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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my parents are selfish ****'s?

201 replies

jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 18:25

sorry for typos, nursing at keyboard! Anyway, my parents (divorced) both live close to us, my mum doesn't work and is fit and healthy - my dad works but spends all his free time doing self absorbed new age workshops. DH and i have 3 dc's from 4 months to 5 years. It was our decision to have 3 children and i'm not trying to shirk my responsibilities but DH and i haven't even been out for as much as a meal together for over a year. my mum will come over on a sunday if we cook her a roast, arriving 10 mins before we eat and leaving half an hour after we finish, this is the only time my dc's see her. my dad is just as bad and just so utterly self absorbed. our dc's are going to have no memories of their gp's at all , they never offer to do anything with them... Aibu to think they are selfish?

OP posts:
BooyHoo · 26/03/2011 20:54

"I don't know why you;re arguing this point. No one has said they can't."

OP said that her father should be giving some of his time to her children.

i was responding to this by saying he didn't have to. it is up to him to do what he wants with his time.

pointydog · 26/03/2011 20:56

Did she say should?

fedupofnamechanging · 26/03/2011 20:56

MN is a funny place. On the one hand posters are told that it takes a village to raise a child. But on the other hand, god forbid you should expect your parents to want to see their grandchildren or help you out a bit.

OP, I think your parents sound bloody awful. Grandparents (when they are good) can offer so much to children. I can't imagine not caring enough about my children's children, to offer that kind of relationship.

No, they are not obliged to do jack shit, but family should want to help each other and spend time together.

OP, I am with the posters who say that in their old age, you will be able, without guilt, to concentrate on your family and leave them to their own devices. Sad that it is that way though.

FabbyChic · 26/03/2011 20:57

I still think you expect too much. They have a life, you have yours. Leave them to live theirs as they see fit and get off ya horse.

BooyHoo · 26/03/2011 20:57

yep she did.

BooyHoo · 26/03/2011 20:58

"jinglebelly Sat 26-Mar-11 19:36:11
BooyHoo - he should have some time to give to his grandchildren"

bibbitybobbityhat · 26/03/2011 20:59

I find this interesting because I am of the baby boomer generation.

So, while I am the parent of fairly young children myself, I am also quite old enough to be a grandparent.

I think it is NOT unreasonable to want your parents to be interested in your children and involved in their lives as far as it is possible to be, given work/location etc.

It is NOT unreasonable to hope that your parents will babysit occasionally so that you can go out for an evening.

I think it IS unreasonable to expect your parents to provide regular childcare.

sunshinescarlett · 26/03/2011 20:59

YANBU to expext your parents to have some interest in their grandchildren. I believe that one of the joys of having your own children, is to be able to also gain pleasure out your grandchildren. Why have your own kids, if you look upon both them and the grandchildren as a chore Hmm. I am in a similar situation and I find it really hurtful, although my situation is slightly improving. You get out of life what you put into it, and these grandparents need to consider this if they are hoping for a close relationship with their DGC in the future.

Violethill · 26/03/2011 20:59

I don't think the OPs parents sound bloody awful. They just sound as though they have lives of their own. Admittedly I would get a bit pissed off with always cooking the Sunday lunch and never being invited back - but presumably the OP chooses to keep inviting her mum.

The in laws sound a bit unusual in getting paralytic every weekend, but the OP says they are great the rest of the time, so each to their own, eh?

ssd · 26/03/2011 21:00

what goes round comes round

my MIL had very little interest in my kids

she dies recently, they didn't cry at the funeral or any other time

they haven't mentioned her

she missed out more than them

ssd · 26/03/2011 21:01

sorry, dies not dies

ssd · 26/03/2011 21:01

jesus wept

died

Thingumy · 26/03/2011 21:04

'but presumably the OP chooses to keep inviting her mum'

She's probably pursuing this regular lunch in some vain hope of her mother finally interacting with her grandchildren.

Pesha · 26/03/2011 21:05

I don't suppose there are responsibilities as a grandparent. They owe us nothing. That doesn't stop it hurting when nothing is what we get though.

My mum was quite involved when dd was little and would babysit quite often, maybe once a month, and visit every few weeks too. But it has declined ever since ds1 was born as I said earlier. I don't expect or even want babysitting from her, I am lucky that I have a friend with a teenage daughter who is always willing to babysit should I want it and dp's parents offer to have them overnight once every few months which is lovely. I don't expect child care from her, I was unable to find work for quite some time due to difficulties of childcare and so am now a childminder so I don't need it. I would never have asked my mum for regular help, although she did have my sister's dd one day a fortnight.

But I would like her to want to see all my dc and spend time with them. Several years ago I did ask her to look after ds1, I explained that I didn't expect her to have both dc (I only had 2 at the time) so had asked my dad to have dd, she said that was unfair that he got dd and she had ds1. We have seen less and less of her over the years. Perhaps I am to blame as I have stopped asking and suggesting things. I haven't rung her since christmas. I am currenlty trying to work out my options for what to do with my dc when I go into labour but I will not be asking my mum for help. She might say yes, I don't know. But I don't want to give her the chance to say no to me. I don't want her to know that I care.

BooyHoo · 26/03/2011 21:05

how do you (plural) know that it bothered the grandparents not to have a close relationship with their dcs? some people just don't value that.

Violethill · 26/03/2011 21:07

If its really that grim, with the mother sitting there eating her roast dinner and ignoring the children, then I would advise the OP to give up.

But I suspect the truth is somewhere in the middle.

The grandmother may not be Mary Poppins, but she probably isn't a wicked witch either.

Violethill · 26/03/2011 21:07

(That was to thingumy)

Pesha · 26/03/2011 21:09

Sorry I went off on one then a bit, very self involved Blush

This has been bothering me a bit lately anyway, probably just the pg hormones!

thebird · 26/03/2011 21:11

YANBU
What happened to famililes being close and helping eachother. For generations GPs have had a huge part to play in their GCs lives but now it seems everyone is so self absorbed and its everyone for themselves. Sad really.

earlyriser · 26/03/2011 21:13

I just find this all very sad. I expect to look after my parent's when they need it (they would hate to be a 'burden' but i totally feel it is my duty after everything they have done for me).

When/if i have grandchildren i would hope to be a big part of their life. NOT bringing them up per se but just being there for them and having a relationship with them.

Otherwise (and flame away but i truly believe this)why even have children? Isn't this what families should be about?

OP isn't asking for her parents to care for her kids while she works, she isn't asking for them to take them for a week while she goes on holiday, she would just like them to pay their grandchildren some attention!!

TryLikingClarity · 26/03/2011 21:18

OP - I have to say some people are being rather harsh on you, and using the thread as a soapbox for their own points of view.

FWIW, I can see it from your viewpoint - you're not asking them to be hugely involved in childcare regularly, but you are wanting them to spend quality time with your DC and to enjoy it. I don't think that makes you demanding, selfish or greedy.

To give you another perspective: all 4 of my grandparents were pretty much 100% hands-off with my siblings and I. None of them ever drove up to our house, never spent time with us and I can't remember any trips they took us on. The only real contact I remember is getting a few £ in birthday and Christmas cards.

One of my grandparents ended up emotionally blackmailing us (bordering on abuse) so I can see why my parents didn't want to nurture a relationship with her...

But the others just were not interested. They had their own activities and interests and just didn't appear to think of us or to make their love known.

As a child it was hard and I felt that there must be something wrong with me and my siblings. My parents worked hard to show us love and to limit any damage caused from our grandparents disinterest.

Strengthen the family bonds you do have, and don't dwell on those who aren't interested.

In the long run it may turn out to be their mistake and their loss.

skybluepearl · 26/03/2011 21:33

my parents are not interested in my kids either. they don't really chat to my kids when we eat together but then they were the same with me when i was little.

i see it as their loss. they will never truely know their grand children as you only really get out of a relationship what you put in.

I really plan to have interests AND a close relationship with my own gc when i'm older.

Pagwatch · 26/03/2011 21:40

" - I have to say some people are being rather harsh on you, and using the thread as a soapbox for their own points of view."

But of course they do. The topic asks for exactly that.
And that is exactly what you have done.

TryLikingClarity · 26/03/2011 21:42

Pag - yes I know I am putting forth my pov in my first post, but I wasn't laying into the OP as some others were.

I know she asked for opinions, but I just think that she needed a bit of sensitivity from all of us as a) we don't know her situation fully, b) she seems upset.

It is an emotive issue for everyone though, so I know tensions run high when grandparent threads come up.

Thingumy · 26/03/2011 21:53

I do find it sad as I think these grandparents are failing to realise that they could enrich our children's lives as they grow up.

I would of hated not to have my Grandma (now 78) in my life-I stayed with her during holidays because she wanted to spend time with me (and I think my mother wanted 'her time off') and we had the most wonderful times.She has had my dd stay with her once or twice a year from the age of 5.

She would love to have ds to stay but is scared of her age and dying in the night Sad,she wishes she was younger so she could treat my children like she did me.

My children call her grandma even though she's their great-grandma and there is no mention of my mother from them.

It just shows you,you reap what you sow.

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