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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my parents are selfish ****'s?

201 replies

jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 18:25

sorry for typos, nursing at keyboard! Anyway, my parents (divorced) both live close to us, my mum doesn't work and is fit and healthy - my dad works but spends all his free time doing self absorbed new age workshops. DH and i have 3 dc's from 4 months to 5 years. It was our decision to have 3 children and i'm not trying to shirk my responsibilities but DH and i haven't even been out for as much as a meal together for over a year. my mum will come over on a sunday if we cook her a roast, arriving 10 mins before we eat and leaving half an hour after we finish, this is the only time my dc's see her. my dad is just as bad and just so utterly self absorbed. our dc's are going to have no memories of their gp's at all , they never offer to do anything with them... Aibu to think they are selfish?

OP posts:
Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 20:00

Violethill - that's what we decided to do, hence why we only see them once or twice a year

OP posts:
Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 20:03

BoffinMum - Great post, I totally agree with everything you say

OP posts:
hairylights · 26/03/2011 20:05

There is no such thing as Grandparenting "responsibilities".

GwendolineMaryLacey · 26/03/2011 20:06

Agree totally with bintofbohemia. I can't imagine having a family that behaved like that, where we all thought that the others were none of our business, where gps took no interest in their gc and that was normal. Sometimes I read threads and thank god for my family and that I married someone to whom family was equally important.

Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 20:12

GwendolineMaryLacey - you're very lucky! DH and i try to instill the importance of family and caring for each other in our dc's and really hope it will carry through the generations.. bit hard with selfish absent gp's though!

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 26/03/2011 20:13

Yes exactly BoffinMum, I completely agree. As a GP you have the right to opt out, but (major issues aside) why would anyone want to?

Thingumy · 26/03/2011 20:14

be proud jingle

You have a lovely close little unit of 4.

You will not miss out and nor will your children.

Ormirian · 26/03/2011 20:16

What a shame.

But it's their loss.

jangly · 26/03/2011 20:19

They do sound selfish and self centred. Don't think you can do anything about it though, except perhaps put it to them straight. Tell them exactly how you feel. Doesn't sound as though you've got much to lose.

bintofbohemia · 26/03/2011 20:21

My grandparents were really important to me, mainly my paternal grandmother who I spent so much time with. She taught me so much, how to sew and knit, told me stories about the family (my favourite times were when she would get out the tin of old photos with pictures of my dad when he was young, my gran when she was a child and her parents back into the 1920's) and was generally a massive and positive influence in my life. I still miss her every single day.

I was pretty shocked when I had children and realised that my children would not have a similar relationship with some of their grandparents and I really struggled with it, it made me very sad. I've now accepted that there is nothing I can do about that and we are just grateful for the grandparents that do bother, and my children will have fantastic memories of them like I do of mine.

I do find it tragic and incomprehensible, this attitude of "we've done our time, see you later", I think people really miss out, both the grandchildren and the grandparents. God willing I get to teach mine all sorts of useful stuff and tell them all about the sort of stuff their parents got up to...

jangly · 26/03/2011 20:21

Just read the bit about them getting drunk! I think you're better of without them!

Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 20:24

bintofbohemia - Great post Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 20:26

jangly, ha! i know, that's dh's parents though... i just had cross words with someone who said i was being judgemental when i said they get paralectically drunk at the weekend - being asked why we dont see them....

OP posts:
Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 20:27

i meant 'after being asked why we don't see them'

OP posts:
pointydog · 26/03/2011 20:29

"all this babyboomer self-absorbed consumer nonsense crap."

Agreed.

Of course people can do whatever the hell they like, boo. I don't know why you;re arguing this point. No one has said they can't.

perfumedlife · 26/03/2011 20:32

I do feel for you. Though maybe the thought of watching three gkids is offputting. But, yes, the nice thing would be to spend time with them, even with you there.

Why not start by asking mum to come an hour earilier for dinner, to play with them while you cook?

I was chatting with a friend of my mums last week and she asked if I was having any more kids, ds in almost 7. I explained no, medical reasons but was ok with that. My mum piped up ' thank god, dont have anymore, we were exhausted helping you with the one you have!' Shock

I expressed my shock and confusion as I lived too far away for her to ever really help, she has had ds once, an overnight. In seven years! She said, 'well yes, but I was exhausted worrying about you and how you were coping'!!

Biscuit
MarianneM · 26/03/2011 20:33

I wondered about this too: "grandparenting responsibilities".

Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 20:34

perfumedlife - thats hilarious, i lol'd!!!

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perfumedlife · 26/03/2011 20:35

I have such wonderful memories of my own grandparents, infact my maternal grandmother is 89 and still going strong. It is such a pity the modern trend seems to be for grandparents to go all out for self fulfillment and less time with their grandkids.

Wonder if this is the new 'me' generation.

ecobatty · 26/03/2011 20:35

bintofbohemia - I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same way. Not helped by the fact that my dad died before the dc were born, and that my 'special gp' was my mum's dad...

perfumedlife · 26/03/2011 20:35

It's good init jinglebelly. She can justify anything, my mum.

cherrychoo · 26/03/2011 20:36

Fuck um thats what i say and thats what i think.

Only becuase it breaks my heart that they are comfortable with being as far removed as they possibly can be from their only gc. So fuck um all.

Im not interested in free childcare, im not demanding that they give us a break, i am disapointed that they would happily go for months and months not speaking to, asking about or hearing ds's voice or seeing his little face.

I am gutted that as one human being to another, they offer no sympathy or support or kindness for shit times we have been through. And that they carry on life allowing no interuption to thier daily lives becuase we are not important enough to even consider that one hour that they are able to offer may make all the difference to us, who are after all their family.

So fuck um to kingdom come.
Angry

Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 20:37

I think it's the babyboomer generation.. hang on i'll find a link to an interesting article i read about it...

OP posts:
Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 20:40

this

OP posts:
Violethill · 26/03/2011 20:42

The concept of 'grandparenting responsibilities' is bizarre.

I hope to have a close and loving relationship with my grandchildren - but that's freely given, not a responsibility.

Not quite sure what the OP wants us to say tbh.

There is one set of grandparents who sound pretty ok - the grandfather has some whacky self absorbed hobbies, but hey, better than sitting in a chair dribbling all day. The grandmother comes round every 7 days.

The other set of grandparents are "great" (OPs words) apart from weekends when they get paralytic, so OP sees them a couple of times a year.

Sounds very average or possibly slightly better than average to me.

I wouldn't describe either set of my childrens grandparents as 'great' (though possibly one set would have been slightly better if they had been paralytically drunk Grin). They all lived too far away for anything more frequent than visits 2 or 3 times a year, and most of them then went and died - how selfish of them eh?