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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my parents are selfish ****'s?

201 replies

jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 18:25

sorry for typos, nursing at keyboard! Anyway, my parents (divorced) both live close to us, my mum doesn't work and is fit and healthy - my dad works but spends all his free time doing self absorbed new age workshops. DH and i have 3 dc's from 4 months to 5 years. It was our decision to have 3 children and i'm not trying to shirk my responsibilities but DH and i haven't even been out for as much as a meal together for over a year. my mum will come over on a sunday if we cook her a roast, arriving 10 mins before we eat and leaving half an hour after we finish, this is the only time my dc's see her. my dad is just as bad and just so utterly self absorbed. our dc's are going to have no memories of their gp's at all , they never offer to do anything with them... Aibu to think they are selfish?

OP posts:
Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 19:36

BooyHoo - he should have some time to give to his grandchildren, not all of it but a bit of it if he wants any kind of relationship with them at all and not want to grow old with his grandkids taking no interest in him.. I think that would also be rather sad

OP posts:
BooyHoo · 26/03/2011 19:38

he could jinglebelly, he could not should. there is no should about it. he has no obligation to your children. he could spend some time with them he chooses to do something he enjoys better.

when i have my children raised, i intend to spend alot more time on myself. i wont be selfish for doing so. i wont be wrong either.

Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 19:40

worraliberty - how is saying someone gets paralectically drunk at the weekends being judgemental? That's what they do, someone asked and I have been honest as to what they do with their weekends, why, how would you phrase that?
No, I don't think they pick up a hostile attitude from me, we get on well but they would rather get paraletically drunk - to the point they pass out - than come to visit their grandkids.

OP posts:
hairylights · 26/03/2011 19:41

jinglebelly who are you to decide what anyone should do with their time???

bintofbohemia · 26/03/2011 19:42

I think it's fairly fricking tragic that people aren't interested in forging relationships with the next generation of their family. I can't relate to it, I can't imagine not wanting to know/spend time with my children's children.

Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 19:42

BooyHoo - absolutely, there is spending your time doing things you enjoy and time by yourself but most people could do this and find some time to spend with their grandchildren, not even babysitting them, just seeing them

OP posts:
Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 19:44

hairylights - I'm a daughter who would like her parents to have a relationship with her children - their grandchildren

OP posts:
Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 19:45

bintofbohemia Grin

OP posts:
hairylights · 26/03/2011 19:46

Well jog on then, because if it's not happening then feeling they should won't help the situation.

worraliberty · 26/03/2011 19:46

Well if only we could hear their side of the story and why all 4 of them don't want to know...but obviously we can only take your word for it that you don't judge them in real life the way you judge them on here.

Violethill · 26/03/2011 19:47

If the grandparents get paralytically drunk every weekend, then personally, I would be quite happy for my children not to see them. Let's face it, if they did make more effort with their grandkids, your next problem would be that were hungover/stinking of booze/not fit to take charge of them etc

Enjoy the fact that you have two fit and healthy parents of your own, with active, busy lives, and that your mum sees your children every week (though stop inviting her for Sunday lunch if it pisses you off)

And: GET A BABYSITTER!!!!!

Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 19:48

hairylights - thanks for your pearls of wisdom, I'll just 'jog on' and forget about my children having grandparents then Hmm

OP posts:
hairylights · 26/03/2011 19:49

Or you could winge about it or let it get you down or even feel some sense of entitlement. That'll really help, huh?

midlandsmumof4 · 26/03/2011 19:49

We're grandparents. One of my GS and his parents (son & partner) live with us at the moment, the other lives 2 mins away (another son & partner). We both work full time. Sorry to the OP, but yes you are being very selfish really. We babysit when asked but sometimes resent the fact that we are expected to......(both son's work btw but mum's are on maternity leave) and where are the other set of GP's. Grandparents have earned their right to have a life you know..

Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 19:50

worraliberty - please explain why saying someone getting paraletically drunk is judging them, , I didn't say they were wrong or right for doing this, just that they do it, which they do, so please tell me...

OP posts:
mumsiepie · 26/03/2011 19:50

Jinglebelly my exh does these workshops too and he is so self absorbed, I know exactly how you mean!! All this time dwelling on yourself is selfish there is no other word for it. At least your FIL works as well!!

Plus paralytic grandparents are to be complained about. Paralytic drinkers fall in gutters and are sick and choke on vomit. Why shouldn't you feel cross about that.

Get the babysitter in. xx

IQuiteLikeVodka · 26/03/2011 19:50

I would say they are selfish,when you compare it to alot of other grandparents,I only have my mum,who has progressive heart disease and she does what she can and since Ive become single she offers to babysit for me so I can get a bit of a social life,I don't often ask her as I know she finds it hard but she will when she can. She also takes alot of interest in her grandchildren and sees them several times a week. Some people just don't have that interest,my biological father for instance has never even bothered to meet them! Not alot you can do really,people are either interested or they aren't.I can't imagine not wanting to babysit help out and spend time with my grandkids if and when I get some :)

BooyHoo · 26/03/2011 19:50

"most people could do this and find some time to spend with their grandchildren"

he doesn't want to!! it isn't that he doesn't have time. of course he could fit it in, he chooses not to. why is that so hard to understand? he doesn't want to spend time with them. lots of people place no importance on their relationships with grandchildren, present or future. it is very possible he cares not a jot that they wont want to know him when he is old. that is up to him. why should he do something he has no interest in?

StealthPolarBear · 26/03/2011 19:51

"if you want a babysitter then you have to pay for one like most people."
Fine, But I do think most people want a relationahip with their GCs and want to spend time with them. After all, most people when they have DCs expect to have GCs at some point -comes as part of the package. Babysitting - fair enough, I will accept that we are exceptionally lucky, however I cannot accept that it is the norm that GPs should not want any relationship at all with their GCs. If that is the case - what the hell has happened?

Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 19:52

Violethill - that is teh reason we don't go to see them at the weekends, because they get so drunk they dont know what they are doing

OP posts:
Violethill · 26/03/2011 19:55

So - you don't want your children to see that set of grandparents anyway.

Be grateful for the other set, who sound perfectly fine (if a little self absorbed!) one of whom sees your children every 7 days!

Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 19:57

Violethill - well I would but like them to see them when they're sober, they are great when they're not drunk!

OP posts:
Violethill · 26/03/2011 19:59

See them on a week night then!

If they live far away, use some of your holiday to do a Monday - Friday visit.

You describe them as 'great' when not drunk, which is a darn sight better than many grandparents.

Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 20:00

worraliberty - don't you have an answer to my question?

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 26/03/2011 20:00

I think it's utterly bizarre that some people opt out of grandparenting responsibilities for such ridiculous reasons as feeling they have 'done their bit' (regardless of how much effort their own grandparents spent on their upbringing, which when you delve a bit was often quite considerable), but that's the British way, apparently, to please yourself as much as possible, regardless of the impact on the extended family in the long term.

There's a great notepad for sale in National Trust shops that says, "Be nice to your children, they pick your nursing home" which is a very useful and apt reminder that no man is an island, and you get out of families what you put in. If you decide to disassociate yourself from your extended family then don't be surprised if you end up stuck on your own and miserable in your dotage. You reap what you sow. I intend to set a good example in how to engage with grandchildren and have a happy, extended family, and buck the trend of all this babyboomer self-absorbed consumer nonsense crap.

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