selfish! I have to ask, why bother having kids if this is the way you treat them??

So am I being a grumpy old git (i'm 38 btw ) :)

OP posts:
compo · 28/03/2011 14:21

'And of course it is about families being closer - if you don't want to look after your grandchildren or you don't want to care for an elderly family, then in what sense are you close?'

because you go on holiday together, celebrate special occasions together...

You don't have to dump the kids on them to be close to them you can enjoy time altogether

compo · 28/03/2011 14:23

I can spend every Sunday having lunch with my kids and my parents instead of asking them to look after them
I can invite my dad for tea with us every night
is that close enough for you MillyR?

Ciske · 28/03/2011 14:24

I deliberately tried not to make it personal and made a sweeping statement so not to upset any particular group - I shouldn't have bothered.

You called FT working parents selfish for asking others to babysit their children. Obviously that kind of strong moral judgement will get a response back. How can you be surprised at that?

MillyR · 28/03/2011 14:25

How does that work then? Is it like having a boyfriend who'll take you out to dinner but does a runner if you are ill?

You go out to celebrate a birthday with your mum, but if she is in hospital ill, you tell her she was raised to be an independent adult and she should get on with it?

People who are close care about each other.

Dumping kids is a horrible term, presumably used by families where children are seen as some kind of hassle, not one where there is more than enough love to go around.

MillyR · 28/03/2011 14:28

Compo, I'm not going to comment on your personal family circumstances! That is up to you.

I don't understand why grandparents, or aunts, uncles, friends, neighbours wouldn't want to form a relationship with your children that wasn't entirely mediated through the presence of parents.

I'm not familiar with such a lifestyle, and I wouldn't have enjoyed it growing up, but if you were brought up that way and have enjoyed it, then I can see why you would want it for your own children.

Original poster
Flower1000 · 28/03/2011 14:31

No envy here LeQueen I'm afraid, I enjoy my social life and it doesn't solely revolve around my DD either. But there is a balance to strike.

I do still believe that because I'm away from her during the daytime, than the vast majority, of my spare time, should be spent with her.

If people have a problem with that then, I'm sorry, I refuse to be held to ramson for wanting to be there for my DD, be as involved, as I can, in her upbringing. If other people are happy to do differently then it's up to them. Doesn't mean I have to accept or agree with that. And I won't be brow beaten into agreeing with it either. That's no me being superior or condesending, that is simply my opinion.

Rosie, happy to listen to others opinion, even the rude ones. However I was listening then got slated for not responding, hence my response. Sometimes it appears you can't win.

Ciske, true, i'll be held accountable for that one. Strong response yes, publically flayed - I wasn't expecting that.

OP posts:
compo · 28/03/2011 14:32

Jeez! I've no idea why you've brought up parents being ill

There is nothing wrong with having a perfectly good relationship with grandparents that doesn't involve childcare

my dad takes my kids to the park while I wash up

I just don't expect him to that's all

you're twisting my words to try to prove your point

MillyR · 28/03/2011 14:38

Compo, I am raising it because that is what happens in life. People are born, they have children, they get old, often become ill, and die. That means that people spend a lot of their adult life looking after other people that they care about.

Unless you live in a John Lewis advert.

LessNarkyPuffin · 28/03/2011 14:40

Shit, you think this is a flaying? People have been relatively restrained and given you the benefit of the doubt by not treating you like a troll.

BlingLoving · 28/03/2011 14:40

"If people have a problem with that then, I'm sorry, I refuse to be held to ramson for wanting to be there for my DD, be as involved, as I can, in her upbringing. If other people are happy to do differently then it's up to them."

Well, that's not what you said in your OP. In your OP, you said that you thought everyone who works full time should do it the way you do. It's a judgement statement, so you shouldn't be surprised when people respond accordingly.

manicinsomniac · 28/03/2011 14:42

Yeah, you're being unreasonable.

I view myself as a person first, then a mother. I work bloody hard and I refuse to have zero social life just because I have children. As long as my children are safe, happy and looked after by someone who cares about them I do not need that person to be me.

noodle69 · 28/03/2011 14:50

It depends if you are from a very close knit family. I dont see anything weird about spending time with GPs, aunts and uncles, other extended family members etc. I would say its totally normal and not selfish at all. Children get to learn what it is like to be loved and cared for by people that love them.

They get many different experiences and also the parents get to work/or have time for their marriage as a couple. I think there isnt any downsides to it tbh. Its what I have always known through my childhood and now with our own child.

LeQueen · 28/03/2011 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully · 28/03/2011 14:54

People shpuldn't have children if they are too old to look after them. It's plain not right.

noodle69 · 28/03/2011 15:01

I will add now having read more it would probably be different if I wasnt with my daughter all day (as she comes to work with me to) so would be missing her lots but if you are seeing her all day like me then having a break to do something different is sometimes nice. I dont think people that do let GPs look after their kids and work full time though are selfish they probably just want some time as a couple which is fair enough.

eatyourveg · 28/03/2011 15:10

Haven't read all the thread but read the title then what the mner had to say and figured is it me not understanding, or is the OP one big contradiction?

You're a parent, so in your words ,you should be looking after your own kid - but you're not - you use a child minder. Stinks of double standards in my book. Sorry

tubeofcanesten · 28/03/2011 15:11

squirt squirt squirt

Gemsy83 · 28/03/2011 15:19

OP I agree with you, I never went out the house until my children were teenagers, as I worked full time and the only time they saw me was evenings and weekends.

Fabby is that why you always appear so bloody miserable?

Dinosaurhunter · 28/03/2011 15:19

Op I agree with you to a certain extent , my sisters constantly leave their children with my mum though they don't work but can't be bothered !
And on another note it drives me mad when people see it to be a bad thing to plan your life around your children and make Them the centre of your world , so so sad .

LeQueen · 28/03/2011 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TandB · 28/03/2011 15:27

I don't understand why this "annoys" you or why you feel the need to say that "I'm sorry, I refuse to be held to ramson for wanting to be there for my DD".

Who is holding you to ransom? Why do the actions of others, which do not affect you, annoy you?

If you hadn't felt the need to announce how much this annoys you then you wouldn't now be feeling like you need to defend your choices.

Isn't this an absolutely classic example of live and let live?

AccioPinotGrigio · 28/03/2011 15:33

YABU. I thank God every day for my IL's and for the fact they love having ds and he loves going to visit/stay with them on the odd weekend.

My parents are both dead now and I feel sorry for my sister and her husband who basically have no support whatsoever from family (her parents live overseas and I live at the other end of the country). Having the odd night off from small children is good for all of you.

AccioPinotGrigio · 28/03/2011 15:34

his parents live overseas not hers/mine.

AddictedtoCrunchies · 28/03/2011 15:40

DS has one night and day a week with each set of grandparents. He loves it and they love it. He does gardening with both (we don't have a garden) as well as playing football, lorry and bus-spotting, cooking and baking (I'm rubbish at both) and all sorts.

He has his own room in both houses with clothes, and toys (more than he has at home!!). He has done this since he was tiny.

As a result, he is a happy and confident little boy. And I am a sane and happy mother. I work part-time and so we have one day a week together just me and him plus the weekends and evenings.

ILs are taking him away for a week in a caravan in July and my mum and dad are taking him away for a couple of weekends. Their choice - they asked us if they could. We agreed straight away as it means DS will have those holidays plus two weeks in a caravan with me and DH. How lucky is he?

Why would I keep him home with me constantly when he can spend time with grandparents who love him?

Domesticbodess · 28/03/2011 15:40

It's totally a personal choice. I don't choose to leave my dc a great deal and wouldn't leave them to go on holiday but that's just me and I don't think one can judge people who do it differently. People often have far more to give their children if they have a life of their own and don't feel like a down-trodden martyr.