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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my parents are selfish ****'s?

201 replies

jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 18:25

sorry for typos, nursing at keyboard! Anyway, my parents (divorced) both live close to us, my mum doesn't work and is fit and healthy - my dad works but spends all his free time doing self absorbed new age workshops. DH and i have 3 dc's from 4 months to 5 years. It was our decision to have 3 children and i'm not trying to shirk my responsibilities but DH and i haven't even been out for as much as a meal together for over a year. my mum will come over on a sunday if we cook her a roast, arriving 10 mins before we eat and leaving half an hour after we finish, this is the only time my dc's see her. my dad is just as bad and just so utterly self absorbed. our dc's are going to have no memories of their gp's at all , they never offer to do anything with them... Aibu to think they are selfish?

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 26/03/2011 18:28

It really is sad if your parents are not interested in their grandchildren. My pils are the same.
But you can't change that.
It doesn't make them selfish not to babysit though. It would be great if they did but it really is their choice.

It is shit that you don't get out though. Can you not get a babysitter?

NestaFiesta · 26/03/2011 18:28

Need more info. Have you asked them outright to babysit or are you waiting for them to guess?
When your Mum comes over what kind of reception do you give her i.e are you annoyed when she arrrives and leaves?
Have you tried involving them in stuff i.e a picnic/park time etc?

Some GPs don't like to impose or interfere until asked directly.

I'm not saying YABU, just trying to read between the lines.

squeakytoy · 26/03/2011 18:29

They are not selfish, they are grandparents, not child care.

Have you asked them to babysit?

Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 18:31

squeakytoy - i'm not asking them to be 'child care', just to take some interest in their grandchildren!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 26/03/2011 18:32

But are you asking them? or are you waiting for them to ask?

ENormaSnob · 26/03/2011 18:35

Sounds the same as my ils and my parents.

I will not be providing for them in their old age.

wonkeydonkies · 26/03/2011 18:35

pay for a babysitter if you want to go out

you cant force people to be interested in YOUR children, maybe they will be when they are more interesting/independent, maybe they wont be

they have done their bit with kids, maybe now they dont want to be involved with them, sometimes kids can be noisy and very irritating

StealthPolarBear · 26/03/2011 18:36

but the op shouldn't have to say "please can you converse with your grandchildren?" or "please could you play a game with them" that is just ridiculous. If the GPs want a relationship they would do that stuff, if they don't (as it seems) they won't.
Babysitting is another thing - yes in that case it's fair enough to say "but have you asked"

Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 18:36

My dad said he won't babysit full stop. My mum is either out drinking or if she isn't pretends she is so she doesn't have to babysit, it's a bit like 'oh, maybe in two months time but i'll have to get back to you on that'
tbh it's not even that, it's more the complete lack of desire to spend any time with them, they are well behaved children btw!

OP posts:
rickymummy · 26/03/2011 18:38

Just the way it is sometimes, I'm afraid.

My parents used to be the same, I used to have to beg for any help, and it usually involved me driving an hour up the motorway so they could babysit while we went out near them. In reality, what I wanted was them to have some quality time with their grandchildren but my relationship with my Dad was a strange one, in that I just felt I couldn't comment or criticise in any way.

My Dad died a couple of years ago, and my Mum now visits a lot, and has a far richer relationship with my children. It is sad, though, because she couldn't see why it took my oldest so long to be relaxed with her. It is also terribly sad, because my eldest never mentions my Dad at all, and I think he won't have many memories of him, whilst he completely adores my father in law.

Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 18:38

wonkeydonkies - oh how controversial of you. you know what if that is their attitude then i guess my dc's are better of not spending time with them - wouldn't want it to rub off or anything

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 26/03/2011 18:39

Jingle, are you my bil? Wink

Pagwatch · 26/03/2011 18:41

Jinglebelly
Lots of people are responding to you in an interested and helpful way. Why are you only engaging with the people you disagree with?

Don't you want to discuss it or do you just want to vent?

MarianneM · 26/03/2011 18:42

I don't really get your complaint. Your mother comes round once a week -is that quite often really. Believe me, it can be rather more annoying to have them coming round all the time!

And why should your parents offer to do stuff with your children? You mean take them off your hands? GPs are not duty bound to do that. It's strange people expect that as a matter of course! My BIL and SIL are currently "grooming" FIL and his partner (who like their GCs but are not that interested in looking after them) to look after their son so they can have time alone or something.

My DH and I haven't had a meal together without the kids since DD1 was born more than two years ago, and I don't feel hard done by. They'll be out of your hands in due course.

And I think it's a bit much to describe your father's interests as "self-absorbed". How are his (admittedly barmy-sounding) new age workshops any more self-absorbed than any activities you may have/have had/will have? They have done their time - give them a break.

BooyHoo · 26/03/2011 18:42

sorry but i am with wonkies. they did not choose for you to have children so them choosing to spend very little time with them is not selfish. they have no obligation or duty to your DC. yes it would be lovely if tehy wanted to see them more often but they dont and that is their right as grandparents rather than parents.

Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 18:43

Pagwatch - sorry didn't realise i was doing that, ha! umm maybe i want a vent?! Yes i do want to discuss too Grin

OP posts:
80sMum · 26/03/2011 18:43

You can't make them interested if they're not, I'm afraid.

I suspect that they'd be surprised, perhaps hurt, to hear you say that you think they're not interested. They probably are interested, but they are perhaps just not the type to be very hands-on. They sound a bit like how my own parents were.

My DCs had (and still have) a very close and loving relationship with my MIL, but not with my own mother, because MIL had them round a lot when they were little and my own parents didn't. My mother is, of course, very interested in my children but just isn't the same sort of person as MIL. That's just the way it is. Maybe your parents are similar.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 26/03/2011 18:46

I think you are going the wrong way about it to focus on the babysitting aspect.

It is a shame though that they don't want to come and spend time - although have you really talked to them about that as a separate issue from them providing childcare for you?

My parents love spending time with DS, it is brilliant. MIL and FIL are divorced, and MIL has a good relationship with DS although we don't see her as often as we do my parents because she lives further away and spends a fair amount of time looking after her mother.
FIL is another story though - he is totally uninterested in DS it seems. We have invited him here loads and he never comes. He spends loads of time with SIL and her family, but even when he is there he sits on his arse and expects to be waited on, and certainly doesn't really play or engage with his DGCs.

Nothing we can do about it though, and I'm fed up pushing it because it upsets DH.

darleneconnor · 26/03/2011 18:46

Would either of them do anything with the eldest one like swimming or the park?

I agree with you about them being shelfish but does anyones gps bbsit 3 under 5s at once? Lots of people dont like the resonsibility of v young dcs esps those still in nappies.

ecobatty · 26/03/2011 18:47

YANBU, but sadly a lot of people are selfish arses.

It's their loss ultimately, they will die alone and unloved. Taking active care is what really form the deep bonds - you know, the ones that keep people wanting to go and visit you when you are no longer able to do much of interest.

ENormaSnob · 26/03/2011 18:47

Imvho I agree with booyhoo.

The flip side is that I feel it absolves me from any moral obligation when they are old and possibly in need of support themselves.

Are there other issues op?

withagoat · 26/03/2011 18:49

have you asked them to sit

Pagwatch · 26/03/2011 18:49
Grin

Fair enough.

I just ask because I used to get really angry that my pils were not interested - just could not understand it because I couldn't see how they would not want to be with their only grandchildren.

I was much much happier once I realised they just felt differently. I let them get on with it, stopped trying to engage with them about the children and waited for them to show some interest.

Interestingly, now ds1 is nearly an adult they are desperately interested in trying to see him, talk to him, watch his sport etc.
He dislikes them and is uninterested in having a relationship with them.

So now they are keen to see the other two.
I think they didn't want the kiddie years and only now realised that you can't just chose to be interested when you are ready. Teenagers rarely want a relationship with grandparents they don't know.

But you can't make them be interested if they are not.
Let it go. You will be much happier.

Oh, and get a babysitter.

Adversecamber · 26/03/2011 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ssd · 26/03/2011 18:50

op. I don't blame you in the least, to me all you ask is a bit of love and involvement, shouldn't be too much for them!

we have no help and it is totally crap, we have no family and those we have (S andBIL) couldn't be less involved if they were on the moon

YANBU, vent/rant away