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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my parents are selfish ****'s?

201 replies

jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 18:25

sorry for typos, nursing at keyboard! Anyway, my parents (divorced) both live close to us, my mum doesn't work and is fit and healthy - my dad works but spends all his free time doing self absorbed new age workshops. DH and i have 3 dc's from 4 months to 5 years. It was our decision to have 3 children and i'm not trying to shirk my responsibilities but DH and i haven't even been out for as much as a meal together for over a year. my mum will come over on a sunday if we cook her a roast, arriving 10 mins before we eat and leaving half an hour after we finish, this is the only time my dc's see her. my dad is just as bad and just so utterly self absorbed. our dc's are going to have no memories of their gp's at all , they never offer to do anything with them... Aibu to think they are selfish?

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityhat · 26/03/2011 18:51

Stop inviting your mum over for meals. She is using you.

hairylights · 26/03/2011 18:51

Yabu.

Portofino · 26/03/2011 18:54

It's very sad that they are not very interested, but not selfish imho. These are YOUR children, not theirs. They are not obligated to babysit or play with them if they don't want to. I am sad for you that they seem so disinterested, but if you want a babysitter then you have to pay for one like most people.

BooyHoo · 26/03/2011 18:55

it is not selfish to not want to spend time with someone else's children. it isn't. it is not selfish to not offer to babysit for someone. the grandparents shoudl not expect to have a close relationship with their dcs when they are older but it is not selfish of them to choose to do other things with their time. some people just dont enjoy babysitting or spending time with children.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 26/03/2011 18:55

Agree with bibbity about the Sunday lunch - that is just rude to literally turn up for the food and then disappear. Does she ever help you with any of the prep or clearing - or bring a bottle or the joint?

Violethill · 26/03/2011 18:56

Threads on a similar vein crop up frequently on here.

TBH, I think you're being a bit unreasonable, because your mum comes round once a week, which means your children are seeing plenty of her. I can understand it being a little upsetting if you feel your parents genuinely aren't interested in your children. However, it could equally well be that they simply have busy lives. You may personally not be interested in how your dad spends his free time, but he's not asking you to be! He's getting on and doing what floats his boat. BTW, find a local student who want to earn some extra dosh for babysitting - it works really well on both sides, there are often 6th formers around who are happy to earn some cash. You can't blame not going out with your DH on your parents. If you can afford a meal out, you can afford a babysitter - that's a choice you can make - it's not fair to rely on your parents and then feel resentful that you never go out together.

BooyHoo · 26/03/2011 18:56

i agree bibbity. OP you are not obliged to feed your mother. perhaps if you stopped doing this you wouldn't feel as much as if you were owed something from her.

Pesha · 26/03/2011 18:57

My mum has seen my dc twice in the last year. She lives a 15min drive away. Our relationship was never great but she really lost interest when my ds1 was born. Some of the things shes said about him have really hurt so I've just stopped bothering now. We saw her at christmas and she rang me 6 weeks ago to ask how my 20wk scan was and what I'm having, didn't seem overly enthused at it being another boy.

But she's the one missing out. Luckily my ILs are fantastic and love spending time with their GC and my dc adore them and have a great relationship with them. I don't think ds2 would even recognise my mum if he saw her and they haven't seen my step dad in over a year. Although my mum has a great relationship with my sister and her dd so perhaps everyone's happy Confused

I don't think you are BU, it does hurt and its hard to accept. Is there no one else who can babysit for you?

pointydog · 26/03/2011 18:57

I think they are selfish, yes.

But there's nothing you can do to make them babysit.

Thingumy · 26/03/2011 19:00

I can understand why you are hurt by their lack of interest in your children.

My parents are similar,my mother shows no emotion in regards to my children.She has yet to spend any time with my ds and I'm talking about babysitting,she can barely bring herself to speak to him when we are graced with her presence-he is 9 this year.

My father is slightly better,he visits more often but really isn't into children.He has babysat 4 times in 16 years so I shouldn't complain Hmm

Both seem to forget I'm their only child and I've told them both,I will have no interest in caring for them if they need it in their later years (they are in their 60's now).

Fuck that.I shall be a selfish cold bastard when the mood strikes me too.

Thingumy · 26/03/2011 19:01

I'm NOT talking about babysitting

onepieceoflollipop · 26/03/2011 19:02

Absolutely agree with those who say to stop inviting her round weekly for lunch. Perhaps cut it down to monthly?

I would also be a bit tactical. Change the time you serve lunch, i.e. an hour or half an hour after she arrives? That will help you to clarify if she wants to see/play with the children.

Also, yes, she is within her rights not to babysit. However I feel this is a sad state of affairs for a grandparent but it is of course her choice. :)

Don't sit around feeling let down that you never go out, you can change that. You can also change the fact that you invite her round weekly and then feel angry/let down that you don't get anything "back"

GloriaSmut · 26/03/2011 19:03

Hmmmmmm....I can see two sides of this. I love to spend time with my dgd and relish every minute with her. She's absolutely delicious! I'm also always happy to help whenever and wherever possible.

But I also do lots of interesting stuff as well as work and if I discovered that I was supposed to put all areas of my life on hold as some sort of right that came with being a grandmother then I'd object! In fact, I'd be fucking livid if I read a similarly patronising description of me being being "fit and active" and thus perfectly capable of jumping to attention when my children demanded it.

Be a little realistic, op. If your parents aren't the sort to babysit at least you know upfront. In the long term, I think they'll miss out on time you can't ever regain but it is their choice. They've done their child rearing.

Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 19:03

Thanks guys for sharing your stories, perhaps i should let it go as its their loss in the end

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 26/03/2011 19:05

I agree with bibbity. Stop feeding her. Don't cook her a roast, then she can't piss you off by turning up just to feed at the trough and scarper.

ENormaSnob · 26/03/2011 19:07

Me too thingumy.

Thingumy · 26/03/2011 19:08

You do have to let it go OP.I know it smarts but rise above it and get on with life within your little family unit.

Oh and don't be forecoming with 'help' if they ask out for it. Life is not about take,take,take.

I would suggest you mention to your mother about the possibility of her cooking a Sunday Lunch for a change Wink.

ddubsgirl · 26/03/2011 19:08

its very hard when they dont want to know the gc,we get on fine with ils but we hardly see them anymore,been over a month since we have seen them,they have bus passes yet cant be bothered to pop over,we cant get t them at the mo as our car isnt big enough,seeing them next weekend for a meal.
mil has always said she likes boys better than girls and she has 4 gs & 3 gd,maybe as another poster said her mil shes her gd all the time and not her gs maybe she doesnt like boys very much???

Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 19:09

I realise they have done their 'child rearing' Hmm im not asking them to 'rear' my children, just to show a bit of interest

OP posts:
pointydog · 26/03/2011 19:10

It's not about putting any area of life on hold. It's about spending a few hours with your grandchildren one evening every couple of months.

Original poster
jinglebelly · 26/03/2011 19:12

i feel its sad that its come to this 'well ive done my child rearing' and 'oh well im not taking care of you in your old age then' whats gong on with people nowadays? Sad

OP posts:
pointydog · 26/03/2011 19:13

I agree, jingle.

moondog · 26/03/2011 19:14

Stop inviting them over or engaging yourself.
See what happens then.

GloriaSmut · 26/03/2011 19:15

I rather think you want an argument, OP. I can't be bothered. I've done my arguing...

BooyHoo · 26/03/2011 19:15

"It's about spending a few hours with your grandchildren one evening every couple of months"

but they don't have to. as grandparents they are not required to provide anything for the dcs. the dcs are not dependant on them for any emotional development. the dcs will not be harmed by their GPs not visiting. it isn't a dependant relationship so the GPs are not depriving the dcs of anything they are entitled to.

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